Need Perspective - Working, SAHM

[twogirlsmommy]

Since there are moms on this board who work and stay home I was hoping you could give me some differ perspectives.

I was working full time when my oldest DD was born - maternity leave for 3 months, worked full time 3 months & then changed my hours to part time - 3 days a week, which I have been doing for almost 4 years now. I love the balance, especially since I now have 2 children (4 and 2).

My H may be getting a new job & I could potentially stay home now but I feel like I've lost those baby years - I've missed the best time to stay home.
I just get so sad bc they grow up so fast & I can't remember what she was like when she was my younger DD's age. I often think to myself that if I hadn't worked & had spent more time with her it wouldn't seem like she grew up so fast / I'd have more memories - this is crazy thinking, right? Thinking about staying home is triggering these thoughts and making me unhappy with my current situation - which I've been fine with.

[runblondie26]

IMO, kids become more time consuming as they get older. I don't know how I'd handle school, activities, and keeping up with appointments while having a full time job and a husband that travels. Now that they're a little older it's the time they'll make the majority of their memories with me too.

[lala]

I've been home since my oldest was 9 months old - so 7 years now. She's going into 2nd grade, the 5 year old is starting kindergarten - I still fell like I can't remember everything and that they grew up way too fast. I think that's just being a parent.

Having a part time gig is awesome and I understand being reluctant to give that up. That said, I think any time you are able to stay home can be a good time - even in elementary school there is a lot to do and ways to be involved. So if you want to try it - go for it.

[hermione]

Kids grow up quickly regardless of if you are a SAHM or a working mom. You've heard the saying, "The days are long but the years are short," right? It's true across the board.

I think as children get older, there are even more practical reasons to stay home - it's easier to coordinate activities, sick days, etc. That said, my daughter is 3 and I just chose to go from part time to full time because it was best for our particular situation.

Basically, I think either choice is fine but don't delude yourself into thinking staying at home will stop them from growing up too fast. Honestly, having been there, I think 3 days a week is the very best of both worlds.

[kategm]

I've worked part time since DD was born. She's now 2.5. It goes by so quickly. But frankly, I'd much rather SAH full time with her now than when she was a baby. There's more to do with her (activities) and she will remember those moments more as she gets older. She has also learned so much from her daycare that I could never have taught her. It's been a great asset to our family. So much so that DH says if we ever have a 2nd kid and I decide to SAH, he'd still want to send #2 to daycare a couple days a week.

There's a saying that goes, "The days are long but the years are short." It's so true, but it's that way for everyone.

[nsl]

First, I don't think that there's a "best time" to stay home. My kids are in school now, and I feel the tug to SAH (or go to a part time schedule) much more strongly now that they have more activities and emotional/logistical needs than they did when they were babies and toddlers. Time goes quickly when you look back on it no matter what, I think, and I've never questioned how many memories I'm making with my kids, but I've begun to realize that the ways they need me are changing as they get older. In short, I don't think that you're crazy for continuing to think about whether or not staying at home would be best for your family.

[betsyray]

I've been a SAHM since I had my second child three years ago. I now have three sons and it still seems like time is flying. I have the same feeling that I don't remember what the older two were like as babies and I was there 24/7. It's definitely just being a parent.

I still have young children (all four and under) but I feel like being at home with them will still be valuable for my family in the future. We do more fun things, they remember more, we have more school and activities commitments. If you want to SAH it's certainly not a waste. To me, working part time sounds like the dream, though.

[ssmjlm]

I don't think there is ever a wrong time to stay at home. If you want to.

That said I am not one of those women. I enjoy working. I'm also the breadwinner which makes a big difference in the dynamic.

[anna7602]

I don't SAHM FT, but I do have a fair amount of flexibility and downtime in my job (freelancing) and spend periods of time living like a SAHM. This summer, for example, I'll have had a total of about four or five weeks not working at all, with only one of them away on vacation.

I don't agree with the idea that "best time" to be at home is during the baby/toddler years. My kids are 8 and 2 and the 8-yo keeps me much busier, between her own activities and the kinds of fun things we can do together when she doesn't have school. And speaking of school, there are SO MANY holidays and early dismissals and teacher service days, plus events and presentations and meetings that take place during that school day that you can participate in if you have the time and desire to do so.

That said, Think about what it is about your PT job that isn't working for you or making you feel like you've missed out on certain moments. Maybe there's a way to address that without quitting entirely?

[simpsongal]

I've had coworkers tell me the best time to stay home is middle school and high school.

[jinkies]

Are you actually unhappy in your job? Or just feeling wistful about your children growing up?

I've worked PT since my son was born 8 years ago. I do think it's the best of all worlds. You have probably not missed nearly as much as you imagine, they just grow up quickly.

Personally, I would continue pt work if you are happy with your job overall. Staying home won't slow your kids down from growing up, and you will still have 2 days/week to volunteer in school, chaperone field trips, etc.

[jinkies]

Aug 28, 2016 8:36:09 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I've had coworkers tell me the best time to stay home is middle school and high school.

My mom has said this as well.

[Deleted]

Working part time is my dream. I've both worked and SAH over the last 4 years. Time goes just as fast with both options and you forget the baby years whether you stayed home or worked. I will be going back to work full time in a few years, I don't have much desire to stay home full time when both kids are in school.

[katrinabennett]

I work full time and had a one year maternity leave.
I would trade 6 months of that leave for 6 months now. My child is starting her second year at school.
I have one day a week off and I love it. I can drop her off and pick her up. I take her to dance. I hear about her day. It's amazing.

However I love my job. I love adult interaction that I get at work. A lot of SAHM get that at home too.
But for me part time would be a dream. But I can't lose my benefits.

[gastro]

I'm a SAHM and have been since my first pregnancy. My youngest is 13 months and time goes by so quick, especially when number 2 came along.
I feel very blessed to have been able to make the choice to stay home but honestly part time sounds like the best of both worlds.

I think how important it is to you to go back to work and how easy that will be if you quit should be a major factor in your decision making. And how secure is your husband's new job? Can you SAHM indefinitely and not need to worry about the contribution you make financially for years to come?

[redheadk]

I SAH and did part-time contract work for a year (VERY different from my job as a teacher prior to having DD).

Personally, I did not really enjoy SAH with a baby so I partially can't relate. It is SO much better now that dd is 4. To me, 2 and 4 are great ages to be a SAH parent to. They are getting to the age where you can really get out and do stuff and that's only going to improve as the 2 year old gets older.

Babies require SO MUCH WORK, at least DD did. Now that dd is a preschooler, I have a lot more downtime with her and don't have to be constantly doing something to care for her. It was immersive when she was a baby and now I have time to myself.

I don't know really what to tell you, though, because it's all highly personal to your situation and how much you enjoy different ages. I'd take a 3/4 year old over a 3/4 month old anyway; I'm not a baby person.

[quesyrah]

In my opinion, they don't even remember those baby years. They just need someone to nurture and care for them- they don't care if it's mom, dad or daycare. And those years fly by and become a distant memory for all parents really.

I don't think it would be a "waste" to start staying home now. School, extracurriculars, etc can be challenging when trying to juggle work schedules. Plus being able to get home earlier in the day and have downtime, homework etc without rushing the whole Afternoon/evening is nice.

I've never been a working mom but my oldest is in first grade and I'm still finding being a SAHM rewarding.

Part time is a great set up though and hard to come by IMO so if you enjoy working I would continue what you're doing until it doesn't work for your family anymore or you're not enjoying it.

[rooster222]

I was a sahm until both kids were in school. I work @ 30 hours a week now but the older they get, the more I wish I could stay home. (Mine are 12 & 9.). Our evenings and weekends are pretty crazy and I wish I could be at home during the day taking care of the necessities so we could enjoy time together more. But, I do really appreciate the balance that working brings me mentally. I'd probably be at my best working 15-20 hours/week.

[nicolewi]

They grow up fast and you hardly remember, either way! I was working FT until my kids were a little over 4.5, 2.5, and 6 months. I've been home since and they are now 7.5, 5.5, 3.5, and 1.5. I do feel like it would be way harder for me to have continued my same work schedule, now that they are in school and starting activities. There are lots of things I wouldn't have been able to manage without staying home (OR getting anew job closer to home, working part time, etc).

[Deleted]

I'm a SAHM, and DS will be only 8 months old in a week, and I still sometimes have moments where I miss the newborn snuggles and wonder where the time went. I think that's just a natural part of being a parent, so don't be too hard on yourself. PP have a lot of good advice.

[Marmee]

I've only worked part time 2yrs in the past 12 (otherwise I'm a SAHM). My oldest is in middle school, my youngest is in fullday preschool. Even I have a touch of feeling bad or missing out or it going fast. I will say, I'm impressed by women who can work f/t with a demanding/BF baby. My kids were difficult babies & I can't imagine being productive at work in my field with the amount of sleep I had. I do feel like I was barely treading water for many years as it was. Now I'm only a week in but SAHM with the kids in school is pretty great. I'm getting shit done that's been on my to do list for years & years, I'm relaxed & sleeping better than I can remember. I considered getting a 24hr a week job now but realized that meant working pretty much every minute the kids were in school & after taxes, it wasn't worth the very non-life effecting amount I'd bring in. I'd be better off shopping more carefully, etc. Anyway I think it all has pros & cons & being lucky enough to choose is a huge luxury in & of itself. I'm not more needed by my MS kid than my preschooler, at least not yet. But we'll see how it all plays out long term.

[stephm0188]

I SAH up until this year. My son entered 3rd grade and I took a job with the school district, so our hours are roughly the same. It's the best of both worlds for me. Anyhow, I really valued that time at home during toddler/preschool/early elementary. I loved being able to take him to the zoo or children's museum, playing outside with other neighborhood kids, volunteering at his school. Obviously, you can still do that when you work but the pace felt different. I also had more time to pursue my own interests and hobbies.

I love that I had that time at home with him, but there are times when I look at little kids and think "I don't remember that age at all." It flies.

[scribellesam]

I am finding being a SAHM to be increasingly satisfying as my kids get older. Also increasingly convenient, as I juggle school drop offs, activities, and therapies for my oldest.

[wanderlustmom]

I have worked 30 hours, stayed home and worked 20 hours. I don't think there is any greener grass--it's all just different. I do feel like time flies too fast and I always hope I'm making enough memories with the kids--so I think that's just a function of being a parent. What works best for me is 20 hours. And I emphasize me. I think kids are fine in any scenario. It gives me time to hit the gym, run the errands during the week, volunteer at their schools and contribute to our finances so we can vacation more and do home remodels. I book end my week with Monday and Friday off

[pugz]

I agree there is no perfect time to SAH. I do think once kids are in school it can get difficult to juggle with all the breaks, early release days, and teacher work days/PT conference days.

I was very happy working PT and I think it can be the best of both worlds if you enjoy the PT job. Also if I had PT job that would be difficult to re-enter down the line after SAH I'd be hesitant to leave it. As a social worker I have lots of flexibility with the types of jobs I can work and many agencies want PT or PRN workers so I'm not too worried about getting that kind of gig back down the road when I don't plan to SAH anymore.

[twogirlsmommy]

Aug 28, 2016 8:37:45 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Are you actually unhappy in your job? Or just feeling wistful about your children growing up?

I've worked PT since my son was born 8 years ago. I do think it's the best of all worlds. You have probably not missed nearly as much as you imagine, they just grow up quickly.

Personally, I would continue pt work if you are happy with your job overall. Staying home won't slow your kids down from growing up, and you will still have 2 days/week to volunteer in school, chaperone field trips, etc.

I am happy at my job - and I've been there 10 years and have lots of flexibility - which will be nice down the road when my girls are in school. My oldest will go to kindergarten next year. My concern with staying home is leaving a job with so much flexibility - if they are sick, appointments, etc. I can just stay home or leave early, no questions asked. If I did need to find a new job in the future it wools definitely not be this flexible.

I felt this way a little bit at the end of each maternity leave but was never an option to be SAHM and I'm so grateful to be able to be part time. But now that the opportunity arises to possibly stay home I am more sad thinking about the last few years and how nice it would have been then and not thinking about how great it could be in the future. I tend to look at the past a lot and rethink / dwell about things instead of focusing on the present.

[twogirlsmommy]

I really appreciate everyone's perspectives


I think so many moms don't realize how much "needier" kids will be as they get older - I didn't really think about that part....

[wanderlustmom]

Aug 28, 2016 14:02:25 GMT -5 twogirlsmommy said:

Aug 28, 2016 8:37:45 GMT -5 jinkies said:

Are you actually unhappy in your job? Or just feeling wistful about your children growing up?

I've worked PT since my son was born 8 years ago. I do think it's the best of all worlds. You have probably not missed nearly as much as you imagine, they just grow up quickly.

Personally, I would continue pt work if you are happy with your job overall. Staying home won't slow your kids down from growing up, and you will still have 2 days/week to volunteer in school, chaperone field trips, etc.

I am happy at my job - and I've been there 10 years and have lots of flexibility - which will be nice down the road when my girls are in school. My oldest will go to kindergarten next year. My concern with staying home is leaving a job with so much flexibility - if they are sick, appointments, etc. I can just stay home or leave early, no questions asked. If I did need to find a new job in the future it wools definitely not be this flexible.

I felt this way a little bit at the end of each maternity leave but was never an option to be SAHM and I'm so grateful to be able to be part time. But now that the opportunity arises to possibly stay home I am more sad thinking about the last few years and how nice it would have been then and not thinking about how great it could be in the future. I tend to look at the past a lot and rethink / dwell about things instead of focusing on the present.

I get it, I think we all analyze our choices. Remind yourself you love your kids and every day whether you work or stay home--you are doing it because it's best for your family. If you have occasional curiosity about what you want to do--that's normal. I sometimes think, let's lean in and way in and I sometimes want to quit entirely. And there are trade offs with anything. All the research shows the kids are going to be fine. So remind yourself of that and decide for yourself. I know there are some exceptions--but for the most part, you don't have to decide forever.

[sac10]

I think juggling my daughter's schedule once she hit school was tough! I would have loved for me to stay home then. Also, the older they get the more things you can do with them....I don't think it's a waste for you to stay home now at all!

[hocus2]

I've always worked full time and honestly NOW I would be interested in staying home and I no desire to that when they were little. My kids are fun and more independent and yet from a logistics perspective having a SAH or part time parent would be hugely helpful now.  While day care is set up for working parents schools are not. We have both kids enrolled in after school and I keep a detailed list of days off and what our plan is (mini camp, sitter, grand parent day, PTO). I have to arrange coverage for 6 - 7 weeks of days every year.

Additionally NOW if I started home I'd get a break every day because the kids go to school, which I wouldn't have gotten when they were little.

So no it isn't totally crazy to want to stay home when you didn't earlier. I am not going to stay home for a host of reasons (I have the perfect WAH job which pays well and is flexible) but I certainly see its appeal.