They couldn't find the source of my pain which was extremely frustrating.
I'm calling the oncologist tomorrow for a recommendation for a new urologist and then they will schedule a biopsy to determine what the growth on my bladder is all about.
If the cancer has spread to my bladder, that's about the end of it. MD Anderson is already pushing my appointments back but frankly if it's cancer, I'm afraid they will decline to take my case and that means less time for me.
I had a horrible anxiety attack last night. I felt like ants we're crawling all over me and I couldn't stop crying and twitching. Of course, the crying made the pain flare up and I thought I was going to faint because I couldn't catch my breath. It kind of felt like when you get the wind knocked out of you. I just had 2 Xanax about 45 minutes before the attack and morphine about 30 minutes before that do it just took time to kick in. The chaplain came and spoke with me and that was nice. He had to leave and when he came back, I had calmed down and feel asleep.
So now I'm in another waiting game. I have to wait for an appointment to get a biopsy and then wait for the results.
I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point. I honestly cannot keep it together for more than an a few hours before I start having the "woe is me" feelings all over again.
My head hurts. My body hurts. My heart aches. My soul is not at peace. My pastor is OOT but he's coming by to see me tomorrow.
Thanks for showing me so much love and affection and genuine concern. I love you all so much and you always lift my spirits.
I'm just out of the shower and laying down. I'm going to have a smoke and go to sleep.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jul 4, 2017 11:46:41 GMT -5
I'm sorry you don't have any more answers, his. I want to siphon some of that pain out of your heart, though, and carry it for you for a while. I hope a new urologist brings you some answers.
As Gretchenindisguise said in the previous thread, you are on one of the cruelest roller coasters. I'm so sorry. I wish I were local to you and could simply hold your hand.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 4, 2017 11:56:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. You don't have to hold it all together when things suck so much. You don't have to be anyone's poster girl for bravery right now. I hope you get some relief and feel some peace and love from your pastor and your loved ones.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
His, I know I don't have words to make this any less awful or painful or frightening or just plain unfair. I'm pulling for you, and everyone else who cares for you is too. Feel how you feel and be forgiving of yourself. I hope your pastor is able to speak with you soon. We love you.
I need ham like water Like breath, like rain I need ham like mercy From Heaven's gate Sometimes ham salad or casserole or ham that’s free range, all natural I need ham
I'm sorry you're in so much pain His. I honestly don't think any of us could keep it together if faced with everything you're going through. Wishing you peace and comfort. (heart)