Post by starryfish on Dec 14, 2016 23:32:27 GMT -5
I am a member of a big community church. Been there for 8 years and volunteer there for as long as well. We do small group at my church to help minister to each other's but also have a full time minister that visits members in hospitals. Less then half the church are actual members. Purpose of small group is like bible study and to take care of each other.
I was in the hospital for 2 weeks (prior to being induced) and then was induced early due to severe preeclampsia and it ended in emergency c section (4 week early baby). While in hospital no one from my small group visited and the minister didn't either. I only had a handful of texts from my small group leader (she also works for the church).
I am extremely disappointed that no one from my small group visited or the minister that does visit hospitals didn't visit either. Am I being unrealistic with my expectations? My small group leader found out I was upset and said I should have asked for them to come visit which is crazy to me. I want them to come visit only if they want to, ya know?
I'm trying to figure out how upset a normal person would be bc I'm really tempted to drop the small group and potentially the church.
Totally get being upset given how involved you are. But I do think it's typical for ministers to the sick not to visit people who just gave birth. I do think they should've contacted you though to check in and see how you were doing. At our church, which sounds similar to yours, the policy is to ask the sick person ( or family representative if the person isn't well enough to talk) if they want a visit. It's a bit much to expect a person in the hospital to call and ask for a visit. I don't think it's best practice to just show up unannounced either though as many people don't want visitors, esp new moms. If your church's policy is that sick people make requests then I would either ask them to rethink that or advertise it better since you are involved but still didn't know.
How were were people in your small group supposed to know that you wanted visitors?
Not everyone wants visitors when they don't feel well.
They could have at least offered? Now they want to come visit me now that I'm home with the baby.
Look, it's obvious that you wanted them to be more supportive of you at this time. I totally hear that. And to you, that support looked like them coming to visit and checking in more often.
I think you are more likely to get what you want if you tell people. 'hi small group, I'm in the hospital for x reason. If you're up for a visit, between x and y time of day is good. I'd love to see you!'
They can't read your mind, and this is the type of situation where different people want different things, so it's easy for people to wrongly assume. They might have, for example, known you might have to be induced at any time for pre-e and therefore wanted to give you privacy.
Our church is set up similarly and I see people falling through the cracks like you have and it frustrates me to no end. I see other people getting what fees like an unfair amount of attention and that pisses me off too. All that being said I try and reach out when I am able but I know I'm only one person and I don't k ow everyone in our church (by a long shot...). I would feel hurt in your shoes. But I also don't think there's anything that can be done to fix it. It's just a sad reality of large churches and not everybody cares as much as you do
Thanks. I know im emotional right now but I thought the whole purpose of small group was so people wouldn't slip through the cracks. Sigh. My DH went to this church bc of me, but maybe we would do better at a smaller church.
If it helps, I was hospitalized 5x for PTL and no one visited me. My mom was the pastor too and even she didn't visit!
I have a theory about this and I think it's that people view all childbirth-related issues as a family event, not a sickness.
ETA: I still think someone from the church should've contacted you to see how you were doing. But I also get small group people defaulting to "she's about to give birth so let's give her privacy."
If it helps, I was hospitalized 5x for PTL and no one visited me. My mom was the pastor too and even she didn't visit!
I have a theory about this and I think it's that people view all childbirth-related issues as a family event, not a sickness.
ETA: I still think someone from the church should've contacted you to see how you were doing. But I also get small group people defaulting to "she's about to give birth so let's give her privacy."
Someone did contact me. It's just that normally this is not how it works at my church with other people and groups I have been in (people visit, send flowers, etc).
Post by longtimenopost on Dec 15, 2016 0:20:16 GMT -5
I would've been upset. I don't accept that people have an excuse because it was childbirth related. You were in the hospital in a scary situation and you needed support. You shouldn't have had to ask.
If you want to stay in the group you probably need to let it go, but you have every right to take some time first.
Post by scribellesam on Dec 15, 2016 0:22:25 GMT -5
I'm at a community church with a similar small group setup. I think the small group leader dropped the ball here in not finding out if you wanted visitors; and if you did, she should have rallied the troops to encourage people to take the time to visit you or get in touch. As a member of a small group, I am happy to help or visit if it's wanted but as a shy and reserved person I'm unlikely to offer it unsolicited.
We also attend a large church and they only do hospital visits if requested specifically. I wanted them to come visit and say a prayer with us after the boys were born, so I emailed them and said as much and they did.
It's just too hard to keep tabs on that many people at once and I'm sure some people want to be left alone. They aren't mind readers and you do need to express "I would like X/y/z done."
I'm sorry that you're upset about this. I can see both sides. I think people just don't visit others in the hospital like they used to. That doesn't make it right, but I think that's how it is. People are vulnerable in the hospital, and that makes others uncomfortable. I also think people generally assume that hospital visits are kind of reserved for family and really close friends. And I'm not sure how your group is, but I'm in two of these groups. We are really close in some ways, but we're not close friends in a typical sense. They know more about me than the typical person, yet they're not who I will call for a social outing on a weekend. I'd expect at least someone in my groups to reach out, pass messages along, etc., but I wouldn't expect them to come visit me in the hospital unless I asked. (Meals afterwards are basically expected, though.)
I get why you feel that you shouldn't have to ask. And even 15 years ago, I don't think you would have had to. But now, people are so sensitive to respecting privacy and not putting you in the position to say that you don't want them to visit, that I think people are less likely to ask if you're up to visitors. I typically do not visit anyone unless it is specifically stated somewhere that visitors are welcome. FWIW, our church is small, but as a rule, pastors only do hospital visits if requested by the person or family. What generally happens is that the spouse makes the request, not the person who is sick. As a small group leader, it would not be appropriate for me to request a visit from a pastor unless specifically asked.
Anyway, what's done is done. I'm sorry that you are hurt. I most likely would have been, too. But without knowing more of the dynamics of your group, I can't say where I'd go from here. For any future visits, let your H know that you'd like visitors and he can pass that along.
Do what you can to not put any more of what precious little energy you have towards this. Speak up for yourself if you need help with meals or other things if those haven't been offered. Other than that, try to move past this & revisit it when you're out of the newborn fog, if needed.
I understand being upset. I also imagine most people don't really understand the seriousness of complications in pregnancy. They just assume, oh bedrest, OK. She's probably happy relaxing and not having to work vs the reality of being stressed out about you and your baby's lives. I imagine some of that played into it.
That said, I would totally be disappointed too if I joined a group that specifically supports hospitalized people. I mean, I cried when my birthday wasn't remembered in university, because everyone in residence always got a cake on their birthday, except me. Being overlooked is the worst.
Post by minniemouse on Dec 15, 2016 7:58:52 GMT -5
As a catholic, I wouldn't expect anyone at my church to reach out unless we specifically asked. Priests at our church are so busy and short staffed they are not be able to keep track of everyone. Also, I think of their hospital visits being mostly for the terminally ill. In your situation, being on hospital bed rest for 2 weeks, the small group should have called or texted to see if you were up for visitors. They have known you for 8 years and I'm assuming they knew you hadn't given birth yet. I would be upset too. How long ago did you give birth? If you are still in that immediate post partum period I wouldn't make any decisions. Take a break from the church/small group during your maternity leave then decide whether to stay or go somewhere else.
My parents left a church because our pastor didn't even call when my grandmother died. If you don't feel like it's the right place for you, it's ok to move on.
Post by sunshine608 on Dec 15, 2016 8:42:34 GMT -5
I would be upset. IT sounds like you are very involved and I would have expected the at least the minister or even someone to ask.
On The flip side, I also look at the time of year and its around the holidays so people are busy and more preoccupied than normal.
Congrats on your baby and I am sorry that you feel upset. I don't think you are unrealistic at all. My whole perception of the small group is that its purpose it to do stuff exactly like that- support each other in times of need- however that may be.
I'm sorry, they probably should have offered. Did you mention anything in response to the texts? (e.g., I'm bored, this is tough, etc.)? Either way, I understand your disappointment. Perhaps you could use it to improve the group and the church. Maybe wait until the dust settles and say in a non-accusatory way that you felt disappointed you didn't get a visitor and you'd like to prevent others from feeling that way. So create a better schedule or network. KWIM?
For context, when I had DS, the pastor asked to visit me in the hospital (and he did). It was a nice gesture. We were newer to the church so I think they were really trying to make us feel like a part of it. This time, 3 years later, no visit and no offer. It was fine but it would have been nice.
If it helps, I was hospitalized 5x for PTL and no one visited me. My mom was the pastor too and even she didn't visit!
I have a theory about this and I think it's that people view all childbirth-related issues as a family event, not a sickness.
ETA: I still think someone from the church should've contacted you to see how you were doing. But I also get small group people defaulting to "she's about to give birth so let's give her privacy."
Someone did contact me. It's just that normally this is not how it works at my church with other people and groups I have been in (people visit, send flowers, etc).
I know I have to get over it and move on, sigh
I would be upset and you are (IMO) completely justified. It's different but at our synagogue the rabbi would have reached out and asked if you wanted a visit, and if so there would have been both the rabbi and people from the bikur holim (visiting the sick) committee. I was in the hospital for just a weekend once when I was pregnant and I had a visit, never mind 2 weeks. I think it is completely reasonable to tell them you were disappointed and how can we work to make sure no one else has the same experience.
What were your responses when the group leader texted?
Honestly, I would not visit someone in the hospital for any reason unless I was extremely close to them or they asked. So much private/personal things going on in that situation.
starryfish, I am sorry you went through that. I went through the exact same thing (hospital for awhile and then induced due to severe pre-e and a baby at 36 weeks) so I know how you're feeling. It is emotionally so hard to go through all of that, I am with you there. But I do agree that if you wanted people to visit you should've spoken up at some point. Some people are private and don't like visitors (me!), and others couldn't care less. There was no way of them knowing which you were.
I have no experience with this, but also wondering if they are offering any other support now? Like meal train or other offers to help? If not, then I completely understand feeling upset that no one is helping you. I kind of thought that was a big part of being in the church community. It is sad to have supported others and seen others get a lot of support, but then not have them reciprocate for you.
Sounds like you had a difficult end to your pregnancy. I'm sorry, I know how hard that can be emotionally. Congrats and hugs!
I'm sorry that it happened and that you're upset. (hug)
I had a friend leave our childhood church over similar reasons. She got married at 18 and had twins at 19. No one at church helped out in the least. No visits, no offers of food. Nada. This was before we were friends (I was 17 at the time; she was friends with my older sister who was also 19 at the time).
Also, congrats on your baby! I hope you're both doing well.