Emotional/Mental Abuse (possible trigger and @ mentioned)

[OscarQ]

My sister is home for the summer and was catching me up on her friends. She is frustrated with one who won't leave her husband. From what I've heard, it seems like this friend is being emotionally and mentally abused. I want to help my sister understand how to be supportive of the friend (friend has no family in her country of residence, is not a citizen of that country, and has a young daughter).

What my sister finds frustrating is that the friend "just won't leave" and "she knew how he was before she married him". Which are ridiculous statements. Not an excuse but my sister has been out of the country the bulk of her adult life so I'm not sure she's ever been exposed to much information on abuse cycles or how isolating abuse is to victims. I want to help her understand more, hoping she can be there for this friend.

I've googled for sources and found these two. Looking for other information I can email her. Thanks.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201510/how-help-someone-in-abusive-relationship

www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-selwyn/admitting-i-was-emotionally-abused_b_9813570.html

[hopecounts]

Financial abuse/financial issues with leaving

ncadv.org/files/Domestic%20Violence%20and%20Economic%20Abuse%20NCADV.pdf

[bowies]

I went through all of this with my XH. It's complicated to say the least. There's no "making" them see the light and there's no one-size-fits-all approach for how to be supportive.

I have more thoughts but I need to get in my car in the next few minutes. I can check back in later on tonight.

[OscarQ]

Thanks to both of you. I just want to help pry my sister's eyes open so she can be there for her friend. Sister tends to be very moralistic and lacks empathy. Pair that with ignorance on abuse and the cycle of abuse and it's not good. But sis tends to be open to learning too.

[jerseyjaybird]

PDQ.

This is a PM I sent a few years ago to a poster wondering how to help a friend who was in an emotionally abusive relationship; maybe something here will help you frame things for your sister. I'll DD later tonight.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago that ultimately escalated to physical violence. This is going to sound weird, but it almost was a relief when it turned physical---that was tangible, somehow more direct evidence that what was happening was NOT ok. To me, it meant that I wasn't crazy. Emotional abusers are often VERY intelligent and incredibly manipulative, and they are usually really skilled at convincing you that what's happening is your fault . . . and sometimes that nothing is actually even "happening" at all. All of this to say that (as you probably already know), your friend is in a really confusing situation. She probably doesn't know which end is up right now---I didn't, for a long time.

Most likely, you need to tread very cautiously. Unless you know that she's in immediate physical danger, be very slow and gentle in how you approach this. I was seeing a very good therapist by the end of my relationship, and she very, very slowly let me know that what was happening wasn't okay and that she was worried for my safety. She let me come to the conclusion of emotional abuse myself, and she let me/encouraged me to spend some time seeing the patterns of behavior as abusive without labeling my ex as abusive---I loved my ex, and I wasn't ready to do that. As I started to think about thinking about leaving, my therapist let me know that if I started showing signs of independence, things would likely get much worse, quickly. She was right. Anyway, it sounds like you already know that you'll need to be careful in terms of what you say, and when, lest your friend get scared by too much information, too quickly. Even after the abuse is very clear to everyone else around her, it will take her awhile to come to terms with it.

The cycle of abuse chart was really powerful to me. Maybe she'd be ready to see it at some point soon, or maybe you could just let her know that you're there for her, without judgment, whenever she wants to talk. I think that focusing on her health and safety is paramount---criticizing the person she loves could also send her running in the other direction, fast. I do think that you could call a domestic abuse resources hotline and get some good advice (based on more than one my experience); I imagine that they hear from concerned friends and family pretty frequently.

[pixy0stix]

Is your sister one to actually listen if you explain to her the abuse cycle and battered woman syndrome? I've found that a lot of people won't. Much like telling people that they can't help an alcoholic.

[cricketintx]

My aunt was abused herself, then became a counselor in order to help other families through it. She ended up focusing on how to help the friends and family members, knowing that we/they need as much help as the person being abused.

To help friends and family "get it," she used the analogy that a woman in an abusive relationship is like a boat in a storm. You, as the friend or family member, are like the anchor. If the rope between the boat and the anchor is too loose, the boat will get thrashed around and damaged. If the rope is too tight, it will snap from the pressure and the boat will be lost at sea.

The key to being the friend or family member, in her research, is finding the correct tension on the rope. Not too tight (aka controlling, making demands), but not too loose ("I can't stand to be around her until she leaves").

If you google "To Be an Anchor in the Storm", I think her work comes up.

Good luck to your sister and her friend.

[pixy0stix]

Jun 28, 2017 15:51:57 GMT -5 cricketintx said:

If you google "To Be an Anchor in the Storm", I think her work comes up.

This is awesome, and the most apt analogy I've ever heard.

[cricketintx]

Jun 28, 2017 15:53:57 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Jun 28, 2017 15:51:57 GMT -5 cricketintx said:

If you google "To Be an Anchor in the Storm", I think her work comes up.

This is awesome, and the most apt analogy I've ever heard.

I'm sure she'd be delighted to hear that (I was going to say thank you but that seemed weird, because it's not *my* work). 

[bowies]

The boat analogy really is very good.

I can tell you from my experience that finding the right tension in the rope doesn't have to be all on one person. A lot of people can lump together to be the right balance. I had friends that didn't want to speak ill of my XH and gave me a shoulder while others tried more of the tough love approach. Neither way would have made a difference on its own, but together it worked.

There's a lot of self esteem issues at play when someone is caught in an abusive relationship. There's also years of conditioning to overcome. The abuser advances the boundaries of acceptable behavior slowly and in a nonlinear fashion. Another good analogy to that is the frog in a boiling pot of water.

For me to "wake up" it took some big shocks to the system from my XH. He got bored and sloppy. That set the wheels in motion for me to get emotionally stronger via friends and therapy. These events will come along and that will be an opening for your sister if she's able to see it and willing to take the opportunity. Light bulb moments are rare though so she'll need to set expectations accordingly.

Looking back I'm horrified by what I put up with. It wasn't love. I can still get a pang of shame over it. Fear and shame are great motivators to keep people in these relationships. If your sister can make them non-factors, she has a chance of breaking through to her friend.

[Bernadine]

Shame and embarrassment were major reasons I stayed with my xh. I would encourage your sister to support her friend, but also, when it's appropriate, let her know that how she's living is not normal.

[OscarQ]

Thanks to everyone. Liking your posts as a thanks and in support - obviously not liking the abuse anyone suffered. I really appreciate all of this info.

pixy0stix, I really hope that she's willing to learn however I am afraid that she won't. She has a tendency to not understand things like alcoholism (or really how to deal with an alcoholic) and being overweight (just eat less/work out more). So...I really don't know. I feel like I have to try to get through to her. I don't have a direct link to the friend although I've known her for over a decade. Frankly, if my sister isn't willing to learn, this is going to cement a change in our relationship that's been building for quite awhile (not to make this about me/us). If I had a direct relationship with this woman it may be a different story but I have to try to help her through the only intermediary available.

Thanks again everyone.