The hospital I gave birth in was a 90 minute drive from my church. My pastor came, prayed with me and the baby and left. He was there about 15 minutes. Knowing how long the drive was, I had told him in advance he didn't need to come. But in the post-birth rush of hormones and everything else, his visit meant a lot to me. None of our family is nearby and he was my only visitor. It meant a lot. In your situation, I don't think I would be bothered that no one from small group visited. (Although, now that I see you are upset, I will make more of an effort to see if people want to be visited right after a birth). i would be upset if my pastor didn't even reach out. Anyway, when you've just given birth, you kind of get a free pass for a while. If you are hurt, you're hurt. And if you're mad, you're mad. That's totally ok. The trick is to try to not hold onto the negative feelings. Have fun with that baby! It gets better!
Post by undecidedowl on Dec 15, 2016 9:42:52 GMT -5
I would be upset about pretty much everything shortly after dealing with severe preeclampsia, an emergency c section, and having a preemie. Heck, I was a complete mess after my fairly routine deliveries. It's a very trying and emotional time! So, give yourself some space to feel upset.
From an outside perspective, I can see how this might happen if people are (wrongly) assuming that you want privacy, and are treating childbirth different than an illness without thinking of the scary parts of preeclampsia, etc. My recommendation would be to wait until your are out of the newborn fog to make any decisions about leaving the group or the church. And as much as I hate recommending you make yourself more vulnerable during such a tough time, I really think the best thing to do would be to open up to the group about how you felt and what you wish happened instead. Then, based on their response, you can better gauge if this is the right community for you.
My feelings would definitely be hurt - but I am somewhat sensitive and tend to take things personally even when I shouldn't. When my son was born we were in the hospital for a week afterwards due to complications (mine and his), and I remember feeling hurt that more people didn't visit from our small group and church. In hindsight, however, I do believe that people are hesitant to visit in those situations. Putting myself in their shoes, I can see why. It's a difficult time for mom and baby and many people just don't want to add an extra layer of stress by visiting/offering to visit.
It sounds like you are a very kind and giving person, and if tables had been turned you would have done things differently than your group and your minister did. I'm the same way. I have to tell myself that I can't expect others to do what I would do, if that makes sense. I think we are extra sensitive to situations like this because we can't imagine NOT visiting in this scenario - it's just how we are. The fact that others don't think the same way doesn't mean they should be written off. I'm sure these people love and care about you and had good intentions.
Post by jennistarr1 on Dec 15, 2016 11:33:21 GMT -5
So I'm Catholic
But this would be true of our church as well
Many may know that you are sick but it would take an actual request to have the priest visit you.
As far as church members, I would maybe think that a few of them might have visited you as a friend, but as far as just representing the church, I think you the request needed ESPECIALLY if perhaps you didn't want visitors. Requesting a visit is one way of say "It's ok to visit"
I can see why you're upset but when it comes to being in the hospital for pregnancy/childbirth I tend not to visit in hospital unless invited. I also don't usually ask because I don't want to put the new mom/mom to be on the spot and feel like she has to say yes. I will text, call, etc my support but I won't visit unless I know for sure it's wanted.
I think that's a whole different ballgame than someone who is ill or has had surgery.
Post by curbsideprophet on Dec 15, 2016 12:10:31 GMT -5
I would have expected the small group leader to be in contact with you and asking if you needed anything/wanted visitors. They could then pass on the info to other small group members.
I would not expect this at my church. But obviously each church does their own thing. The fact is not one visited or really contacted you when they have done so in the past with other parishioners. So I would feel hurt.
If new mothers normally tell the church their wishes, and you were simply unaware that that is what happened, then I think they should probably just communicate better what to request in hospital situations.
I can see your point, but as someone who is in a similar church with small groups, I would not have wanted them to come visit. Not my minister either. They might have reached out to my husband, but I'm not aware of it. I was even limiting my own family members, so he would have said no to church folk. I don't visit others in the hospital either, but do reach out to see if visitation is desired once they are home.
As someone said, the birth of a child is often seen as a family event, not an illness. And so many moms, myself included, don't want visitors in the hospital surrounding the birth of a baby. I can see it not being standard to visit new moms in the hospital.
Fwiw, I'm a nursery nurse working on the maternity floor. I rarely see clergy (that I know of) . On Sundays, a nun will visit to give Eucharist to the Catholic patients and that's the extent of clergy that I see. Also, I wish more people would limit their visitors. I so often see new moms who are exhausted and trying to learn how to breastfeed and maybe get a couple hours' nap between feedings, but they can't because of all the visitors.
I'm going to play armchair psychiatrist for a minute, sorry I get that you're upset and I'm sorry that you feel like your group let you down. However my guess is that if you really thing about it, you're probably feeling very down about the whole experience of being in the hospital and having an emergency c/s delivery and a late term preemie and being angry about them not visiting is your way of dealing with it. And you're totally allowed to mourn your experience and you should! But as someone who has spent a lot of time on bed rest in the hospital and had a preemie, people are really weird about visiting hospital for pregnancy related stuff (other than birth). I don't know why it is, but it seems to be true. I would try to let your small group know what you need from them now and down the line maybe you can let them know what you expected so that everyone can talk about it and make sure they support the next member in a better way. Hugs!
Post by starryfish on Dec 15, 2016 14:58:34 GMT -5
Thanks all. I appreciate the different perspectives. I wanted visitors before the birth when I was bored in the hospital. After the birth I really don't want any as recovery and being a new mom is overwhelming.
Yes they have now offered the meal train but we have family with us for the next 3 weeks.
I guess I know what is "normal" at my church and I know what we received was not that.
I will definitely wait in making any decisions until later.
I can see your point, but as someone who is in a similar church with small groups, I would not have wanted them to come visit. Not my minister either. They might have reached out to my husband, but I'm not aware of it. I was even limiting my own family members, so he would have said no to church folk. I don't visit others in the hospital either, but do reach out to see if visitation is desired once they are home.
As someone said, the birth of a child is often seen as a family event, not an illness. And so many moms, myself included, don't want visitors in the hospital surrounding the birth of a baby. I can see it not being standard to visit new moms in the hospital.
Fwiw, I'm a nursery nurse working on the maternity floor. I rarely see clergy (that I know of) . On Sundays, a nun will visit to give Eucharist to the Catholic patients and that's the extent of clergy that I see. Also, I wish more people would limit their visitors. I so often see new moms who are exhausted and trying to learn how to breastfeed and maybe get a couple hours' nap between feedings, but they can't because of all the visitors.
I wanted visitors before when I was bored in the antepartum unit. I'm definitely getting a lot of visitor requests now and I don't want them lol. I'm exhausted now ;-)
I can see your point, but as someone who is in a similar church with small groups, I would not have wanted them to come visit. Not my minister either. They might have reached out to my husband, but I'm not aware of it. I was even limiting my own family members, so he would have said no to church folk. I don't visit others in the hospital either, but do reach out to see if visitation is desired once they are home.
As someone said, the birth of a child is often seen as a family event, not an illness. And so many moms, myself included, don't want visitors in the hospital surrounding the birth of a baby. I can see it not being standard to visit new moms in the hospital.
Fwiw, I'm a nursery nurse working on the maternity floor. I rarely see clergy (that I know of) . On Sundays, a nun will visit to give Eucharist to the Catholic patients and that's the extent of clergy that I see. Also, I wish more people would limit their visitors. I so often see new moms who are exhausted and trying to learn how to breastfeed and maybe get a couple hours' nap between feedings, but they can't because of all the visitors.
I wanted visitors before when I was bored in the antepartum unit. I'm definitely getting a lot of visitor requests now and I don't want them lol. I'm exhausted now ;-)
Yes they have now offered the meal train but we have family with us for the next 3 weeks.
Congratulations on the baby! I hope you're both doing well now.
If it's not too late, I would take them up on the meal train and freeze the food! You might not need it right now, and you might by annoyed with them, but you're only hurting yourself if you don't take the help that's offered.
I would be very hurt if nobody came to visit me. My church is a huuuuuuge Catholic church. I belong to 2 small groups and am a religion teacher. If nobody asked what I needed or reached out and offered to visit I'd be very upset- not enough to leave the religion, but enough to question the small groups I'd been involved in.
If they're offering a meal train, there's no reason not to accept meals after your family leaves! I had two different circles of friends want to deliver meals to me. One covered the first week or two. The next group (my Bible Study group) started about 3 weeks. I felt a little silly at first, but they insisted. As it turned out, I was admitted to the hospital and had surgery just before he turned 3 weeks old, so those meals came in VERY handy!
A free, warm meal made with love is always good! Definitely accept the offer...it also shows them that you appreciate the gesture and their support.
I'm a pastor. If someone in my congregation is in the hospital I visit end of conversation. I think you have a right to be upset and I'm sorry you felt let down by your community.
I would be upset with both your minister and small group.
One of our rectors visited us hours after ds2 was born. He didn't call, just showed up and while I didn't want visitors he was the exception and we were really touched that he did it. We also received a call from our small group and they brought over flowers, a meal, and sent a card even though we had told them we didn't need anything.
The pp period is rough so it meant a lot when people did things for us like that. Esp when there wasn't a ton of back and forth over it, like trying to figure out dates for someone to deliver a meal. I know many people may not like that approach, but it worked for us.
I guess I know what is "normal" at my church and I know what we received was not that.
I will definitely wait in making any decisions until later.
This would bother me so much and I don't know if I could get past it. I would get mad all over again in the future when someone else needs help and they get the "normal" help. And I'd have a hard time graciously helping others knowing they didn't value me enough to do the same. I'm not recommending that because I know it's petty to feel this way but I'm always the one that's overlooked and it hurts.
It's wise to wait and I hope you are at peace when you do make a decision. And I don't blame you for not wanting them to come now. Their visit now won't be helpful, just exhausting having to entertain on top of caring for a new baby. When my group does meal trains there is never a visit involved, we literally drop the food and go - sometimes in a cooler on the porch! Congratulations on the baby - get some rest and take care of yourself!!!
I guess I know what is "normal" at my church and I know what we received was not that.
I will definitely wait in making any decisions until later.
This would bother me so much and I don't know if I could get past it. I would get mad all over again in the future when someone else needs help and they get the "normal" help. And I'd have a hard time graciously helping others knowing they didn't value me enough to do the same. I'm not recommending that because I know it's petty to feel this way but I'm always the one that's overlooked and it hurts.
It's wise to wait and I hope you are at peace when you do make a decision. And I don't blame you for not wanting them to come now. Their visit now won't be helpful, just exhausting having to entertain on top of caring for a new baby. When my group does meal trains there is never a visit involved, we literally drop the food and go - sometimes in a cooler on the porch! Congratulations on the baby - get some rest and take care of yourself!!!
Thank you. This is definitely what I am struggling with. I think we will stick it out with our current small group, but when it ends, I think it's time to look at another one or another place.
((hugs)). I'm sorry and I get it. We left two churches where we were pretty heavily involved after they showed a complete lack of regard for us during difficult times. Not a single person followed up with us after we left; not a pastor (one pastor was a groomsman in our wedding...), not small groups, not any one from the outreach ministries we were a part of. It was eye opening and I haven't been back in a church in over two years.
That said, definitely give this some time, talk with people at church about it when you have calmed down and see what their response is. Take them up on the food train offers once your family leaves. If it's time to move on in a few months, do so.
starryfish. I'm sorry that your church and small group let you down when you could have used their support. I think even though you were ill, most lay people would think because it was baby related, you may have wanted to be the one reaching out to tell people they could come.
I also had awful pre-e, extended hospital stay, emergency c-section, and premature delivery. I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience. Sending you hugs and congrat on your baby!
Post by newnamesameperson on Dec 16, 2016 23:22:12 GMT -5
I would be upset. I'm so surprised at some of the responses. The small group could have called, started the meal train adapt during those initial 2 weeks. We're constantly preaching how everyone needs to support new mothers, and to me there was no support.
I would be upset. I'm so surprised at some of the responses. The small group could have called, started the meal train adapt during those initial 2 weeks. We're constantly preaching how everyone needs to support new mothers, and to me there was no support.
Thank you! The meal train would have been much more helpful the first two weeks as I was stuck with hospital food or my DH bringing me food. A lot of the time he wouldn't leave me to go get food for himself. Visitors would have been much better the first two weeks too (when I was in antepartum unit).
Now I'm getting the requests for visitors and help when we don't "need" them as much now as we would have before. And honestly I'm shocked how many people have wanted to visit us the first day we got home from the hospital. I was barely surviving then. I'm still not quite ready for visitors yet (baby is 5 days old). Obviously I learned a lot through this experience as well being a first time mom.
And having had a similar experience, I found I was more annoyed when people wanted to come visit after my son was home.
It almost felt like they wanted to completely ignore the "tough times" (my hospital stay, scary emergency preemie delivery, NICU stay, etc) and then just wanted to fuss over a cute little baby.
Which I didn't want - because preemie, germs, flu/RSV season, etc.
My son is over a year old now and I still hold a special place in my heart for the people that DID come visit while I was hospitalized and then when he was in the NICU. To me? They were the ones there to truly support us.
Yes they have now offered the meal train but we have family with us for the next 3 weeks.
Congratulations on the baby! I hope you're both doing well now.
If it's not too late, I would take them up on the meal train and freeze the food! You might not need it right now, and you might by annoyed with them, but you're only hurting yourself if you don't take the help that's offered.
My mom came when my DS was born (and in NICU for 4 days). She made enough food to last for 2 weeks. My small group asked me when I'd like food and started bring it at week 2. Maybe your small group would do that? My freezer is tiny so I didn't have the room to store all that food at once so it worked out great. Also, I felt a little more up for company by week 2 as well.
I wouldn't be upset with the church. But I would reconsider the small group and possibly try another. January is prime time for switching groups. I'm looking to do the same because my current group this year doesn't feel like a good fit. And the group leader is a pastor! I thought the group would be awesome... but it's not.
The older I get, the more I advocate for what I want / need. Years back when I first joined a small group I was open with telling friends I didn't want hospital visitors after surgery. It was a hike into the city and I was on bed rest. I just wasn't comfortable so I was politely blunt.
When I gave birth, I wish I had posted something on FB along the lines of "text or call if you would like to visit!" I was in the hospital for 5 days and had practically no visitors. That did make me sad. But then I think about my own actions and realize that I only visit very, very close friends in the hospital.
DS has a bone marrow biopsy this week, and a few days ago the youth pastor from our church came to our home for a visit. That was really touching, and made us feel cared for. The youth minister from his Lutheran preschool has also actively been in touch with us on days we've had to go up to the hospital for procedures and tests. He's said to let us know if we want him to come up and be with us at any of the visits. I've really positioned ourselves to be surrounded by communities (current church and preschool) who rally behind those going through difficult times because we have very little family support. That includes sharing many details with these people so they can get a sense of what it's like to be in our shoes. If I receive a message or text from one of them, I'm sure to be transparent. Otherwise they may stop reaching out if they think we're coping ok.
One of the class moms from DS's school has reached out a few times saying "let me know if there's anything you need". You have to jump on those offerings because most people are serious when they say it - and unsure what to offer up for help. For our family, having her share with the other moms in passing that we were facing some big stuff really helped break the ice for me. But I had to take her up on her offer and be specific.
I would caution you against walking away from this experience (and church) with a bad taste in your mouth. Don't discount the church entirely. I do find it true that when you're on a maternity or L&D wing you seem to receive less attention because people feel you may need more privacy.
I also remember texting a friend when I was home with my newborn and saying "I have no lunch food, nothing easy to eat, I need help". A few hours later another member from my small group was on our steps with groceries. It can feel uncomfortable to be specific and ask, but people really do want help when they know what you need.
Post by belovedbride07 on Dec 17, 2016 11:54:44 GMT -5
That would have upset me, too, and my somewhat similar experience has me reconsidering my church as well. I didn't want hospital visitors, but once we were home only one person from church visited. She asked if she could spread the word that we were open to visitors and I said yes, but no one ever reached out. It's hard because we really felt like we had our "village," which was important to us because we don't have local family, but then once the babies were here we were (and are) just so alone in this.
But I will also say that what ijack posted really resonated with me -- I know that is a big part of why I feel how I do.
ETA: And CloudBee 's post resonates with me as well. I know that if I had a specific need I *could* call someone and get help, but it's hard for me to not feel embarrassed to do so.
Last Edit: Dec 17, 2016 12:38:14 GMT -5 by belovedbride07
Trying for #3; FET 8/18 -- BFN. Leaving things up to chance for now... After three years, three IVFs, and two FETs, we finally have our miracle babIES!
Our church policy is that if you are interested in a visit by the pastor - you need to let the office know. Being in the hospital is not an automatic piece of information that would be spread without the person's permission. I would assume the same for a small group - not everyone wants visitors.
Some people do not want personal info spread and doing so is a breach of a confidence.