If you're not a hugger...

[spk926]

...and someone goes in for a hug, what do you do or say?

I've been thinking a lot about this because DH's extended family was together last night. FIL passed 3 years ago and MIL just started dating. We met her boyfriend a little over a week ago when they came over for dinner.

We get to the gathering last night and I say hi to him and he comes up and goes, "Oh give me a hug" as he is leaning in for a hug.

I felt so uncomfortable. I've met this man once before in my life, he has no connection to DH (I think I would feel differently if it was his dad), and I'm just not a hugging type person in general. At that point he was already in for the hug so I just made it super quick. But I don't feel comfortable hugging him the next time I see him. I don't know him and certainly not well enough to hug. Heck I've been with DH for 14 years and I still dislike that MIL thinks it's necessary to hug when she arrives and when she leaves.

So what would you have done or would you do the next time?

[spk926]

He's probably a really great guy but dude, we just met you. Another thing that bothered me is when MIL was holding DS he got out his phone and kept taking pictures of him. The back of MIL's head was in them so it wasn't as if it was a nice picture of the two of them. Weird, right?

He recently retired from teaching so I know he's good with kids, but still odd.

[CloudBee]

I've given in and become a hugger SO I CAN AVOID THE KISSING!

If someone leans in for a kiss I HUG.

If I know someone is a kisser I HUG.

And now if I really love someone or haven't seen a friend in a long time... I hug. LOL.

If I don't really know you / you're not family and you try to hug, I still lean in a little but do more of a back pat.

[stephm0188]

I'm not a hugger. If they go in for a hug they wind up getting a stiff ass Duggar style side hug and that usually gets the point across to GTFO of my personal space.

[winecheery]

Is this possibly a cultural/or family thing? Like double kissing cheeks, or even mouth kissing (yep!) from people I barely knew initially (we eventually became great friends), but they were from El Salvador, and that kind of affection was normal within their family and culture. Their entire family did it, and over the years at many a get together with them and their friends or extended family, I got kissed by people I had never met until that night.

Hugging often is practiced among my friends and my family, and it was how I was raised, and indeed, a cultural thing for me as well. I'm not a shake hands type when meeting new friends of friends. I guess I initially do a handshake, but I typically hug goodbye for sure. Hand shakes (for me) are reserved for formal (business) settings and not family gatherings, and that's obviously not the case for everyone.

I'd do cloudbee's suggestion of more of a back pat, or when they move in for a hug, offer your hand instead. Or you can lightly say "Sorry, I'm not much if a hugger," if you are really that bothered by it, and want the surest way to avoid future awkwardness. You shouldn't feel forced to do it, but IMO it isn't weird of him to want to go in for a hug if it is his personality/culture/or family norm.

[spk926]

winecheery, it very well could just be a personality or family norm for him. I still think it's odd. Like dude, I don't know you anymore than I know the guy who comes to tune up our furnace. Why do you think I'm going to be all gung ho about hugging you?! Next time maybe I'll just say hi from a farther distance and then walk in the opposite direction. If he still tries I'll tell him I'm not the hugging type.

[undecidedowl]

Ugh, I hate that. Ditto stephm0188, that they get a stiff Duggar style hug.

DH's family ALL hugs for hello and goodbye. It's pure misery and I try to escape the hug rounds whenever possible.

[quesyrah]

I turn sideways and leave a gap and do a side hug.

Most people never attempt to hug me again lol

[arch01]

I go for the side hug.

[gibbinator]

I usually do a one arm side hug. I just deal with it. DH's family is all super huggy and affectionate. Dh has this one uncle that always attacks everyone with giant bear hugs. So glad they'r not kissers.

[ECB]

I'm a hugger but there are some people I don't like hugging. I purposely keep the hug VERY short and I keep my arms some what stiff and put my hands on their shoulders/ upper arms. When I say stiff, I don't mean straight. Just 'firm' to make sure the hug doesn't go past a quick lean in and where my arms don't go around them. Only on the shoulder/upper arm.

[nicolewi]

Next time he starts to lean in, could you just say straight out something like, "You know, I'm really just not a hugger. It's not you, I just like to keep a little more distance."