How to handle DD's BFF ghosting situation

[persa]

TL:DR: my 6yr olds BFF is ignoring her and being a little mean to her and I don't know how to handle it to help her brush it off and go make new friends.

Background: My DD is 6 and just finished Kinder. She has a BFF that I'll call P who she's known since preschool and they were in the same Kinder class and after care program and this summer have been in the same camps.

Something has happened that had made P decide she doesn't want to be friends with my DD anymore. Like she ignores her when she comes in, she "plays games" by bossing her around and pushing her" and so on. And the other day P's mom offered to take DD to camp and P was like "Noooooo!"

My DD is fairly naive and is the type that likes to have her close friends around and while she's sweet and friendly, she doesn't make good friends easily. I can tell she's hurt by this but she won't really say anything to me and she just kind of smiles and acts like it's not a big deal. I think she just still wishes they were friends cuz she asks about her all the time.

I mentioned this to P's mom, who is a pretty good friend of mine. She's upset by it too and has talked to P but it really hadn't had an effect. My suspicion is that this stemmed from jealousy on P's part when my DD and another girl in their aftercare were spending more time together because they were both on swim team.

Really, I don't really care that they're friends, I just want DD to feel confident about going out and making new friends and not letting this get to her, especially at such a young formative age. Her last summer camp is not with P and thankfully won't be in the same class as P next year but they'll still be in aftercare together.

My heart hurts for her so much and I wish I knew what to say and do for her.

[minniemouse]

Ugh I'm sorry. the only thing I can think of is to try to schedule more play dates with other kids. Dd1 is a really shy kid who takes awhile to warm up. In first grade, her best friend from the neighborhood suddenly stopped wanting to sit with her on the bus. We have no idea why. She just started sitting with her brother instead...poor dd was so upset for weeks. When she asked her bff to sit with her all she got was a "no". If she asked her over to play it was "maybe". So we set up a few play dates with other friends. Suddenly, bff started coming around again, sitting with her on the bus and all was good. Never found out what the issue was, so I'm guessing it was kids being kids.

[lolo]

Hmm, I know it takes me a while to get over it when I lose a friendship. I would try to respond to my DD with the same empathy and validation I would wish if I were in her shoes.

And, yes, I would make an effort to connect her to other friends.

[persa]

Jul 17, 2017 10:25:08 GMT -5 lolo said:

Hmm, I know it takes me a while to get over it when I lose a friendship. I would try to respond to my DD with the same empathy and validation I would wish if I were in her shoes.

And, yes, I would make an effort to connect her to other friends.

Haha, I think I'm more emotional about it than she is. And I'm definitely not blowing it off but we're also not trying to put thoughts into her head or words in her mouth about this "thing".

I did take her and another friend who she doesn't normally spend a lot of time with out for a fun day this Friday and they got along great.

[persa]

Jul 17, 2017 10:22:26 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

Ugh I'm sorry. the only thing I can think of is to try to schedule more play dates with other kids. Dd1 is a really shy kid who takes awhile to warm up. In first grade, her best friend from the neighborhood suddenly stopped wanting to sit with her on the bus. We have no idea why. She just started sitting with her brother instead...poor dd was so upset for weeks. When she asked her bff to sit with her all she got was a "no". If she asked her over to play it was "maybe". So we set up a few play dates with other friends. Suddenly, bff started coming around again, sitting with her on the bus and all was good. Never found out what the issue was, so I'm guessing it was kids being kids.

Thanks. I think that's basically the tactic I'm going to take. I did say a couple of times that her friends shouldn't be mean to her and she doesn't have to play with them if they are. I wish I knew who was going to be in her 1st grade class so I could have playdates with some of the kids but we don't find out till the Thurs before school starts.

And honestly, this kid is on my shit list for now, I know it's petty to feel that way about a 6 yr old but I can't help it. And the funny this is, my 10 yr old niece heard about this indirectly from my SIL and she said "I never like that girl" cuz of the way she would talk to my DD back when they were still friends.

[lolo]

Jul 17, 2017 10:32:52 GMT -5 persa said:

Jul 17, 2017 10:25:08 GMT -5 lolo said:

Hmm, I know it takes me a while to get over it when I lose a friendship. I would try to respond to my DD with the same empathy and validation I would wish if I were in her shoes.

And, yes, I would make an effort to connect her to other friends.

Haha, I think I'm more emotional about it than she is. And I'm definitely not blowing it off but we're also not trying to put thoughts into her head or words in her mouth about this "thing".

I did take her and another friend who she doesn't normally spend a lot of time with out for a fun day this Friday and they got along great.

Then it sounds like she doesn't need help blowing it off.

Glad your Friday G2G went well.

[persa]

Jul 17, 2017 10:40:25 GMT -5 lolo said:

Jul 17, 2017 10:32:52 GMT -5 persa said:

Haha, I think I'm more emotional about it than she is. And I'm definitely not blowing it off but we're also not trying to put thoughts into her head or words in her mouth about this "thing".

I did take her and another friend who she doesn't normally spend a lot of time with out for a fun day this Friday and they got along great.

Then it sounds like she doesn't need help blowing it off.

Glad your Friday G2G went well.

Yeah, she's not talking about it but I can tell it hurts her. For example: the day after when P said she didn't want to give DD a ride to camp, we were dropping off my boys at daycare and she saw P's moms car in the parking lot (P's little sister goes to same daycare and is the same place the big girls go to aftercare) and she was like, I don't want to go inside to drop the boys off. And I KNEW it was because of the interaction they had the day before when she said she didn't want to give her a ride and she confirmed as much to me.

It just makes me sad when she says something like "I don't mind if P doesn't want to be friends as much anymore, as long as she's not mean to me" but she is being mean. So maybe DD will come to her own conclusions about it and will get through it with her self esteem even stronger. At least I hope so.

[hermione]

Jul 17, 2017 12:25:34 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

I think it's good to focus on helping her develop skills to cope with these situations. Scheduling playdates with other kids will likely help. Giving your DD words/phrases to use when P is being mean will help. Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to put up with P's meanness, find other friends and tell staff if necessary.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Even at 6, your daughter shouldn't be a doormat. If P is rude to her, arm her with appropriate responses. "P, that's mean. I do not want to play you right now if you are going to be mean."

At C's school they've been taught, "P, you are making bad choices. I do not like what you are saying/doing."

[persa]

Jul 17, 2017 12:25:34 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

I think it's good to focus on helping her develop skills to cope with these situations. Scheduling playdates with other kids will likely help. Giving your DD words/phrases to use when P is being mean will help. Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to put up with P's meanness, find other friends and tell staff if necessary.

Thanks. I've been trying to tell her to not let her friends be mean to her or make her feel bad and that she should make other friends but without denigrating the other kid too much but I don't think she's at the point yet where she's standing up for herself since she's still in the "I want her to be my friend" stage of things. Blah.

[persa]

Jul 17, 2017 12:31:45 GMT -5 hermione said:

Jul 17, 2017 12:25:34 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

I think it's good to focus on helping her develop skills to cope with these situations. Scheduling playdates with other kids will likely help. Giving your DD words/phrases to use when P is being mean will help. Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to put up with P's meanness, find other friends and tell staff if necessary.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Even at 6, your daughter shouldn't be a doormat. If P is rude to her, arm her with appropriate responses. "P, that's mean. I do not want to play you right now if you are going to be mean."

At C's school they've been taught, "P, you are making bad choices. I do not like what you are saying/doing."

Exactly, I don't want her to be a doormat but she still feels like she wants this girl to be her friend. I just replied to too short above with some things I'm trying to help her with. Its the times when her friend is just straight up ignoring her, especially when there are other kids around, that break my heart the most and I can tell makes her the most sad.

[persa]

Oh and my H picked her up from camp yesterday late-ish and said that she and P were playing and that P asked to come home with DD (we used to do that all the time before). But it smacks of "there's no one else for me to play with so I'll play with (DD)" to me rather than her truly wanting to be DD's friend.

[persa]

Jul 18, 2017 11:36:56 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

Jul 18, 2017 11:23:40 GMT -5 persa said:

Oh and my H picked her up from camp yesterday late-ish and said that she and P were playing and that P asked to come home with DD (we used to do that all the time before). But it smacks of "there's no one else for me to play with so I'll play with (DD)" to me rather than her truly wanting to be DD's friend.

I wouldn't read it to it too much. Little kids are fickle and change their minds quickly. 

True.

I'll just work on diversifying her friend base

[minzy]

I agree with everyone about steering your DD towards a more diverse friend base and it sounds like she's on her way there - good! I am limiting time right now for my 6 yo with one of her good friends because the friend likes to tauntingly exclude my younger daughter, and my older one was going along with it. We don't have time for that kind of crap. We do still see the other family out and about, and will, so I've tried to finesse it a little, but one on one time is going to be reduced for awhile until my older one has better skills to stand up for her sister, and say "hey, that isn't right."

[persa]

Jul 18, 2017 11:48:52 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

Jul 18, 2017 11:46:45 GMT -5 persa said:

True.

I'll just work on diversifying her friend base

That's been my best course of action. DD gets super hooked onto one friend and is heartbroken when the person is mean to her. I've stressed the importance of making more than one friend. I think she has really gotten the concept over the last school year. She is branching out more and more.

How old is your DD?

[persa]

Jul 18, 2017 12:23:17 GMT -5 minzy said:

I agree with everyone about steering your DD towards a more diverse friend base and it sounds like she's on her way there - good! I am limiting time right now for my 6 yo with one of her good friends because the friend likes to tauntingly exclude my younger daughter, and my older one was going along with it. We don't have time for that kind of crap. We do still see the other family out and about, and will, so I've tried to finesse it a little, but one on one time is going to be reduced for awhile until my older one has better skills to stand up for her sister, and say "hey, that isn't right."

I hear you on that. My DD is the same with following along. In fact, another mom friend told me that DD, P and another little girl were on the camp bus with her DD and they're all friends from daycare/aftercare and her DD said the other 3 little girls were sitting in one bus seat and no one was sitting with her DD. Now I know my DD and this other little girl well enough to know if wasn't their idea BUT they did go along with it, which is bad on its own. So yeah, we have the same issue with "going along with a friend" thing too.

[persa]

Jul 18, 2017 12:55:26 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

Jul 18, 2017 12:54:22 GMT -5 persa said:

How old is your DD?

6 just finished K.

We could have a play date, lol

Haha, y'all just move on down to Austin, K?

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2017 11:36:56 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

Jul 18, 2017 11:23:40 GMT -5 persa said:

Oh and my H picked her up from camp yesterday late-ish and said that she and P were playing and that P asked to come home with DD (we used to do that all the time before). But it smacks of "there's no one else for me to play with so I'll play with (DD)" to me rather than her truly wanting to be DD's friend.

I wouldn't read it to it too much. Little kids are fickle and change their minds quickly. 

I have some of the same friends since K/1st grade.

We laugh over the things we would "fight" or get angry about as kids. OMG she broke my FAVORITE crayon! She made them "not sharp" by "pushing too hard" while coloring. She picked ABC instead of XYZ first in tag!

I hope it resolves soon!

[fancynewbeesly]

Poor kid. I would definitely work on diversifying her friend base. Our daughter is 6 and just ended kindergarten as well. Luckily she thinks the whole world is her friend; but when we talked about kids being mean in her class to each other we would say: "Would L say something mean to you?" "How about H?" She would always reply no because they are best friends and they don't hurt each others feelings.


However, we did start to limit the time she spends with some kids, because they just argue so much.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I would also stress to her that friendships can be closer and drift apart over time, and that doesn't mean P doesn't like her or she did anything wrong, and it also doesn't mean that she will never be friends with P again, and that it's ok for her to play with P if she's being nice and ok for her to play with anyone else if she prefers.

I know I have a LOT of baggage from 'mean girls' when I was younger, and I wish my mom had been there to help me navigate it a bit more. And the thing that I feel like really led me down a bad path was not understanding that when a group of girls said they didn't want to play with me, it could have just meant for that day and not forever. Of course, I hope to raise a girl who doesn't buy into that kind of exclusive behavior, but I have a feeling it's a bit inevitable and they will all be on the inside and on the outside at times.

[persa]

Ugh today was a hard camp drop off. I think DD has a hope each day that P will be her friend again and today when I dropped her off, P just straight up ignored her again. And then another little girl, S, that was in their kinder class was arriving at the same time so I said "Hi S!" trying to engage her with my DD and P yelled out to her "S, come play with me!" So DD was in tears when I left and I had to leave because I had my twins in the car. Fuck. I'm about at the point where I'm about to straight out just tell her to forget about P because she's mean and not treating her like a friend should.