I just can't get over how stupid he's being. Wouldn't you try to hide your dick behavior?
Underreacting.
BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory. I think he did it to get back at you (like he said). I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it. I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole. I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.
From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found. To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that. And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.
Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat. Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day. But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.
I am listening to you. He supposedly did this months ago. I have never found him emotionally manipulative. I honestly think he's a great husband and dad.
I an embarrassed at about how we fight sometimes because it's not nice, but we have worked on that mutually and are in a much better place now. He is a legit nice guy who listens and respects me...other than this incident.
I've used kik some and it's super easy to delete messages and it leaves no record of there ever being a message. What confuses me about his story is that you can't really search for someone on kik, you need their user name, which you'd get off a dating site, etc.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're over reacting at all.
A sneaky way to see who he has been texting - type in a letter and anyone who he recently has messaged will show as an option for a new message. You don't necessarily need a full SN. Also, people on dating sites and similar apps use kik to start communication without having to give out their actual cell #
And another PP mentioned using kik for talking to folks overseas - that's why I have it too, but I know that's not why a lot of people use it - especially with that kind of SN. We're not all a special brand of stupid. He is
BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory. I think he did it to get back at you (like he said). I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it. I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole. I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.
From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found. To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that. And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.
Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat. Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day. But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.
I am listening to you. He supposedly did this months ago. I have never found him emotionally manipulative. I honestly think he's a great husband and dad.
I an embarrassed at about how we fight sometimes because it's not nice, but we have worked on that mutually and are in a much better place now. He is a legit nice guy who listens and respects me...other than this incident.
He's really devastated--he knows he fucked up.
You don't have to convince anyone other than yourself.
I would be seriously shocked if he physically cheated. He works a lot and rarely goes out.
He had said he is not blaming me and there is no one to blame but him. He completely accepts that I'm suspicious and is freaking out about me leaving with the kids. He knows he's fucked up.
BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory. I think he did it to get back at you (like he said). I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it. I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole. I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.
From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found. To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that. And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.
Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat. Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day. But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.
I am listening to you. He supposedly did this months ago. I have never found him emotionally manipulative. I honestly think he's a great husband and dad.
I an embarrassed at about how we fight sometimes because it's not nice, but we have worked on that mutually and are in a much better place now. He is a legit nice guy who listens and respects me...other than this incident.
He's really devastated--he knows he fucked up.
Oh, wait.. He opened the account months ago?
That's even shadier than I thought.
Listen, maybe he is a great guy and dad that messed up once by looking up and downloading an app that's known for hook ups and kept it on his phone for months and never deleted it even after he wasn't angry and "wanted to get back at you"
I'm not saying DTMFA or anything.. But.. every cheater is "devastated" when they get caught. Every cheater knows they "fucked up"
And good men that are good dads don't download apps for cheating to get back at their wives after a fight. No matter how dirty it was.
I'm not saying this is definitive proof that he's a cheater. But I would visit survivinginfidelity.com, read some of the stories on the forums and the resources and do some serious evaluating and digging.
BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory. I think he did it to get back at you (like he said). I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it. I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole. I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.
From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found. To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that. And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.
Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat. Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day. But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.
I disagree with this.
I disagree as well. My ExH saved a website to his favorites folder. I accidentally found it there.
I've used kik some and it's super easy to delete messages and it leaves no record of there ever being a message. What confuses me about his story is that you can't really search for someone on kik, you need their user name, which you'd get off a dating site, etc.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're over reacting at all.
A sneaky way to see who he has been texting - type in a letter and anyone who he recently has messaged will show as an option for a new message. You don't necessarily need a full SN. Also, people on dating sites and similar apps use kik to start communication without having to give out their actual cell #
And another PP mentioned using kik for talking to folks overseas - that's why I have it too, but I know that's not why a lot of people use it - especially with that kind of SN. We're not all a special brand of stupid. He is
An offshoot of this -- have you tried googling the SN he was using, or searching for it on dating sites?
I would be seriously shocked if he physically cheated. He works a lot and rarely goes out.
He had said he is not blaming me and there is no one to blame but him. He completely accepts that I'm suspicious and is freaking out about me leaving with the kids. He knows he's fucked up.
I am listening to you. He supposedly did this months ago. I have never found him emotionally manipulative. I honestly think he's a great husband and dad.
I an embarrassed at about how we fight sometimes because it's not nice, but we have worked on that mutually and are in a much better place now. He is a legit nice guy who listens and respects me...other than this incident.
He's really devastated--he knows he fucked up.
Oh, wait.. He opened the account months ago?
That's even shadier than I thought.
Listen, maybe he is a great guy and dad that messed up once by looking up and downloading an app that's known for hook ups and kept it on his phone for months and never deleted it even after he wasn't angry and "wanted to get back at you"
I'm not saying DTMFA or anything.. But.. every cheater is "devastated" when they get caught. Every cheater knows they "fucked up"
And good men that are good dads don't download apps for cheating to get back at their wives after a fight. No matter how dirty it was.
I'm not saying this is definitive proof that he's a cheater. But I would visit survivinginfidelity.com, read some of the stories on the forums and the resources and do some serious evaluating and digging.
Thank you for this. I feel like I knowas my husband...but obviously this shit is not what I know.
I disagree as well. My ExH saved a website to his favorites folder. I accidentally found it there.
I totally acknowledge I could be wrong! I just meant that in my experience, the men/stories I heard, they generally went to great lengths to cover their infidelities.
I once knew a guy (whom I no longer talk to) that downloaded and used Words with Friends exclusively to talk with the woman he was cheating with. Because it has a chat feature, doesn't save the messages after the "game" is over and what spouse would look into Words with Friends for evidence of cheating??
A sneaky way to see who he has been texting - type in a letter and anyone who he recently has messaged will show as an option for a new message. You don't necessarily need a full SN. Also, people on dating sites and similar apps use kik to start communication without having to give out their actual cell #
And another PP mentioned using kik for talking to folks overseas - that's why I have it too, but I know that's not why a lot of people use it - especially with that kind of SN. We're not all a special brand of stupid. He is
An offshoot of this -- have you tried googling the SN he was using, or searching for it on dating sites?
Listen, maybe he is a great guy and dad that messed up once by looking up and downloading an app that's known for hook ups and kept it on his phone for months and never deleted it even after he wasn't angry and "wanted to get back at you"
I'm not saying DTMFA or anything.. But.. every cheater is "devastated" when they get caught. Every cheater knows they "fucked up"
And good men that are good dads don't download apps for cheating to get back at their wives after a fight. No matter how dirty it was.
I'm not saying this is definitive proof that he's a cheater. But I would visit survivinginfidelity.com, read some of the stories on the forums and the resources and do some serious evaluating and digging.
Thank you for this. I feel like I knowas my husband...but obviously this shit is not what I know.
I am trying very hard not to be stupid.
Listen, you are NOT stupid.
Clearly, you recognize the way you guys fight is unhealthy. Stupid people don't evaluate themselves in that way. And you guys are making changes in your fighting style.. that's really good!
But, it still doesn't excuse shady behavior! And you're smart enough to recognize that something isn't right. Trust your gut. And if he is as good a husband and father as you think, he will recognize that he put your trust in a very precarious spot (because, HELLO.. talking/cheating app!) and he will allow you to build up your trust with him again. By him being completely transparent. If he resists transparency, I would be very, very wary. If he welcomes it, I would take full advantage and show him you're not playing around.
Thank you for this. I feel like I knowas my husband...but obviously this shit is not what I know.
I am trying very hard not to be stupid.
Listen, you are NOT stupid.
Clearly, you recognize the way you guys fight is unhealthy. Stupid people don't evaluate themselves in that way. And you guys are making changes in your fighting style.. that's really good!
But, it still doesn't excuse shady behavior! And you're smart enough to recognize that something isn't right. Trust your gut. And if he is as good a husband and father as you think, he will recognize that he put your trust in a very precarious spot (because, HELLO.. talking/cheating app!) and he will allow you to build up your trust with him again. By him being completely transparent. If he resists transparency, I would be very, very wary. If he welcomes it, I would take full advantage and show him you're not playing around.
Post by boxertdog on Sept 10, 2016 22:00:30 GMT -5
My guess is he figured you wouldn't know what the app was and he regularly deletes his activity. Wouldn't an app like that make sure you could delete your activity? SHADY. I'm sorry. spouses get into fights without one of them downloading a dating app. This isn't normal behavior.
Clearly, you recognize the way you guys fight is unhealthy. Stupid people don't evaluate themselves in that way. And you guys are making changes in your fighting style.. that's really good!
But, it still doesn't excuse shady behavior! And you're smart enough to recognize that something isn't right. Trust your gut. And if he is as good a husband and father as you think, he will recognize that he put your trust in a very precarious spot (because, HELLO.. talking/cheating app!) and he will allow you to build up your trust with him again. By him being completely transparent. If he resists transparency, I would be very, very wary. If he welcomes it, I would take full advantage and show him you're not playing around.
He has already given and offered full access.
That's good that he's been cooperative. Because he is fully in the wrong here.
I still recommend reading the Surviving Infidelity board (especially Just Found Out) and their library/resource list. It's not just for people that know their spouse is cheating. It's also for people that aren't sure or for whatever reason their trust has been shaken.
They also give a million great tips for moving forward if you suspect infidelity.
Also, if I haven't said this before, I'm sorry you're going through this. Broken trust is the worst.
This is all so weird. Like, doing this to "get back at you" and keeping it there and waiting for you to find it, but then immediately rolling over like this?
I don't know. I hope your instincts that there's nothing more to this are correct, but I wouldn't stop digging. Especially after a few weeks when he feels comfortable again.
I'm here. I had an ex that swore all day he wasn't cheating and never got caught but by god if the gal wasn't his girlfriend after I dumped his ass. Sometimes your gut just knows even if your brain says there's no proof you shouldn't trust them. You know whether it's off or if doing something like that to be stupid is his personality.
Post by miniroller on Sept 10, 2016 22:27:03 GMT -5
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Just wanted to add that I admire how open-minded you're being taking advice from these (mostly;)) intelligent, well-intentioned women. Best of luck to you; your open eyes & ears will serve you well.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Just wanted to add that I admire how open-minded you're being taking advice from these (mostly;)) intelligent, well-intentioned women. Best of luck to you; your open eyes & ears will serve you well.
Truly, suspiciousae! You (again!) are not stupid. You are a clearheaded, logical woman. I do hope any advice we give you leads to a good outcome.
If it's not though, you are more than welcome here!
Post by carrotsmakemefat on Sept 11, 2016 8:42:32 GMT -5
I also saw an interesting spot on the today show recently about digital infidelity. How it's a newer concept for marriage counsellors. Some people never actually meet but they want that out of sight, out of mind back up. Or someone to stroke their ego online.
I've been pretty open about my own marriage struggles and we are in therapy as a result of it. No physical cheating thankfully but a lot of suspicious online stuff that finally broke me. It's such a grey area and a bitch to deal with
We all deserve to be treated well, like the amazing people we are. I vote to continue to keep one eye open on this, and if you can, try marriage therapy. It's been amazing for us so far whether we stay together or not. I've learned so much
I hope you and your H try marriage counseling. From your posts, it sounds like you love and respect him. But first, you have the nasty fighting, and now you add (deserved) suspicion of infidelity. That's a lot for a marriage to bear.
It's hard to tell what your H has or has not done, but the thinking about it can make you crazy, and can make regular day-to-day annoying stuff feel so much worse. At least that was my experience from my first marriage. But at the same time, what you've found out could be the warning sign you need, and I've seen couples who go through counseling bounce back so much stronger.
Do you really believe that you are a nasty fighter? Or is this something that only your husband brings out in you? Because really, he sounds pretty horrible. I am a almost always a fair fighter, but that is also because I'm married to a fair fighter. If I was married to someone that did something like your husband did, I might very well become a "cussing and screaming" kind of fighter.
I am concerned you are taking the blame for something that is really one of these "your husband is a dick" problems. Now, if you have issues with how you handle conflict with both him and other people, then maybe you do need to keep working on this yourself also.
Post by suspiciousae on Sept 12, 2016 20:47:34 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the support and advice. MH immediately gave me access to everything and I have found nothing. He has never been hesitant to allow me access to his phone, so I'm not entirely surprised that I haven't found anything.
He immediately agreed with therapy and will be setting up an appointment for marriage counseling. I really hope this can be a constructive tool help us both.
He is very aware that he fucked up big time. I'm mostly sad, I feel sad for our kids. I just feel like something's changed, maybe for always.