more family drama - wwyd

[dexteroni]

Sept 12, 2012 9:18:53 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

Sept 12, 2012 8:56:36 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Well, your sister moved away too, so you can't really use that as an argument. But you don't need it - it's your family's year, and the plans been in place since last year. That's all the argument you really need.

At least the sister flies back home rather than trying to get the whole family to come to her house.

True! But it's still a similar enough situation.

[Deleted]

Team you. You've had a long term agreement, you need to stick with it.

[atouchofklasse]

Sept 12, 2012 8:19:21 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

he has suggested that maybe he fly down himself at the beginning of the week and I drive down with the dog on the 26th, but I don't want to spend christmas apart from him. Is that unreasonable of me?

I'd do this and wouldn't have a problem with it.

[Deleted]

I'm glad he came around. I am on your side of the issue - I think your solution to go down after Christmas makes the most sense since then everyone will get to see everyone.

I also don't think it is the end of the world to spend Christmas apart, particularly if you are both with family. It would be a different story if someone was sitting at home alone but that's not the case. IMO the holidays are about family - I see my DH every other day of the year (with a few exceptions of course) and we can have our own celebration anytime we want. Both our families live in other states so we cherish the opportunities to see them when we can. Thankfully we seem to be on the same page on that so it isn't an issue (although I had some major guilt last year when DH had to work Christmas eve and drive in to meet my family the next day...but he was completely fine with it).

Glad it worked out for you, holidays don't need to be any more stressful!

[noodleoo]

I'd just have him go on his own if he really wants to. Then it is his decision whether he wants to spend Christmas with you or not. Which it sounds like you did and he agreed that he'd rather spend it with you.

Good job!

[thegooser]

I would have him drive down with the dog and have you fly down, first of all. Since it's to see his family.

Secondly, since he seems to need a break from your family, I'd give it to him and go see my family by myself this year. I'd fly down on the 26th. I'd do that regardless of whether he concedes, to be honest. I wouldn't want to listen to my husband bitch or even know he was secretly having a bad time because he's on family overload. I'd rather have him miss me and wish we were together than have him more deeply resent my family.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 8:13:09 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

I think the schedule is the schedule. If he wants to change the schedule, it needs to happen way earlier in the year, before other people have made flight reservations.

I would tell him you guys can go to t-day at his brothers, but that the Xmas trip with your fan has been on the books, and it is rude and selfish (or whatever words he is using) to change that. But being the unselfish person you are, you are willing to compromise by going down the day after Xmas or whatever.

I agree with this response the most. Plus your reasons for wanting to stay are very valid. I'm sorry he had a miserable week earlier - that can buy him a free pass on the next one week family trip to somewhere on a non-major holiday.

[LoveTrains]

Sept 12, 2012 11:23:04 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I would have him drive down with the dog and have you fly down, first of all. Since it's to see his family.

His family lives in Durham, can one even fly there? Or do you have to fly to Charlotte or some such?

I was planning on driving down to my family on Sat before xmas wiht Dog. My H was going to take the train to my family's house on xmas eve evening as he has to work on xmas eve. So it doesn't really work for him to drive down there with my dog from our house. My family lives about a six hour drive away. We normally take the train (4 hours) unless we have to bring the dog. The dog cannot go on a train or a plane.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 12:04:25 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

His family lives in Durham, can one even fly there? Or do you have to fly to Charlotte or some such?

Raleigh Durham International Airport is a major NC airport, so yes, you can fly there.

[Deleted]

I'm clearly the minority but I'm Team DH. You had an extra week with your family this year. Circumstances have changed so the system may need to change too and not always be an exact flip flop every year. I'd go to NC and make it clear next year we do Christmas with my family.

[LoveTrains]

Sept 12, 2012 13:05:29 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

I'm clearly the minority but I'm Team DH. You had an extra week with your family this year. Circumstances have changed so the system may need to change too and not always be an exact flip flop every year. I'd go to NC and make it clear next year we do Christmas with my family.

Next year I won't want to do christmas with my family, because my sister and niece, plus my cousins, aunt and uncle, will not be there. So christmas with my family next year does not provide an equal experience to christmas with my family, this year.

That is part of the whole every other year thing. On the years that we do christmas with my H's family, so does my sister and my aunts, uncles & cousins. So if I did christmas with my family next year, it would just be me, H and my parents. This year the family gathering involves my sister, her daughter & husband, my parents, my brother, my aunt, uncle, cousin, her husband & daughter, and my other two cousins.

[aurora]

This is a tough situation, and of the options available DH and I would probably split up for Christmas (just this year) so I could see my extended family and he could have the time with his. That's not to say it would be right for everyone, but for the two of us I think that would be the best solution.

I do have to say I agree with ECB that it's not always smart to be super-rigid about the plans for all future years. DH and I have a 3-year Christmas rotation, so we only see individual families once every 3 years on Christmas day. We've been lucky thus far that we were the first in our families to get married so everyone else was always conveniently where we were going when we expected, but we fully expect now that his sister has a child that things will become more difficult and we will have to adapt our plans in the future.

I did grow up celebrating Christmas on multiple dates with different parts of the family, so maybe this is why to me the specific day of Dec. 25 isn't quite as important.

[Deleted]

Sometimes when you are married you don't get to do every single thing you want to do with your own family. Team DH.

[Deleted]

PS DH and I are from different states and have parents in 3 locations so I am clear about the sacrifices that come with rotating holidays, etc.

[sprky79]

You do not upset a system that has worked for ten years through marriages, kids, etc. becuase one guy gets grumpy one time. No you do not.

He sticks with the plan :-)

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 16:15:43 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Sometimes when you are married you don't get to do every single thing you want to do with your own family. Team DH.

Why does that work in his favor and not hers? The exact same thing could be said to him.

[Deleted]

I would just split up for the holidays. If you want to be with your family, go be with your family. If he wants to be with his, he can be with his.

But I'm not sentimental about "holidays." My thinking is that I see my husband nearly every day the rest of the year, so what's the big deal about being apart for a little while?

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 16:17:57 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Sept 12, 2012 16:15:43 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Sometimes when you are married you don't get to do every single thing you want to do with your own family. Team DH.

Why does that work in his favor and not hers? The exact same thing could be said to him.

Cause they spent an entire week in a cabin with her family and a screaming baby? I don't know - I felt like he did his in-law duty for the year. haha.

[Deleted]

I like miso's advice.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 16:23:20 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Sept 12, 2012 16:17:57 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Why does that work in his favor and not hers? The exact same thing could be said to him.

Cause they spent an entire week in a cabin with her family and a screaming baby? I don't know - I felt like he did his in-law duty for the year. haha.

LOL

I don't disagree with that. And I'd probably feel the same as him. But, for us holidays are a special family thing, so that's why he can't use random week as an out from holidays. Just a future random week.

I'm really on the side that says if he doesn't want to be with OP's family for Christmas that's fine, but he's going on his own to his family. I'm not going to miss my family's big Christmas three years in a row or ask everyone to change their plans now. If the rotation no longer works I'd let everyone know that things will be different starting 2013 and this is the last big Christmas to expect us at.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 16:17:30 GMT -5 @sprky79 said:

You do not upset a system that has worked for ten years through marriages, kids, etc. becuase one guy gets grumpy one time. No you do not.

He sticks with the plan :-)

Meh. Things have changed. It worked for 10 years and now it doesn't. That's just life.

Honestly, I feel like the husband put in a miserable week with her family and should get to go to NC if he wants to. OP can decide which is more important to her - go with him so they can be together or spend Xmas with her family and join him in NC the next day...neither of which is the end of the world.

"We're doing this because we've always done it this way," just isn't a persuasive argument to me.

[LoveTrains]

Sept 12, 2012 16:23:20 GMT -5 @sirsleepsalot said:

Sept 12, 2012 16:17:57 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

Why does that work in his favor and not hers? The exact same thing could be said to him.

Cause they spent an entire week in a cabin with her family and a screaming baby? I don't know - I felt like he did his in-law duty for the year. haha.

Well, we had our own rental car and pretty much left every day during the dya to do something just the two of us. So i got shit from my family for not putting in enough face time while out there, and then shit from H about colic-y baby.

That is why I have decided that we will never do a trip like that again. I will just go visit my family by myself, because it was too stressful dealing/managing H. And I am only asking him to do less than 36 hours at christmas!

[livinitup]

Miso has the right idea.

I just don't get your Dh's position that you're not being "flexible" if you don't do exactly what he wants. Maybe I'm framing that wrong but a suckie week-long vacation in Seattle bc of a crying baby doesn't seem to neccesitate a whole week-long vacation with his family - over a holiday designated for your folks.

I'm all for what ECB says is an one-timer - if that even applies. You can change plans or even "the schedule". But I'm getting a weird vibe from your post - that it's meaner or more hurtful than a scheduling conflict.

I think you've done the right thing by stepping back and assessing your options - but really, he put you in a no-win position.

[LoveTrains]

This is like the only thing that H and I ever argue about. I have posted about this before. I think I even posted about this before our trip this summer. He never wants to do anything with my family. He complains about it and he hates them, for what I think is no apparent reason. My sister is legitimately challenging to deal with - but my parents are just bookish and nerdy and introverted, which is just a stark contrast to H's family.

We do stuff with H's family all the time b/c they only live two hours away. My parents live about a 5 hour drive away and he says it is too far so he never wants to visit. We only go once a year - at either christmas or Thanksgiving, depending on the above schedule.

But yeah, we have been married for almost six years and this is really our only major issue.

[dexteroni]

Sept 12, 2012 21:36:04 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

This is like the only thing that H and I ever argue about. I have posted about this before. I think I even posted about this before our trip this summer. He never wants to do anything with my family. He complains about it and he hates them, for what I think is no apparent reason. My sister is legitimately challenging to deal with - but my parents are just bookish and nerdy and introverted, which is just a stark contrast to H's family.

We do stuff with H's family all the time b/c they only live two hours away. My parents live about a 5 hour drive away and he says it is too far so he never wants to visit. We only go once a year - at either christmas or Thanksgiving, depending on the above schedule.

But yeah, we have been married for almost six years and this is really our only major issue.

Oh man. Now I think it's even more important that you hold your ground, because I would worry that he's going to try to get out of your family's holiday every year. I would strike a deal that he doesn't have to visit with them if he doesn't want to *except* at the holidays. He can skip the family vacations and any random visits throughout the year, but Thanksgiving and Christmas are non-negotiable. He can put on his big boy pants and deal with one visit per year.

[starlily]

Sept 12, 2012 22:15:42 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Sept 12, 2012 21:36:04 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

This is like the only thing that H and I ever argue about. I have posted about this before. I think I even posted about this before our trip this summer. He never wants to do anything with my family. He complains about it and he hates them, for what I think is no apparent reason. My sister is legitimately challenging to deal with - but my parents are just bookish and nerdy and introverted, which is just a stark contrast to H's family.

We do stuff with H's family all the time b/c they only live two hours away. My parents live about a 5 hour drive away and he says it is too far so he never wants to visit. We only go once a year - at either christmas or Thanksgiving, depending on the above schedule.

But yeah, we have been married for almost six years and this is really our only major issue.

Oh man. Now I think it's even more important that you hold your ground, because I would worry that he's going to try to get out of your family's holiday every year. I would strike a deal that he doesn't have to visit with them if he doesn't want to *except* at the holidays. He can skip the family vacations and any random visits throughout the year, but Thanksgiving and Christmas are non-negotiable. He can put on his big boy pants and deal with one visit per year.

This seems like a reasonable suggestion to me.

[ECB]

I have to ask - have you ever refused to go see his family? If so, what was his reaction?

[dochas]

I'm glad you are not driving from NJ to NC by yourself!

[LoveTrains]

Sept 13, 2012 5:53:56 GMT -5 ECB said:

I have to ask - have you ever refused to go see his family? If so, what was his reaction?

Now I wonder how long until counseling is suggested...

No, I have never refused to go see his family. In fact, one year he didn't event want to go to his family for Thanksgiving - and it was their year - so I made Tday dinner for the two of us in our house, just the two of us.

I get along great with his parents and siblings. In fact I am closer to his sister than I am to my sister.

[ECB]

Sept 13, 2012 7:22:19 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Sept 13, 2012 5:53:56 GMT -5 ECB said:

I have to ask - have you ever refused to go see his family? If so, what was his reaction?

Now I wonder how long until counseling is suggested...

No. I would just be curious as to what his reaction would be! It goes back to the tables being turned aspect of this.

And I say this from a perspective of where my IL's annoy me. To no end. But they annoy DH too, so I'm not alone in it. BUT as they are his parents, there are things that he'll want to go along w/ in regards to them. I so, so, SO want to say "no" just because I know how it's all going to play out. But I absolutely put myself in the position of "what if this were MY parents - how would I feel if he said no?". And I sometimes change my response based on this.

That's why I ask!