s/o s/o: What was the first red flag?

[bowies]

Some of you mentioned that first red flag in the other s/o thread.

Mine came right after we moved in together, 7 hours away from our families. I went to kiss him because I was horny and wanted to get it on, and he acted like he'd rather have a root canal. I asked him what was up and he told me that kissing was boring and that he only liked having sex. In my mind, I dismissed it as him being crabby, but from that point on kissing exited our sexual relationship. It was like Pretty Woman playing out in reverse. Sex was only for physical release, not emotional attachment.

If I'd been closer to family or had my own place, I'd have broken up with him then. Instead I convinced myself that it was NBD. I was pretty fucking dumb.

[wingingitinmotown]

When XH "forced" me to abandon pretty much all my friends, but the guys in particular. All of them. And I just went along with it and gave them all up (except my bff - a girl - who he HATED). WTF 16 year old Wing???

[doriswe]

I can't really remember what the argument was about, but it involved DS and his DD. It was probably a few months into our relationship. All I can remember is however he handled the issue that was going on between the two kids infuriated me and I grabbed DS and left his apartment.

[Bernadine]

I think there were some before this, but he guilted me into staying in state for school, rather than going to a large out of state university. Just the beginning of his manipulation.

[sparkles17]

Mine was when we in the process of moving in together. In hindsight, it was WAY too early in our relationship, we'd only been dating for like 3mths when he moved in with me. Anyway, the day of his move, it was pouring rain and he got the moving truck stuck in the mud. Bad. He was cursing and screaming that he knew that moving in with me was a mistake and that this was a sign and blah blah blah I cried and begged him to calmn down and thus was the start of what turned into a really messed up relationship - him always blaming me and me always begging for forgiveness. WTF 26 y/o self!

[achase123]

Probably the first night I met him, when a friend I'd known my whole life told me "he's the father of my cousin's little girl, I'd stay clear of him". I later found out that he wasn't the Baby Daddy (thank you Maury) but still, that was a clear warning from someone who knew him well.

Or maybe when he told me on our first date that he'd spent time in jail and then dropped his head, stuck out his lip and said "you can turn around and take me back home now". Uhhhh manipulation?

Or maybe on our third date when I showed up to get him and he was drunk...

[blackkitty]

One month after we got married when I had a miscarriage and he got mad and blew up b/c I wasn't in the mood to give him a BJ.

[Deleted]

The first red flag was when we had plans (maybe a month into our dating)I went to pick him up and he was not home. I called, and no answer. After about 30 minutes I left. The next night he called me and said "something came up" and could we have coffee. I stupidly agreed. After I expressed my anger bc he didn't have the decency to call He told me his ex gf told him she was pregnant and he took her to the doctor(Emergency room). The ER confirmed that she was NOT pregnant. " It was a ploy to get him back". At this point I should have ran, bc of the drama and bc any decent man would at least text to cancel plans. WTF 26 year old blueyes???

[mandimija]

Besides the ones I've already mentioned, there were a few I wish I'd known about. Like my undergrad graduation. We were engaged. I was graduating a semester early, amd he had planned to graduate with me (a semester late) only to not be able to do so at the last minute because he didn't pass his senior recital and had to redo it...the following semester. As the choir director at our church, he played the baccalaureate Mass. His mother came to the Mass, but had to return to Houston to take care of gmil; XFIL came to my actual graduation. After Mass, we all went out to dinner. My cousin mentioned to XH how nice it was that XMIL came to my baccalaureate Mass. XH got indignant amd told her that XMIL had come to see his last major Mass; it had nothing to do with my graduation.

The second one came five minutes after the wedding. I was off with my grandfather taking pictures. XH told my mother that I was now the most important possession he owned. She kept her mouth shut because a) it was my wedding day and b) she knew I would have raised hell about that comment.

I remember a feeling of WTF am I doing just before my wedding. I thought it was jitters. Now, having experienced jitters just before moving in with Mijo, I can tell the difference between an early warning system and just plain old nerves at a huge change. One good thing about XH is that it gives me a deeper appreciation for Mijo.

[sparkles17]

Oh! I just remembered another one that was actually before the whole moving debaucle. About maybe 2mths in to our relationship my car was in the shop and he was supposed to drive me to work (we worked in the same building). Well, he never showed up in the morning. I called and called and called and he never answered his phone. This was pre-cell phone and I was also dirt ass poor, so I had to walk (in the snow mind you) the 2 miles to his house to figure out what was going on. I get there, pound on the door and he finally opens the door still dressed in his clothes from the day before holding his cat. Not even so much as an apology, said that he "wasn't feeling well" (which I later learned was code for "I took too many Xanax"). Why I didn't dump his sorry butt then, I have no idea. WTH again 26y/o self?!?!?!

[roselis]

It was about a month into us dating. He was talking about this girl and how she wanted to hook up with him and I told him that it made me uncomfortable and that I would prefer he not see her alone. He agreed. About a week later, I was talking about coming to meet him and he said I should stay home and spend time with my family. That night, he invited her over and cheated on me. WTH did I stay???

[redredwine]

Shortly before we got engaged, I went on a weekend girls trip. I thought I'd be back early but for whatever reason, we drove back late in the afternoon. I called him to let him know I was like an hour away from home and he was livid that I was late. Late for what I asked? I didn't know I had to be home at a certain time? I didn't realize I had a curfew of noon? I guess we maybe talked about going golfing that day? I didn't remember, but told him it was kind of out of my control as I didn't drive. I got hom and we got in the biggest fight. I was sobbing and he was slamming his hands down on the bed in anger. I was scared and actually went to sit in my closet and curled up in a ball and cried for a long time.

I was scared of him during arguements.Um..hi-red flag!


And he continued starting arguments over the stupidest things, getting out of proportion angry.
We shouldn't have made it to an engagement. He had some anger issues apparently.

[jojoandleo]

With XFI-When he was getting all these texts from a girl he worked with late at night, I read them drunkenly and they were all about how she felt about him and how she thought he felt about her too. I flipped on him, he promised he wanted to be with me and texted her as much. NBD, right? BUT, then they still hung out all the time, he told me I HAD to be friends with her, played it off like I was crazy and there was nothing to worry about, etc. Guess who I later found out was the first girl he cheated on me with? If I had had 1/2 the self-esteem I have now, I would have left right then and there.

[BookLover]

The ex always wanted to know what I was doing and who I was talking to when we first started dating. It got to the point, he started snooping for my phone. I just blew it off because I was naive and thought he really liked me. Nope, it was the start of control and manipulation.

[bookworm85]

When he would believe every lie no matter how outrageous it was. He had a very horrible temper. He became jealous of every little and I mean little thing. 7 years later I am very happy to finally be done with it all.

[Deleted]

Sept 7, 2012 17:30:45 GMT -5 BookLover said:

The ex always wanted to know what I was doing and who I was talking to when we first started dating. It got to the point, he started snooping for my phone. I just blew it off because I was naive and thought he really liked me. Nope, it was the start of control and manipulation.

I went through the same exact thing...it never ended. He even broke my phone(twice) because of text messages I received from my girlfriends ( who he knew and hated).