Excusing the bad behavior of men

[bullygirl979]

When my XH cheated on me, I very clearly remember telling my mother and her response was "Well, that is what men do. They cheat." I was floored by this comment (and disgusted as well).

I had another conversation with an older woman (late 50s) and we were discussing relationships and cheating and other issues and she basically said that men and women are very different. That women are content however men need to feel wanted and needed by several women and this is very common. And that if you have a "good thing" that it shouldn't necessarily matter what a man does when he isn't with you as long as he comes home to you and it is good between you when he does. Now, she didn't elaborate what those activities where when he wasn't with you but I got the distinct impression she was talking about inappropriate things.

It got me thinking....why are these women excusing bad behavior by men? Have they both been cheated on and therefore are bitter? Is it a generational thing that they don't expect their partners to be faithful and of good moral character? Something else entirely?

C'mon SO ladies (and JM if you are lurking), what are your thoughts?

ETA: for the record, I am not questioning if guys can be faithful. I know they can. I am just wondering why two older women would not think so.

[Deleted]

I don't know if those women were brought up to think bad behavior is acceptable. Clearly, it's not. Maybe years ago women were less independent and looked down upon if they got divorced, so they sucked it up and stuck it out. I could not imagine being like that.

[Deleted]

Are you kidding me...this isnt a generational thing....it happens now all the time....just look around.

[bullygirl979]

Sept 9, 2012 11:39:49 GMT -5 mags said:

Are you kidding me...this isnt a generational thing....it happens now all the time....just look around.

I see people putting up with it, but not rationalizing it. I have never heard one of my friends say "Oh, men just cheat. It is what they do. They can't help it".

ETA: it just seems that both of these women EXPECT men to be like this. I consider men like this to be the exception, not the norm. So I am just idealistic or do they just have low standards? I mean, I consider it to be fully possible to meet a man who wouldn't cheat on me. Does this make sense?

[bullygirl979]

Sept 9, 2012 12:14:50 GMT -5 dynamoo said:

Yes, it is possible to not be cheated on. There are many good men out there. I have many, many guy friends and not one of them would be able to live with them self if they cheated. It would never happen. They are out there!

Oh, I know it is possible. I was just wondering why these women I was talking to don't think it is possible. Because they are both older, I was wondering if it was a generational thing or is it just coincidence that they don't believe that men can be faithful, kwim?

I think it is sad that this is how they view men to be...

[roselis]

I think it is completely possible for men to be faithful. But the idea that men are going to cheat... is as old as time. I mean, you all know I love renfaire. Infidelity was rampant in the Tudor era. Look at Henry VIII, he had many mistresses, but he beheaded 2 wives charging them with infidelity. Does this make it right? Hell no. It just seems that the perception that men cannot be faithful continues on for some people.
I know some guys who have been completely faithful to their SO. I know some guy friends who have not been faithful to their SO, and yet are still happy in their relationship or so they tell me.

I do also agree with blueeyes623 and that women are becoming more independent today and with divorce being more accepted, women are less likely to just deal with their guy being unfaithful

[jojoandleo]

Sept 9, 2012 11:42:05 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Sept 9, 2012 11:39:49 GMT -5 mags said:

Are you kidding me...this isnt a generational thing....it happens now all the time....just look around.

I see people putting up with it, but not rationalizing it. I have never heard one of my friends say "Oh, men just cheat. It is what they do. They can't help it".

ETA: it just seems that both of these women EXPECT men to be like this. I consider men like this to be the exception, not the norm. So I am just idealistic or do they just have low standards? I mean, I consider it to be fully possible to meet a man who wouldn't cheat on me. Does this make sense?

Yeah, sorry, this thought process IS still around today. I have heard women my age say, "boys will be boys!" And that all men cheat, just not all get caught.

It happens on this very board, just not with cheating. "Oh, that's just a guy for you" *giggles* Thinking all men cheat is just as annoying and bad as thinking all men are bad at communicating or all men ANYTHING! All men are not alike, just like all women are not alike.

People want to think it is the way men are hard wired so they don't have to think it is something THEY did or that they picked the wrong guy. They would rather every guy is this way than leave him.

[Deleted]

Sept 9, 2012 13:24:46 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Sept 9, 2012 11:42:05 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I see people putting up with it, but not rationalizing it. I have never heard one of my friends say "Oh, men just cheat. It is what they do. They can't help it".

ETA: it just seems that both of these women EXPECT men to be like this. I consider men like this to be the exception, not the norm. So I am just idealistic or do they just have low standards? I mean, I consider it to be fully possible to meet a man who wouldn't cheat on me. Does this make sense?

Yeah, sorry, this thought process IS still around today. I have heard women my age say, "boys will be boys!" And that all men cheat, just not all get caught.

It happens on this very board, just not with cheating. "Oh, that's just a guy for you" *giggles* Thinking all men cheat is just as annoying and bad as thinking all men are bad at communicating or all men ANYTHING! All men are not alike, just like all women are not alike.

People want to think it is the way men are hard wired so they don't have to think it is something THEY did or that they picked the wrong guy. They would rather every guy is this way than leave him.

i agree 100% and while it may not be said by as many women as in the past it still happens. and i wasnt just talking about the cheating...oh my husband is a slob, my husband babysat for me, my h just cant do this or that....but you know how men are...etc etc....

ive said it many times, i believe that a lot of the time women are their own enemies but continuing to accept behaviors from men because "thats how men are"

andi AM older a lot older than most of you so while age may have a small % in it...it still is a big issue in my eyes.

[bullygirl979]

Sept 9, 2012 13:24:46 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Sept 9, 2012 11:42:05 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I see people putting up with it, but not rationalizing it. I have never heard one of my friends say "Oh, men just cheat. It is what they do. They can't help it".

ETA: it just seems that both of these women EXPECT men to be like this. I consider men like this to be the exception, not the norm. So I am just idealistic or do they just have low standards? I mean, I consider it to be fully possible to meet a man who wouldn't cheat on me. Does this make sense?

People want to think it is the way men are hard wired so they don't have to think it is something THEY did or that they picked the wrong guy. They would rather every guy is this way than leave him.

This makes a ton of sense and I totally agree.

[audg]

Sept 9, 2012 16:10:04 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Sept 9, 2012 13:24:46 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

People want to think it is the way men are hard wired so they don't have to think it is something THEY did or that they picked the wrong guy. They would rather every guy is this way than leave him.

This makes a ton of sense and I totally agree.

Yep..exactly what I was thinking. It's easier for some women to chalk it up to "oh well, that's what all men do" than to actually deal with it and/or possibly leave him. I also agree that it has a ton to do with self esteem.

[roselis]

Sept 9, 2012 15:02:45 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Why has Henry VIII been brought up on this board TWICE in the past week? For some reason that makes me LOL.

My excuse is that my renfaire just opened so my mind immediately goes there for references

[achase123]

I liken it to the same way of thinking that excuses a lot of things that men do:

"oh they just don't clean as well as us"

"I'll handle the bills because it's just easier than asking H to do it"

"I always need to remind H to get his mom a b-day card, he just can't remember those things, typical MAN"

It's pretty sad to think that this type of behavior would ever be excused. Women need to expect more out of a partner. Or, at least the same that they expect of themselves.

[wrathofkuus]

Sept 9, 2012 12:22:59 GMT -5 @roselis said:

I think it is completely possible for men to be faithful. But the idea that men are going to cheat... is as old as time. I mean, you all know I love renfaire. Infidelity was rampant in the Tudor era. Look at Henry VIII, he had many mistresses, but he beheaded 2 wives charging them with infidelity. Does this make it right? Hell no. It just seems that the perception that men cannot be faithful continues on for some people.

This isn't evidence that men are particularly predisposed to be unfaithful, though - this is an example of BOTH sexes being unfaithful, and the sex in power being the only side that doesn't have to just take it.

That's the crux of it, really. Women in previous generations didn't have the economic freedom, the power, to choose what they want in a marriage. They were at a gross disadvantage, and the sex in power took advantage of that. Thank feminism for this mentality no longer being de riguer.

[lookingup]

Sept 10, 2012 13:33:52 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Sept 9, 2012 12:22:59 GMT -5 @roselis said:

I think it is completely possible for men to be faithful. But the idea that men are going to cheat... is as old as time. I mean, you all know I love renfaire. Infidelity was rampant in the Tudor era. Look at Henry VIII, he had many mistresses, but he beheaded 2 wives charging them with infidelity. Does this make it right? Hell no. It just seems that the perception that men cannot be faithful continues on for some people.

This isn't evidence that men are particularly predisposed to be unfaithful, though - this is an example of BOTH sexes being unfaithful, and the sex in power being the only side that doesn't have to just take it.

That's the crux of it, really. Women in previous generations didn't have the economic freedom, the power, to choose what they want in a marriage. They were at a gross disadvantage, and the sex in power took advantage of that. Thank feminism for this mentality no longer being de riguer.

Kuus is wise.

[ECB]

Sept 9, 2012 13:24:46 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

It happens on this very board, just not with cheating. "Oh, that's just a guy for you" *giggles* Thinking all men cheat is just as annoying and bad as thinking all men are bad at communicating or all men ANYTHING! All men are not alike, just like all women are not alike.

People want to think it is the way men are hard wired so they don't have to think it is something THEY did or that they picked the wrong guy. They would rather every guy is this way than leave him.

Yup - agree w/ all of this!

[blackkitty]

Men suck. Dontcha know?

[roselis]

Sept 10, 2012 13:54:41 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Sept 10, 2012 13:33:52 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

This isn't evidence that men are particularly predisposed to be unfaithful, though - this is an example of BOTH sexes being unfaithful, and the sex in power being the only side that doesn't have to just take it.

That's the crux of it, really. Women in previous generations didn't have the economic freedom, the power, to choose what they want in a marriage. They were at a gross disadvantage, and the sex in power took advantage of that. Thank feminism for this mentality no longer being de riguer.

Kuus is wise.

I wasn't saying they are pre-disposed to it. I was just saying that women have been accepting/tolerating it for a long time.
IMO, women are just as "pre-disposed" to it as men are. Gender has nothing to do with fidelity to me.