I'm ready to talk again

[hamster]

I'm sure some of you have already pieced together what's happening here. PDQ, will DD, etc.

As I've already mentioned, H was not supportive of the anti-depressants I was prescribed. It ended up in a yelling match and me essentially having to come clean that a large part my my depression was manifesting into the desire to run away from everything. Clearly that went over well, and it's brought up a lot of other issues.

Now that I have my rose colored glasses are off, things are...not good. What I've realized:

- He does not and will not participate in my hobbies
- Talks very rude and condescending to me, but is always "joking"
- Constantly demands things from me. As one person has said, it's like I'm his mother. I am constantly "responsible" for him.
- I cannot talk to him about my feelings. I've actually never felt this way, and 
- As we talk about things that are bothering me, he's victim blaming me. 
- At work I am a strong, opinionated, bubbly person. At home I am not.
- He's fucking gaslighting me. I learned that word this morning and kept shaking my head yes as I read along. He's a manipulative fighter to the point that I quickly lose sight of my opinions and the point of the argument, I constantly apologize for things I shouldn't, I've been reaching out to everything over the last week in hopes that somebody will validate my feelings because I can't myself, he's told me I'm too sensitive, etc. etc. etc. 

So, there's that. I'm obviously in therapy, but I'm obviously pretty fed up and angry at this stage in my marriage. Could he change? Sure. But let's be honest here. He won't. He refuses to go to marriage counseling because "I don't have a marriage problem." And frankly, I don't even really believe myself when I say I want to work on it. I feel like I owe it to the last twelve years of my life but...

Obviously the writing is on the wall here. My full time request will go to HR as soon as I give it the green light, and there's no indication to think it won't be approved as it's still budgeted as a 1.0 FTE. I've printed bank statements. I have a place I can stay in the interim. I'm building a support system. The fact that I've made it through this with crying shows how fucking pissed I am. 

So there you go. 

[ijack]

I'm so sorry hamster That he won't go to counseling is a huge red flag to me (along with the others). Lots of hugs for you <3

[insominac]

I'm sorry. He does not sound like a supportive partner, and you should have that. Who gets pissed at someone for taking legally prescribed medicine??

[protozoa]

So many hugs to you  (heart)

[Wanderista]

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I'm glad that you are recognizing the gaslighting. It has happened to me previously and it can be hard to recognize at first.

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You are a strong woman, you have a plan, and you have all of our support.

[compassrose]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. TTC with my XH is what prompted my divorce, when I realized he was not the right partner for me. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, the brave thing, and the thing that will give you a chance at true happiness.

We are here for you.

PM me if you ever want to talk.

[idahome]

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, but proud that you now recognize exactly what is going on. The journey to change is a long one and we often experience setbacks along the road, but you CAN do this!

[konapoppy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so glad you are doing everything you can for your own well being. Hugs.

[pumpkin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but good for you for doing what you need to do for yourself. This is hard, I know, but someday you'll be so much better for it. Take care of yourself through all this and know we're here for you.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM

[sunnysally]

I am so sorry. Take care of yourself and do what makes you the happiest in the long term.

[Pom]

You are an amazing person, strong and smart. You deserve to have someone that stands beside and supports you in all things. Wishing all the happiness for your future and know we are here to cheer you on friend. I am truly sorry this is happening but I think you are brave for taking steps to be true to all you deserve. Big, creepy internet stranger love and hugs.

[hamster]

Let's talk math real quick.

Assuming I can move up to full time, my take home should be 2475 or so. How much apartment can I afford?

Thinking bills would be:
Phone - 50
Insurance - 75
Cable/Internet - 100
Electricity - 100-150 best guess
Car - 400. If I refinance I can drop this to 250 or less. Loan balance is 10k.

Most, nice, non-college units that accept large dogs are around 1100. This would leave me with 625 for food, entertainment, gas, etc. It's obviously tight, but is it unmanageable for one person? If the car is refinanced that obviously gives me a lot more wiggle room.

And I'm obviously not contributing to my IRA at this level. I'm generally ok with that in the short term. I do contribute 6% to my 401k, have a 2% match. That will continue to increase until January 2018 when I receive a 4% match. I also get a base contribution of an additional 4% but I'm not certain if that is this January or next.

If I do the high deductible insurance plan, I pay about $12 per paycheck, and my employer gives me $800 in an HSA. Doing the PPO would be an extra $20 per paycheck.

[laurensmomma]

I'm so sorry. You've been through a lot, and I know the future holds good things for you, whatever path you choose to take.

[LoveTrains]

I'm so sorry hamster. We are here for you. I'm proud of you.

[leeluu]

I feel Ike that is a little tight. Can you get a roommate?

[imojoebunny]

Nov 11, 2016 13:39:17 GMT -5 hamster said:

Let's talk math real quick.

Sorry that you are going through this.  Sending you hugs, and peace.  

One thing you might look into is a house share.  I know several divorced people who do this, even some with children, and we have had tenants do it in the past.  Then the dog would have a yard, and it would generally be cheaper.  Finding the right person can be a challenge, but maybe a possibility, until you get on your feet.  Maybe look for someone who also has a pup and travels for work/has an SO who lives elsewhere, who would appreciate having someone home to watch their dog.  I live in a town with a lot of college students, and many people have back houses they rent out that come with electric and cable, so that might be a less expensive option over a complex, if you can find one.   Older, non-college students are more desirable tenants for things like that.  For the phone, could you add on to your parents or a siblings plan, rather than being on your own?   My FIL is on our plan and it is only $5 a month for him.  We have enough data for all of us, but even if we added more, it would be closer to $20 more, not $50.  

There is the mental/emotional part of leaving, and then the logistical part.  Wishing you success in both of those, as you make decisions moving forward, if that is what you decide on.  

[Deleted]

You may have already thought about this, but some apartments cover some utilities.

Do you have any savings? (You don't have to answer that publicly). Having $600/month for food/fun/etc is doable for one person but doesn't leave much room to save.

Vet bills?

Let me know if you want me to delete any of this.

[hamster]

I pretty adamantly don't want a roommate. I need to learn to be independent, and I won't do that while living with somebody.

I really hate that the places that take large dogs seem to be a step up in price point.

[hamster]

Oh, and wyatt would not be living with me but I sure as fuck get visitation rights. I would hate not being able to have a sleepover with him.

[compassrose]

I personally would find that too tight. Can you live a little further away and find a still nice apt for less? Maybe renting a basement or garage apartment rather than a complex?

[Deleted]

hamster, I'm glad you are making healthy choices for yourself. It's hard to see how a partner is toxic to your mental health. You are a brave woman who deserves every iota of happiness. Your MM fam is always here for you. ::creepy internet stranger hugs::

[lemons]

I'm sorry you're going through this. When I relocated, a realtor helped me find a rental property. I rented a condo for less than the apartments were at the time.

[followyourarrow]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're being very wise. I know it would be a big budget stretch, but I'd live alone initially. I found it so beneficial as I worked through things. When you talk to a lawyer you might see if you qualify for alimony because you worked part time. If you want me to edit or delete I I'll. If you need to talk to someone who has been through similar things, I'm here.

[brooke77]

I'm so sorry. You said that you owe it to the last 12 years of your life to work on your marriage, but you owe it to the next 60 years of your life to do what makes you happiest. Things will get better.

[hamster]

There's a really good choice for only 925, but dogs can only be 40 pounds. Wyatt is 70, and presumably most people would know he's over the limit. But I can't imagine him spending a ton of time in an apartment anyway.

I'm just worried that if I get a place farther out that I'll feel isolated.

[raangoli]

I'm so sorry hamster. You are a strong woman and you will get through this. We're here to help in any way.

[steph96]

I'm sorry you're going through this. We're here if you need to vent.

[mila]

So many hugs to you

[ellipses84]

((Hugs)) I'm sorry you are going through this. Don't get stuck on how much time you've been together. Other than the memories and what you've learned from the experience, it means nothing about what your future holds.