Update - Playdate Q

[HeartofCheese]

DS has a BFF at school. I've never met BFF's mom or fam. I found out BFF was going to kindergarten soon, so I sent BFF's mom a note about them getting together with my number. She texts me and suggests she drops BFF off at my house for a playdate this weekend. She offered up her place, but it seemed perfunctory b/c when I followed up asking if she could stick around for the playdate, she told me she has plans and wouldn't be able to stay long.

Anyone think this is weird? Many, many more details are available which I'll share, but this is the gist of it.

[hocus2]

Around here drop off playdates at 5 are rare if the families don't know each other. It is up to you if you want to baby sit for a while. I'd probably do it because I find playdates are usually fun for the kids.

By 7 or 8 playdates are mostly drop off unless everyone is socializing (e.g. BBQ)

[mommyatty]

I find it odd that she issued a play date invitation for a time when she has stuff to do. I think what she's really asking is for free babysitting.

I would have no issue with having a 5 yo dropped off for a play date. In fact, I would welcome it. But I would find it odd for someone to be this... I don't even know what to call it. Presumptuous? Forward? Advantage-taking? It's one thing for my friend E, who has kids who match mine in age, to say "I need to run some errands and cannot deal with taking the girls. Can they come play at your house for 2 hours on Saturday?" That's an above-board favor I would be happy to do. But if she said "Would love to have the kids over for a play date" and I responded "Can we do it over here" and her response was "I'll drop them off at noon. But I'm not staying because I have other plans" I would be thinking "whaaaaaa???"

[ECB]

I think I'm with mommyatty on this. The way you describe it and for the fact you don't know this woman, the whole exchange seems odd.

BUT I'd say that around the age of 5 is when play dates started to veer towards drop off play dates. I remember taking DS to his first drop off in K and I was a little nervous and I didn't know the parents very well.

[twinmomma]

What mommyatty said. She is bumming some free babysitting off you. I wouldn't assume the play date is a drop off thing if we'd never had one before. That's bizarre. But, I'd probably roll with it because I don't actually like the small talk that comes with supervising a non drop off playdate.

[mustardseed2007]

I'm with twinmomma, I'd find it weird, but would totally do it. And if it doesn't work out you don't have to do it again. I'd make sure to say something like - ok great. does 10-12 work for you? After that we're going to a blah blah blah.

You DO want to make sure she picks her kid up.

[k3am]

I think it depends on how you worded the invite. If you said "get the girls together" or something along the lines that implied that it was all about the girls playing, I don't think it's weird. If you asked for "them" to come over, then it's a little weird.

[k3am]

And here I am, feeling guilty about sending DD by herself to play with the neighbor when they volunteered to take her. I wish I had this woman's moxie.

[2chatter]

Is this her youngest child? She may just be done with mommy play dates, so flipped to your house so she can leave. DS has play dates, sans parents. I'm over entertaining other adults when I could be doing laundry etc if I am
hosting or running errands if they are.

Exceptions are friends - we hang out and the kids play.

[HeartofCheese]

I don't really remember how I worded the note. I wrote it a couple weeks ago, but didn't deliver it until last Thursday (H wouldn't deliver it...). I think I said something about getting "them" together, but in my mind, my kids are still doing supervised playdates. I guess I'm glad I didn't take her up on her offer to host b/c she might have been irritated when I stayed (w DD, also).

Free babysitting was my first reaction, too. I could've said no and suggested we get together when she's available, but if it wasn't awkward already... But mostly I was shocked (*SHOCKED*) that she'd drop off BFF at someone's house who she doesn't know, never met, never seen, knows absolutely nothing about. And if I ever want to take her up on an invite to her house, I'd have to know her before I would ever drop DS off there.

I didn't say anything yet about when she should pick up BFF, but figured I'd play it by ear that morning. I'm definitely wary of the potential for a never-ending play date.

2chatter , I know nothing about her. 4yo DS said 5yo BFF said that he didn't have a dad and was from California. That's all I got. May or may not be true. But I have a half-hour to find out. She's only going to pick up clothes at a clothing swap, so it's not like she *needed* babysitting (unless it's a lie...).

Anyway, my mind is running away with all the possibilities of things far more exciting and nefarious than regular life. I'm probably overthinking and she's just an intelligent, assertive woman who was intentionally broad b/c we've never met.

ETA: If she's not, I will be sure to let you all know after this weekend.

[frozenpeas]

This is weird to me, especially since I never know how my girls will react to being at an unfamiliar place without me. I guess she knows he'll go with the flow?

But, at least she was very clear about her expectations. Now you have me rereading my text exchange with another daycare mom about our kids' first play date together this weekend. I assumed I would stay while my 3 & 5 yr olds play with her 3 & 6 yr olds, but maybe she expects me to leave? Unclear--how am I to know?

Having kids has added a whole new dimension to my social anxieties.

[supertrooper1]

Maybe she's a single mom that sees this as a break for a couple hours? But she is very trusting to drop her kid off with someone she doesn't even know.

[justcheckingin73]

Not the same but one of DSs friends came over here for a drop off play date at age 5 or 6. The girl is the last of four, so similar to what 2chatter said. I do believe I was babysitting her as she was carting her other kids around but I didn't mind bc she kept DS out of my hair It's different bc we've been acquaintances for years. Her second oldest is my DDs age.

I wish I could do drop off play dates with DS but even at age 7, I have to be with him at all times.

I do think it's a bit strange since you don't know them. Hopefully the kid behaves.

[2chatter]

Can't wait for the update! It is crazy to me she would drop BFF with someone she doesn't know at all. It sounds like maybe she is very young? Or maybe I am just very old or it's three kids, but "clothing swap" is a thing of my past. I'd rather be shot in a nonessential location that doesn't interfere with my ability to sit on the couch and read.

[waverly]

I think this may be more of the case as they get older. Kids will be friends, but you won't know the family that well. Perhaps she plans to stay for 10 minutes and say hi and see how things are and leave if she feels comfortable. I don't find it that odd, I am just not there yet. I have hosted two drop off playdates, really just the neighbor girl came over to play with my kids, but I have never sent the kids anywhere on their own. For one they haven't been invited yet, DS will be 7 in October. I think it will start soonish. I plan to start with people I know well obviously, and then I'll have to come up with a plan with people I do not know that well. So anyway, when I hear of playdates of 4 and 5 years old that seems young to me and in my community, but I think I will have a whole other perspective when my kids are 8 as the community here seems to get a whole lot more free range in the 10+ age range.

[2chatter]

And...some people are just different. I just remembered that kids came to DD's 6th bday a month after kindergarten started and parents dropped at the curb. Like, didn't even walk them in. I didn't know one little girl who cried - her name, nothing, for 15 minutes. I kind of passed her to DH and said to see what he could do and he was like wtf. I was like - these bandanas don't tie themselves! Chaos. I'd never met any of the parents who dropped at the curb.

[billie]

I don't find it weird, but that's probably because I'm very pro drop off playdates. I have little to no interest in having to make small talk to someone I don't know for hours just so our kids can play. I also have left my 4yo with a family I barely knew after staying for some 40 minutes or so and making sure they seemed OK. People have different comfort levels with this stuff.

If I were you, I'd try to make it clearer going forward if you want to meet and hang out with parents or if it's a playdate for the kids.

[frozenpeas]

billie, when you drop off for play dates have the parents made clear ahead of time that you shouldn't stay, or do you assume that's what they intend when they invite your kid over?

And, do you explicitly tell the other parents when extending an invitation for a play date at your house that they aren't expected to stay?

Asking for a friend . . .

[ECB]

Aug 15, 2017 12:32:03 GMT -5 frozenpeas said:

billie , when you drop off for play dates have the parents made clear ahead of time that you shouldn't stay, or do you assume that's what they intend when they invite your kid over?

And, do you explicitly tell the other parents when extending an invitation for a play date at your house that they aren't expected to stay?

Asking for a friend . . .

For what you do or say, don't overthink it.  When extending an invitation that I plan on being a drop off, I say exactly that.  "Why don't you drop DS off about 1?".  

When DS was younger and it was questionable if it was drop off or not, I found that some moms said the above.  Or they would say "Let's plan on 1-3.  That will give you a couple hours to do whatever you need to do".  

If you're extended an invitation and it's not clear, just ask.  "Did you want me to drop him/her off or were you planning on my staying?" And just be open for whatever the answer is.  

I'll say that it was around 5 or 6 that it wasn't always clear.  But by late 6 and on, I always assume it's a drop off.

For good friends who I actually want to hang out with, I'll extend an invitation that is more along the lines of "Hey- let's have a moms happy hour!  The kids can run around and we can relax and catch up".  

[billie]

Aug 15, 2017 12:32:03 GMT -5 frozenpeas said:

billie, when you drop off for play dates have the parents made clear ahead of time that you shouldn't stay, or do you assume that's what they intend when they invite your kid over?

And, do you explicitly tell the other parents when extending an invitation for a play date at your house that they aren't expected to stay?

Asking for a friend . . .

Yes, there is one mom from DD's school who I don't know well who invited her over a couple of times and she was like "do you wanna drop A off to play with V for a couple of hours?". The first time DH did the drop off and he had to stay a little bit because DD had never been there and was shy and didn't want him to leave, but once she started playing he was able to leave.

I have issued some similar invitations and I'm clear also, like "why don't you drop off X at Y time".

I have a couple of close friends with similar age kids and I'm also clear if it's an invitation for both families to hang out or if I'm offering to babysit.

My older kid is only 4 though so if the invitation is unclear I assume I have to stay.

[librarychica]

I don't find dropoff play dates weird. I have a nonstandard work schedule and take kids home from DD's school with me all the time. But I know their parents at least a little bit. That part is a bit odd to me.

[HeartofCheese]

UPDATE: She ended up being pretty cool. Not single, only one kid, over 40. We only got about 20 min into the playdate though b/c my kids entered the forbidden zone (master bdrm) and tipped over our dresser. It was a miracle they weren't crushed, but DD did get hit on the head with a change jar which was pretty heavy. So we had to send BFF home and DD and DS cleaned as their punishment. It was terrible. BFF's mom seemed to understand, but I'm still pretty nervous she won't want to get them together again.

[supertrooper1]

That's great that she seemed cool. Hopefully she understands it was an accident and it won't interfere with future play dates.

[2chatter]

Oh wow! That is like my biggest semi-irrational fear. Our dressers are bolted to the walls - and now I feel vindicated because DH was unpleasant and procrastinatey about doing it. Glad it seemed normal and hope for a longer repeat!