NCEPR - Emergency plans for when you're alone...a WWYD.

[WOT?*]

For those of you who don't live near family or friends, wwyd in the future? This is to help me, my daughter, her family and her husband's family make future plans.

My son-in-law is in the military. US Navy attached to an aircraft carrier. They just moved from Japan (where they lived on-base because that's the only option) where they had a very active squadron and base community so it was easy to get to know people, to Virginia a few months ago. They have two kids, ages 10 and 2. They do not live near a/the base, but a ways out. Since they've been there, she spent the last six weeks with me, a week with her in-laws up in DC, etc. The neighbors she knew moved, and she now has new neighbors she has kind of met (she instigated) but both of whom work. The only other stay-at-home she knew just moved. Most of her neighborhood is two-income households. Her closest friend lives at least 45 minutes away. I live across the country, as does her husband's family (WA and CO).

This morning my phone was ringing off the hook. It was her calling. She was having a medical emergency. Because of the above (mostly because of the 2 year old) she didn't know what she should do. Her heart was racing, her blood sugar was high (she is not diabetic but monitors because she was pre-diabetic at pregnancy and I am diabetic), she was dizzy and having trouble breathing, walking, standing. She also suffers from anxiety. She was definitely in a condition that an ambulance should have been called. She wasn't sure about calling one because what if she couldn't take the kids with her to the hospital? (Her son was supposed to be in school but she couldn't get him there; there is no bus option and she wasn't in shape to drive. And the 2 year old is 2.) If she was in Japan this could have been easily remedied because she was an active part of an active community.

Her husband was set to depart for an extended period this morning. After she got off the phone with me, she was able to call him and he was pulled from the plane to go home and take care of things. If he was on the boat or elsewhere, she could have been in a serious situation. If this happens again ("becomes a pattern"), this could put his career in jeopardy as well. When I called back, the paramedics were there (I was on the line to call the police department for a well-check since I wasn't sure how she would take paramedics showing up with no warning; she had hung up on me to call her husband) and her husband was on his way back from the base or airport or wherever to handle things at home.

It was scary as hell. In the event that this happens again, what should they and we do? I'm talking with his mom about setting up some sort of phone tree and emergency plan. What sort of contingencies should we plan for, especially if he's not available to respond?

I'm also XP on military for suggestions.


(ETA: She is now at the ER. A paramedic stayed with the kids until her husband could make it home. Her husband got the kids and is now at the hospital with her. He is a keeper.)

[emoflamingo]

For a medical emergency, I would think the paramedics could get in touch with police to assist with the kids. I understand trying to prepare for what-ifs because I have anxiety too, so I think that ramped up her situation today.

[mrsukyankee]

Yeah, the police would be called to help out.

[WOT?*]

Sept 26, 2016 11:18:13 GMT -5 emoflamingo said:

For a medical emergency, I would think the paramedics could get in touch with police to assist with the kids. I understand trying to prepare for what-ifs because I have anxiety too, so I think that ramped up her situation today.

I certainly think that played into it. I was working to keep her calm and breathing to see if it would help alleviate any related symptoms. Glad to hear from someone that experiences it. She didn't show signs until she was an adult (during her pregnancy with her daughter) so I never had to worry about it. I get stressed and anxious sometimes, but don't suffer from anxiety in the manner or to the extent that she does, and I/we don't know what triggers it. The first time was simply shopping in the mall - which is one of our favorite past-times. Do you have thoughts on how I could handle things the next time, to keep her calm and maybe help her step back if it's part of the issue? Because I think that should definitely be considered if it's a possibility.

ETA: Paras and police were on the scene when I got back through to her. One stayed with the kids while her husband drove home.

[ijack]

How scary for her, I hope she's ok!
Can she find a SAHP community in the area and hopefully make some friends? Or I would think the base would have some kind of phone tree sort of thing. In a true emergency she needs to call 911 and assume that the police or EMT will help with the kids, she shouldn't wait if it's life threatening.

[emoflamingo]

Sept 26, 2016 11:27:42 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

Sept 26, 2016 11:18:13 GMT -5 emoflamingo said:

For a medical emergency, I would think the paramedics could get in touch with police to assist with the kids. I understand trying to prepare for what-ifs because I have anxiety too, so I think that ramped up her situation today.

I certainly think that played into it. I was working to keep her calm and breathing to see if it would help alleviate any related symptoms. Glad to hear from someone that experiences it. She didn't show signs until she was an adult (during her pregnancy with her daughter) so I never had to worry about it. I get stressed and anxious sometimes, but don't suffer from anxiety in the manner or to the extent that she does, and I/we don't know what triggers it. The first time was simply shopping in the mall - which is one of our favorite past-times. Do you have thoughts on how I could handle things the next time, to keep her calm and maybe help her step back if it's part of the issue? Because I think that should definitely be considered if it's a possibility.

ETA: Paras and police were on the scene when I got back through to her. One stayed with the kids while her husband drove home.

Honestly, with anxiety, absolutely nothing anyone can say will help me until I work it through myself. Ask her what you can do to help her through it, but if the answer is nothing, don't be surprised. If the medical thing happens again, you can now remind her that the police and the paramedics had the kiddos under control and that they will help with the kids if it's needed longer as well. I imagine that if she can find a mom group that has some SAHMs that she can kind of explain the situation to and ask if they would be okay if she had them as an emergency contact should something arise may help her anxiety for future situations as well.

[sacattack]

First of all, I hope she is OK!

Like others have said, the police can help in emergency's but longer term she needs to build her support network.

While she is not part of a base any longer, she can easily find many local communities - she just needs to put herself out there. I think with children it will be especially easy. Join a local playgroup with the 2 yo, have the 10 yo get involved with scouting, join a church or a woman's league. While these people will not live next door, I'm sure they would be available to help in emergency situations.

[amberlyrose]

The base should have some resources. Family support may have a phone tree or new buddy system they could help her with. There are going to be people in her area that have the same issues since she is near a base.

[jln]

I hope she's okay. It's so stressful to deal with medical issues while caring for small children.

There are lots of moms groups for every area on Meetup.com. have her join some local groups to build a network.

[Bernadine]

Sept 26, 2016 11:50:58 GMT -5 amberlyrose said:

The base should have some resources. Family support may have a phone tree or new buddy system they could help her with. There are going to be people in her area that have the same issues since she is near a base.

This is what I was thinking. Even if she's not close to the base, I would think there would be some type of family support services.

[penguingrrl]

That's so stressful! I hope she's okay! I would see if she can get to know moms at her 10 year old's school. Not having buses may actually make that easier since everyone is there at pick up. I end up meeting a lot of people that way. A house of worship is another way to meet people if she believes in organized religion. Or maybe she can find a toddler play group.

It's not easy, but doing things like that will get her in touch with people. And there are a few moms in my area whose kids I would take on a moments notice knowing their situations. She will find people.

[Michelle]

I have anxiety issues and I know it can be terrifying when you have an anxiety attack. If I were in her situation, I would do the following things:

1) Prepare a bag. In the bag would be clothes for the 2 year old and 10 year old that I would check monthly to make sure they fit. 2 changes of clothes each, minimum. Extra undies for both. I would include snacks with long expiration dates that are familiar to the kids, and I'd swap them out at least quarterly with what is in the pantry so they don't expire. Diapers and wipes or pull-ups and wipes for the 2 year old as applicable. If there is anything in particular about food preferences/allergies I would document that and have it in the bag. In fact I would probably create a little stapled manual of information that includes my kid's routines, feeding times, emergency contact information for family, allergies, dosings for medications, favorite bed time songs/stories, etc. - anything that is important for someone to know if they have to suddenly take care of your kids and you are incapacitated and your husband is not around. If it is possible to put a lovie or two in there and some crayons/coloring books age appropriate for both kids I would include that too. And a family photo.

2) Prepare a checklist and keep it on the fridge. It would include:
#1 Call (the equivalent of 911),
#2 Call (an emergency contact at the base or somewhere else as appropriate)
#3 Get the emergency bag from wherever it is stored
#4 Get Mommy's cell phone
#5 Get Mommy's cell phone charger
#6 Get a stuffed animal for each of you and a favorite blanket for the 2 year old (if not both).

If there are other disaster planning considerations I hadn't included I would add those, and I would consider this the equivalent of planning for a natural disaster except without all the batteries, flashlights and water.

3) Do emergency drills with the kids that include fire, flooding and something happening to mom. For flooding and something happening to mom, your 10 year should always know to get the checklist. For fire it is obviously get the hell out and meet at the rendezvous point - forget about a checklist. If she does drills about different scenarios, not just "mommy getting ill" then that scenario may not be so scary for the 10 year old.


Can you tell I have anxiety?

[awick14]

I hope your daughter is ok. Please tell her never to not call an ambulance if she needs one. The paramedics will always assist with the kids, even if they have to call the police to help. (I am a paramedic and we are not allowed to leave children under 12 alone, and we can not leave children under 12 home with anyone less then 16)

Can she look into resources through the base for future emergencies? (Not military so I have no idea how this would work)

[Aquatica]

H is Army so I'm not sure if the programs are similar across all branches. H's company has an FRG (family readiness group) that is there for families. If an emergency like this happens, the FRG leader will contact the 1SG and/or CO to get someone out there to take care of the kids or wait at the hospital with her. It's a great place to network with other spouses and build a support network. If there are any spouse groups/clubs, I would suggest she join as well.

Hope she is ok!!

[whatnext]

This question confuses me somewhat. If you need an ambulance you call one, if you don't you get a cab to the hospital. If you debate it too long what good are you to your kids when you pass out? As an insulin dependent diabetic who has lived alone and travelled solo I am really struggling with this. Call an ambulance or get in a cab, why is she making it so hard?

[CloudBee]

Oh my goodness this is so scary! She hasn't even had a chance to connect with new friends.

I think she needs to make it a priority to tap into a moms group or similar as soon as she's well again. Or the 10 year old. Is he getting signed up for swimming lessons or any sports teams? That would be another route for networking with moms and finding one who stays at home. Trading cell numbers is so important in her situation.

Really, being so isolated from family and friends I think she needs to be very honest as she's meeting moms / families. I imagine most would be willing to jump at being an emergency contact in situations such as today's.

If she weren't able to reach her husband this morning, the local PD would have arrived and probably brought in a social worker or someone from children's / human services. They would have stayed with the children in your home for a short period of time, or taken them to a conference room at the police station, to a vacant room at the hospital, etc., while waiting to hear how she was doing.

A friend of mine had an aortic dissection shortly after having her second child. (He was 10 days old.) Her husband accompanied her to the hospital in the ambulance, and the police / her husband briefly spoke to a newish neighbor, and they watched the children (infant and toddler) until family from out of town could get in. The police assisted with retrieving things like formula from the house before locking it up and departing.

Another route would be connecting with a local church, if they have plans to attend anyway.

[WOT?*]

Sept 26, 2016 16:17:14 GMT -5 whatnext said:

This question confuses me somewhat. If you need an ambulance you call one, if you don't you get a cab to the hospital. If you debate it too long what good are you to your kids when you pass out? As an insulin dependent diabetic who has lived alone and travelled solo I am really struggling with this. Call an ambulance or get in a cab, why is she making it so hard?

Just to be clear, she's not a diagnosed diabetic but she did check and her numbers were high (pre-diabetic with gestational diabetes. I am an insulin dependent diabetic. Her dad is going through some major heart issues right now as well so when her heart was racing she was scared.) (She checks blood, O2 and BP regularly because of family history and her anxiety.)
She was home alone, with her husband having left this morning for more than a month. Stressor #1.
New city, new neighbors (even newer than she is, since the old neighbors - whom she knew - moved while she was out of town visiting me. She came home last week to new neighbors for the second time in two months.) Stressor #2.
She was home alone, with her husband gone for an extended period, and two children at home. Our family has a history of CPS interventions (I adopted my two granddaughters that were removed from her sister's custody, and there are current interventions with them as well) so if she became inpatient she would worry about what happened with her kids while she was in the hospital and how they would react. Stressor #3.
She has anxiety. Complication #1, 2 and 3. 

All that, tied in with anxiety, makes it hard to just pick up a phone and call.
Normally, I would agree with you. This is not a normal situation.

michelle that's a great list to start with. Thanks.
(I already do the fire plans with the girls. I'll have her start there with her son. Especially since it's a new house. A "drop bag" or emergency bag is a fantastic idea. Fortunately, the 2 year old is an iPhone expert. She should train easily. lol.)

[whatnext]

Sept 26, 2016 16:27:56 GMT -5 tripleshot said:

Sept 26, 2016 16:17:14 GMT -5 whatnext said:

This question confuses me somewhat. If you need an ambulance you call one, if you don't you get a cab to the hospital. If you debate it too long what good are you to your kids when you pass out? As an insulin dependent diabetic who has lived alone and travelled solo I am really struggling with this. Call an ambulance or get in a cab, why is she making it so hard?

Did you read the part where OP says DIL has anxiety?  Way to be empathetic. 

I did. So do I. I still don't get it. It's not that hard and if this is the first time in her life she's had to consider this then she should count herself lucky

[smock]

Sept 26, 2016 17:14:11 GMT -5 whatnext said:

Sept 26, 2016 16:27:56 GMT -5 tripleshot said:

Did you read the part where OP says DIL has anxiety?  Way to be empathetic. 

I did. So do I. I still don't get it. It's not that hard and if this is the first time in her life she's had to consider this then she should count herself lucky

Damn, you're really being a dick here.

[momof2]

I think people have given you some great ideas. I also suggest really making an effort to get to know the neighbors. Inviting everyone over for a potluck was a really great thing that worked for us when we moved to a new neighborhood.

First example -- When my kid was first diagnosed with a brain tumor, my husband needed to go out of town to settle some business issues before her surgery. I literally walked over to a neighbor's house that I didn't know that well (but I knew she was a preschool teacher) and asked her to be my "middle of the night" call if I needed someone at the house in less than 5 minutes to keep my other kid. She was so nice about it (although I never needed to use her).

Second example - When we had to call an ambulance for one kid, I had 3 neighbors at my house within about 90 seconds of the ambulance arriving. I just walked out the door and left them with my other kid. I didn't worry about it one bit. They shuffled around taking care of my kid until we came home many hours later.

I really do think people want to help if you reach out to them.

[iamali]

Ditto have her getting in touch with the FRG. There should also be an OMBUDSMAN that she can contact who could potentially provide her assistance or help get her set up with someone. IME the "military family" really steps up to help their own, but of course they need to know there is an issue before they can help.

Hope everything turns out well for her!!

ETA - I sort of feel dumb for pointing this out, but she should ensure her 10 y.o. knows how to dial 911 and knows their street address in the event of an emergency. Even if she has to tape it to the fridge or put is somewhere obvious.

[ringstrue]

I didn't read the replies so sorry if this is redundant. I think she should look to social media, namely Facebook, and see if there are any neighborhood groups. I've been surprised about how many community groups there are near me that I just never knew about. There could be more SAHMs just a street away from her or so, that she's not going to know about otherwise. I would say in general she just has to make a hobby out of building her network.

Having said that, she needs to call 911. I don't know what else to say. Once you're on the phone with first responders they can assess if They need to come over or just walk you through the appropriate solution over the phone.

[Michelle]

Sept 26, 2016 17:14:11 GMT -5 whatnext said:

Sept 26, 2016 16:27:56 GMT -5 tripleshot said:

Did you read the part where OP says DIL has anxiety?  Way to be empathetic. 

I did. So do I. I still don't get it. It's not that hard and if this is the first time in her life she's had to consider this then she should count herself lucky

Do you have children?

If someone's anxiety is not being managed and they feel ill which also brings on a panic attack, wondering where their kids might get sent off to while you are in the hospital is a huge stressor.

Of course she wants to call the ambulance if she needs one. DUH. But when you have no local emergency contact, what do you do for your kids? I thought WOT?* was looking for tips for that.

For me, having something that I can read when my mind is swirling helps. Having something I can rely on my 9 year old to help with so I know the 9 year old will not be shipped off with the 2 year old to some place where they only speak Japanese is a bit harder. Having something that will help my kids be comforted if I am physically incompacitated until my emergency contact from across the ocean can get there (which could be 2 DAYS) helps even more. Hence the emergency bag idea.

If you can't imagine how this situation could spiral downward for someone with clinical anxiety issues, you must have yours managed really well and you should count yourself lucky. And if you can't be helpful, just shut up and butt out. Because saying, "I don't see how this is that hard" is NOT helpful.

[lolo]

Sept 26, 2016 17:14:11 GMT -5 whatnext said:

Sept 26, 2016 16:27:56 GMT -5 tripleshot said:

Did you read the part where OP says DIL has anxiety?  Way to be empathetic. 

I did. So do I. I still don't get it. It's not that hard and if this is the first time in her life she's had to consider this then she should count herself lucky

It's very clear that you don't get it.

Go away now.

[Deleted]

The Family Readiness Group (FRG), local MOP groups, and meet up groups (via facebook) are all great resources to meet people. Military One Source is a great resource for the military in general. They can even help get together a plan for emergencies when her H is away. They also offer free counseling and can be done over the phone even!
I really like what Michelle wrote. I hope your daughter is okay.

[litebright]

In addition to looking for on-base and off-base support resources and getting to know her neighbors, I would also see if there are any sitter services in her area that she could get in touch with. If she doesn't have the relationships yet to have back-up care in an emergency for free, maybe she could find a paying service that will help in a pinch. I have no in-state family and my DH travels a lot, and I know that if I needed to, I could call up my sitter service and get help from someone background-checked who lives near us/has probably sat for my kids before and who could be available for anywhere from a few hours to an overnight (even though it's expensive). Having a reliable service that I can call for babysitting whenever I need it, whether for a date night or because I need some help with logistics/pick-ups/childcare when DH is gone, is a lifesaver.

Now, I might not be able to get someone fast enough to be there right away for a medical emergency, but they could probably get me a sitter within a few hours or the next day -- enough time that a paramedic could stay with them until a sitter arrived, or I might be able to beg a neighbor to crash at our house until the sitter could take over, then arrange care with the service until I could get a friend to help or my parents could get here from out of state (which I know they would/could do in a sustained emergency).

The pre-packed bags are a good idea, too.

[mrsukyankee]

WOT?*, just in case she can't get to a therapist (again, what do you do with the kids), here's a great book that might help her work through some of this: Overcoming Anxiety. She can find it on Amazon in the US. It's a self-help CBT book.

[WanderingWinoZ]

i've got nothing other than i"m sorry about this WOT?*, hope your DD is doing better!

[Deleted]

Great advice all through here. That sounded like a perfect storm of chaos for her, and I'm very glad the situation was able to resolve. Maybe point to that as reassurance? "Look, we had zero planning in place and the kids are good, you're good, DH is good. Ok, now let's get a plan in place for if this happens again and we'll be as set as set can be."

I don't know how military families handle the lengthy deployments, and having anxiety on top of it? Yikes. Again, great ideas in this thread.

[candreco]

Man, I don't generally have anxiety, but DH travels frequently, and those "what ifs" get me too when he's OOT. Add in everything else on her plate and of course it can be overwhelming. So many good ideas in here.

Are they Norfolk area or northern VA? If they're NoVA, I can track down Naval District Washington info.