If he is on medication for anxiety it sounds like the medication isn't working.
Would he be more comfortable if the grandparents watched your son at your house?
He doesn't have panic attacks anymore, or if he does, he can take another pill to calm himself down. But he still worries about everything.
He still doesn't want the grandparents to watch DS at our house either. He thinks my parents won't watch him closely enough. He thinks his mom would complain about the commitment, although she offers all of the time. He thinks my birth mom would smoke pot at our house. She would not. She knows our view on pot and even though her BF smokes daily, she rarely does.
supertrooper1, do you like the water? If you do have you tried kayaking? After reading all of this and the GTKY I realized that I really miss being out in my boat or SUP. One it is great exercise and two being out on the water and just communing with nature (water lapping at the boat, birds, fish jumping, beavers at work) is just relaxing. During the summer you have to share the lakes and rivers with all the tourist and stuff but once September comes the lakes and rivers become more peaceful and relaxing.
Family date night ideas: mini golf and pizza, water park, scenic train ride (there is in one in Hood River that is okay), whale watching tour???
DH and I can't do a lot of stuff that we did before DD either as they are all day 12+ hour activities that little kids would be bored to death by and truthfully I even got bored. Archery competitions, 10+ mile hikes, marathon kayak trips, river running. I know DH has had a hard time adjusting to not doing that stuff as a family and he refuses to do it without us so has given up on a bunch of his time consuming hobbies.
Post by supertrooper1 on Aug 22, 2017 13:06:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestions 186momx. We actually own our own kayaks but haven't used them since DS was born. But even before DS, it was like pulling teeth to get DH to go kayaking because he hated taking the canopy off of his truck and putting on the racks. But maybe I could go by myself.
Your DH's anxiety issues sound very similar to mine in effect. I have started not really paying attention and it's helped. What I mean is - he for instance freaked out when we went to float the river and said he would stay home with the kids. I told him no and walked away. Zero engagement. I put his bag in the car. I gave him a thirty minute til departure warning. He kept trying to ask if the kids would be ok. If he should stay. I proceeded like he wasn't speaking. After we were on the road I asked him about it. But we never argued and I was never stressed. HE was stressed. Me being stressed would not have helped and we would have argued.
Let him manage his issue where possible. It really made it easier for me to breathe. When I stopped indulging DH he started seeing a psychiatrist. They adjusted his meds. Tough love at work!
I do think part of your struggle is how depleting dealing with an anxious person can be. Sometimes it easier to sit at home than try to overcome, but that's ... depressing.
supertrooper1, go by yourself. What kayak do you have? Can you just tie it down in the back of the truck with the canopy still attached? We do this with our plastic shorter boats but need the racks for our 16" fiberglass Eddyline boats and my SUP.
DD loves to kayak with us. We actually bought her a kid boat and just attach a short tow strap so when she gets tired we can easily tow her. I also have had her riding with me in my boat or on my SUP since she was super little. What I'm saying is don't let DS stop you from kayaking and being out and enjoying the water.
Post by supertrooper1 on Aug 22, 2017 15:53:55 GMT -5
186momx ,I have an Islander kayak that we bought on a Costco special years ago. We could tie one in the back of the truck. I brought up Kayaking with DS but DH doesn't feel comfortable with him yet. We're pretty novice kayakers.
ETA: If DH could wrap DS up in bubble wrap, he would.
supertrooper1 - is DS picking up on this? DS here is 5 and has long refused to SUP or canoe or kayak. In Memphis he picked up from DH that canoeing wasn't safe. I pushed it and we went canoeing and DS enjoyed it. DH was nervous but what's new? My new focus is to insulate the kids so they don't feel like they should be wrapped in cotton wool.
Despite DH's objections, I took DS to the pool and he did the surfing simulator and was really proud of himself. I bought DS a Razor (three wheel) scooter and he went from being terrified to being impossible to keep up with. DH objected to a high school afternoon sitter and I hired one. DS asked her yesterday if she was in college. She said no. He asked her if he would be safe with her. She handled it well, but it's for sure something that's seeping in.
supertrooper1 - is DS picking up on this? DS here is 5 and has long refused to SUP or canoe or kayak. In Memphis he picked up from DH that canoeing wasn't safe. I pushed it and we went canoeing and DS enjoyed it. DH was nervous but what's new? My new focus is to insulate the kids so they don't feel like they should be wrapped in cotton wool.
Despite DH's objections, I took DS to the pool and he did the surfing simulator and was really proud of himself. I bought DS a Razor (three wheel) scooter and he went from being terrified to being impossible to keep up with. DH objected to a high school afternoon sitter and I hired one. DS asked her yesterday if she was in college. She said no. He asked her if he would be safe with her. She handled it well, but it's for sure something that's seeping in.
You get the idea. Pick one thing. And go for it!
* I am going to second this.
If your child hears day in and day out that he can't or it's not safe or he is too little he is going to have anxiety issues when he is older. I have a friend right now who is in therapy because of that exact problem. Her mom and dad still tell her what she can and can't do. It hasn't taken a lot of growth on her part to step out from their fears to have her own life.
I really do think we have to encourage our children to do things that scare us if they can handle it. Obviously if they are terrified and distraught it is different. We want them to be strong independent people.
Your husbands fear of everything and everyone is going to cause damage to your son in the long run. He has to make connections with people outside of you and him. It is healthy to do that. As long as DS is verbal and can follow directions there is no reason he can't go out on a kayak. Put him in a life vest and let him have fun.
I am sorry if I sound harsh I don't mean to. Please don't let your husbands issues become your kids issues. Please.
I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but wanted you to know I'm sending virtual support.
Take the time to yourself. It's when things get close to what you're experiencing that I'm super grateful for work conferences or evening events. It may still be work, but it's time away for me.
I've also had much more success managing the impact of DH's anxiety on our lives (mine and DD's) when I just ignore it and go about my business. You're not sure about something. Ok, DD and I are leaving in 20 mins, let me know if you are coming. I think I learned this from 2chatter and it's been life changing.
Post by traveltheworld on Aug 22, 2017 22:06:56 GMT -5
I second (third?) xctsclrx's point. I have anxiety issues and we started noticing that DS was exhibiting some symptoms as well. We finally took him to get evaluated and although he is generally a very happy kid, his anxiety score was very high. It finally forced me to address my own anxiety issues as well. Perhaps this is something you can bring up to your DH too - although I understand that can be a very difficult conversation to have. I wasn't willing to deal with my own anxiety and took great offence to DH pointing it out to me, but having a professional tell me that my child was suffering from anxiety and was on the borderline for an anxiety disorder really forced me to take action and deal with my own anxiety.