Is it normal to want to kill DH all the time?

[dropitlikeitshott]

I have a 13 month old son. As of this summer I am a sahm. I only went back to work for 4 months to finish out the school year. I LOVE being a sahm. Its hard some days and I know they will get harder as DS gets older and we add more kids. I do suffer from anxiety and struggle with feeling like I have to do it all. I struggle with worring about being the perfect sahm. I put the pressure on myself, dh is always supportive.

My problem is that I am always super pissed at DH. Before DS we rarely fought. Even when we first brought him home from the NICU we never really fought. Now we fight every freaking day DH is home. He is a firefighter and works crazy hours. It's normal for him to work 48+ (he sleeps at the station). When he is home he does try to help, but somehow always Fucks it up so it's more work for me.

Today I was pissed at him because he put wash in before folding what we already had in the dryer. This means I now have two loads to fold and no basket to put them in. He also fed DS lunch and then just leat everything on the counter.

I know he works a lot, and I try to make it so we have as little to do when he is home as possible but some stuff just has to beat done daily. I appreciate that he jumps in to help, but gosh darn it is want to kill him.

Is this normal? Do I need help? Is he just the biggest dumb ass on the planet?

[cabbagecabbage]

I hated my husband for months when my first was an infant. I think it's totally normal and it went away sometime after a year. Godspeed. It sucks but it really does get better.

[chickadee77]

Yes.

It started getting better at a year. Even better at two, but still not great.

Now I'm pregnant again, lol, so we'll see if either of us survives.

[dropitlikeitshott]

Dec 12, 2016 19:15:50 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

I hated my husband for months when my first was an infant. I think it's totally normal and it went away sometime after a year. Godspeed. It sucks but it really does get better.

I expected it when he was tiny. We struggled with IF and DS had a 3 week nicu stay due to being a premie. I almost wonder if we were just so glad to finally have him home that we pushed it all off a year.

I feel crazy.

[usm]

You need a break.

Not that long ago I was sitting across the room plotting my husband's death for similar things. My youngest is 4! My husband works late most evenings so when he comes home "early" it throws me all off.

I started planning things for me to do out of the house, without kids, on a regular basis. I told him that I pick up after people all day and I need him to put the fucking lunch meat up,not my finest moment, but it helped! I stopped picking up after him when I was mad.

Do something for you. Some friends and I started meeting getting together Sunday nights. Some times we call it a bible study, sometimes a book club, usually we are just laughing or complaining about our husbands. We do apps, or coffee shop, or drinks but it makes me feel less crazy. I come home to kids in bed.

[cabbagecabbage]

Dec 12, 2016 19:18:52 GMT -5 chickadee77 said:

Yes.

It started getting better at a year. Even better at two, but still not great.

Now I'm pregnant again, lol, so we'll see if either of us survives.

Baby #2 is almost 5 months. So far it's much better, so have hope.

[dropitlikeitshott]

Dec 12, 2016 19:31:15 GMT -5 usm said:

You need a break.

Not that long ago I was sitting across the room plotting my husband's death for similar things. My youngest is 4! My husband works late most evenings so when he comes home "early" it throws me all off.

I started planning things for me to do out of the house, without kids, on a regular basis. I told him that I pick up after people all day and I need him to put the fucking lunch meat up,not my finest moment, but it helped! I stopped picking up after him when I was mad.

Do something for you. Some friends and I started meeting getting together Sunday nights. Some times we call it a bible study, sometimes a book club, usually we are just laughing or complaining about our husbands. We do apps, or coffee shop, or drinks but it makes me feel less crazy. I come home to kids in bed.

This made me laugh. You sound like me. 

I am trying to find something like this. I need something with childcare, since DH's schedule is always different. All of my friends work during the day, which makes it lonely. I am trying to make sahm mom friends but I haven't found anyone that "fits". 

I have started going to the gym 3 days a week( two days we go to toddler reading time)  and leaving DS in the daycare, which helps so much. 

[speckledfrog]

It sounds to me adjusting your expectations would be really helpful. I've struggled with this and am currently working with a counselor on how to enjoy my life more and this was one of the first things she suggested. My expectations of myself are too high. I'm very task oriented When things go wrong it's a catastrophe. I feel like I need to do it all either myself or my way. Between bringing things down to a more reasonable level (He did the laundry wrong, now everything is ruined --> I wish he had done things differently, but I can do X or Y about it) and really making time for some self-care, it has made a world of difference.

[redheadk]

Dec 12, 2016 19:44:30 GMT -5 dropitlikeitshott said:

Dec 12, 2016 19:31:15 GMT -5 usm said:

You need a break.

Not that long ago I was sitting across the room plotting my husband's death for similar things. My youngest is 4! My husband works late most evenings so when he comes home "early" it throws me all off.

I started planning things for me to do out of the house, without kids, on a regular basis. I told him that I pick up after people all day and I need him to put the fucking lunch meat up,not my finest moment, but it helped! I stopped picking up after him when I was mad.

Do something for you. Some friends and I started meeting getting together Sunday nights. Some times we call it a bible study, sometimes a book club, usually we are just laughing or complaining about our husbands. We do apps, or coffee shop, or drinks but it makes me feel less crazy. I come home to kids in bed.

This made me laugh. You sound like me. 

I am trying to find something like this. I need something with childcare, since DH's schedule is always different. All of my friends work during the day, which makes it lonely. I am trying to make sahm mom friends but I haven't found anyone that "fits". 

I have started going to the gym 3 days a week( two days we go to toddler reading time)  and leaving DS in the daycare, which helps so much. 

If you are open to church-based programs, check area churches for a Mothers Day Out/Parents Day Out program. DD started in one at 6 months and it was a life saver. Before that, I had a friend who watched her once a week for 5 hours. 

There are still days I want to kill DH but you do need to calmly talk to him about doing things like picking up after himself. That is one of my big things, too, and it can definitely be a double standard. After all, I can leave something out and the only person it will bother is ME. But if he leaves something out, it's in my way all day or I have to pick it up. Little things like cleaning up after dinner includes the stuff used to cook dinner/pans on the stove, not just the plates from the table! 

It did get a lot better for us but I'm relieved we are one and done.

ETA: I agree with adjusting your expectations. It's ok for him to do things differently than you do. It's not okay for him to act like you are also the live-in maid.  SaveSaveSaveSave

[Deleted]

Yes.


Signed,

Mom to a 13 month old former preemie with a husband that works ridiculous schedule

[keh2oblue]

Um, yes for the entire 2 years I SAH. My H expected me t to take care of almost everything without even realizing it. We always fought about how he wasn't pulling his weight. I second going out on your own or having a hobby to get away. Sorry

[mala]

Totally normal. My husband is a medic & FF, and works a 24/72 normally,, with often 48 hour shifts. It's a total mindfuck because it's so hard to get into a routine when it always changes. Talking about it honestly helps, H and I had some really rough conversations about what I needed from him as a partner, and he needed me to tell him plainly what I needed, like needing him to make dinner, or do the shopping, or step it up on the dishes. I felt like he was coming home and sitting on the computer rather than pulling his weight around the house and with the kid. I also realized I had to stop acting like he was useless, realize he does do his share around the house, and I needed to stop acting like he wasn't. We also worked out that I got a "me" day every week. I go to the coffee house, lunch by myself, and do any errands (like the grocery store) entirely on my own. I bring a book, laptop, or my knitting with me. I go any Tuesday that he's home (and if he's not home and I still feel really stressed I'll go a different day instead). Going out alone helped save my sanity, I swear.

[kath16]

I saw the title of this thread and said"how old is your baby"

So, normal. Find a way to take breaks. Take a bath or long shower at every opportunity and get out of the house alone or with friends when possible. Have adult conversation daily.

Hang in there!

[Elsa]

Dec 12, 2016 19:51:40 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

It sounds to me adjusting your expectations would be really helpful. I've struggled with this and am currently working with a counselor on how to enjoy my life more and this was one of the first things she suggested. My expectations of myself are too high. I'm very task oriented When things go wrong it's a catastrophe. I feel like I need to do it all either myself or my way. Between bringing things down to a more reasonable level (He did the laundry wrong, now everything is ruined --> I wish he had done things differently, but I can do X or Y about it) and really making time for some self-care, it has made a world of difference.

I need this. I think it might make a big difference in my life. Is it helping you?

[nikki25]

LOL, yes.

[hopecounts]

Dec 12, 2016 19:21:40 GMT -5 dropitlikeitshott said:

Dec 12, 2016 19:15:50 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

I hated my husband for months when my first was an infant. I think it's totally normal and it went away sometime after a year. Godspeed. It sucks but it really does get better.

I expected it when he was tiny. We struggled with IF and DS had a 3 week nicu stay due to being a premie. I almost wonder if we were just so glad to finally have him home that we pushed it all off a year.

I feel crazy.

Likely normal but anxiety can exhibit as anger and IF and NICU time are risk factors for PPD/PPA so if you think it might be that don't hesitate to speak with your OB/PCP.

[VeryViolet]

Dec 12, 2016 20:15:02 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Dec 12, 2016 19:21:40 GMT -5 dropitlikeitshott said:

I expected it when he was tiny. We struggled with IF and DS had a 3 week nicu stay due to being a premie. I almost wonder if we were just so glad to finally have him home that we pushed it all off a year.

I feel crazy.

Likely normal but anxiety can exhibit as anger and IF and NICU time are risk factors for PPD/PPA so if you think it might be that don't hesitate to speak with your OB/PCP.

I just want to second this. I put off what I thought was kind of normal adjustment stuff for longer than I wish I had. My anxiety manifested itself in lots of little ways and one giant way and that was me being so angry at my husband all the time. Going on medicine really helped me feel better and helped my marriage as I wasn't snapping all the time. I actually dropped my dosage because I am pregnant again and I can feel the anger creeping back. I hate it so much because dh is amazing and so patient with DS and me and I know it rationally but emotionally I am kind of a mess. It also helped to do some counseling too.

[Deleted]

Yes.

Mine is upstairs right now putting the three year old to bed. He promised he would bring my water bottle downstairs when he was done. There is a 95% chance he will forget this but I can't call up the stairs without waking the baby. And I'm thirsty. This little stuff just adds up when you have kids and there are 100 more things to do and you just want someone to take care of you. I'm sure my husband has 100 things like this he could list about me too. It's tiring.

I agree with adjusting your expectations.

[julianabixby]

My baby is only six months, so I know my answer isn't exactly applicable, but I still find myself alternating between days I'm ready to pack my bags and move out with DD and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel where I think we will get through this together.

I do think it was harder when I was home on maternity leave because so much of my adult interaction was based on him and with his busy work schedule and responsibilities, he just didn't always have the time/energy at the end of the day to always want to talk/hang out like I did. The pressure I put on myself, and still do now that I'm back to work, was tough and it has taken a few talks to get to a point where he understands where and how I need his help with things, both when I was not working and now that I am. I am a horrible communicator at times and hate being direct (I don't like to inconvenience or hurt anyone's feelings), but I've had to learn to be more specific and direct with what I need h to help me with and do it before I get to a point where I am going to snap at him or feel totally overwhelmed from stressing myself out. Sometimes those talks would lead to both of us getting frustrated because H had a high stress job and does a lot outside of work as well, so he is really busy, and I would be upset because I felt like I was the only one handling things at home. We would get everything worked out eventually, but the talks weren't always easy and sometimes took time. I'm not sure how this will all work if we want two kids seeing as some days just one seems to be hard enough for us 😣

Big hugs and I hope it gets a little better soon!

[julianabixby]

Dec 12, 2016 21:05:31 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Yes.

Mine is upstairs right now putting the three year old to bed. He promised he would bring my water bottle downstairs when he was done. There is a 95% chance he will forget this but I can't call up the stairs without waking the baby. And I'm thirsty. This little stuff just adds up when you have kids and there are 100 more things to do and you just want someone to take care of you. I'm sure my husband has 100 things like this he could list about me too. It's tiring.

I agree with adjusting your expectations.

YES! I think that's the hardest part sometimes too - I take care of DD, I take care of the dog and myself and do a lot to help H out. It's not that i need to be taken care of all of the time, but man it would be nice to be taken care of without having to ask for help every now and then!

[isabel]

I don't know if it's normal. I don't recall being any more frustrated with H than normal.

I get why your examples are frustrating. On the other hand, he is clearly trying to help. Have you had a conversation about why those things are frustrating and why they make your job harder?

Of course, if you're just looking to complain, feel free. God knows H bugs the shit out of me sometimes.

[dropitlikeitshott]

Dec 12, 2016 20:02:17 GMT -5 mala said:

Totally normal. My husband is a medic & FF, and works a 24/72 normally,, with often 48 hour shifts. It's a total mindfuck because it's so hard to get into a routine when it always changes. Talking about it honestly helps, H and I had some really rough conversations about what I needed from him as a partner, and he needed me to tell him plainly what I needed, like needing him to make dinner, or do the shopping, or step it up on the dishes. I felt like he was coming home and sitting on the computer rather than pulling his weight around the house and with the kid. I also realized I had to stop acting like he was useless, realize he does do his share around the house, and I needed to stop acting like he wasn't. We also worked out that I got a "me" day every week. I go to the coffee house, lunch by myself, and do any errands (like the grocery store) entirely on my own. I bring a book, laptop, or my knitting with me. I go any Tuesday that he's home (and if he's not home and I still feel really stressed I'll go a different day instead). Going out alone helped save my sanity, I swear.

It's so hard with their schedule. DH works 24/48 for our city (his main job), plus at a part time station, and at a gym. I never know when he is coming and going.

I think the lack of routine with his job does make it worse. We had a fight about the dishwasher the other day. I always unload while DS is eating and before I take DS out of his chair I make sure the kitchend is clean. It's our routine, dh says he'll take care of the kitchen and leaves all the breakfast stuff until after lunch because he needs to unload. It made me so mad.

I am going to suggest a day out when he is home. I sell stuff online as a hobby/pocket money, so that would be a good reason to leave.

[dropitlikeitshott]

Dec 12, 2016 20:36:42 GMT -5 VeryViolet said:

Dec 12, 2016 20:15:02 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Likely normal but anxiety can exhibit as anger and IF and NICU time are risk factors for PPD/PPA so if you think it might be that don't hesitate to speak with your OB/PCP.

I just want to second this. I put off what I thought was kind of normal adjustment stuff for longer than I wish I had. My anxiety manifested itself in lots of little ways and one giant way and that was me being so angry at my husband all the time. Going on medicine really helped me feel better and helped my marriage as I wasn't snapping all the time. I actually dropped my dosage because I am pregnant again and I can feel the anger creeping back. I hate it so much because dh is amazing and so patient with DS and me and I know it rationally but emotionally I am kind of a mess. It also helped to do some counseling too.

I completely shut down the first 6 months + of DS life. I know it was his birth experience and nicu stay. I still can't leave him over night and just thinking about it makes me cry. I am already on medsome, buthe it's a super low dose and it might be time to talk talking my Dr again.

[miso]

It's probably not exactly normal.

I felt like that, and we did not have a good marriage.

So there's that.

[hopecounts]

Dec 12, 2016 21:23:09 GMT -5 dropitlikeitshott said:

Dec 12, 2016 20:36:42 GMT -5 VeryViolet said:

I just want to second this. I put off what I thought was kind of normal adjustment stuff for longer than I wish I had. My anxiety manifested itself in lots of little ways and one giant way and that was me being so angry at my husband all the time. Going on medicine really helped me feel better and helped my marriage as I wasn't snapping all the time. I actually dropped my dosage because I am pregnant again and I can feel the anger creeping back. I hate it so much because dh is amazing and so patient with DS and me and I know it rationally but emotionally I am kind of a mess. It also helped to do some counseling too.

I completely shut down the first 6 months + of DS life. I know it was his birth experience and nicu stay. I still can't leave him over night and just thinking about it makes me cry. I am already on medsome, buthe it's a super low dose and it might be time to talk talking my Dr again.

It's worth discussing options with your doctor a different med or dose may help you more.

Of course this is assuming he isn't really an asshole.

[Deleted]

My PMAD manifested itself as exactly this. I was MAD, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious about everything kid related. People told me it was normal, to hang on, and to throw money at household crap. I dreamt about running away. I yelled at DH about everything. He couldn't do anything right. I worked full time and we were remodeling a house. I was terrified about being alone with DS for any length of time. When DS was 18 months old I finally said "enough" and went to my doctor. He put me on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds that day, and sent me to a therapist.

2+ years later, I can finally see what a bad place I was in, and that I had been that way since DS was only a few months old. I wish I had gotten help earlier. Now I'm angry that PMAD robbed me of really enjoying the baby time, but I'm slowly making peace with that.

All that being said, it NEVER hurts to talk to someone. I didn't realize how bad it was. We've had to do a lot of work on ourselves and our marriage. Our marriage is fine, thank goodness, but I would never wish this experience on anyone.

Good luck and hugs.

[FastHands]

Dec 12, 2016 21:07:51 GMT -5 julianabixby said:

Dec 12, 2016 21:05:31 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Yes.

Mine is upstairs right now putting the three year old to bed. He promised he would bring my water bottle downstairs when he was done. There is a 95% chance he will forget this but I can't call up the stairs without waking the baby. And I'm thirsty. This little stuff just adds up when you have kids and there are 100 more things to do and you just want someone to take care of you. I'm sure my husband has 100 things like this he could list about me too. It's tiring.

I agree with adjusting your expectations.

YES! I think that's the hardest part sometimes too - I take care of DD, I take care of the dog and myself and do a lot to help H out. It's not that i need to be taken care of all of the time, but man it would be nice to be taken care of without having to ask for help every now and then!

At some point I told H that I feel like I take care of Us, and he takes care of him. And I don't want him to take care of me, but if he expects me to not be a total frazzled and short-tempered mess, I need more fucking help. Not because I can't do it all, but because a spouse is supposed to be a partner! H works a lot more than me, so I just took on *everything*, with the mindset that this was just how it has to be. But it doesn't! It took a really shitty day/fight, but we've found little things H can do -- do more on the weekend to take some burden off during the week, do bedtime even just once a week. They're not earth-shattering, and I still do the lion's share of kid care, but I feel a LOT happier in my home life. I feel happy to be home again rather than constantly edgy and riled up.

[mala]

Dec 12, 2016 21:20:27 GMT -5 dropitlikeitshott said:

Dec 12, 2016 20:02:17 GMT -5 mala said:

Totally normal. My husband is a medic & FF, and works a 24/72 normally,, with often 48 hour shifts. It's a total mindfuck because it's so hard to get into a routine when it always changes. Talking about it honestly helps, H and I had some really rough conversations about what I needed from him as a partner, and he needed me to tell him plainly what I needed, like needing him to make dinner, or do the shopping, or step it up on the dishes. I felt like he was coming home and sitting on the computer rather than pulling his weight around the house and with the kid. I also realized I had to stop acting like he was useless, realize he does do his share around the house, and I needed to stop acting like he wasn't. We also worked out that I got a "me" day every week. I go to the coffee house, lunch by myself, and do any errands (like the grocery store) entirely on my own. I bring a book, laptop, or my knitting with me. I go any Tuesday that he's home (and if he's not home and I still feel really stressed I'll go a different day instead). Going out alone helped save my sanity, I swear.

It's so hard with their schedule. DH works 24/48 for our city (his main job), plus at a part time station, and at a gym. I never know when he is coming and going.

I think the lack of routine with his job does make it worse. We had a fight about the dishwasher the other day. I always unload while DS is eating and before I take DS out of his chair I make sure the kitchend is clean. It's our routine, dh says he'll take care of the kitchen and leaves all the breakfast stuff until after lunch because he needs to unload. It made me so mad.

I am going to suggest a day out when he is home. I sell stuff online as a hobby/pocket money, so that would be a good reason to leave.

This got venty, sorry, I obviously needed to get it out.

Seriously, H also works part time at another station, and they are short staffed (considerably) at his full time station, so I really can't count on him anymore to be home.  I tell him when I absolutely need him to be home, and he hasn't let me down yet, but it gets so hard. We keep our google calendar really current with everything, even the small things, that we have planned in advance. That helps a lot because we can both look instantly and see what is going on. When I show my calendar to other people they tend to really overreact because it looks really  busy. It's really not so bad, but we both put every little thing in the ca lender so it looks worse than it is.  Can your H give up something, because three jobs is seriously a lot. My H is down to 1 day a month at his part time station (and they're not happy about it but he just doesn't have any more time to give).

I feel like so few people in my life actually understand just how it is being the spouse with small children of someone who works that kid of schedule. I work part time (B is in daycare three days a week), and I was lamenting at work about how I didn't have enough time to get stuff done. My coworker told me I should come in on my day off to take care of it. AYFKM. I already work all the weekends H is home. Getting in during the week when I don't have daycare isn't going to happen. I about (metaphorical) killed her on the spot.

If you need to vent/talk to someone who understands feel free to PM me anytime, or tag me in a post.

[mala]

Also, I realized that his schedule shouldn't be work at the firehouse, then come home and do nothing. It should be work at the firehouse, then come home and be a partner. That yeah, I should be doing 100% of the work & child care when he's at the firehouse, but then it needs to be 50/50 when he gets home. It was actually really hard to come to grips with that because I felt like the home and kid were my job. But I deserve to have it 50/50 when he's home. I was a SAHM until B was 2, now I work part time and there are just some things that don't get done around the house anymore. And that's totally ok with me.

[speckledfrog]

Dec 12, 2016 20:07:54 GMT -5 Elsa said:

Dec 12, 2016 19:51:40 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

It sounds to me adjusting your expectations would be really helpful. I've struggled with this and am currently working with a counselor on how to enjoy my life more and this was one of the first things she suggested. My expectations of myself are too high. I'm very task oriented When things go wrong it's a catastrophe. I feel like I need to do it all either myself or my way. Between bringing things down to a more reasonable level (He did the laundry wrong, now everything is ruined --> I wish he had done things differently, but I can do X or Y about it) and really making time for some self-care, it has made a world of difference.

I need this. I think it might make a big difference in my life. Is it helping you?

Yes,  it's helping immensely.  I increased my AD and then started seeing her.  Some of the things she says are like  "Duh, why didn't I think  of that" but it's been really good for me. I was at a point where  I just wasn't functioning well (bitchy all  the time, not enjoying SAH, withdrawing from my friends, feeling overwhelmed) and I feel like I am more in control of my emotions and reactions.

At one point I was telling her about some areas of my life that were stressing me out and she asked in what other areas I have high/unrealistic expectations and I responded that those were the only two examples I could think of.   Later that week I realized that the must be the best, the most organized, the fastest, the most efficient, etc approach infiltrates nearly every aspect of my life.  Like, I couldn't choose a blender because  I wanted to get the best blender but the reviews of this one or that one was mixed and what if it broke or if I didn't like it or or or.  Just buy a damn blender,  lady!  At my next appointment I told her my revelation and said that I know it's not inherently a bad trait, so when does it become an issue?  She asked me the same question back and  my answer was "When you wind up in therapy?"  lol  But, yes, the combination of helping  my manage expectations and  the insistence that  I find ways to take care of  myself because I deserve that time (vs I should do it because it makes me a better mom/partner) has been great.
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