If you are child-free by choice

[birdistheword]

Do you ever feel a little sad about all of your friends having kids, even if you know you don't want them yourself? My last remaining child-free best friend had her first baby today, and I am SO happy and excited for her, but it's also really kind of hitting me hard. It's like all my other friends have this huge, amazing thing in common that I can never really understand, and I feel...left behind? Left out? I know I can make more friends, and I do have other friends without kids, but these are my BFFs who I have been extremely close to for 15 years or more.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, I just didn't expect to be hit with these feelings today. I feel like a totally selfish asshole for being slightly bummed about the happiest day of my friend's life.

[bonquiqui]

I do feel this way. As much as people don't want to admit it, things change. I miss the days where my friends were available at the drop of a hat. I feel selfish thinking it, but it's true.

[Ramz-ee]

I don't feel sad about it. I'm happy for them and I'm happy with my life. Life happens and things had already changed when my bff had her kids. She's busy, I'm busy. We see each other when we can.

[RoxMonster]

I honestly don't really feel this way, but not a ton of our friends have kids. Two of our good friends do, but I can think of 6-7 friends who do not. I am happy for those who have kids because they wanted them and are happy with their family. I am happy with my family of DH and Roxie.

I do get sad that we don't hang out as much. I totally get it, am not angry or anything and I know as the kids get older it may not always be this way, but if I was sad about something, that would be it.

[sunnysally]

I'm only selfishly sad for myself. Of course I'm happy for my friends but having kids changes everything, including friendships. I've drifted apart from some friends because they have kids but with other friends we've managed to stay close. I understand that they are busy and I don't expect them to ditch their kids every time we hang out, but I also don't want to only talk about kids or do kid related stuff. Some friendships find that balance and others don't.

[Deleted]

I often feel like I live on another planet than those who have/want kids. Usually we can chat and hang out and whatever, but I always feel like there is a gap there. I do feel a bit left out I guess. I also wonder on what I'm missing out on. Not enough to decide to have to take care of a small human every day, but I know that others are experiencing something really cool that I'm not, and that bothers me a bit sometimes. I just have to remind myself that I have a lot of great experiences that I would not have if I had a child, so nobody really gets to feel all the possible good things.

I do not like how kids have changed a few of my friendships, including that with my sister. We are just in completely different places in our lives right now. I'm hoping once her kid(s) are older things will shift again.

[scottyderp]

It's kind of by choice, kind of not, and, sure.  The mom club isn't something that I will join, and that confuses me, when it makes me sad, because I'm largely okay with it.  I think the sense of not belonging is harder than not actually having the opportunity to lose a child in TJ Maxx.

[Captain Catnip]

Honestly not really. I see something cute my niece or nephews do, and it's great, but I pretty much go to "I want a puppy" mentality. I'm sure that's odd. My bff had kids when we met so I never had that adjustment with her having them. She can separate from being a mom when we're together though and doesn't only talk about them which is nice. My sister revolves around the kids.

[tacokick]

Not really. Honestly most of our friends don't have kids and we are all mid30s-40s. We went to a party recently and it was literally the first party I think I've been to with children since I was a child myself.

[sonrisa]

(hugs)

I'm obviously not childfree but I've also grieved how the dynamic of a friendship can change after kids. It isn't that you don't still care about each other but the rhythms of life have changed and it can be harder to connect sometimes. It isn't that you wish your own kids away or wish the other person had kids, but you wish there could be a time capsule to hold the friendship away from all these other people - spouses, partners and kids - who now populate our lives.

[Deleted]

I'm not sad because they have a child, I'm sad because it's usually changes the friendship for a while.

[pantsparty]

There are two friends I have that I would have put down significant sums of money betting they wouldn't have kids. I remember feeling absolutely FLOORED when I found out they were pregnant, like shaken actually.  I wasn't so upset they were having kids, but that I was losing my childfree allies! LOL.

I don't know if I'm just lucky in this area or what, but it seems all my friends have made efforts to maintain their identities outside motherhood. We have girls' trips and I've been told I'm an honorary "mom" on mom's nights out. LOL. I think it also helps that it's not like I dislike children - I am actually quite fond of my friends' kids and make an effort to engage them when we're around. Mom talk also doesn't bore me - it's like insight into a foreign culture!

There can definitely be a feeling of being left behind - but if you have good friends and put forth the effort to maintain those relationships and don't like, hiss at their kids, you should be okay.

[blackcat]

Yes

[mrsukyankee]

I totally get it. Mine wasn't entirely by choice but it's been years so I'm fine with being childless (never had a burning desire tbh). My experience is more about them leaving London to live outside (aka tough to get to) once they have kids as they want to buy a house or have more space (I get this) - so I truly may rarely see my friends with kids. I've made friends with people who aren't going to have kids so that helps a bit. I do think it'll get harder as I get older until my age group starts to have kids moving away.

[mcmel]

None of my best friends have kids yet, but when my normal friends had kids I definitely felt sad because I knew the relationship would change. I've drifted apart from all of them and now we're basically acquaintances

[Doggy Mommy]

Yes, I definitely understand. I feel like I don't fit in with sever groups I could be friends with. The biggest one is in my neighborhood. I like a lot of my neighbors, but I just don't quite fit in to their fun social circle because we're the "weird" couple without kids. I don't feel left out with my close friends (they always make sure I feel invited and included) but it's still just different. But we don't want kids for many reasons so it is what it is.

[yentl]

Sept 1, 2016 22:46:12 GMT -5 @heyitsme said:

I'm not sad because they have a child, I'm sad because it's usually changes the friendship for a while.

This is how I feel as well.

However, I have a couple close child free friends who I think if they had kids I would definitely start to feel left out or second guess my decision.
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[jlt19]

I have kids and don't really have any friends without anymore, but I find it's hard to even maintain the same relationships with people that are newer parents than me. They have naps and worries about leaving the baby for too long. Once the kids are older, I'm all about leaving them for long trips or nights out. So, maybe you'll get those friendships back when the kids age a bit?

[lust2hart]

Yeah. I'm part of a pretty strong group of 5 girlfriends and in the last 18 months, 3 have had kids. The newest mom is the oldest of the group and I'm next, and I remember her saying, when she was about 7 months pregnant, "Wow, [friend A and friend B, who are the two youngest] hang out all the time with their hip young selves. I don't think they like hanging out with us old farts!" She meant it mainly as a joke, but, obviously she's noticed that they've grown closer. And I thought, "Well no, they've bonded because they're both new moms, and soon you'll be joining their club."

And our dynamic has definitely changed, but I wouldn't say for the worse, it's just different. I appreciate that my mom friends work hard to make sure the conversation's not always about little Timmy starting to crawl or little Mary's eating her first solid food, and I think they appreciate that I love playing with / cuddling their babies.

But yes, even though that^ is true, my mom friends relate to each other in a way that I just can't. And that does make me a little sad sometimes.

[birdistheword]

Sept 2, 2016 8:28:41 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

Yeah. I'm part of a pretty strong group of 5 girlfriends and in the last 18 months, 3 have had kids. The newest mom is the oldest of the group and I'm next, and I remember her saying, when she was about 7 months pregnant, "Wow, [friend A and friend B, who are the two youngest] hang out all the time with their hip young selves. I don't think they like hanging out with us old farts!" She meant it mainly as a joke, but, obviously she's noticed that they've grown closer. And I thought, "Well no, they've bonded because they're both new moms, and soon you'll be joining their club."

And our dynamic has definitely changed, but I wouldn't say for the worse, it's just different. I appreciate that my mom friends work hard to make sure the conversation's not always about little Timmy starting to crawl or little Mary's eating her first solid food, and I think they appreciate that I love playing with / cuddling their babies.

But yes, even though that^ is true, my mom friends relate to each other in a way that I just can't. And that does make me a little sad sometimes.

The bolded is what I think is really getting to me. It's not the fact that they will have less time to hang out (two of my three best friends live out of town, so I don't get to see them much anyway), it's that I can't relate to them on the same level as other moms can. 

[litskispeciality]

I read a blog about this once. It's totally normally to have that "but should I really have a kid" thought. I spend a lot of time alone since my husband and I work almost opposite schedules. I'll have those "will I be lonely without a kid" thoughts, but they pass quickly when I think of everything I'd have to give up.

I agree the relationship can change, although my friends with kids aren't too bad. I just get frustrated when the comments fly about how much free time I have because I don't have a kid. I still work, have to do all the chores and errands you do, just less frequently.

[Linie]

My friends' kids are a little older, so it's not really an issue of not seeing each other. Others do not have children (yet). My group of friends ranges from 28 to 66, some in couples, some single.

The only moment when I was seriously questioning my decision was when my brother had his first son (4.5 years ago). I was already over 40 by then and in a very bad marriage. Now, I enjoy them like they're my own, but at the end of the day, I can return them to their parents. The best of two worlds!

[glw]

Yes, because our lives are very different now. I am still going out drinking several nights a week and to concerts and festivals on weekends, and they are not. I'm not interested in hanging out at home with kids, so I don't really see my friends who are parents often anymore. Most of the people I hang out with now are older, with high-school aged kids, or younger/single people (I'm 33).