My mom married a racist- the never ending story

[meganew]

So after the last round of insanity (my mom's H calling me vapid and idiotic and saying some blantantly racist shit) I told my her I didn't want him in my life or in my kid's lives. She cried and said she wishes I knew him like she does because he does have a good heart (uhhuh, right) and he thought he was responding to someone else when he called me those names (even though I asked him if he knew I could see what he was saying and he said yes. Lol). To her credit my mom hasn't brought up his name to me since and she's been signing cards with only nana.

But then this whole Trump tape thing went down and I saw her like some Trump apologist's videos on facebook in my feed. I checked her facebook page and she didn't say anything, but I guess her activity still comes up? Anyway I was so upset. Then I went and checked her H's page (because the genius has it set to public) and guys, it was so vile. Him yelling "build the wall!" at me was bad enough, but he straight up uses the n word. He called Obama'a daughter by some horrible names. I can repeat exactly nothing of what he said on there- and it made me physically sick. This is the man my mother married. This is who she's standing by. And she didn't comment on any of those posts, but she's laughing at the ones where he calls Hillary "kuntlarry". It's so fucking gross.

So, I broke down and texted her. I tried to keep it to Trump and his racism and sexism and her support of that because I already cut her H out, but I couldn't. Eventually I told her that if her H is going to be such an open and unapologetic racist he might want to keep it under better wraps and set his account to private. She defended him- oh he's just trolling and ranting, I don't approve of his language but he was a shock radio dj (lol, one of the many lies she believes) and this is just his character, those of us who really know him know what a good man he is, and then got mad at me for insinuating she's some weak woman who is being controlled. I told her I'm sorry that I would rather believe she's being controlled than being ok with this hate. And if he ever was a radio dj (which that excuse doesn't even make sense) he's not now, he's just and angry old white guy calling Obama some truly racist names. She hasn't responded.

So I'm distancing myself yet again. I had hoped maybe after the election stuff would die down and we could just koko with our pleasant, twice a year relationship- but now I don't know how I can ever look at her again. How do you marry someone like this? How do you support them and try to defend it? But then what do I expect- for her to divorce her shitty, manipulative, mooch of a husband?

I fucking hate all of this.

[jlt19]

I hate to say it, but maybe your mom truly doesn't mind that he's that way? Sure he's nice and funny to her and their probably white friends. I'm sure that's the the case for most racists. But if he's like this so overtly on FB, she knew his beliefs prior to marrying him and must either agree or just be ok with them.

I'm sorry. Either way that's hard to deal with.

[WOUNDTIGHT]

I'm sorry. And I know this isn't the right response for most people, but cutting my mother completely out of my life was the best decision I ever made .

[smock]

I'm sorry. But you're right that she can't explain it away as a joke or defend it. I think you're wise to pull back from the relationship. You don't have to make any long-term decisions right now, you can see how you feel in a few months.

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry.

I want to say this gently because it's a hard truth to face, but the reason she is okay with it is because she is also racist.

It's hard to stand up to the people we love and I think it's good you're pointing this out to her, but unfortunately I don't think your words will reach her the way you're hoping.

[meganew]

Oct 9, 2016 7:31:35 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

I hate to say it, but maybe your mom truly doesn't mind that he's that way? Sure he's nice and funny to her and their probably white friends. I'm sure that's the the case for most racists. But if he's like this so overtly on FB, she knew his beliefs prior to marrying him and must either agree or just be ok with them.

I'm sorry. Either way that's hard to deal with.

I think she would defend absolutely anything- it doesn't matter what. Everything he says is gospel. They married after only dating a few months, but I'm sure he didn't cover up who he was. She doesn't see man for who they are though- she has zero standards above "he likes me and shows me some version of love."

[meganew]

Oct 9, 2016 7:40:15 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

I'm so sorry.

I want to say this gently because it's a hard truth to face, but the reason she is okay with it is because she is also racist.

It's hard to stand up to the people we love and I think it's good you're pointing this out to her, but unfortunately I don't think your words will reach her the way you're hoping.

Oh I know- I knew she would defend him, honestly. I just couldn't live with myself not calling it out. I felt like just pretending I didn't see it was just letting it go, and I couldn't let it go. What this does to our relationship I really don't care. I'm just so disappointed in her and I've lost whatever respect I had. I know it rings hollow now, but I swear she wasn't like this (being ok with racism) before this guy.

[nsl]

I'm sorry she's putting you in this position, megachoo.

[cville]

That must be so painful. I'm sorry. I think if I were in your position I'd do the same.

Fwiw, and I know this is not at all the same, I do not speak to and have not seen my cousins on one side in over 10 years. Half are virulent racists and the other half don't say anything racist but allow it to go on unchecked. All the men are also misogynists. So I'm done.

[BaliHai]

I'm so sorry, Megs. I posted a long status this morning that I am sure will be the nail in the coffin for me and some of my family members, but they're not my parents and I can't imagine how much more painful it would be if they were.

[awick14]

((Hugs)) it's hard but I think your doing the right thing.

[yourmother]

I say this with lots of love and understanding of the shoes you're in. I really think therapy would help you learn coping mechanisms for dealing with your mom. I see you get so upset and I completely understand the frustration and letdown. My situation is not quite the same (no racism), but I gained SO MUCH from therapy. Bug hugs!!!

[isabel]

I just want to give you hugs. I'm really sorry.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I'm so sorry, Meg.

[7costanza]

I'm sorry. My mom also married and defends a blatant racist, who is is also awful in other ways, and it's a hard thing to deal with. I agree with the suggestion of therapy, I'm going now and it's really helping.

[momof2]

You have at least a 100 reasons to cut this woman off entirely, but I understand you don't want to do that. But, for your own mental health, you have to find a way to stop letting her get to you. None of her actions should be a surprise to you at this point. A good therapists should help you find ways to emotionally disengage if you want to maintain some level of contact.

[meganew]

Oct 9, 2016 8:42:41 GMT -5 yourmother said:

I say this with lots of love and understanding of the shoes you're in. I really think therapy would help you learn coping mechanisms for dealing with your mom. I see you get so upset and I completely understand the frustration and letdown. My situation is not quite the same (no racism), but I gained SO MUCH from therapy. Bug hugs!!!

I know you're right. And every time this shit happens I swear I'm going to finally go- even went so far as to leave a message somewhere (that they didn't return)- but then time passes, I distance myself, and things calm down and I let myself pretend nothing happened. Until something else happens.

[Deleted]

We unfriended H's dad on FB years ago.

I think therapy would do you a lot of good, it certainly helped me. I feel like I spent a good year and a half focusing on my relationship with my mom and figuring it out, and it was nice to have a sounding board. My mom can still be a pill, but the thought of "losing" her isn't scary anymore. These things take time. I feel like now I really own whatever situation we're in, which is helpful.