Mom moves out (long)

[niq]

PDQ, especially the numbers

After just under 2 years on various housing authority waitlists, Mom is finally in her own place in an all senior-citizen building. Everyone is immensely happy about it, even if she still has a lot of boxes to unpack and I'll be doing random fixer-upper things around the apartment over the next month or two. The building is in decent shape. She's across from a park, walking distance from several cheap & yummy places to eat, a grocery store, the gym where we have a family membership, and the library. The location is really great -- in addition to walkability, she's 10-15 minutes away from us by car. It's an "intimate distance" instead of "up in your business".

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We've been done spending money directly on mom since she moved in with us in 2014, but now that she has to pay rent and utilities, we have to put together a budget for her. This is what things look like right now:

$964 Social Security Retirement
$10 her share of our cell phone family plan

$332 rent
$124 Medicare Part B
$40 (?) other Rx*
$35 (?) Electricity
$10 Internet
$10 cell phone

$535 everything else (food, transportation, clothes, hoarding thrift shopping, etc.).

* In the event of a serious hospitalization, various programs run by the drug companies would reduce her Rx costs to close to zero for the rest of the year. Because she has a decent chunk of assets, she doesn't qualify for a lot of other Rx assistance.

Based on her expenses in Atlanta from 2012-2014*, that should be enough that she manages okay. Other than TV/radio, her main forms of entertainment are singing at jazz lounges and shopping for junk at estate auctions. They don't cost a lot of money. Still, it's cutting things close. It would be nice to get her disposable income up to about $800/month. Unfortunately she's close to a step function in the housing authority's rent formula, so she would need about $400-500/month more to get to $800/month in disposable income. Though, it's possible that if she had more income, it would all go into more hoarding thrift shopping ...

She also has about $100-120K in savings from selling her condo. We're trying to figure out what the best place that balances her current income/quality of life against the need to have savings for a few years of independent/assisted living.

Our total mom-related expenses, roughly:

$42,000 all expenses over 22 months while she lived in Atlanta on her own.
$19,000 back taxes and "redemption fee" on her condo.
$6,000 difference between insurance reimbursement and actual costs for our kitchen floor replacement
$4,000 $150/month increase in grocery spending

$71K total

Throw in other things (car repairs, etc.) and let's call it $75K. Over 4.25 years, that's about $17650/year, or just under $1475/month. Slightly less than in-state tuition & fees at a flagship state university, about the cost of full time preschool-age daycare.

The folks who work at the housing authority have been very nice and very responsive, other than the surprise of finding out there's a building-specific waitlist.

The health care bureaucracies are another story. The state level ACA/Obamacare customer support line has decent service. Medicaid doesn't have great service, but at least it does what it says on the box, and the clinics all have administrators who are good at helping you find a specialist or diagnostic who will take Medicaid when it's needed. But when things go sideways, having to deal with two agencies turns into a shit show. Now that mom is on Medicare (she's actually on Medicare Advantage, which I feel a little bad using) things are a lot simpler.

Things that have been hard:
The money spent is enough to wince, certainly. I know it's been hard on msniq to have mom underfoot for many, many reasons. It's not my idea of a good time either, but she's my mother so there are probably a ton of small things that I don't see/don't bother me. Mom also just doesn't want to do any adulting. Part of this because a lot of the adulting that needs to be done is related to public assistance, and facing the fact that you're poor is really depressing. But it's really aggravating when she literally doesn't open her mail from the health care authority. Or she opens it and then doesn't realize that there's action required. Or she doesn't get her paperwork to her disability claim attorney until the day before her hearing. Those things are frustrating but they're at least short-lived.

The really hard part is watching her get older and sicker very, very slowly. When she moved in she was 63, but she's diabetic and has a bunch of other health problems. It's basically impossible to plan any activity with beyond eating a meal or going to a park, where she can sit down most or all of the time, but also get up and move if she needs to, and the exact start & end times aren't crucial. During cold and flu season (which is half the year here) she is completely out of commission at least half the time. She's 65 now, and the life expectancy of a diabetic woman is about 75. I know I'm not the only person in the world with aging parents, but it's so hard envision her health just getting slowly worse for another 10 years. I get very sad -- both for my kids and my mother -- that my kids will not get to experience life when she had much mobility. Now that babyniq is old enough to "help" in the kitchen, I'm going to take him to her apartment every other week (health permitting) to bake cookies or 

Things that have been nice:
Mom is really good with young kids. It was nice to have her around when for the end of my paternity leave. I'm hopeful she enjoys her time with babyniq#2. Toddler years are hard -- she is perpetually terrified that he's going to fall out of his chair or run into the street and get hit by a car -- but now that babyniq#1 understands more things and is less clumsy it's a lot better. It's also nice to have mom in the same city. Same house got to be a little too much at times. But same city should be nice.

I wish I had some nice Jerry Springer-style "final thought", but beyond "keep track of your parents finances! Don't take 'no' or 'I'll be fine' for an answer!" I don't really have much.

* Just a reminder, the main reason mom moved to WA is that Georgia did not take the ACA Medicaid expansion after Chief Justice Roberts re-wrote the Medicaid portion of the ACA. This left mom "too poor" to get subsidized insurance on an exchange but "not poor enough" to qualify for traditional Medicaid in her state. This is a really awful situation, and I haven no idea how Republican governors and/or state legislators** in the orange states on the map below sleep at night. It's free money, why are you turning this down.

** ETA to be clear #notallrepublicans! Nevada, North Dakota, New Mexico, Arkansas, Indiana, Michigan, and Iowa, New Jersey are all either purely red states (at the governor and state legislature level) or have Republican governors who accepted the expansion. But it is definitely true that in all of the orange states, the people who don't want to provide health care to poor people (or who want to but fear the political consequences) are Republicans.

[niq]

You read all that? Here is a nice family picture as your reward. It may be a repeat, we won't get the new ones for a few more weeks


UW_Photo_Day_01 by niq, on Flickr

[Pom]

OMG, you guys are all so cute. I am so happy for you all that this situation has somewhat of a happy resolution. Aging parent issues suck hairydonkeyballs and beyond that, watching your parents age blows even worse. Add financial difficulties on top and it's a recipe for complete and utter misery all the way around.

I commend you guys for stepping up and doing an amazing job getting things in order for your mom and the way you've helped her monetarily. That's a huge contribution. (I confess to chuckling about the hoarding, but I know that must be a really difficult issue.)

As someone on the cusp of more parent drama that is completely breaking my heart, I am glad we've come together here to talk about this stuff. Having a place to share and learn about resources, ask questions, discuss experiences and simply VENT is so needed because the stress of parent care is killer. We are never prepared for the emotional and for some, the financial land mines. All my love to your family as you enjoy what I hope will be a calm next phase of life and my hope that your mom remains happy and healthy too.

[Deleted]

I'm really glad she got her own place finally. Enjoy being a family of three for a few months!

[turkletsmom]

Does she belong to a Medicare Advantage Plan (Part C)? Some are no additional cost beyond your Part B premium and include cheaper prescriptions, copays and sometimes things like dental and a gym membership, etc. Open enrollment for these plans start in Oct and might be worth looking into if she doesn't have one already and might save her a few bucks.

I sound like a commercial-- LOL! Great pic!

[niq]

Sept 12, 2016 17:31:40 GMT -5 turkletsmom said:

Does she belong to a Medicare Advantage Plan (Part C)? Some are no additional cost beyond your Part B premium and include cheaper prescriptions, copays and sometimes things like dental and a gym membership, etc. Open enrollment for these plans start in Oct and might be worth looking into if she doesn't have one already and might save her a few bucks.

I sound like a commercial-- LOL! Great pic!

We did look at it, and enrolled her in a part C plan. It's the same cost as part B plus the default part D plan (which is free at her income), but the Rx formula makes sense, instead of the stupid part D donut hole, plus it seemed simpler from a customer service perspective to have one vendor.

In the OP I mentioned feeling bad because Medicare Advantage costs the taxpayer more, but it looks like that's not true anymore?

[turkletsmom]

Sept 12, 2016 17:51:26 GMT -5 niq said:

Sept 12, 2016 17:31:40 GMT -5 turkletsmom said:

Does she belong to a Medicare Advantage Plan (Part C)? Some are no additional cost beyond your Part B premium and include cheaper prescriptions, copays and sometimes things like dental and a gym membership, etc. Open enrollment for these plans start in Oct and might be worth looking into if she doesn't have one already and might save her a few bucks.

I sound like a commercial-- LOL! Great pic!

We did look at it, and enrolled her in a part C plan. It's the same cost as part B plus the default part D plan (which is free at her income), but the Rx formula makes sense, instead of the stupid part D donut hole, plus it seemed simpler from a customer service perspective to have one vendor.

In the OP I mentioned feeling bad because Medicare Advantage costs the taxpayer more, but it looks like that's not true anymore?

Oh yeah- I forgot about the damn donut hole.  That's probably the worst thing about the plans.  I work for a Part C plan that only operates  in my state (La), but I'm in HR/payroll so my knowledge is limited to required annual trainings and company wide emails LOL.  I'm assuming it's state specific, but the Part C cost can be free for members that live in the populated areas with higher utilization of doctors/hospitals, etc (they just pay the Part B premium).  The more rural areas do have an additional premium they have to pay on top of Part B unless they are dual eligible for Medicare and Medicaid.

And that's literally all I know on the subject- haha.

[curbsideprophet]

Glad she had her own place now. Great picture!

[mbcdefg]

Glad you all have your own space!

Cute pic

[lurknomore]

Thanks niq. This is amazing to see. You guys have done great with momma niq on both should be proud. We've long known mama lurk will end up in a similar situation and long agreed our marriage would not survive her moving in with us (we barely survived her 2.5 week visit this summer!). We've longed planned on prob buying her a place closer to us and having her "rent" it from us at a loss. She's now saying Cleveland isn't in the cards for her so idk what we will do. I'll prob be tapping you for help when the time comes. Congrats on having your house back and nice work!

[7costanza]

Glad she's out of your house and doing well! Where did you get the info on life expectancy for people with diabetes? My dad has type 2, and a host of other health issues, and this isn't something I had not considered. Just curious.

[simpsongal]

You're an amazing son. I really need to have some CTJ talks with my folks again.

Ugh, so embarrassing to see Virginia Orange on that map. I need to write congressmen.

[sfy]

I did read it all. I found it fascinating. You are a really good son, niq, and msniq is an AMAZING wife and DIL. I'm happy for all of you, your mom most of all. What a lovely family!

[compassrose]

Congrats on getting mama niq her own place! Victory for everyone involved (especially since it sounds like your marriage is still intact)!

Thanks for the $$ breakdown. We are lucky that all of our parents are doing ok financially for retirement, but my aunt/godmother is not, and we may end up supporting her at some point.

[thejackpot]

Such a great situation to have her nearby after all that you and your wife have done for her. You guys are to be commended. You have done an admirable job. Enjoy the time with just the core.

[tillie]

Thanks for your post. Your picture is awesome.

As I've mentioned, my MIL is in an in-law apt we (DH) built for her. We also support her 100%, bought her a car, etc.

It can be trying at times and wonderful at others. I adore my MIL and would actually be sad if she moved out. Though if she gets upset at us she always yells "I'm moving to senior housing!" We always get a chuckle out of that knowing of all the red tape you posted about.

Also, as an FYI, Medicare Advantage plans use $ out of senior's SS check that would otherwise go to Medicare. In MA, it depends on which county you live in as some have to pay a premium and others do not.

[raangoli]

You're a great son and you have a beautiful family. It certainly sucks big time to have aging parents. Mine lived with us for a month last year when my mom got sick and it was HARD.

I'm glad momma niq has her own space but she's still close enough to get to her quickly or to see the babies niq grow and be a part of their lives.

[Deleted]

I actually teared up reading this! The niq s survived! B st wishes to your mama as she settles in to the new place. And to you guys as you recalibrate your life to a family of 4.

[bostonmichelle]

You are a great son and msniq is a great DIL. I'm so glad you were able to help your mom the way you did. I hope she has a great time in her new apartment. I have many memories as a kid going over to my nana's house and playing board games and baking and cooking while my dad would fix things on the weekends so I bet babyniqs will enjoy it as well.

[sugarbear]

Your mother was absolutely lovely when I brought my boys over to play. I'm so glad things have worked out, and that you get your space back. You are a good son!

[shevacc]

So glad you and mrsniq survived and your mom now has her own place! You've done so much for her, not just financially. Babyniq#1 is so big now!

DH has had several CTJ talks with his parents over the last few years, but so far they're mostly still ignoring him. I hope we'll eventually be able to get through to them before a crisis situation, but I think the odds aren't that good at this point.

[scm1011]

Adorable family!

You are an incredible son and msniq is an amazingly understanding DIL. I'm entering a very similar time with my mother (also diabetic, with a spending problem, reliant on a small social security income, and trying to get her into senior housing), and its been enlightening to follow your journey. I hope this is great new start for everyone.

[WOT?*]

You have an adorable family. I wish we were all able to come to/play at the game. We need to have a park GTG with kids at some point, with some of the others that I'd love to see/meet and their kids (sugarbear mominatrix spunbutterfly kooshball and others). Summer picnic next summer since school is in session? Or very soon while the weather is still good? I'm willing to drive to where everyone else is. And I can bring others with me that are from the north end if we can fit them all in my truck, or we can caravan. (@lauralynne picksthemusic ).

You did a great job with MommaNiq and you are lucky to have someone like MsNiq to back you. But then, I'm sure she'd say she's lucky to have you, too. Job well done.

[mrsd2006]

Your mom is very lucky to have such a wonderful son and DIL.

[niq]

Sept 12, 2016 19:51:18 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

You're an amazing son. I really need to have some CTJ talks with my folks again.

Ugh, so embarrassing to see Virginia Orange on that map. I need to write congressmen.

In Virginia's case, it's the state representatives/state senators. And it means the 2017 gov election is important too.

[genet313]

Congratulations to all in the niq family!   What a relief this must feel like...not only for you and ms. niq, but I bet for your mom too.  It can't have been easy on her, either. I'm so glad this worked out for you.  

[sugarbear]

Sept 13, 2016 8:05:59 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

You have an adorable family. I wish we were all able to come to/play at the game. We need to have a park GTG with kids at some point, with some of the others that I'd love to see/meet and their kids (sugarbear mominatrix @spunbutterfly kooshball and others). Summer picnic next summer since school is in session? Or very soon while the weather is still good? I'm willing to drive to where everyone else is. And I can bring others with me that are from the north end if we can fit them all in my truck, or we can caravan. (@lauralynne picksthemusic).

You did a great job with MommaNiq and you are lucky to have someone like MsNiq to back you. But then, I'm sure she'd say she's lucky to have you, too. Job well done.

I would love this!!