Smoke and Mirrors

[freezorburn]

So much drama this week ... I have to remind myself that everything is really okay, I've just been affected emotionally. But I really wish I could just have a boring week.

Wednesday XH and I met with our divorce coach to discuss adjustments to DS's schedule in light of XH's plans to move back east. We got onto the topic of DS's ABA therapy and XH wants to stop doing it in the fall because he thinks DS is doing fine and we should just "see what happens" when he starts kindergarten. I feel like we would still benefit from the support of his BCBA and BT. So we are struggling to see eye-to-eye on that. Then out of nowhere he starts going off on how I BF'd for way too long, I coddled DS and that's why he is so anxious with me, and he has sleep issues because we should have done CIO. And he says he would have taken a week off of work to do CIO (he never offered to do that when DS was a baby). There was a bunch of other weird stuff that come out of the session. Another gem was that he said he should just take DS for a year so that I could "do what I needed to do."

Later that day I was setting up our next appointment with the divorce coach's scheduler, and asked if he had time to meet with me individually in the next couple of weeks. She squeezed me in this morning.

Thursday was good hectic work day, perfect for keeping my mind off of the weirdness.

So this morning I go see the divorce coach, and as soon as I walk into his office, he says: "so.... I have an interesting way to start off our time .... W. T. F. "

You know it's bad when the counselor is saying WTF.

So, at least now I know I'm not crazy. 

After I left the office, I stopped at home to pick up something before running an errand, and I hear my land line ring. NBD, I always let it go to the machine. Anyone who needs to get in touch with me uses my cell phone. I hear some person I don't know leave a threatening message and think, well it's probably a wrong number. I'll deal with it later.

Got home about an hour later and dialed the police non-emergency number to report the threatening call. After 20 minutes on hold, I talk to an operator, and he asks if I can wait at home for an officer to respond, because the content of the call does sound dangerous. Well, I tell him, I have a hair appointment at one. So he tells me if I don't feel there's an immediate threat, to go about my day and then call back later when I can make sure to be at home.

Hair appointment: check. Halfway through the appointment my phone is blowing up. Apparently some fraud alerts happened on my credit card. And ... my card was declined when I went to pay for my haircut. Thankfully I had enough cash in my wallet. I had other cards but didn't want to use them.

Home again, called my credit card company to sort out the fraudulent charges, and then called the police again. Waited almost three hours, but I got some cleaning done. The officer who came was super nice, recorded our entire conversation, listened to the threatening message. It was a first for him, but he said it's probably some unscrupulous person who is trying to find vulnerable people to extort money from. Which makes sense to me, given the weirdness of the call. He wrote up a report and gave me his card.

So, nothing has happened, but my nerves are a bit shot, between the weirdness from the X and the random threatening phone call and the fraudulent credit card charges. 

I just want a quiet weekend so I can get some projects done.

[pipsqueak]

freezorburn,all I can say is DA*N.

I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that.

Maybe a laugh to finish the week -- Yesterday dh came in to the bedroom to make sure I was waking up. I looked at him and said "The answer is NO! We are not getting a polar bear for a pet." I had been dreaming xh was demanding we buy a polar bear, from Home Depot no less, and shortly before dh woke me up I dreamt that I had told xh I didn't want one, if he wanted one that was his decision but I wasn't having anything to do with it and I walked out.

[freezorburn]

Well if this is the polar bear in question, I could totally understand ...

[freezorburn]

... I'm not sure what to think about the Home Depot bit.

[DGM]

Yikes! Hope the rest of your weekend was uneventful.

[freezorburn]

I'm going to turn this into my "weird stuff that happens" thread. Others are welcome to share, as well.

Is it weird that XH included me on his mailing list when letting friends know about his new blog?

I'm so not interested. I don't have the time. But it's like Pandora's box, falling ever deeper into the black hole that is my inbox.

I'm gonna go do chores now.

[DGM]

I say yes it's weird. Unless he's planning to ever talk about or post pics of your DS, and he's trying to be courteous?

[freezorburn]

Jul 19, 2017 18:17:25 GMT -5 DGM said:

I say yes it's weird. Unless he's planning to ever talk about or post pics of your DS, and he's trying to be courteous?

Well I guess that would be a reason for me to read it ... but historically neither of us posts much about DS on social media where we can be identified. I think I can count on one hand, the number of photos of DS that are posted on FB. And, XH doesn't have a FB account anymore, that I know of.

He used to write long emails to a group of friends and close colleagues, especially when he was traveling somewhere interesting. As a way of keeping in touch, and letting people know how interesting he thinks he is. I gather that the blog is of this ilk.

[freezorburn]

So I bit the bullet and read the blog. OMG boring and self-indulgent. Quelle surprise.

[pipsqueak]

Jul 19, 2017 23:11:04 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

So I bit the bullet and read the blog. OMG boring and self-indulgent. Quelle surprise.

And now you can sleep at night without curiosity picking on your brain.  

[freezorburn]

Jul 20, 2017 14:49:34 GMT -5 pipsqueak said:

Jul 19, 2017 23:11:04 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

So I bit the bullet and read the blog. OMG boring and self-indulgent. Quelle surprise.

And now you can sleep at night without curiosity picking on your brain.  

Except for the question(s) that may never be answered: How did I miss this? How did I choose to marry someone who turned out to be so different than the person I thought he was? Does he have some kind of personality disorder that drives his family crazy, but leaves him just functional enough to pass as sane, to the rest of society?SaveSave

[pipsqueak]

Jul 20, 2017 22:44:55 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Jul 20, 2017 14:49:34 GMT -5 pipsqueak said:

And now you can sleep at night without curiosity picking on your brain.  

Except for the question(s) that may never be answered: How did I miss this? How did I choose to marry someone who turned out to be so different than the person I thought he was? Does he have some kind of personality disorder that drives his family crazy, but leaves him just functional enough to pass as sane, to the rest of society?SaveSave

Maybe the same way I married an abusive, sex offender - psychological abuse - it totally distorts the victim's perception of reality.  Once your perception clears after getting away from it, you really start to wonder how you didn't see it sooner.  Just remember that because you're looking at a real mirror now doesn't alter the fact that the mirrors in the "fun house" provide a distorted reflection.

[freezorburn]

Yeah, I just don't know the difference anymore between what is real and what is distorted. I don't know how to move past this.

[DGM]

No advice but hugs.

[pipsqueak]

Jul 21, 2017 14:13:00 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

Yeah, I just don't know the difference anymore between what is real and what is distorted. I don't know how to move past this.

I just went with the assumption that everything related to XH was distorted or a lie unless corroborated by an independent 3rd party.  I wrote down conversations, events as they happened, etc so when he tried telling me I imagined it, that's not how things happened, he didn't say that, etc I had a sort of proof for myself that my memory wasn't failing or I didn't just imagine/invent something.  I also added non-verbal communication - facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, what he was doing - to put the words into context.

For example, I love you is not a threat but yet when he said it to me I felt threatened.  I had to journal out how and why I love you became a threat to understand it was in the dare for me to not say it back, in the hatred in his eyes, the aggression in his posture.

Once I came to see him as a "fun house mirror", I regained my ability to trust myself and my perception of things.

Hopefully, something in that helps.

[zaraceli]

I have not advised. But I see something positive the has happened and is a good thing in my opinion the you are opening your eyes and see how he really is, and the is the good think to realize and question your self. It's time to take care of your self and think of all the beauty the is inside you and not letting anyone to put your emotions dawn. It's time to be happy for you and for you boy. Remember everything happens for a reason, look at things in a positive way sometimes it my help to answer our questions when we se things the way.

[freezorburn]

Thanks everyone. Yeah, some kind of writing or journaling might help me. I have jotted down notes in the past but haven't been consistent, so I tend to come across them randomly.

And it's funny, these days the only thing I see clearly is X and his lies and theatrics.

The really trippy stuff is my tendency to view kindness, by anyone, as an attempt to control or manipulate me. Makes it hard to trust friends or even acquaintances. I'm paranoid that everyone wants to use me somehow. I know it's not healthy but I guess I have to sit with this for a while.

[freezorburn]

WTF. I texted XH a schedule update for DS, he acknowledges it and then asks if I've had a chance to read his blog bc he would love some feedback.

No no no no nope. Do not have time or energy for his self-indulgent BS. What little reading time I have is not to be wasted on him. He can find his validation elsewhere.

[pipsqueak]

Aug 3, 2017 0:30:44 GMT -5 freezorburn said:

WTF. I texted XH a schedule update for DS, he acknowledges it and then asks if I've had a chance to read his blog bc he would love some feedback.

No no no no nope. Do not have time or energy for his self-indulgent BS. What little reading time I have is not to be wasted on him. He can find his validation elsewhere.

I could give you advice on how to handle that, but you're capable of figuring out the best way to respond.  PM if you want those ideas though.

[freezorburn]

Yeah I totally got this. But just for kicks I might PM you some of the things I ended up filtering out. After I get through this week.