Post by LoveTrains on Sept 12, 2012 8:04:34 GMT -5
So I don't want to hijack ESF's thread, but now I have my own dramz.
For the past ten years we have done a schedule of thanksgiving with one family and christmas with the other family. This has all worked fine in the past - H is the oldest of his siblings, and I am the middle of three kids.
My sister moved out west, but she dutifully flies out once a year to my parents house with her husband, and this year, my niece, for the appointed holiday. I only see my sister once or twice a year. When we do the holiday at my parents house, my cousins and my aunt and uncle also come, and these are people that I generally only see once or twice a year but that are all very lovely.
This year, H's brother moved to North Carolina and wants his entire family to come down there for christmas. I have offered to H that we can drive down there for NJ with our dog the day after christmas, and we can stay down there for as long as he wants - we have the time off work and its not a big deal at the office.
But H is making a fuss and saying that he wants to go for the entire week and miss out on xmas eve and xmas dinner with my family.
What the hell do I do? He is calling me selfish and saying I am not flexible when it comes ot his family.
He has a bad taste in his mouth right now about my family b/c we went out to seattle for a week this past summer. We rented a house in the Olympics with my sister and my parents, but my niece had colic and cried incessantly, plus my sister got annoyed whenever we tried to do something without her. So my H is pulling the card of we already did a week with your family, so we should do NC.
Post by EloiseWeenie on Sept 12, 2012 8:08:29 GMT -5
When will your sister be visiting? If she's coming several days before Christmas, could your family do the giant family thing early, then head down to NC to do "real" Christmas with H's family?
What does this mean, overall, though for the schedule? Will you go back next year to the regular rotation as it seems your family has worked it out that you all come together on the same year? Or does your DH basically want to permanently change the flip/flop?
If it's just a "this year" thing, I'd go w/ it. Having these arrangements is fine in the big picture, but I always feel there has to be room for an occasional change when the situation warrants it.
If he wants to permanently change it, though, that's unfair because that would laffect your entire family.
I'm still digesting my coffee and probably being thick, but I'm confused.
Is it your family's year to have you and DH for Thanksgiving or Christmas? Like, if you switch every year, which year is this? Or do you mean you always see your family for Christmas and his for Thanksgiving?
And I'll add- he had a bad experience this year. Maybe he needs a little "time away", so to speak. I've gone on a huge group trip w /friends for years. We did it for 4 years in a row and we were all starting to build annoyances that were carrying over from year to year. We took the 5th year off. It gave us ALL the room to breath, take other trips, etc, and when we went again on the 6th year - we were all REALLY excited and there was a renewed energy.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Sept 12, 2012 8:13:09 GMT -5
I think the schedule is the schedule. If he wants to change the schedule, it needs to happen way earlier in the year, before other people have made flight reservations.
I would tell him you guys can go to t-day at his brothers, but that the Xmas trip with your fan has been on the books, and it is rude and selfish (or whatever words he is using) to change that. But being the unselfish person you are, you are willing to compromise by going down the day after Xmas or whatever.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 12, 2012 8:16:02 GMT -5
This is my family's year for christmas, and his family's year for Thanksgiving. I have asked H why we cannot do the whole NC for Thanksgiving, to which he replied that I "wasn't being flexible."
Next year we will flip and do Thanksgiving with my family and Chrstimas with his family.
The reason I don't want to flip this year is because my sister, who I only see 1-2 times a year, is flying out for christmas with my niece. Plus my cousin will be coming with her daughter who is also less than a year old and I have only met once.
If we don't do actual christmas eve and christmas day with my family, i will miss my aunt, uncle & cousins. Since his family will be in NC for a full week, if we go down on wed the 26th we will still have a half week with his entire family.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 12, 2012 8:19:21 GMT -5
he has suggested that maybe he fly down himself at the beginning of the week and I drive down with the dog on the 26th, but I don't want to spend christmas apart from him. Is that unreasonable of me?
Post by badtzmaru22 on Sept 12, 2012 8:20:27 GMT -5
Your update makes things more clear. If it's your family's year for Christmas, I think it would be fine to do as you've suggested and leave for NC after seeing your family. Your H is being unfair wanting Thanksgiving and Christmas- or even if he's willing to switch and have thanksgiving with your family, it's really not the same because not everyone will be there, since they are all planning for Christmas.
he has suggested that maybe he fly down himself at the beginning of the week and I drive down with the dog on the 26th, but I don't want to spend christmas apart from him. Is that unreasonable of me?
Again, though, my question is what does he see for next year? Is this just a "one time special trip" because his brother moved, or does he forsee this as being a permanent change?
If it's a "one off", special circumstance... I might say "O.k. - go" and then go down later.
If you've had a schedule for 10 years, then I say stick to it.
If he truly wants a whole week with his family at Christmas, then I would do it separate. And no I wouldn't want to be apart from DH at Christmas, but it might be better than listening to him whine about it for the 2 days with your family.
I think its your H who is not being flexible. You have offered a solution for him to spend time with his family in NC and he doesn't like it. Its your year to have time with your family AND arrangements have already been made by the people you will see. His family should do NC Xmas next year.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Sept 12, 2012 8:30:26 GMT -5
Personally, I think you're right. And I wouldn't be happy spending Christmas away from my husband either. Maybe if you give him the chance to do Christmas by himself he'll see what an ass he's being.
I agree that he's being unreasonable. It's late in the year for him to make this request, and it would mean that you don't get Christmas with your family til 2014.
I'd send H to be with his family, and stay with my own for Christmas. But I can't say that is the best solution for you.
I'm on your side. Going to NC the day after Christmas is the best solution. He won't make you miss your family, you won't make him miss his. Marriage is about compromise, not "hey we're changing the plan and doing it my way this year and you get the shaft." If he won't agree to going down the day after Christmas, then he's being just as inflexible as he accused you of being.
If he feels he needs more time with his family, he should plan a family vacation for next summer. Changing the long-standing holiday plan is not the way to do it.
This is my family's year for christmas, and his family's year for Thanksgiving. I have asked H why we cannot do the whole NC for Thanksgiving, to which he replied that I "wasn't being flexible."
Next year we will flip and do Thanksgiving with my family and Chrstimas with his family.
The reason I don't want to flip this year is because my sister, who I only see 1-2 times a year, is flying out for christmas with my niece. Plus my cousin will be coming with her daughter who is also less than a year old and I have only met once.
If we don't do actual christmas eve and christmas day with my family, i will miss my aunt, uncle & cousins. Since his family will be in NC for a full week, if we go down on wed the 26th we will still have a half week with his entire family.
I think your plan makes sense. Especially since it is your official turn anyway. Your way you see everyone. His plan you see 50% of the people for half the time. Can you just do Xmas eve with your family, so his family still gets an official Xmas day?
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 12, 2012 8:53:17 GMT -5
H seems to have conceded to my point, now. I kept asking him what his solution was or his strategy, and he couldn't come up with one that wouldn't have us spend actual christmas day apart. Plus it will be easier to make the long drive with TWO people.
No, Brother is probably not making the trip north for the holiday. But that is his issue - he is the one who moved away, IMO.
Well, your sister moved away too, so you can't really use that as an argument. But you don't need it - it's your family's year, and the plans been in place since last year. That's all the argument you really need.
Me again. I will say that I actually don't like his arguement of "we spent one week w/ your family already". That's not fair. The holidays are different/ special. To see your family at anothe rtime of the year shouldn't mean you don't get to see them at the holidays.
On that front, I'm very much on your side.
The devils advocate comes out too, though, on the being rigid about "this is the schedule/ we've done it for 10 years" point.
Switch roles. Let's say your sister has a baby in early December and your family all decides to fly out and spend the holiday w her and meet the new baby. But it's a year to spend w/ his family.
What would your take be then? Would you be cool w/ flying out the day after Christmas? If so, then I see more where you['re coming from. But if not, if you'd want to spend ACTUAL Christmas day w/ them - then I'm just saying try to keep an open mind.
I'm not saying this to say "give in". I'm just giving you something else to think about and what kind of flexibility you'd want from your DH if the roles were reversed.
H seems to have conceded to my point, now. I kept asking him what his solution was or his strategy, and he couldn't come up with one that wouldn't have us spend actual christmas day apart. Plus it will be easier to make the long drive with TWO people.
:Y: It sounds like he learned a grownup lesson today. Those can suck, but I'm glad he came to the rational solution. Good work asking him what his solution would be. That was a good way to show him that the difficulty lies not with you, but with the situation.
No, Brother is probably not making the trip north for the holiday. But that is his issue - he is the one who moved away, IMO.
Well, your sister moved away too, so you can't really use that as an argument. But you don't need it - it's your family's year, and the plans been in place since last year. That's all the argument you really need.
At least the sister flies back home rather than trying to get the whole family to come to her house.