Monogamy and other thoughts...

[liubotflittyfud]

This whole work dude thing has me thinking. What is your stance on fate or predetermined paths? Do you believe we all have a purpose in life or are we just blindly advancing through?

Also, do you think it's possible for a person to not be meant for monogomy?

I'm almost in a belief that we choose our paths before we come. But if that is the case, how damn ridiculous are some of us? We pick some bad shit to deal with all at the same time. And if we're just blindly learning, is everything a chance encounter?

Also I have cheated and hurt people I've been with. I feel guilty. I never maliciously want to hurt anyone because I genuinely care for people. It is my kryptonite. I care and will do anything for anyone who ever touched my life. Even if they treat me like crap, if I cared for them at one point in my life, I am forever indebted to them in some way, shape, or form. For example xBF, who beat me up and dragged me up the steps, if he needed something, I would try my hardest to do it, within reason. Same for my ex from years back who crushed my emotional wellbeing to the point of when I broke up with him, I called into work that my grandmother died so I could take berevement. I stayed in bed for days.

I can't hold grudges. It's not in my nature. I'm a very emotion driven person. I just wonder if I float from relationship to relationship, cheating and being with multiple men because I'm not meant to be in one place for too long? My marriage failed. I move through relationships relatively quickly.

I dunno. I have just been really divulging into my head. Wondering your thoughts?

[gozf]

I don't believe in destiny, nor do I believe that anything is meant to happen. I think we're shaped by equal parts nature and nurture, and that it's all pretty much a crapshoot, that we're all fumbling towards something.

As far as monogamy goes, I think it's probably not inherently human nature, but we've been societally conditioned to value it. For me, it's not easy. It's a choice I make everyday. But I prefer my relationships to be monogamous, because I find that the benefits far outweigh the non benefits. It's not for everyone, and that's ok.

I'm on my phone and can't scroll up, but you talked about grudge holding, too. Yeah, I'm lousy at that. I'm kind of a sucker and will eventually let most things go. But, truly, if someone wronged me the way you were wronged, I couldn't allow that person back in my life. I just couldn't.

[redredwine]

Sept 7, 2012 23:32:41 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

This whole work dude thing has me thinking. What is your stance on fate or predetermined paths? Do you believe we all have a purpose in life or are we just blindly advancing through?

Also, do you think it's possible for a person to not be meant for monogomy?

I'm almost in a belief that we choose our paths before we come. But if that is the case, how damn ridiculous are some of us? We pick some bad shit to deal with all at the same time. And if we're just blindly learning, is everything a chance encounter?

Also I have cheated and hurt people I've been with. I feel guilty. I never maliciously want to hurt anyone because I genuinely care for people. It is my kryptonite. I care and will do anything for anyone who ever touched my life. Even if they treat me like crap, if I cared for them at one point in my life, I am forever indebted to them in some way, shape, or form. For example xBF, who beat me up and dragged me up the steps, if he needed something, I would try my hardest to do it, within reason. Same for my ex from years back who crushed my emotional wellbeing to the point of when I broke up with him, I called into work that my grandmother died so I could take berevement. I stayed in bed for days.

I can't hold grudges. It's not in my nature. I'm a very emotion driven person. I just wonder if I float from relationship to relationship, cheating and being with multiple men because I'm not meant to be in one place for too long? My marriage failed. I move through relationships relatively quickly.

I dunno. I have just been really divulging into my head. Wondering your thoughts?

To answer your questions simply, because I don't have patience to expand upon them:

1. I belive there is a great power...so pre-determinded things are a possibilty.

I don't believe people who said they "aren't cut out for monogramy" are lying to themselves about something. I don't know what, but I think that's an easy way out. While I don't totally judge those who are in polyamorous relationships, I think that answers your question if you're not "meant to be in one place for too long". I think there are underlying factors.

[gozf]

And Liubot, I'm glad you're thinking about this stuff and really getting to know yourself. Maybe these are the types of things you could go into with your therapist? Also, explore the why. Understanding the why will unlock a lot, I think.

[liubotflittyfud]

Sept 8, 2012 1:49:57 GMT -5 dynamoo said:

Glad you're thinking about this stuff. But, who is work dude?

He's been in my Flame worthy confessions the past few days...

[blackkitty]

I believe that we all have a purpose. I also believe that we don't get to pick what that purpose is and we won't necessarily know what that purpose is in this lifetime. Struggling against our purpose and trying to impose our own will often gets us in trouble and leads to suffering. It's like a river, you can try to swim upstream or you can relax on a raft and enjoy the ride. That doesn't mean you don't have to work toward anything, it just means to work toward the right things. Like taking care of your "raft" rather than expending so much effort toward swimming against the current.

Putting this topic in a post about monogamy seems like two completely different topics to me, but I will say that based on what you post Liubot I don't think your "issue" has anything to do with monogamy. You don't seem to love and accept yourself. You appear to seek validation outside of yourself. If you loved yourself I don't think monogamy would be an issue for you.

Also, I think forgiving people is important. I wouldn't call it a character flaw that you forgive people and want to help them. As long as you don't get attached to the results. You can "Try" to help someone but whether they accept that help is "on them"

[explorer2001]

Please talk to your therapist about this. There are good insights and learning opportunities here.

I don't necessarily believe everyone is cut out for monogamy, however it seems like there are more underlying issues in your case. It does appear to be preference or consciously made choice. It seems like you think it happens to you. Same thing goes for the not holding grudges and being willing to still go out of your way to help someone who beat you that badly.

I know for me I had to learn my own value and build self esteem before I could decide that by refusing to allow others to.hurt me or refusing to help and play.nice with people who hurt me, didn't make me a bad person. That they had to earn/deserve the help/risk I was.taking.

Also we work with DV survivors on realizing they are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beleifs. That also means the reverse is true. Others are responsible for their own issues, not you.

You are also welcome to decide I'm talking out my ass and this doesn't apply to you.

[jojoandleo]

I don't believe in predetermination. We have free will and we act on it. Sure, there are things that happen to us that are out of our control, but how we react to them is up to us. People make good choices and people make bad choices and we have to accept the consequences of our own actions.

I think there are people out there who are not meant to be monogamous. Maybe you are one of them, BUT like PP said, I don't think you can know that right now. You are STILL seeking validation from men rather from within. You don't love yourself enough to make the choice to be monogamous because you crave attention and men being attracted to you gives you much needed self esteem.

I'm not judging you, I have been this person. If I felt like crap, I went out to a bar and flirted with men. It made me feel good. Hell, it still makes me feel good when men hit on me, and it always will, BUT I no longer have the urge to seek it. When a guy hits on me, rather than flirting back, I am able to say I am with someone. If I hadn't gone to therapy and learned how to love myself and be enough for myself, I probably would not be able to be a good girlfriend/wife because I would still flirt back with those men in the bars. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to J.

I really hope you bring this up in therapy. I am going to reiterate (for the 3rd time, i think), that you should break it off with J until you are in a good enough place to not need his affection (and any other guy's who will give it), but to just want it. If he is a good guy like you claim, he will understand.

[Deleted]

Very interesting topic.

I do not think people are inherently monogamous, i think in our society it is something that has been developed for many reasons. I think as humans we are intelligent enough to train ourselves to think that we are or should be. and i think that we make the choice within ourselves at certain times in our lives.
we all make choices, and we can blame those choices on a lot of reasons. it is a lot easier to say some people cant do certain things than expect themselves to do so.
it is easier for you at this point to think hey, maybe i just cant do this....instead of hey why do i keep making choices that keep hurting me...see what i mean? i think in your case it is easier for you to accept the choices you keep making by simply saying well that is just how i was made.

[bullygirl979]

I believe that some things happen for a reason but bottom line, we still have choices. Someone or something may present itself in front of you (with purpose behind it) but it is still up to you to choose Path A or Path B.

The people who make the same mistake over and over again aren't doing it because of destiny, they are doing it because they haven't learned the lesson yet and therefore continue to make poor choices. Your choices are your doing and people need to take ownership of it.

Do I think people are inherently monogamous? No, but I think people who choose not to be aren't doing it because it is impossible. I can honestly say I have never cheated on anyone. Have I been tempted? Sure. But I chose to walk away and not do it. I think people who aren't monogamous have deeper issues that affect their relationships. i.e. low self esteem, need for validation, narcissitic personality, etc. I think if these issues are addressed then they wouldn't feel the need to cheat or flit from one relationship to another.

LFF, you need to be single. For real.