I feel like it is not even people thinking he is being overly dramatic, but they just act like this stuff is no big deal. I mean DH is constantly thought to be a waiter or the "help" and other folks are very dismissive of it. It is frustrating to say the least. They act like he shouldn't care, shouldn't be upset, because it was "just a mistake." I mean people constantly think he is "less than" just because of his skin color, that eats away at you.
This is in no means like having to sleep in your office overnight for fear of your life, but it speaks to the dismissiveness of people when it comes to race playing a part in situations.
My brother is constantly mistaken for being a waiter at higher end restaurants in the Seattle area. He brushes it off, but of recent memory, we were at a restaurant for my mother's birthday, this one woman and her family refused to believe that he wasn't a waiter and kept insisting he bring them more water and started to place their order. He apologized to them but continued on to the bathroom and ignored them afterwards.
On Father's Day a few years ago, my family was sitting at a table in a restaurant, as in we had already been seated, when I had to go to the car to get something. I came back, sat back down at our table and found that the restaurant's GM had followed me and told me that we needed to wait to be seated. Never mind our table was already "settled". Water, utensils, my son playing on his Kindle Fire. He saw all of that and assumed we had just seated ourselves and I figured it was race that played a part cause no one else was being asked this crap. But no one else was not white in this restaurant.
Opening my front door before we started ignoring any knock if we weren't expecting friends, and having the salesperson/pollster/environmental activist assume this wasn't my house. Because I'm young looking and Asian in a predominately white neighborhood.
These are all hugely innocuous events in comparison, but it speaks to what they talked about in the article of having to constantly wonder rude or racist.
Oh, yeah sorry I wasn't trying to compare it to sleeping in the office because you are afraid for your life. I was just trying to say that folks are overall dismissive of the feelings of POC. Sorry if it came off as I was trying to compare the two, that wasn't my intent.
This is in no means like having to sleep in your office overnight for fear of your life, but it speaks to the dismissiveness of people when it comes to race playing a part in situations.
My brother is constantly mistaken for being a waiter at higher end restaurants in the Seattle area. He brushes it off, but of recent memory, we were at a restaurant for my mother's birthday, this one woman and her family refused to believe that he wasn't a waiter and kept insisting he bring them more water and started to place their order. He apologized to them but continued on to the bathroom and ignored them afterwards.
On Father's Day a few years ago, my family was sitting at a table in a restaurant, as in we had already been seated, when I had to go to the car to get something. I came back, sat back down at our table and found that the restaurant's GM had followed me and told me that we needed to wait to be seated. Never mind our table was already "settled". Water, utensils, my son playing on his Kindle Fire. He saw all of that and assumed we had just seated ourselves and I figured it was race that played a part cause no one else was being asked this crap. But no one else was not white in this restaurant.
Opening my front door before we started ignoring any knock if we weren't expecting friends, and having the salesperson/pollster/environmental activist assume this wasn't my house. Because I'm young looking and Asian in a predominately white neighborhood.
These are all hugely innocuous events in comparison, but it speaks to what they talked about in the article of having to constantly wonder rude or racist.
Oh, yeah sorry I wasn't trying to compare it to sleeping in the office because you are afraid for your life. I was just trying to say that folks are overall dismissive of the feelings of POC. Sorry if it came off as I was trying to compare the two, that wasn't my intent.
No need to apologize. I was trying to bolster your comment about how this kind of constant wondering is exhausting and the micro aggressions in daily life make situations where your life could actually be on the line that much less dramatic. Cause if people do little things on a constant daily basis that question your right to be where you are or treat you in such a way, when big things happen, it's not being dramatic to assume you are going to be treated that much worse too, particularly, especially in the case of black men out "after hours". ;-; This world is so fucked up.
I know you're right but the lack of compassion and understanding of some people is mind boggling. Then again, we all know people who have to experience something first hand to actually get it, so...ugh.
I don't see it as lack of compassion or understanding as much as privilege. It's privileged to not have to think about these things as a daily, hourly would be/could be. When your entire world runs on not having to second guess people's motivations, it's likely easy to think people are being over dramatic. This isn't a pass for these people, but it literally boils down to privilege rather than whether that person is "good" and compassionate or not.
I bet any person of color could read this and know immediately that most non-POCs would call this dramatic. I bet even this man's non-POC friends would side eye and consider him and his family dramatic.
I do think there is a lack of compassion involved. When people see a video of excessive violence towards a person of color and they say, well they should of just obeyed...that is not just privilege speaking.
The ability to empathize with someone and their experience without having gone through it yourself is part of being compassionate. We invoke it everyday for other situations, other fears, other concerns. I am not sure why we would give it a pass when it comes to matters of race.
I don't see it as lack of compassion or understanding as much as privilege. It's privileged to not have to think about these things as a daily, hourly would be/could be. When your entire world runs on not having to second guess people's motivations, it's likely easy to think people are being over dramatic. This isn't a pass for these people, but it literally boils down to privilege rather than whether that person is "good" and compassionate or not.
I bet any person of color could read this and know immediately that most non-POCs would call this dramatic. I bet even this man's non-POC friends would side eye and consider him and his family dramatic.
I do think there is a lack of compassion involved. When people see a video of excessive violence towards a person of color and they say, well they should of just obeyed...that is not just privilege speaking.
The ability to empathize with someone and their experience without having gone through it yourself is part of being compassionate. We invoke it everyday for other situations, other fears, other concerns. I am not sure why we would give it a pass when it comes to matters of race.
Its weird. For me, saying people lack compassion feels like an out, like inexplicably, it means they can't change. while if it's framed as a privilege issue, it feels more educatable? Overcomable? It feels there's more these people can do to try and see the world through another's experiences than saying they innately lack compassion.
I don't see it as lack of compassion or understanding as much as privilege. It's privileged to not have to think about these things as a daily, hourly would be/could be. When your entire world runs on not having to second guess people's motivations, it's likely easy to think people are being over dramatic. This isn't a pass for these people, but it literally boils down to privilege rather than whether that person is "good" and compassionate or not.
I bet any person of color could read this and know immediately that most non-POCs would call this dramatic. I bet even this man's non-POC friends would side eye and consider him and his family dramatic.
I do think there is a lack of compassion involved. When people see a video of excessive violence towards a person of color and they say, well they should of just obeyed...that is not just privilege speaking.
The ability to empathize with someone and their experience without having gone through it yourself is part of being compassionate. We invoke it everyday for other situations, other fears, other concerns. I am not sure why we would give it a pass when it comes to matters of race.
Thank you. I swear I never want to hear the word "privilege" again. Especially when grown butt, highly educated women are talking about how they've never really recognized said privilege. Bullfuckingshit you didn't. The notion is as insulting as the whole listening and learning nonsense.
God, I hate articles like this. It feels performative somehow, even though I know this is reality. Hell, it's my reality, so I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I think it's the response from white people to the article, trying to act like they didn't already know this. Just another way to put the pain of black people on display for the hateful masses.
I do think there is a lack of compassion involved. When people see a video of excessive violence towards a person of color and they say, well they should of just obeyed...that is not just privilege speaking.
The ability to empathize with someone and their experience without having gone through it yourself is part of being compassionate. We invoke it everyday for other situations, other fears, other concerns. I am not sure why we would give it a pass when it comes to matters of race.
Its weird. For me, saying people lack compassion feels like an out, like inexplicably, it means they can't change. while if it's framed as a privilege issue, it feels more educatable? Overcomable? It feels there's more these people can do to try and see the world through another's experiences than saying they innately lack compassion.
Yeah, but who cares if they can change? I certainly don't.
Racist people are bad people who lack compassion. That shouldn't be a point of argument. And if you're racist, you don't get the benefit of seeing the world through my experience. I'm not going to allow you into that space. I want you far away from me, fucking yourself.
I feel like it is not even people thinking he is being overly dramatic, but they just act like this stuff is no big deal. I mean DH is constantly thought to be a waiter or the "help" and other folks are very dismissive of it. It is frustrating to say the least. They act like he shouldn't care, shouldn't be upset, because it was "just a mistake." I mean people constantly think he is "less than" just because of his skin color, that eats away at you.
I'm sure part of it that for white people, being mistaken for "the help" is a once or twice in a lifetime sort of occurrence that's just funny to think back on because it has no consequence and doesn't impact future outings - we never expect it to happen again. So when our experience is then compared to our frustrated coworkers' multiple experiences it's easy to dismiss them as being "too sensitive" or whathaveyou, because we weren't offended that one time it happened to us. And then it's easy to dismiss more macro-scale racism complaints as more of the same over-sensitiveness.
I feel like it is not even people thinking he is being overly dramatic, but they just act like this stuff is no big deal. I mean DH is constantly thought to be a waiter or the "help" and other folks are very dismissive of it. It is frustrating to say the least. They act like he shouldn't care, shouldn't be upset, because it was "just a mistake." I mean people constantly think he is "less than" just because of his skin color, that eats away at you.
I'm sure part of it that for white people, being mistaken for "the help" is a once or twice in a lifetime sort of occurrence that's just funny to think back on because it has no consequence and doesn't impact future outings - we never expect it to happen again. So when our experience is then compared to our frustrated coworkers' multiple experiences it's easy to dismiss them as being "too sensitive" or whathaveyou, because we weren't offended that one time it happened to us. And then it's easy to dismiss more macro-scale racism complaints as more of the same over-sensitiveness.
The first Christmas I shared with H's extended family, I was mistaken for one of the waitstaff (family parties have a chef and waitstaff) by his cousin's wife. Some of his cousins still laugh about it. I can still see and hear his cousin laughing to the room and talking as if I were invisible, "Oh, LOLOLOLOL! I though she was the waitstaff! Lolololol! I really thought she was the help!" LOLOLOL!" I was not amused. I've said maybe 5 words to her in the 9 years since that day. LOLGFYS.
Throughout my career, I've been mistaken for the housekeeper or nurse's aide too many times to count. Just a few months ago, I got a security escort to my unit because I had left my badge on my desk. Never mind, that I was the person in charge of the unit. The security guard was going to make me go all the way to my desk despite the nursing staff telling him who I was on the way past them to my office.
H's best friend growing up was Puerto Rican. They have tons of stories of the racism he faced and H witnessed. His best friend from med school is black. Those stories are awful as well. At Harvard. But it is in Boston, so that isn't as surprising.
Every non white person can probably share dozens of the same kind of story. Its not new information to anyone who isn't white, and isn't to any white person either. White people just pretend it isn't happening.
God, I hate articles like this. It feels performative somehow, even though I know this is reality. Hell, it's my reality, so I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I think it's the response from white people to the article, trying to act like they didn't already know this. Just another way to put the pain of black people on display for the hateful masses.
God, I hate articles like this. It feels performative somehow, even though I know this is reality. Hell, it's my reality, so I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I think it's the response from white people to the article, trying to act like they didn't already know this. Just another way to put the pain of black people on display for the hateful masses.
Yes.. all of this
I'm glad someone agrees with me.
And this is not a knock on anyone who starts threads or shares articles on topics like this, but I'm personally just so exhausted by the conversation. I'm free not to read and respond, and most of the time I don't, but on the whole, as a black woman, these discussions have been draining. I just can't talk about racism with white people anymore, so I'm going to make a conscious effort not to. There is very little for black people to gain in doing so. I'm sure more reasonable people would disagree with me, and that's cool.