Have you sat him down and asked him to clarify what he means by this?? That's my advice, because I have no clue what any of that means. I don't understand why he needs you to place expectations/standards on him. Is there more to this story that you can share?
Post by explorer2001 on Sept 12, 2012 22:19:03 GMT -5
Meh. My last bf was really pleased when I basically pulled the "I'll believe it when I see it" line on him. I wasn't meant as a challenge per se. It was more of a that's cool, if you mean it you'll do it and prove it to me with your actions. If you didn't mean it, well I'll never see it in your actions so I won't believe it. He thought it was great that I had ambition and was willing to challenge him to be the person he said he wanted to be and live up to his own potential (or so he said). He didn't actually make the choices and complete the things he said he'd complete. It's part of why he's a former boyfriend.
Maybe he wants you to give him a push, challenge, reinforcement to be his best and he doesn't know how to say it?
I know I appreciate being in a relationship with someone who supports and encourages me to be my best. Part of that for me is celebrating my victories, part is encouraging me to take a leap when I can do it but I'm doubting myself, part of it is kindly and supportively pointing out when I'm being a jerk and wasn't aware of it.
Then again I've been known to have a case of foot in mouth disease (ex. this is a piece of cake so I know you will all understand this *abscure section of the internal revenue code*) Um yeah that's not a piece of cake, I've just dealt with it for so many years it's second nature. It's actually damn hard and I was making people feel bad/stupid by setting it up as easy when it wasn't and then they struggled. Totally valid and appreciated coaching.
I know I appreciate being in a relationship with someone who supports and encourages me to be my best. Part of that for me is celebrating my victories, part is encouraging me to take a leap when I can do it but I'm doubting myself, part of it is kindly and supportively pointing out when I'm being a jerk and wasn't aware of it.
I agree with this, but something about Jade's post just makes me go "huh?". This, above, makes sense. What her BF seems to want doesn't. He seems to want it daily, and almost wants her to point out his flaws. On a regular basis.
It's great that he wants to be pushed or challenged, but at the same time, if it's not broke, why try to fix it? There isn' tanything wrong w/ being happy w/ things (i.e. Jade w/ their relationship) and not needing to find things that are wrong.
I don't know. It's one thing to provide encouragement and support and to push when SHE sees a need to push. but it shouldn't be HER JOB to push him if he can't push himself. I hope that makes sense.
I know I appreciate being in a relationship with someone who supports and encourages me to be my best. Part of that for me is celebrating my victories, part is encouraging me to take a leap when I can do it but I'm doubting myself, part of it is kindly and supportively pointing out when I'm being a jerk and wasn't aware of it.
I agree with this, but something about Jade's post just makes me go "huh?". This, above, makes sense. What her BF seems to want doesn't. He seems to want it daily, and almost wants her to point out his flaws. On a regular basis.
It's great that he wants to be pushed or challenged, but at the same time, if it's not broke, why try to fix it? There isn' tanything wrong w/ being happy w/ things (i.e. Jade w/ their relationship) and not needing to find things that are wrong.
I don't know. It's one thing to provide encouragement and support and to push when SHE sees a need to push. but it shouldn't be HER JOB to push him if he can't push himself. I hope that makes sense.
I agree with all of this. I don't think supporting/encouraging = "give me hoops to jump through". I have never once been in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) where someone needed to challenge me deliberately or set "standards" for me on a regular basis.
I agree with all of this. I don't think supporting/encouraging = "give me hoops to jump through". I have never once been in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) where someone needed to challenge me deliberately or set "standards" for me on a regular basis.
Yeah, I agree with Doris. I've never had someone who needed me to set standards for them. It sounds like he's got issues.
I'm going to add, if he's asking for direction on standards and expectations now, he'll do it throughout the relationship and to be very honest....that sounds EXHAUSTING!
I'm going to add, if he's asking for direction on standards and expectations now, he'll do it throughout the relationship and to be very honest....that sounds EXHAUSTING!
This was another thought I had too. Especially when you don't even understand what the issue is! You definitely can't fix what you don't even know is broken.
I guess I can kind of understand where he is coming from. It sounds like he wants you to support him in his goals, not encouraging him to do the opposite.
I guess I can kind of understand where he is coming from. It sounds like he wants you to support him in his goals, not encouraging him to do the opposite.
This. This, this, and this. While having a partner who loves me just the way I am is amazing, he is also always encouraging me to be all that I can be.
I guess I can kind of understand where he is coming from. It sounds like he wants you to support him in his goals, not encouraging him to do the opposite.
I can see encouraging positive habits/activities, however, it is not your place to say "okay, now you need to go work out" "oh, don't eat that burger" or anything like that. We all slide into that in relationships, but it's not your place to tell him to do x, y or z.
I also don't get the need to have someone demand the best from him.....I expect those in my life to do their best, but the hell if I'm demanding that they give me their all and telling them they need to prove it to me on the regular.
Maybe I'm not explaining it well....but something just seems off with this whole thing. I'm probably projecting because I had to constantly tell XH he was good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, etc and it was draining because I really, honestly, feel people should have enough self worth to not need that constant dialogue from my SO.
I guess I can kind of understand where he is coming from. It sounds like he wants you to support him in his goals, not encouraging him to do the opposite.
Yes elaborate! I guess I just love it when he makes me go for a run when I rather be lazy or makes me prioritize my time so that I put myself and my health first. I know it's not his job to do that but I like having a partner who won't let me give excuses or let me be a lazy. I realize I am not that kind of partner to him. I let him do whatever he wants and sometimes even have the opposite effect b/c I'll be like "oh you're tired? well just stay in bed all day." Obviously, I could motivate him with his goals more that that.
I mean, this is just me, but I was always told it kind of is each partner's job to encourage the other and not let them have excuses. A lot of people need that in their lives, in fact, I'm pretty sure every one has needed that kick in the pants at least once. I'd say your relationship might even be healthier for it.
I can see encouraging positive habits/activities, however, it is not your place to say "okay, now you need to go work out" "oh, don't eat that burger" or anything like that. We all slide into that in relationships, but it's not your place to tell him to do x, y or z.
I also don't get the need to have someone demand the best from him.....I expect those in my life to do their best, but the hell if I'm demanding that they give me their all and telling them they need to prove it to me on the regular.
Maybe I'm not explaining it well....but something just seems off with this whole thing. I'm probably projecting because I had to constantly tell XH he was good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, etc and it was draining because I really, honestly, feel people should have enough self worth to not need that constant dialogue from my SO.
I get what you're saying and I don't think that is what he needs from me or what he was asking (although I sort of poorly explained it at first because I was confused). He has great self-esteem and he pushes himself.
I think he is asking me, as his partner, to not let him get lazy with his goals and his own expectations and standards. I think we all default to laziness, especially when we have a partner who allows it and encourages it. It's easy to be less than our best.
Okay....then I say, clarify with him to verify that's the case and you're okay!
I guess I can kind of understand where he is coming from. It sounds like he wants you to support him in his goals, not encouraging him to do the opposite.
I can see encouraging positive habits/activities, however, it is not your place to say "okay, now you need to go work out" "oh, don't eat that burger" or anything like that. We all slide into that in relationships, but it's not your place to tell him to do x, y or z.
I also don't get the need to have someone demand the best from him.....I expect those in my life to do their best, but the hell if I'm demanding that they give me their all and telling them they need to prove it to me on the regular.
Maybe I'm not explaining it well....but something just seems off with this whole thing. I'm probably projecting because I had to constantly tell XH he was good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, etc and it was draining because I really, honestly, feel people should have enough self worth to not need that constant dialogue from my SO.
Doris, I know what you are talking about but I don't think Jade's situation is like this.
There is a HUGE difference between having to be a mother and saying "do this" or "don't do this" all the time and having to give someone a kick in the ass every once in a while.
Hell, I need a kick in the ass every once in a while!
Yea. I mean what you said above and what you've elaborated on sound totally different. It's one thing to say "hey I want to get into shape, can you support me to do that and not encourage me to be lazy?" it's totally different to "set expectations" for someone. Honestly I think it's very concerning that he can't set and achieve his own expectations. That's called being an adult. What does he do when he's not in a relationship?
Also, my first thought was that he wants to call you out on more things, but feels guilty about it, so he wants you to call him out on things so it feels okay.
Yea. I mean what you said above and what you've elaborated on sound totally different. It's one thing to say "hey I want to get into shape, can you support me to do that and not encourage me to be lazy?" it's totally different to "set expectations" for someone. Honestly I think it's very concerning that he can't set and achieve his own expectations. That's called being an adult. What does he do when he's not in a relationship?
Also, my first thought was that he wants to call you out on more things, but feels guilty about it, so he wants you to call him out on things so it feels okay.
Yeah, this whole thing sounds awkward. It would be one thing if he was all, "Hey, I need to get back into working out, I need your encouragement." But saying YOU need to set standards for HIM?? WTF? He sounds like he has issues.
I think the issue is that he sucks at communication
Or Jade sucks at communication. Why do we always assume it is the other person? (no offense, Jade)
haha, good point I guess communication is something both people have to be good at for it to work anyway.... so it's their communication. Not his or hers.
Or Jade sucks at communication. Why do we always assume it is the other person? (no offense, Jade)
haha, good point I guess communication is something both people have to be good at for it to work anyway.... so it's their communication. Not his or hers.
And it could be mismatched styles of communication.
haha, good point I guess communication is something both people have to be good at for it to work anyway.... so it's their communication. Not his or hers.
And it could be mismatched styles of communication.
I tend to word things poorly sometimes on these boards, so I'm not going to critique. It sounds like it's clear to you after hashing it out here so that's good! And for the record, I do need a kick in the ass sometimes from D on certain things as does he. I don't think there's anything with encouraging and in some ways expecting your partner to be the best versions of themselves.
Why do so many people need someone to kick them in the ass? I would hate to be with a man that I needed to tell to eat healthy or workout.. he is an adult. If he can't do those things on his own after 4 months of dating what will he be like in 4 years?
See this is where it's getting misinterpreted. I think a kick in the ass doesn't mean telling someone what to do but it means getting them to not make excuses for not achieving their goals.
For example, I am healthy and I run but oh man when it was time to run a 5k with the army, I made every excuse under the sun for why I shouldn't do it. I lost my motivation and confidence a bit. My bf could have been like "you're right, just skip the 5k. You are still awesome." Which, admittedly, I do to him when he wants to get away with being sub par. But instead, he encouraged me to do it and motivated me....I did it and I was so happy I had someone to give me a good shove and get me to be more competitive.