Kids/sports situation- WWYD?

[claralou]

We just finished C's second week of soccer. At a glance, all 7-8 kids on her team look to be roughly the same age (4/5). Last week I had to leave early for a PTA meeting and H was wrangling T on the sidelines, so C was pretty much on her own. They did lots of group drills where each kid had a ball and she loved it. Same format this week for the first half; second half coach did a scrimmage and split them into two teams.

One girl on C's team kept taking balls out of the other girls' hands during drills. (There are plenty to go around). When she did it to C, she came running to us whining. We told her to go back and use her words. When she did it again, C told her "that's the ball I'm using. There's one for you over there". Girl knocked it out of her hands and took it anyway. C came to us crying and we told her go back out and tell her coach. She did. Coach reminded everyone that there were plenty of balls and changed to scrimmage.

During scrimmage, this girl immediately took control of the ball. (FWIW, she's really good- clearly light years ahead of the all other kids in terms of skills, but she's the same physical size.) But. Within minutes she'd knocked down three kids (intentionally), sending two running off the field crying. She kicked another girl in the shins (glad we bought shin guards this time) and when C came up running next to her, she elbowed her hard and knocked her down.

So. I feel like I can handle the rough/bullying behavior. As this behavior goes, it's pretty straightforward. And I want C to learn to stand up for herself, and this is an excellent opportunity for that- I mean, we're RIGHT THERE. And she tried- I was proud of her. By the time she knocked C down again, I went right up to the girl's dad and asked if he was going to handle this, or if I was. He glared at me, but went up to his kid and it stopped, briefly. The coach was also very aware- but she was herding cats at that point.

For the last 15 min of practice, no one else touched the ball. The kid scored goal after goal while her asshole dad cheered her on loudly. Most of the other girls - including C- pretty much just stood there- either scared to go near her, or figuring there was no point. Some clearly made an effort to run back and forth, but they gave this kid a wide berth. I talked to the coach afterward, and she was clearly uncomfortable but didn't know how to handle it either. (She's super young- maybe 18?)

Now C doesn't want to go back. I don't blame her. She's going back- we'll talk it up all week- but I'm not sure how to proceed with coach/asshole dad/other parents. WWYD? MOOKs?

[Deleted]

Is there an organizer you could talk to? Maybe they would feel more comfortable addressing it with the parent, they don't want kids getting pushed around. I would hope the coach would have discussed it with an organizer at this point but maybe they haven't. The coach should really be addressing it as it happens or asking the girl to sit out for a few minutes if she can't share/play nicely.

[jsillyfun]

I would talk to the coach. I agree the coach needs to tell kids if they hit/kick etc they get benched for 5 min (or whatever) and then stick to it. I wouldn't make your daughter stand up to her. It's a problem for the coach and if she won't handle it I would go above her head to the organizer.

[monkeybabe]

Yeah, I agree that she needs to be benched, which sounds absurd for 4/5 year olds, but her parent clearly gives zero fucks about how she treats other kids. If she doesn't learn how to interact properly, she's going to be this girl, in the making:



ETA: I'm assuming there's a director, and an 18 year old isn't top of the food chain. I'd go up the chain.

[carawestt]

I would talk to the couch again. She is aware of the situation and I think if you brought it up to her that C didn't even want to go back because of the girl, she will do something. If that doesn't work, go to whoever is higher up?

It really bugs me when parents don't do anything about their kids behavior. But I bet he would have spoke up immediately if the tables were turned.

[shevacc]

Our rec leagues are run by high schoolers here so 16-18 usually. I would go to the organization since it sounds like dealing with the dad is outside the coach's ability, certainly her comfort zone. Maybe his little all-star could play up with older kids and get more challenge (and more returned aggression)?

[nannerl]

I have no advice, but I like shevacc 's suggestion.

[creamsiclechica]

I think I'd send out a lighthearted but firm email to the organization explaining that you're not looking to ruffle feathers, but that these are the channels you've tried (redirect your child, parent, coach), without much traction. I'd also be sure to reiterate that C has really enjoyed being a part of the team and that you're simply looking for that to continue, for all participants.

As usual, I really, really admire your methods. I mean seriously. I'm glad you're teaching her to stand up herself, it's amazing and something I often overlook.

[claralou]

Just sent an email to the organization leader- this is good advice, thank you.

I wanted C to stand up for herself in this situation because we were there to help her. Because someday we won't be when she's faced with this crap. She told the kid to stop, and when the behavior continued, she told an adult (her coach). We talked after the game and before bed about how proud we were of how well she handled the situation- including avoiding the kid entirely.

I wanted to punch that dad squarely in the face. And I feel badly for his kid that that's how she gets his approval. Asshole.

[mcburglar]

Oy. I feel so bad for the coach. I mean, I feel bad for the kids obviously I can just imagine the coach feeling shitty about the situation but probably scared of asshole dad.

Emailing the organization makes sense. I might also ask the coach what steps she thinks should happen. Or if other parents have complained.

[onehitwonder]

I think you handled the situation perfectly, I'm curious how the organization will respond. It certainly sounds like someone needs to teach the other girl about good sportsmanship since her father obviously isn't.

[bebeetmoi]

Ugh this whole situation is crappy! I think you handled it WONDERFULLY.

[breezy8407]

I think you handled this way better than I would have.

We are only on week 3 of soccer, and we've encountered some kids like this. Not quite as extreme, but I was in shock that these kids were already taunting! Lessons for me and the kids. And I have a bad feeling this is only the beginning of experiencing asshole parents in kids sports.

[CrazyLucky]

DH and I coach this age. We are SO LUCKY that all of our parents have been great. We wouldn't be able to ask for better. In this case, the coach should clearly state expectations before the scrimmage or practice starts. No pushing, no snatching the ball out of someone's hands, elbows to yourself, etc. The first violation gets a warning and the second gets a 5 minute break. Is there an assistant coach? If not, can you or DH volunteer for that? I think some people think it's no big deal if there are only 7-8 kids, but it's hard to keep their attention and teach them at the same time. Having an assistant coach is a life saver.
It might be too late now, but the coach can also force parents to sign some agreement to be good sports and advance the idea of being a good sport with their kid. When we sign our kids up, we have to sign such an agreement. It might not mean much, but you might be able to use it when having a discussion with jerk dad.
That dad is clearly an asshole. It doesn't matter how competitive you are. At that age, you teach your children good sportsmanship. That's a lot more important than scoring goals in what I assume is a league that doesn't even keep score.
I hope it works out. I hate to see a kid turned off from sports because of a bad experience.

[Faevantastic]

Sounds like the coach is too young to handle it. You did good by contacting the organizer. I hope they will do something about it.

[puppylove64]

Sept 15, 2016 5:18:49 GMT -5 mcburglar said:

Oy. I feel so bad for the coach. I mean, I feel bad for the kids obviously I can just imagine the coach feeling shitty about the situation but probably scared of asshole dad.

Emailing the organization makes sense. I might also ask the coach what steps she thinks should happen. Or if other parents have complained.

As a coach, yes the coach is in an awkward situation and probably doesn't know the best way to handle it. I had a kid like that. He wasn't a jerk, just really good for his age and jerk parents (and grandparents). Talk to the coach again to address your concerns.... but I'm sure she feels the same and overwhelmed and not sure what to do. Teach your own child that a little aggression is acceptable in contact sports. If someone is pushing you and the coaches/ref don't care you hold strong. Don't push back or break rules, but do not cry or get pushed over. Once games started, all the parents knew which parent was a jerk and occasionally they might say something to him. But me (coach) and all parents collectively encouraged the kid to play nicely and encouraged him in the appropriate ways. His parent and gparents would jump down his throat for little errors