My husband is being shady

[suspiciousae]

Last week I noticed MH had downloaded the kik app. Based on what I've heard, I was suspicious, but dismissed it at the time. Today, MH lent me his phone to see if the pizza guy called with directions and I opened the app and saw that his fucking SN was akin to "MHNameUpForAnything."

When the kids were in bed, I calmly had him open the app and looked at it. It looks like he's never been in it--no chats or searches. He said he downloaded after we got in a fight to look for someone to talk to, to get back at me, and looked at or and never used it. None of his excuses make sense. He's apologized and knows he's fucked up.

I asked him how fucking stupid is he because if you're going to do shady shit, don't paint a sign with an arrow directing me to your shady shit.

Nothing else looks weird on his phone. No idea what to do now. I might be overreacting, but I'm not sure. This just happened, I'm numb.

[cabbagecabbage]

You are NOT overreacting. I'm really sorry.

[letsgetweird]

You're not overreacting. He admitted he wanted to find someone to talk to get back at you. The best case scenario here, he admitted to wanting to do some shady shit.

You can also easily delete messages in kik.

[Dezi]

I actually think you're under reacting tbh. I would be watching him like a hawk going forward. I would have a really hard time trusting my H if I found this on his phone.

[suspiciousae]

Sept 10, 2016 20:27:04 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

You're not overreacting. He admitted he wanted to find someone to talk to get back at you. The best case scenario here, he admitted to wanting to do some shady shit.

You can also easily delete messages in kik.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

I checked hus phone and nothing looked overtly suspicious. However, I'm afraid he would use his work email and I don't have access to that.

[underwaterrhymes]

No.

Totally unacceptable.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect $200.

I have been mad at my spouse plenty of times and I have never downloaded a dating app or posted ads on CraigsList indicating I am up for anything.

[onesweetworld]

I agree that I think you're under-reacting. I would be flipping the F out.

That's not a way to "get back" at your wife. And even this idea of his about getting back at you is immature and toxic and no way for a marriage to be.

Sorry OP. What a fucker.

[suspiciousae]

I just can't get over how stupid he's being. Wouldn't you try to hide your dick behavior?

[hungrycaterpillar]

Sept 10, 2016 20:29:28 GMT -5 suspiciousae said:

Sept 10, 2016 20:27:04 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

You're not overreacting. He admitted he wanted to find someone to talk to get back at you. The best case scenario here, he admitted to wanting to do some shady shit.

You can also easily delete messages in kik.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

I checked hus phone and nothing looked overtly suspicious. However, I'm afraid he would use his work email and I don't have access to that.

Honestly I would ask for him to pull the work email up but I've been burned before.

[sapphireblue]

Wow, I'm really sorry.

I wouldn't believe him that he never looked at it. But I'm suspicious about this stuff after having been burned in the past.

When I caught my exH in a suspicious phone call with a woman that he had never mentioned to me, I checked our phone records and saw hundreds of texts to one specific number for the last month. I put spyware on his phone so that his texts were readable for me. Turns out it was very sexual stuff and flirty and lots of complaining about me.

I don't know--I am sure lots of people here won't approve of what I did but it was what I needed to do to stay strong and not believe his excuses.

I'm not necessarily saying you should do that but remain suspicious. Will he go to marriage counseling?

[WOUNDTIGHT]

I'm afraid this is the start of the truth trickle.

No decent husband would download an app to "get back" at his wife. Sorry. If I ever fight with my H, he might want to go out and grab a beer with a buddy. But seeking specifically another woman's company? Hard no.

[suspiciousae]

Sept 10, 2016 20:32:47 GMT -5 kooshball said:

Is there a back story?

I only see kik on Reddit on sex posts so yeah fuck that.

Not at all. No prior cheating. Our biggest problem is that we are not nice fighters and hit below the belt. It's something we area both working on and we are getting bether at it. Admittedly, I am probably worse with this than he is.

[suspiciousae]

Sept 10, 2016 20:32:46 GMT -5 sapphireblue said:

Wow, I'm really sorry.

I wouldn't believe him that he never looked at it. But I'm suspicious about this stuff after having been burned in the past.

When I caught my exH in a suspicious phone call with a woman that he had never mentioned to me, I checked our phone records and saw hundreds of texts to one specific number for the last month. I put spyware on his phone so that his texts were readable for me. Turns out it was very sexual stuff and flirty and lots of complaining about me.

I don't know--I am sure lots of people here won't approve of what I did but it was what I needed to do to stay strong and not believe his excuses.

I'm not necessarily saying you should do that but remain suspicious. Will he go to marriage counseling?

I would be shocked if he wouldn't go.

[happywife]

I'm sorry, I'd be pissed if my husband said he did something like that to get back at me.

Also, I had no idea Kik was considered shady. It's an IM I use to connect with my family, including my mom. Weird.

[sapphireblue]

When I think about his saying it was to "get back at you" that makes me so mad.

He is trying to make you feel responsible for this bullshit shady behavior!

[angelaa73]

Total bullshit excuse from a total bullshit excuse for a husband

[carrotsmakemefat]

Kik is only for communication you don't want via text (or easy to find) So yea. Shady. I'm sorry.

[suspiciousae]

Sept 10, 2016 20:38:40 GMT -5 kooshball said:

Sept 10, 2016 20:36:07 GMT -5 suspiciousae said:

Not at all. No prior cheating. Our biggest problem is that we are not nice fighters and hit below the belt. It's something we area both working on and we are getting bether at it. Admittedly, I am probably worse with this than he is.

Ahh makes sense. The keep calling him stupid made me wonder. 

I don't think calling him stupid in reference to his actions is uncalled for. His actions are really pretty fucking dumb.

[RoxMonster]

You are definitely not overreacting.This is not how a partner/spouse reacts to an argument.

After one of the biggest fights my H and I have had, I was fuming. I got in the car and drove to Target where I mad-shopped until I was calm enough to go home. I'm saying this to point out that regardless what you do when you get mad (shut down, want to talk it out etc) going on a dating app to find someone else is so unacceptable. I would have a hard time trusting him going forward. I'm sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry.  Wanting to "get back at you" by doing something like that seems like a lame excuse.  Texting apps like that easy to use for shady purposes because interactions on there don't show up on phone bills.  

Do people use them for other purposes? Yes--one of my good friends was going to school in Europe and we were able to text through what's app and make phone calls through there or Skype so she wouldn't have crazy charges.

In any case, if you guys fight nasty that's a really bad way to live.  During my brief marriage to xh---we fought really badly because he had anger issues and he was verbally abusive.  He cheated...I caught him via the cell phone bill.  He wasn't smart enough to download an app.

[newnamesameperson]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[followyourarrow]

I've used kik some and it's super easy to delete messages and it leaves no record of there ever being a message. What confuses me about his story is that you can't really search for someone on kik, you need their user name, which you'd get off a dating site, etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're over reacting at all.

[vicky]

Ugh. My XH used kik to talk to his exgfs. You're right to be upset. Nothing about this is good. I'm sorry.

[nicbreeful]

Sept 10, 2016 20:31:37 GMT -5 suspiciousae said:

I just can't get over how stupid he's being. Wouldn't you try to hide your dick behavior?

Underreacting.

BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory.  I think he did it to get back at you (like he said).  I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it.  I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole.  I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.

From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found.  To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that.  And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.

Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat.  Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day.  But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.

[ciescalove]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[letsgetweird]

Sept 10, 2016 21:17:48 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Sept 10, 2016 20:31:37 GMT -5 suspiciousae said:

I just can't get over how stupid he's being. Wouldn't you try to hide your dick behavior?

Underreacting.

BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory.  I think he did it to get back at you (like he said).  I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it.  I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole.  I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.

From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found.  To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that.  And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.

Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat.  Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day.  But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.

I disagree with this.

[nicbreeful]

Sept 10, 2016 21:23:03 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Sept 10, 2016 21:17:48 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Underreacting.

BUT, I'm gonna throw out another theory.  I think he did it to get back at you (like he said).  I'm not entirely convinced he did it to cheat.. I think he did it knowing you would find it.  I think he did it to be manipulative and "put you in your place" and to just generally be an asshole.  I think he did it on purpose and that is a WHOLE other set of problems.

From what I know, men that are trying to cheat (and aren't completely brain dead) do not do actions that are easily found.  To me, it sounds like he wanted you to find all that.  And that makes me think he is either an expert manipulator and/or emotional abuser.

Don't, of course, discount the fact that he may in fact be trying to cheat.  Maybe he is that dumb to download easily seen apps and then let his wife use his phone the next day.  But.. I'd be really evaluating some things.

I disagree with this.

Well, I would argue that men that cheat and want to be found out (and aren't dumb or Anthony Weiner) do do actions that are easily found.  But cheaters that actually want to get away with the shady shit they do, I think they try to hide their actions. 

[suspiciousae]

I would be seriously shocked if he physically cheated. He works a lot and rarely goes out.

He had said he is not blaming me and there is no one to blame but him. He completely accepts that I'm suspicious and is freaking out about me leaving with the kids. He knows he's fucked up.

[carrotsmakemefat]

Sept 10, 2016 21:08:26 GMT -5 followyourarrow said:

I've used kik some and it's super easy to delete messages and it leaves no record of there ever being a message. What confuses me about his story is that you can't really search for someone on kik, you need their user name, which you'd get off a dating site, etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're over reacting at all.

A sneaky way to see who he has been texting - type in a letter and anyone who he recently has messaged will show as an option for a new message. You don't necessarily need a full SN. Also, people on dating sites and similar apps use kik to start communication without having to give out their actual cell #

And another PP mentioned using kik for talking to folks overseas - that's why I have it too, but I know that's not why a lot of people use it - especially with that kind of SN. We're not all a special brand of stupid. He is

[Saint Monica]

Shadier than fuck