What would you make of this?

[jenstar]

I talked to xh today when he dropped DS off about going on a big trip next year for a few weeks. He said it was fine and then mentioned that around that time he was going overseas also and that his gf was probably coming.. But nothing about taking DS.. They will have a new baby very soon so they would obviously be taking the new baby, but not DS..

Is this normal/reasonable? I told him that was probably a bit harsh in DS and he said he just didn't know what he would do during the day when he was at his conference.. It doesn't matter in the end as I'm planning to still be away when he leaves but I was kind of wtf?!

[jellymankelly]

I wouldn't think anything of it. My XH takes more trips without the kids than he takes with them. In fact, they rarely go places with him unless it's to visit family. I would probably think it was weird if he was going to a conference and wanted to take them, honestly.

[jenstar]

Sept 5, 2016 7:25:02 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I wouldn't think anything of it. My XH takes more trips without the kids than he takes with them. In fact, they rarely go places with him unless it's to visit family. I would probably think it was weird if he was going to a conference and wanted to take them, honestly.

He definitely travels mostly on his own.. But this would be taking DS's sibling along but not him..? So like a family holiday but leaving one kid behind. Obviously he will be at the conference for part of it although I expect they'll be doing other stuff while there.

[jellymankelly]

Sept 5, 2016 7:28:22 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Sept 5, 2016 7:25:02 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I wouldn't think anything of it. My XH takes more trips without the kids than he takes with them. In fact, they rarely go places with him unless it's to visit family. I would probably think it was weird if he was going to a conference and wanted to take them, honestly.

He definitely travels mostly on his own.. But this would be taking DS's sibling along but not him..? So like a family holiday but leaving one kid behind. Obviously he will be at the conference for part of it although I expect they'll be doing other stuff while there.

I understand what you're saying, but that child's mother is also going on the trip. If the new baby is living with your XH full time, and your son is not, there are going to be things that the new baby gets to do that your son isn't there for. It's one of those things about blended families that everyone has to get used to.

[doglove]

He's a self serving douche. Odds are he's only taking the new kid because his gf is coming along. Hugs.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 5, 2016 7:28:22 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Sept 5, 2016 7:25:02 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I wouldn't think anything of it. My XH takes more trips without the kids than he takes with them. In fact, they rarely go places with him unless it's to visit family. I would probably think it was weird if he was going to a conference and wanted to take them, honestly.

He definitely travels mostly on his own.. But this would be taking DS's sibling along but not him..? So like a family holiday but leaving one kid behind. Obviously he will be at the conference for part of it although I expect they'll be doing other stuff while there.

i wouldn't think anything of it, especially since it looks like a work conference and the new gf & baby are basically tagging along.  if it was a full blown vacation, i still wouldn't think twice simply bc this is how blended families work. there will be some trips your ds will go on and others he won't.

[doriswe]

Sept 5, 2016 10:11:24 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Sept 5, 2016 7:28:22 GMT -5 jenstar said:

He definitely travels mostly on his own.. But this would be taking DS's sibling along but not him..? So like a family holiday but leaving one kid behind. Obviously he will be at the conference for part of it although I expect they'll be doing other stuff while there.

i wouldn't think anything of it, especially since it looks like a work conference and the new gf & baby are basically tagging along.  if it was a full blown vacation, i still wouldn't think twice simply bc this is how blended families work. there will be some trips your ds will go on and others he won't.

I'm here too. Let this slide off your back. And definitely don't bring it up to DS. If he comments just point out its a work trip, nbd.

[stephreloaded]

I think it would probably annoy me at first. Then I would just understand that it is completely different to entertain a baby than an older child. The baby can just be in the hotel for the entire day but then your child would actually want to go out and do stuff.

What would be the sleeping arrangements with your kid? I know that bringing the GF, it would only be the double occupancy payment but then adding one more person, would be an extra hassle for his work for example.

I would be hurt if they did fun family trips and never take the other kid though. While I do understand that the other kid cannot be in every single one of those, it would really suck if they never made an effort to take your DS in any of those.

[Deleted]

It's going to be a baby. My parents have six kids between them. They went to Hawaii for my dad's work conference/reward thingy when I was one-ish. I was the only kid who went because of age (not that I remember anything at one). With an older kid, likely another room would need to be rented or a suite upgrade. Then it puts a lot of pressure on the GF to entertain your DS in an unknown area with a new-ish baby.

I don't have kids but I truly dislike when some people on this board immediately jumps to "what a douchecanoe" without thought. Not all XH are douches/bad fathers/etc. Situations are complicated.

[racegrrl714]

Sept 5, 2016 7:35:46 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Sept 5, 2016 7:28:22 GMT -5 jenstar said:

He definitely travels mostly on his own.. But this would be taking DS's sibling along but not him..? So like a family holiday but leaving one kid behind. Obviously he will be at the conference for part of it although I expect they'll be doing other stuff while there.

I understand what you're saying, but that child's mother is also going on the trip. If the new baby is living with your XH full time, and your son is not, there are going to be things that the new baby gets to do that your son isn't there for. It's one of those things about blended families that everyone has to get used to.

I agree. Do you really expect xh's gf to watch your son for several weeks while he's at a conference all day? She'll probably have her hands full with the new baby. It's not exactly fair, but then again, what in life is?
Save

[jenstar]

Thanks for the input guys, obviously I haven't been in this situation before so I wasn't really sure what to think. @lemonlover, I don't think anyone was jumping to the conclusion that my XH is a douchecanoe, he really is and has proven that on many occasions, our DS is only a priority for him when it suits, it might just be that you don't have the background.

I'm actually ok with them not taking DS places with them, I'd honestly rather have him with me, I just worry that that might be hurtful as he grows up and notices more. Obviously there is a whole lot of other history there with his dad that I'm taking into account as I consider this. I do appreciate the opinions though, I'm obviously not going to push the issue x

[doglove]

Sept 5, 2016 13:33:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

It's going to be a baby. My parents have six kids between them. They went to Hawaii for my dad's work conference/reward thingy when I was one-ish. I was the only kid who went because of age (not that I remember anything at one). With an older kid, likely another room would need to be rented or a suite upgrade. Then it puts a lot of pressure on the GF to entertain your DS in an unknown area with a new-ish baby.

I don't have kids but I truly dislike when some people on this board immediately jumps to "what a douchecanoe" without thought. Not all XH are douches/bad fathers/etc. Situations are complicated.

Do you know the backstory here? Because if you did, you'd likely say it too. 

[doriswe]

Sept 6, 2016 7:26:18 GMT -5 doglove said:

Sept 5, 2016 13:33:19 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

It's going to be a baby. My parents have six kids between them. They went to Hawaii for my dad's work conference/reward thingy when I was one-ish. I was the only kid who went because of age (not that I remember anything at one). With an older kid, likely another room would need to be rented or a suite upgrade. Then it puts a lot of pressure on the GF to entertain your DS in an unknown area with a new-ish baby.

I don't have kids but I truly dislike when some people on this board immediately jumps to "what a douchecanoe" without thought. Not all XH are douches/bad fathers/etc. Situations are complicated.

Do you know the backstory here? Because if you did, you'd likely say it too. 

While I agree backstory always helps, I do agree with the whole don't jump to XH being a douchecanoe, because that shit spills over into your parenting, whether or not you want it to. In this case, I don't think he's being a douche. If he was planning a family trip to Disney and excluding kiddo, sure, but this is a work trip with an infant, who could possibly be nursing. I don't think he's out of line for going without the kid. And it doesn't even sound like OP would want him to go anyway, so painting him with the broad strokes of "douchecanoe" paint isn't helping.

[doglove]

Yes, I believe him to be a narcissistic douche, but IMO it does pertain to this situation. We're not talking about a reasonable person here given all the things she's had to put up with and I don't believe this story is just an isolated incident where he's suddenly not a douche. As to jenstar's question - is this reasonable? Okay perhaps it's reasonable with a normal healthy man to not take his other child, but this person has shown time and time again that he is anything but reasonable.

Also isn't there a blended family expectation here that is normal and healthy? Especially if the conference is only a portion of this trip? She did not say specifically say it was a work trip - it was a trip with a conference and that there will be other things to do. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that the girlfriend (potential wife and stepmother) could watch her child for a day or two while he attends the conference?

In any event, I honestly think the crux of the OP is this - that it is highlighting her feelings that her child is and probably will continue to be slighted due to this new child with the new relationship because narcissists use their children for games and supply in this exact way and I was trying to validate her feelings. Even if she doesn't want her child to go, she still has a right to feel upset if he is slighting her kid. And that's how I read it and commented on it.

[Deleted]

Yes, I'm pretty sure I stated that in a broad sense as this is happening often and with multiple people and multiple parenting situations on different posts. You find douche when you're looking for douche. M'kay?

Same goes for "I have an RO so you should get an RO as well in your situation".

Situations are not a "one size fits all" and I'm not saying it's JUST for this post but this board in general.

[glynn]

I would be sad if my kid was left out. It is what happens with divorce and kids often. I plan things around my kids schedule which sometimes means I do not due things I want. My choice, my kids.

[dancelnow]

Traveling with an infant is not the same at all to with an older child. In this particular situation, I think it's normal and reasonable

[jenstar]

Sept 6, 2016 7:51:26 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Sept 6, 2016 7:26:18 GMT -5 doglove said:

Do you know the backstory here? Because if you did, you'd likely say it too. 

While I agree backstory always helps, I do agree with the whole don't jump to XH being a douchecanoe, because that shit spills over into your parenting, whether or not you want it to. In this case, I don't think he's being a douche. If he was planning a family trip to Disney and excluding kiddo, sure, but this is a work trip with an infant, who could possibly be nursing. I don't think he's out of line for going without the kid. And it doesn't even sound like OP would want him to go anyway, so painting him with the broad strokes of "douchecanoe" paint isn't helping.

I think this makes sense. He really is an asshole dad though, which is the reason I don't really want DS spending extra time with him. He's also an awful traveller so I feel like that could make the whole experience worse for DS if he did tag along.

I think lemonlover makes a good point though too about looking for a douche. I think my experience with xh in regards to DS is so tainted by his past behaviour that it's hard sometimes to know if he's actually being reasonable (rare!) and I'm just getting defensive for my kid because he's generally such a dick. That's why I ask here, for an outside perspective

[jojoandleo]

Here is the thing-your XH IS A DOUCHCANOE. He is. BUT, this is not a moment of him being a douche. HOWEVER, since he IS one, you are understandably sensitive and on the look out for ways he may be hurting your son.

So, no, I don't think taking a new born to a conference trip is similar to a family vacation. In THIS case, your son is not being left out. However, as a person from a blended family, my mom and step-dad used to take trips with just my brother while my sister and I were at our dad's over the summer. It made me very sad. So, if he starts taking just trips (NOT A CONFERENCE)-YES, your XH would be a douche for that.

[racegrrl714]

Sept 7, 2016 10:44:37 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Here is the thing-your XH IS A DOUCHCANOE. He is. BUT, this is not a moment of him being a douche. HOWEVER, since he IS one, you are understandably sensitive and on the look out for ways he may be hurting your son.

So, no, I don't think taking a new born to a conference trip is similar to a family vacation. In THIS case, your son is not being left out. However, as a person from a blended family, my mom and step-dad used to take trips with just my brother while my sister and I were at our dad's over the summer. It made me very sad. So, if he starts taking just trips (NOT A CONFERENCE)-YES, your XH would be a douche for that.

I completely agree.