If you've lost a loved one

[RamblingRose]

I voiced it to friends who told me I had done all that I could.

[lilac05]

I'm so sorry.

I haven't lost a parent, so keep that in mind...but in life in general (& with the losses of all of my grandparents and a close cousin), I made a promise to myself in college that I wouldn't allow my thoughts to "go there" in any situation. I just try to not have those in my vocabulary at all. It's not easy, but I just remind myself that none of those things change what happened. I'm sure your dad would not want you thinking those things, either! He was thankful for every call, every visit, and every sweet moment between the two of you. Try not to let the shoulda, woulda, coulda steal those precious moments from you.

[pixy0stix]

Talked to a therapist that knocked it out of me.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss.

[revolution]

My dad passed away about 6 years ago. The first year or so I dealt with it by crying and/or going to his grave and sitting and talking to him there.

I try to remind myself he wouldn't want me to have those thoughts.

It's hard. It is. I'm so sorry you are feeling this. Feel what you need to. Cry when you want to. And sending you lots of peace

[meganew]

It's really hard at first. Really hard. But it does slowly get better. Talking to my grandfather in the car helped- it felt like the only time I was alone and he didn't have a gravesite, so I would just talk to him while I drove.

Your dad knew how much you loved him. He felt it.

[spitforspat]

I talked to my therapist about it.

I said my apologies out loud.

And, I think this one might have helped the most, I realized my mom would've forgiven me. She would've told me I was being silly for worrying about those things. And she wouldn't have wanted me to stress or worry about it. I'm sure your dad would want those things for you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[littlesthobo]

I'm so sorry, Kizmet. My dad died on Feb. 1st, so I'm still feeling pretty raw myself. All I can say is that those feelings are normal, but not to let yourself drown in them. Myself, I've been trying to channel those thoughts into, "okay, what would my Dad want me to do NOW?" And so I've been spending a lot of time making sure that my mom is taken care of. I visit as much as I can (although she lives 4 hours away, so this is tough), call, text, send pictures, make sure she's eating, getting out of the house, etc. Not, like, smothering her...just making sure she has the support that I know my dad would have wanted for her.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[fivechickens]

My mom died 8 years ago. I am not going to lie I still have those thoughts occasionally just not as often as when she first passed.

They would not think that way, they knew we loved them and thought we did enough.

[ilovecandy]

I am lurker but for me it was my grandma she died 10 years ago now. But I was the on who found her. I played there if I a gotten there faster, if I had done this or that she may be alive.

Honestly I didn't handle it well. I ended up going into a bad depression, and I mean bad where if my mother or my best fend hadn't heard from me they would call each other and then since my mom lived 1000 plus miles away my best friend would come over to my place and chexk on me.

I finally went to therapy and that helped. I also talked it with a couple very close friends and I ended up talking about it with my mom. I didn't want to Biden her because it was her mom but she is the one who finally got me to see the light.

I still ocassionally have those thoughts but for the most part I know I did what I could and ultimately even if I had found her earlier there was still no way she would have survived she was 89 and had a brain aneurysm.

[flex]

It's only been 2-1/2 weeks for you. Be gentle on yourself.

In my own personal experiences, I didn't have any "woulda couldas" with DH or with my mom, BUT I did have a dear friend pass away much sooner than was anticipated (he was terminal). I was going to see him at the hospital but I never got around to it, and he died before I could visit him. I was heartsick over my missed opportunity. After that, I swore to myself I would reach out quickly to any sick family members or dear friends because all we have is today.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was talking with my mom a couple of weeks ago and she said the only reason to dwell on the past (and she meant regrets, not savoring happy memories) is to learn from it.

I think you're doing a great job of tying to focus on the times you did call or did visit. You can also channel your feelings into trying to deepen your relationships with others who are important to you.

And give yourself time. It's still early.

[chickadee77]

I dealt with this a bit with my mom - honestly, I try to focus on what I DID do. I was there when I could be there. I talked to her doctors and nurses and helped my dad at home while she was in hospice and he was with her 3+ hours away. Etc., etc., etc. I did what I could in the moment - looking back, could I have done more? Sure! I could have quit college, my jobs, my life - but Mom wouldn't have wanted me to do that.

My H dealt with the same thing (he lost his dad about 5 years ago) and even though he essentially dropped everything and lived in his hometown for about three months, he STILL feels guilty about going out to eat, or going home and having a few beers and not wanting to drive back to the hospital ---

I guess my point is, no matter how much you do, I think it's normal to feel how you're feeling.

Hugs to you. It WILL get better. You're in the dark days - everyone has gone home and it's life as usual for them, but inside you're still crying every time you catch a shadow or hear a footfall and think it might be your dad. It WILL get better.

[Deleted]

You're not alone.  
I have regrets about what I maybe should have done differently with my stepdad especially. Regrets about being a pain in the ass to him as a child when he was so good to me.  A weird guilt of being a health care provider and not being able to cure him somehow from his leukemia which is irrational and ridiculous..I am not God.  The best doctors couldn't save him.  All the money or specialists in the world still haven't cured cancer.

But many of us have these thoughts which are irrational.   I think it's almost like a survivor's guilt of sorts? Maybe that's not the term I'm looking for exactly, but it's the best I can come up with right now.  
I think that you have to listen to those around you, think about the good times and realize that he loved you, he knows you loved him and he was proud of you.  We can't change the past and dwelling on "imperfections" isn't going to bring any good to anyone.  We're human, we're not perfect and it's ok.  
I think it took me about a year, if I'm being honest, to be able to utter my stepdad's name without shedding a tear.  Hugs.  It fucking sucks.  The pain will soften with time.  

[cleo29]

i do with gram. I regretted how I spoke to her when I was a teen. I know she loved me and honestly, I doubt she held it against me. Just wasn't her style. But, man, it still hurts when I look on it.

I think it is natural. But, I also think when that person loves you and knows you love them, they are not holding onto it the way we do or perhaps even think about it.

I think my mom had to work through some of these feelings after my dad died, but like I said, I think it is normal.

Just give yourself time. And repeat over and over, when those thoughts are popping up, that he knew how much you loved him and the rest didn't matter. be kind to yourself.

[Bad Dingo]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My sister had cystic fibrosis and passed away 13 years ago. I have so many regrets, wishing I'd done things differently. (I'm crying now just thinking about it). I don't know if the feeling will ever go away.

[frannyr]

I don't live my life like that. It would tear me down to do so. And it takes a lot of positive thinking and refocusing.

When I've lost someone (i.e. my dad) I focused (and still do 12 years later) on the good memories and how lucky I was to have had him in my life for so long, despite ongoing illnesses for most of my life.

Hang in there sweetie. I know it's cliche but time does heal.

[klassygoosey]

With the loss of three people in my life, I spent years in that mindset. I think anyone who is grieving does. Be kind to yourself. When you think those thoughts, try to think of a positive memory and focus on that for 5 minutes (This was the advice a therapist gave me last year) It really has helped. Hugs. 

[justemily]

I'm so sorry... I dealt with that with my grandma who passed away suddenly 2 years ago. I had tried calling her and couldn't get a hold of her, and she died 2 days later and I regret not trying to call her again

[sapphireblue]

I am sorry, it must be so hard.

When my grandmother died (she was the person I loved most and was closest to in my life), I regretted every time I missed having lunch with her, all of that. I just kept reminding myself that she wouldn't want me to focus on that stuff and that she wasn't the type to dwell on it.

My best friend died a few years ago, I still sometimes get sad thinking about how once I moved 3000 miles away from her, I should have made more of an effort to visit her, or when we did visit, I should have tried harder to take her someplace extra special instead of just hanging out, etc.

I am like you and still remember things I did or said that were many years ago and most likely the other person has completely forgotten, but I just cringe and hate myself for a moment. I try to shrug it off and move on, I guess.

I am so sorry you lost your father though and your rock. It's got to be so sad and hard.

[MixedBerryJam]

I still struggle with a couple of "shoulda"'s. The last night he was in the house an overnight nurse was with him and I felt too modest to sleep in the room with her there so I slept on the couch. I still regret it. But honestly, after the fog of grief wore began to wear off I made a conscious effort, and at the beginning it was nearly a 24-hour-a-day effort, no lie, to focus on GOOD memories. I wanted to replace all those memories of when he was sick, you know? with happy memories. And damned if it didn't work! Now, if you were to tell me, "Think of H" I have a very particular happy image that comes to mind automatically. A yummy one, you might even say. LOL. But it takes effort and time and more effort and more time and then some more time, too. But it will happen. There are still lots of times when my regrets bubble up to the surface, but they are definitely in the minority. Hugs to you and your family.

[MixedBerryJam]

Mar 4, 2017 16:22:23 GMT -5 @kizmet said:

I've always been a bit of a dwell-er on the negative...

I do this, too. A lot. LOL. Maybe that's why it was such an effort to think about the good times. Which actually had a double positive effect, in that it really did help backburner those memories of him at his sickest, baldest (although I loved that bald head of his - he was well into his balding stage when I met him), frailest; AND I got to relive all those happy memories time and time again.

[jigsy]

I'm sorry. My dad passed 2 years ago, and I had a lot of what ifs. They still pop up, even though i know there was really nothing i could do differently.
Therapy, or talking to someone who you trust and will just listen. And be kind to yourself. It's still shop fresh for you - Remember the good moments.

[rightawaynow]

My dad passed two months ago, it hasn't gotten easier yet but it has gotten different. I'm settling into a new normal. I went to my parent's house for the first time this weekend and that was hard, seeing the spot where his tooth brush was, the empty spot where he used to leave his shoes. In the beginning people asked how I was a lot and now they don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in grief. But the good news is some days it is better, I feel things other than grief, I laugh and enjoy things, I talk about good memories of him and they being peace. Some days I bum around in his old clothes. Grief is a process and everything you feel is normal. Talking about him helps, looking at pictures helps. Don't torture yourself with the what ifs, he was your father he knew who you were deep down to soul, trust and believe that he knew everything you think you forgot to tell him.

[11d]

I really like the idea of finding "your place" with him and just going and being. Maybe in the car, the dock, a certain tree, just somewhere you feel a connection. And just talk to him as if he was there. I suspect you know much of what he would say in response, due to your bond.

Lots of big squishy hugs. xoxo

[nicechicken]

Absolutely. Mostly now, after 17 years(I was 14), I grieve that he didn't experience moments with me.

I lost my dad when I was fourteen, H lost his step dad then father shortly after. All I think about sometimes is I wish they were here to tell me what to do.


I'm so sorry. Losing a dad sucks.

Side note, all my father could donate were his corneas. I wish I could have met his receiver(?)

[birdmom]

Mar 5, 2017 21:20:24 GMT -5 @kizmet said:

Found a certificate at my moms from the University of Minnesota that they were able to use my dad's corneas!!!! What!? Weird! It's STRANGE to me that his corneas will be in someone else's eyes and seeing all new things. I always understood organ donation in the abstract but when it is someone you really know it's weird! Makes me happy he could help someone! I figured they wouldn't want anything after all his body went through!!

This is such a blessing, and you don't know what this does for families who depend on it.  My husband lost both parents and two grandparents within 11 months of each other a few years ago.  But FIL had been sick for my husband's whole life and only lived as long as he did because he was able to have transplants (two kidneys and a pancreas throughout the course of his life).  

DH struggles every day still with the loss of his parents.  I'm not sure that will ever go away.  But like you and your DH, it has brought us so much closer together.  

It's so amazing to think that your dad's eyes will help someone see all new things and how that is going to totally change their life!  From a family who benefited from selfless families like yours, thank you for your kindness and generosity.

So, so sorry for your loss.

[sparkythelawyer]

The best advice I was given when my Mom died was to forgive yourself, immediately and completely, for all "I should have done," "If only I had done," "Why didn't I" or any other regret you are hanging on to where losing your Dad is concerned. Everything you did at the time was right and the best you could do at the time. Remember that your Dad loved you dearly and that you loved him and that nothing that happened that day or since then can take an ounce of that away.

And I am so very sorry for your loss.