Two year old/sibling trouble

[eav2c]

I don't know how else to title this.

Oliver is so much work. He's trouble for us and his teachers and nothing works. I admit I'm probably not firm enough but it's just new territory for me. The director of his pre-k tells me it's normal, they are working with him, and totally unconcerned but his teacher is not as helpful.

These are the issues we are currently dealing with.

-he's a runner. At school they have to cross the road to get to the playground and he ran away in the road last week. I'm told it was a fluke because the director was dealing with another issue and wasn't there to help the 2 year olds like normal. He is a runner with us too. He thinks it's hilarious and he's fast.

-he's hands-y. I'm told he is the first to console and love on any hurt children but will also be the first to push another child down. The boys are pretty aggressive at home and neither are responsive to threats nor consequences. It's an issue I am having with both boys - though Colin has never had an issue at school. They are hurting eachother constantly and neither will listen when I try to break it up.

-Oliver will throw, spit, scratch, and hit. Colin did some scratching and hitting at this age this age but I feel like it's worse with Oliver. Colin had worse all around tantrums but Oliver just seems so much more aggressive.

I could go on and on but I don't even know how to approach any of this. We've taken toys away, timeouts, stern talking to, nice repeated talks, etc. He does not respond and doesn't even pretend to listen to us. These aren't unique issues to just him as often Colin doesn't listen either but he's at least respectful at school and listens there.

I don't even know what I'm looking for here but I just don't even know how to approach anything with Oliver. I'm at a loss and frustrated to tears. Between the constant fighting between the boys and the school problems I just feel completely hopeless.

[shevacc]

Hugs eav2c! Kids can be so difficult and infuriating sometimes!

X regularly tests his limits, any limit he can think of. DH and I were just having a conversation yesterday about how we really have to make sure to 100% follow through with him -- the consequences he hates most tend to restrict his freedom. Although he's been kneeling/sitting at the table for a while, we pulled out the booster seat and strapped him in over the weekend after repeatedly reminding him to stop playing/throwing food/spilling milk. He was SO UPSET, but this morning when I told him to stop or he'd have to go back in the booster seat, he chose to stop. But...I feel like at this age even if things work some of the time, some of the time they're going to choose to act up anyway, regardless of consequences. They tell me at school sometimes he'll hit another kid, then walk right over to "time out", as if he calculated that it was worth it to act up anyway.

I don't know if any of that helps you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you in the trenches. 2 is a challenging age and you're doing a great job with your boys.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, 2 is such a hard age

A was a runner until 3.5, so I think that part can sadly be normal. She also thought it was hilarious. She didn't stop until she fully understood that running could get her seriously injured, which happened right around 3.5. It made all outings very stressful and did limit what I would do with her.

[irishsara]

I think some of it is normal but also I think consistency is key. You say you've tried everything, but maybe the problem is that you've tried everything. I would pick one consequence/tactic and stick with it. It's definitely not going to work the first few times, but as long as you're consistent, it might start to.

[eav2c]

Sept 7, 2016 17:58:23 GMT -5 irishsara said:

I think some of it is normal but also I think consistency is key. You say you've tried everything, but maybe the problem is that you've tried everything. I would pick one consequence/tactic and stick with it. It's definitely not going to work the first few times, but as long as you're consistent, it might start to.

That's a great point. I just get frustrated so easily that he doesn't respond at all. I feel like he almost thinks my attempts at any sort of consequence are funny so I back off and try something else the next time because I just feel foolish. You're right that consistency is key and he knows I'm not consistent so it's just a joke to him. I am going to focus on this more because it's probably the most important thing.

[eav2c]

Sept 7, 2016 11:40:10 GMT -5 shevacc said:

Hugs eav2c! Kids can be so difficult and infuriating sometimes!

X regularly tests his limits, any limit he can think of. DH and I were just having a conversation yesterday about how we really have to make sure to 100% follow through with him -- the consequences he hates most tend to restrict his freedom. Although he's been kneeling/sitting at the table for a while, we pulled out the booster seat and strapped him in over the weekend after repeatedly reminding him to stop playing/throwing food/spilling milk. He was SO UPSET, but this morning when I told him to stop or he'd have to go back in the booster seat, he chose to stop. But...I feel like at this age even if things work some of the time, some of the time they're going to choose to act up anyway, regardless of consequences. They tell me at school sometimes he'll hit another kid, then walk right over to "time out", as if he calculated that it was worth it to act up anyway.

I don't know if any of that helps you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you in the trenches. 2 is a challenging age and you're doing a great job with your boys.

I appreciate it. Colin was always on the other end when it came to these things so I just honestly feel pretty helpless. I know I'm not but sometimes I almost feel wrong disciplining him because Colin didn't need that form of disciplining - at this age at least. It makes me feel like I'm favoring one so I just feel bad. I know that Oliver's needs are different though and it's important to address them.

I'm sorry you're dealing with it too. Colin has been hurt at school by other children and it sucks. However, it sucks so much more when it's your child hurting another. I think about the mom who gets the "oops" report and how she must wonder why her child was subject to being hurt at school. It sucks and I am so sad that my child is being generally difficult for his teacher and friends. According to him the girl he hurt on Tuesday is one whose mom just had a baby last Thursday. I'm so sad thinking that this poor mom just had a baby and is worried now that her daughter as been pushed down. I know this is normal 2 year old stuff but I just feel so bad.

Are you and your husband on the same page with regards to consequences? I feel like that's an issue here, unfortunately.

[imimahoney]

I'm sorry. Ari was so do hard at 2, a lot of what you described and he was a runner until maybe 4? I know that's when I was finally comfy with letting him walk next to me instead of be in a cart.

I hope you find something that works, it's really a sucky age.

[carawestt]

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said but I'm sorry. 2 is rough.

[fusion]

I'm sorry, 2 is so tough :/ WRT the running, what worked for me with Jameson was to take him someplace he loved that I knew we could leave (he loved the park, so that's where I went), give him one warning, then immediately leave when he did run and just calmly say why over and over again on the drive home. Declan isn't as terrible, but for him he went through a phase of not wanting to hold my hand crossing roads, so it was "hold hand or be picked up like a baby", if he didn't hold my hand he immediately got scooped up.

[irishsara]

Sept 7, 2016 19:04:41 GMT -5 eav2c said:

Sept 7, 2016 17:58:23 GMT -5 irishsara said:

I think some of it is normal but also I think consistency is key. You say you've tried everything, but maybe the problem is that you've tried everything. I would pick one consequence/tactic and stick with it. It's definitely not going to work the first few times, but as long as you're consistent, it might start to.

That's a great point. I just get frustrated so easily that he doesn't respond at all. I feel like he almost thinks my attempts at any sort of consequence are funny so I back off and try something else the next time because I just feel foolish. You're right that consistency is key and he knows I'm not consistent so it's just a joke to him. I am going to focus on this more because it's probably the most important thing.

Its definitely hard and frustrating and usually the last thing I want to be dealing with and I just want it to end!  Hang in there!  

[shevacc]

Sept 7, 2016 19:10:27 GMT -5 eav2c said:

Sept 7, 2016 11:40:10 GMT -5 shevacc said:

Hugs eav2c! Kids can be so difficult and infuriating sometimes!

X regularly tests his limits, any limit he can think of. DH and I were just having a conversation yesterday about how we really have to make sure to 100% follow through with him -- the consequences he hates most tend to restrict his freedom. Although he's been kneeling/sitting at the table for a while, we pulled out the booster seat and strapped him in over the weekend after repeatedly reminding him to stop playing/throwing food/spilling milk. He was SO UPSET, but this morning when I told him to stop or he'd have to go back in the booster seat, he chose to stop. But...I feel like at this age even if things work some of the time, some of the time they're going to choose to act up anyway, regardless of consequences. They tell me at school sometimes he'll hit another kid, then walk right over to "time out", as if he calculated that it was worth it to act up anyway.

I don't know if any of that helps you, but I wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you in the trenches. 2 is a challenging age and you're doing a great job with your boys.

I appreciate it. Colin was always on the other end when it came to these things so I just honestly feel pretty helpless. I know I'm not but sometimes I almost feel wrong disciplining him because Colin didn't need that form of disciplining - at this age at least. It makes me feel like I'm favoring one so I just feel bad. I know that Oliver's needs are different though and it's important to address them.

I'm sorry you're dealing with it too. Colin has been hurt at school by other children and it sucks. However, it sucks so much more when it's your child hurting another. I think about the mom who gets the "oops" report and how she must wonder why her child was subject to being hurt at school. It sucks and I am so sad that my child is being generally difficult for his teacher and friends. According to him the girl he hurt on Tuesday is one whose mom just had a baby last Thursday. I'm so sad thinking that this poor mom just had a baby and is worried now that her daughter as been pushed down. I know this is normal 2 year old stuff but I just feel so bad.

Are you and your husband on the same page with regards to consequences? I feel like that's an issue here, unfortunately.

We're mostly on the same page, but I'm the enforcer and DH is typically the fun parent. Sometimes I'll remind him to follow through since he lets X get away with more, but he's pretty good.

I've decided I'd rather have the daycare victim than the aggressor any day, not that we get to pick. G went through several biting phases that sucked but mostly has been peaceful. X...is a handful. He's also cuddly and full of energy, curious, and a character. But give him an inch and he takes a mile every time. These kids!

[teamhayes]

Not much more to add but I wanted to chime in and tell you how great and caring ad awesome of a mom friend wife person you are and Those boys are so so lucky to have you as their mom

You are doing everything you can and got great advise in here
Kids are so tough and there is no one answer for everyone
Hugs kisses and pleas come around more I miss you

[lauranicole91]

I just wanted to offer hugs and remind you that you are an amazing mom. I hope you find something that works, 2 is definitely a challenge.

[fryjack2]

I don't have any new advice that hasn't already been offered really.

I can sympathize with having more than one child and how difficult it can be to follow through with consequences.

I've noticed that it helps to remind the boys about rules before we go. For instance, I'll say, "boys, when we get out of the car, I need you to hold my hand because it's a busy street and I want you to be safe. Once we get to the grass, you can run. If you don't hold my hand, we are going to go home instead."

Then if they refuse to hold my hand or the stroller or whatever, we go home. I'll say that I'm disappointed that they didn't listen and that they lost out on a fun time. I tell them we can try again tomorrow but the same rules will apply.

With a two year old, I think it's a bit tougher to reason. I think safety is the most important so you might have to make him sit in a stroller or immediately remove him from his brother when he hits.

[eav2c]

Thanks everyone! It helps a lot.

We were late to school today and I think his teacher thought he wouldn't be there. She honestly looked bummed he was there when I opened the door. She does not communicate with me at all. As I was leaving the director (who is awesome) told me they are going to do a behavior plan for Oliver. Why would his teacher not mention this to me? I even said to her "I really hope today is better, we've been trying to really talk to him and reinforce good behavior and have consequences for bad." She just kind of gave him a half smile. I am in no way placing blame on the teacher - Oliver has behavior issues at home too so it's not her - but she isn't helping, IMO.

The director did tell me that him "hurting" other kids was more so not knowing his boundaries and just trying to be friendly/loving. Like, he would try to hug someone and they wouldn't want to be hugged and would fall over. She says he hasn't been trying to hurt on purpose to her knowledge.


We've been watching Colin's BFF and his older brother and Oliver is SO GOOD around them. I think he just meshes well with older boys because he has a big brother. His little friends in his class don't have any big siblings so I feel like maybe this isn't helping him. He is used to having someone up in his business and vice versa so he automatically thinks he can do it. It's not ok and obviously needs to be worked on.

The director said that obviously the teacher needs to be holding his hand when they cross the street. I am WTF that the director even had to tell the teacher this. I know she has other children to be concerned with but he's the only one who has strayed so why she wouldn't be automatically doing this is beyond me. They have aids to help them so it's not like she's alone.

I am not trying to pass any blame onto the teacher but he was facing these problems this summer too. He had a different teacher and I could tell she loved him and was reassuring constantly that this was pretty normal behavior. The new teacher just seems to give me the feeling that she's judging and I can tell by the look on her face at drop off and pick up how she feels about him.