Nanny driving question - opinions please

[traveltheworld]

Our nanny of 2 years lives with us - the arrangement came about because when we first hired her, she just moved to our city and since we had an extra self-contained unit in the house, we all agreed that she could live there in exchange for a lower wage.  When we moved cities (2.5 hours away from where we lived before), she came along with us.

We provide a vehicle for her so that she can drive the kids around during the day.  Initially, she asked if she could use the car at night occasionally, and we said yes.  But every since we moved, it has become a nightly thing - it works out to be 4 nights a week as she spends her weekends at her boyfriend's place.  
DH was making a comment last night about how she doesn't even ask if she could take the car out, it's just assumed that she could/would.  On one hand, I guess it bothers me a bit since she has never even offered to fill up on gas.  But on the other hand, she did come to our new city with us and has to bus back to our old city every weekend (which is $60 round-trip), she is great with the kids, and it's not like gas is a lot of money, so I feel like if I bring it up, I'm just being petty. Also, given how much she drives the car now, we are looking to change the insurance coverage - which will result in another $60/month.  I'm inclined to just pay for it, but DH doesn't agree.  He feels that since she made the voluntary choice to come with us, I shouldn't take that into consideration and should ask her to pay for the extra insurance.

What do you think?  Would you ask her to pay for the extra insurance and/or gas, or would you just leave it?

[saraml13]

Is she the only one using this car or is she sharing it with you or your husband?

[waverly]

I feel like it is kind of like an Au pair, so you may want to look into how they structure it with transportation and car useage to go to classes. Its been a while since I looked on the websites, but I know I had to allow or provide transportation a few evenings a week (maybe not 4), and I can't remember if they got a stipend for school or not, but I am assuming either that stipend from the program or from me would pay their gas.

Also, taking my car any night would not work for me schedule wise and especially not 4 nights. So that is very generous. I would probably pay for gas and insurance because yes she is kind of trapped there, and I don't mess with childcare situations. But it sounds like your H is upset, so you may want to put car use and insurance/ gas in a written agreement.

[waverly]

Aug 17, 2017 15:48:29 GMT -5 waverly said:

Dupp

[k3am]

Aug 17, 2017 15:34:44 GMT -5 saraml13 said:

Is she the only one using this car or is she sharing it with you or your husband?

This. If it's an extra car and it's not interfering with your day to day ability to operate, I wouldn't really mind. 

If you need justification to your husband, do the math for what it would cost to hire a new nanny, who may or may not live with you, who you may or may not like, and pay that rate. I'm guessing it's significantly lower to keep on doing what you're doing. 

[traveltheworld]

We have 2 cars and we all share. Typically we don't have evening engagements so it's not a big deal that she takes one of the two cars, but there have been a few times where we needed both cars and realized that the second car was gone.

It's coming up now because we are about to renew her contract (to which she is getting a 20% raise) and we just bought a house and are going to spend a significant amount of money to finish the basement so that she can continue to live with us. We don't really care whether or not she lives with us, but she prefers to and has made it a condition. I think DH is annoyed about that substantial investment and is channeling it into all these little things. My thinking is that we'd need to finish the basement in any event since we'd want his parents to come visit, so we shouldn't take that into consideration.

It's hard. My parents, DH's parents and DH have all been complaining to me about what they perceive to be her flaws. While I concede that she is not perfect, the kids love her, and I really dread having to go through the process of finding another nanny. None of them helped the last time so none of them realizes how much work it is and how it could go very badly if you don't have the right person.

[sdlaura]

I'm currently trying to find more babysitters now that we have added another kid, and I didn't fully realize how hard it is, since we've always done daycare before. If you mostly like and trust her, I would put up with this annoyance. Or maybe just try to put more of a framework around it in terms of designating certain nights and asking her to fill it up sometimes.

[2chatter]

If she isn't sharing the car with one of y'all I would present this as a raise and detail out the expenses. Raise done, no additional changes to comp pending.

[librarychica]

I would be annoyed if I didn't have my car when I needed it. But, like you said, a good nanny is hard to find.

I would formalize the car arrangements (she can use it X nights a week or with a certain amount of notice). Personally I wouldn't worry about the gas expense. Tracking mileage is a PITA.

[supertrooper1]

I wouldn't mind her using it for short trips, but it would be annoying if I needed it and it wasn't there. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her taking it for the weekend. I think it's time to set car boundaries.

[mommyatty]

If you are all sharing the 2 cars, I would remind her that she needs to make sure no one else needs the car before taking it in the evenings. Beyond that, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless she was snotty about it when you remind her to ask.

I get where your hubs is coming from, though. A 20% raise is significant. Plus shelling out to renovate/furnish a space for her to live with you. Plus a free car. Other than voluntarily paying for a bus to go visit her boyfriend, what expenses does she have? That's a pretty sweet setup.

[k3am]

I might even be inclined to get a cheap car that she can use entirely at her discretion. (We sold DH's still cute two door sports coupe for $1500. I don't think anyone would have been embarrassed driving it and it ran well. Cheap doesn't necessarily mean an old jalopy)

Is the 20% raise something you've already talked about? How did you get to that number? Is it negotiable? That's a HUGE increase.

[billie]

I'd have a talk with her and try and set some boundaries as to when she can use the car or if she needs to tell you first. Or you tell her beforehand if you're gonna need the car.

I just came I here to say that I hate the people complaining about the nanny thing. It is the worst. Whenever MH starts to complain too much about the nanny I tell him he's welcome to fire her and find a new one. He has yet to do it.

[traveltheworld]

Aug 17, 2017 21:52:12 GMT -5 k3am said:

I might even be inclined to get a cheap car that she can use entirely at her discretion. (We sold DH's still cute two door sports coupe for $1500. I don't think anyone would have been embarrassed driving it and it ran well. Cheap doesn't necessarily mean an old jalopy)

Is the 20% raise something you've already talked about? How did you get to that number? Is it negotiable? That's a HUGE increase.

The 20% raise is so that she'd stay with us in this city. It more than offsets her travel costs. We also agreed that once the basement is finished, her boyfriend is welcome to visit and stay there on weekends.

mommyatty, objectively, I do think that she has a pretty sweet gig. We cover room and board, gym membership, and car. In the new school year, DS will be going to half day kindergarten and DD will be going to daycare 2 days a week, but we are not cutting her hours and have just asked her to do more household maintenance stuff. But again, I try to keep in mind that these are things WE negotiated, so unless there's a complaint about her job performance, we really shouldn't be penalizing her by somehow holding her to a higher standard. Unfortunately both sets of grandparents and DH all seem to lose sight of that and whenever the topic comes up, it's always the "oh but she has such a sweet gig and...."

[traveltheworld]

Aug 17, 2017 21:58:19 GMT -5 billie said:

I'd have a talk with her and try and set some boundaries as to when she can use the car or if she needs to tell you first. Or you tell her beforehand if you're gonna need the car.

I just came I here to say that I hate the people complaining about the nanny thing. It is the worst. Whenever MH starts to complain too much about the nanny I tell him he's welcome to fire her and find a new one. He has yet to do it.

Yup exactly. My mother is the worst. She always complains about how our nanny really has an easy time compared to others and that she should be doing more. But then if she watches the kids for a few hours, she complains about how stressful it is and then hands them the iPad. I remind her that our nanny never lets the kids use electronics and runs them exhausted with good physical activities and tons of outdoor time. And reads to the kids for at least an hour a day. And bakes and does crafts with them. And a hundred other things.

Ok in writing that out, I just realized how great she is and we should just leave the whole car thing alone. 😝

[dragon's breath]

One thing I noticed was "We also agreed that once the basement is finished, her boyfriend is welcome to visit and stay there on weekends."

I would be very careful about this unless you wouldn't mind another permanent resident. Many rental agreements have that house guests are only allowed to stay x number of days in a row, with a total of x number of days per year. I would get something with boundaries/limitations in the agreement so you can avoid surprises/being taken advantage of later. Also, maybe somehow approving them? What happens if she breaks up with this bf and wants to have a new one staying over, who you might not care for, or don't feel comfortable having around the kids?

[erinshelley21]

Aug 17, 2017 21:52:12 GMT -5 k3am said:

I might even be inclined to get a cheap car that she can use entirely at her discretion. (We sold DH's still cute two door sports coupe for $1500. I don't think anyone would have been embarrassed driving it and it ran well. Cheap doesn't necessarily mean an old jalopy)

Is the 20% raise something you've already talked about? How did you get to that number? Is it negotiable? That's a HUGE increase.

I would do this. Even leasing a vehicle might be a good option. 

She does seem to have a pretty great gig, but it sounds like it's beneficial to both sides. 

I would also be hesitant to let the boyfriend stay very often and without some sort of agreement up front that he only stays one weekend a month or something like that.

[indyrowergirl]

Assuming you haven't discussed any of this with her yet, I'd:
*kill the 20% raise and go with something lower
*get a 3rd car for her to use (something cheaper than the difference from that raise). You cover car, maintenance and insurance, she covers gas and any deductible or raise in rates if she has an accident.
*don't invite the boyfriend to stay - that just had trouble written all over it.

You've already got a bunch of changes (including several wins for her) in this round of negotiations. Save some carrots for next year.

[HeartofCheese]

Somehow I don't think YH would view paying more and using the car more (i.e., buying or leasing a 3rd car) as a favorable solution to a complaint about the excessive use and cost of a car. Lol.

You just moved within the last 3 mos or so, right? I would figure out where she's going and try to figure out how to get her there (or fill whatever need she's trying to fill) with some kind of alternative. I'd approach it with, "Every once in awhile we need the car during the week, but notice you have it. I don't want to make regulating your use or having you ask permission a regular thing - especially b/c I think we're all still just trying to get used to being in a new place - but I'd like to make sure we all have access to the car when it's necessary. Do you have any suggestions (other than buying a 3rd car)? Is there anything you've discovered you need here that we could help with?" Then let her throw out suggestions. She might have something completely doable in mind or even tell you about an issue she has that has nothing to do with the car.

[traveltheworld]

Yup, a third car is not feasible. We only have a 2 car garage. Neither of our current cars are great cars, so that isn't an issue. I think DH is just annoyed about her taking the car out without asking, which is something we can definitely address separately.

As to the boyfriend staying over, he is only going to do that on weekends when he is visiting, we've made it clear that he is not to be alone in the house with the kids (and I can't see a time when he would), and our nanny did make a point of introducing him to us. We feel reasonably comfortable with the guy. He seems like a nice enough dude.

[billie]

Aug 17, 2017 22:29:45 GMT -5 traveltheworld said:

Aug 17, 2017 21:58:19 GMT -5 billie said:

I'd have a talk with her and try and set some boundaries as to when she can use the car or if she needs to tell you first. Or you tell her beforehand if you're gonna need the car.

I just came I here to say that I hate the people complaining about the nanny thing. It is the worst. Whenever MH starts to complain too much about the nanny I tell him he's welcome to fire her and find a new one. He has yet to do it.

Yup exactly. My mother is the worst. She always complains about how our nanny really has an easy time compared to others and that she should be doing more. But then if she watches the kids for a few hours, she complains about how stressful it is and then hands them the iPad. I remind her that our nanny never lets the kids use electronics and runs them exhausted with good physical activities and tons of outdoor time. And reads to the kids for at least an hour a day. And bakes and does crafts with them. And a hundred other things.

Ok in writing that out, I just realized how great she is and we should just leave the whole car thing alone. 😝

I think we have the same mom. She sounds like a great nanny. Someone who works for you, in your house, and also lives with you is always gonna annoy you to some extent. But finding someone who does all that awesome nanny stuff AND you can trust AND you can afford AND your kids like is NOT EASY.

We fired our nanny of two years in March and hired a new one very recently and it's been hard on everyone.