I'm sinking

[supertrooper1]

I need help. I feel like I'm sinking into depression more and more every day. It used to be that I had a few blue days here and there, but now it's a few good days here and there. I got a referral from my EAP for counseling, but now I just need to get up the nerve to make the appointment. I'm not sure what else I should be doing. A regular doctor's appointment too? 

DH and I seem to fight a lot. Or rather he gets mad and I just clam up. For example, this morning he was getting ready for work and knew I was planning on taking DS to a playground while I watched the eclipse. I had glasses for both of us. But a few days ago, DH panicked about eye damage, so I decided I would watch it and DS wouldn't. This morning, DH started yelling at me that I was going to cause blindness in DS because I wasn't going to have him watch. He thought DS would just look up at the sun, even if I didn't say anything to him about it. It didn't even get dark here, so no chance of that. I ended up being able to watch it at home while DS was in the house. 

DS has been a problem child lately. It seems to be a 4 year old phase. This morning, I caught him scratching the side of my piano with a metal watering can that DH left out. His behavior has been trying. 

I've complained about work here before too. I have lazy coworkers and I'm burned out from all of the overtime. I have no motivation to do anything, work related or at home.  

I need suggestions on how to get through this. Once I make my counseling appointment, how do I get the most out of it? I went once a few years ago but the counselor and I didn't click. 

[billie]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I can relate to the job burn out and four year old.

When I have had bad stretches at work, if there's nothing you can do to change it, it helps me to detach from work as much as possible and try to devote more mental energy to a hobby or project or something.

Also helpful were activities where I couldn't really think while doing them like yoga, Pilates or jiu-jitsu. Helps to disconnect and recharge for a while.

I was in counseling for most of last year and it helps so much. If you don't like or don't connect with the counselor you should definitely try others. A good counselor should also be able to come up with a plan with you as to what you want out of the sessions and what success looks like (so you're not going there forever and ever with no end in sight).

I will also say that I'm finding four to be a really challenging age. So much back talking and testing us.

[xctsclrx]

I don't know how to make the most out of counciling, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry you have so much going on right now.

It sucks when it seems like every part of your life is problematic. There is no escape.

Is the overtime going to come to an end soon?

[librarychica]

I am sorry you're going through this. I would make an appointment and talk to my GP as well.

If you don't click with a counselor, don't be afraid to try another one.

Also, your H could use some conflict management counseling or something. Maybe counseling on how own or counseling together. He seems to berate you a lot. It's not warranted and it can't be helping.

[supertrooper1]

Thanks all.
Overtime will slow down some after October 1st.
DH sought help for PPA 4 years ago and thinks it's under control since he's on medication. But he doesn't see himself as a problem.

[traveltheworld]

First of all, I'm sorry.

I know it sounds like such a cliche, but are you doing anything to take care of YOU? That is so important.

A few years ago, I sunk into a pretty bad depression and went to see a counselor. I think I spent the first session just crying. I didn't really feel like I "clicked" with her either, but she was sympathetic, and I really needed to just cry and have someone listen to me. A few sessions in, she asked me to write down 3 things that I enjoy doing AND that I have done in the past 6 months. I had none. It was a big revelation. She then asked that I go back and think on 3 things that I would do to make myself feel better - not something that would advance my career, improve my relationship with DH, etc., just something that would help ME bring some joy back in my life - the saddest part was, even after a week, I couldn't come up with anything.

I ended up taking a 3 months sabbatical. It made DH realize how serious I was about needing help improving my mental state, and gave me the breathing room I needed.

I don't know if taking time off is feasible for you, but I'm glad you are going to counselling - and keep going after the first session even if it doesn't seem to be paying off right away. And have an honest and frank discussion with your DH. Maybe schedule some babysitting so that you can spend a day/night on this discussion with him. I have a tendency to bottle up my feelings too and find it incredibly hard to communicate with my DH when I'm stressed/depressed and generally need a lot of alone time with him before I feel comfortable enough to talk about these types of feelings.

[campermom]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time! Counseling can be such a life changer. First I hope your OT settles down. Mental and physical exhaustion can definitely make things worse.

If after a few sessions you aren't clicking with this counselor, find a new one. They are all different people with different styles, training, and treatment approaches, so it's not a bad thing to move onto a different one.

Medication can make an enormous difference too, if you've thought about pairing meds with counseling.

Also, sometimes making the call for the first appointment is the hardest part. Keeping you in my thoughts-this can very well be the start of a new chapter for you.

[erinshelley21]

Good for you for taking that step to get yourself the help you need. A regular Dr appt might not be a bad idea to make sure your levels are where they shouldn't for for your iron and thyroid. I had no idea that low iron can lead to depression until I went to the doctor for PPD.

I have no idea how to get the most out of therapy since I keep trying to make an appt and keep running into roadblocks.

I have been on Zoloft since the end of April and I will say it has helped. Exercise and therapy in forms of exercise and other things like crafting or shopping even helps.

I hope you find some peace soon. Feeling the way you're feeling is not fun and you deserve to be happy.

[mommyatty]

I keep trying to get up the courage to go. So I'm not helpful, other than to say you should go. And give it time. DH and I did marriage counseling, and it took a few months for it to feel like anything was working, but in the long run, it saved our marriage.

[waverly]

Definitely call a counselor. I clicked enough with both of mine so it wasn't a big deal like I had to hunt around a ton.

Work has definitely been getting to me too and just feeling more stuck, so we have made or are making small changes within our frame work where we can. They aren't worse maybe a little better and just different a little is good. Some of that has been changing jobs more on H's side.

From some of the stuff you have said your H sounds I don't know kind of rigid maybe or like you two aren't very similar and having a hard time agreeing on things. Some of the counseling can be spent on this.

[olenka]

I can relate to a looooottt of that right now. I am sorry you're struggling. Hopefully you will click with the counselor but if not , keep shopping around. For me, my moods will turn around with stuff as simple as a date night with my SO (few and far between, though), time spent with friends, or exercise. Sometimes it's not that simple though.

And yeah, talking to your Dr can't hurt either.

[2chatter]

I am so sorry things aren't great but excited that you are motivated and they will get better!

For me, the three biggest things are diet, exercise and sleep. If any of those things falter my mood does too. Top that off with the blood panels I had run and the low dose hormones/thyroid meds and I do well. So I'd suggest a full blood panel at a women's clinic that regularly maximizes levels for women (not as in max dose, but max performance). It made a world of difference for me.

About the counselor - I haven't gone to one I clicked with or liked but I viewed it with an objective - solve the problem/get the tools and feel better. I hope it helps!!

[twinmomma]

One thing that helped me in the past was to make a list of things that are bothering me. Even in the moment, just writing down those triggers and things that are upsetting to me - a work incident, a fight with DH, etc... Then I felt like I had something to "do" at a therapy session in the beginning. I didn't feel like I had to suddenly figure out how to bare my soul to a stranger, I was just getting advice on those specific issues, which can then lead to better discussions.

I hope finding a therapist helps you to feel better. Good work taking the first step to reach out for help!

[HeartofCheese]

How do you spend your freetime?

For me, I've found that escaping or doing something that turns my brain off for awhile is actually not helpful. Lately I've been going out on the patio and having coffee or a beer at night instead. Sometimes I play a game, sometimes I just write stuff down, but just having a change in scenery seems to help me remember who I am outside of all the day-to-day demands.

ETA: Hugs, supertrooper. I hope you feel better soon.

[kimberlybb]

So sorry to hear that you are struggling. I had PPD after DD. It was horrible. If you are open to medication I would make an appointment with your GP. As far as getting the most out of counseling, I would spend some time thinking about what your ultimate goal is before your first session. Is it to feel better in general, improve your relationship with your DH, better emotional regulation, etc. Maybe your DH could attend a therapy session too. I had a hard time communicating with my DH about what I was feeling during PDD. He would get really frustrated because I was acting irrationally from his perspective. The therapist helped me articulate what I was experiencing and how he could best support me. Things weren’t perfect but he was a lot more empathetic and patient after that. So glad that you reached out to get some help. Sometimes that is the hardest part!

[sweetptater]

DH and I go through phases where we fight all the time. The only thing that works for us is to get away, whether it's for the day or, better yet, the weekend. Get away from the house, the responsibilities, the kids, the dogs, everything. Just reconnect, just the two of us, with no stress. It's pretty much the only time we remember that OH! We actually DO like each other! lol! Do you have that option? Even a date night is better than nothing.

I hear you though, it's so tough. You're not alone in this at all. Kids, work, husband, home - it all adds up. Lexapro helps me.

[jlaok]

The hardest part of counseling is making that first call, but DO IT!!!! I've been in counseling for 2.5 years and it has been life changing. I have anxiety and medication gave me such bad side effects that it wasn't worth taking. I have no idea "how" counseling is helping but I'm 100% a different person. I don't feel different but I know I handle things much better and DH and my close friends can tell a huge difference. Clearly, I'm a fan.

Hope everything gets better soon. Take a day for yourself if you need to. Self care is #1 priority.

[supertrooper1]

Thank you all for your support.

traveltheworld, that sounds very familiar. I don't think I could name 3 things right now.
HeartofCheese, I come home, eat dinner and spend my evening watching tv and playing games on my tablet. I have no motivation to do anything else. I think that is a good idea to force myself to switch it up.
sweetptater, DH and I had a date night in June for our anniversary which didn't go so well because he was on his phone and some other things. We had a day date a couple of weeks ago and I realized we just don't seem to have much in common anymore. We did have a good day, but then came home and he flipped out over a couple of stupid things, and it all started because I turned on the kitchen light and it bothered him. He won't go on an overnight trip away from DS because he doesn't trust anyone to watch him overnight.
2chatter, you've mentioned the blood work here before, and I keep thinking I should do that. I need to just schedule an appointment.

I haven't been exercising like I should. Sleep is hit or miss. I work so early that most days I just want to come home and take a nap. I've been eating too much. In the last couple months I've gained about 10 pounds, which has been from overeating and not exercising.

[twinmomma]

supertrooper1, Another thing I've done to try to give myself a break and shift my attitude is to listen to self-help and funny audiobooks on my commute. I was listening to NPR and the negativity of the news was starting to really get to me and put me in a bad headspace to start my day. Let me know if you want some recommendations.

[2chatter]

@supertrooper that allll sounds overwhelming. I'd say choose one thing to focus on and do it - sleep, exercise, diet, DH, scheduling a doctor appointment. Don't think about the other things until you complete one. Then focus on the next one. Hang in there.

[erinshelley21]

Are at home date nights possible? What were things that you guys had in common when you were dating or newly married?

Since he doesn't want to leave your son overnight, is it possible that you 3 go on an overnight or weekend trip? Maybe swing for a suite type room so that after your son goes to bed you guys can have some quality time.

[mellym]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but you are strong to take the first step to feeling better. I hope you can find a counselor that clicks. Can a counselor prescribe medication? If not, you may want to see your doctor too so they can run blood work and prescriptions if needed.

Also, be kind to yourself. This is such an exhausting and stressful time of life with young kids.

[sweetptater]

Aug 22, 2017 9:06:35 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

Are at home date nights possible? What were things that you guys had in common when you were dating or newly married?

Since he doesn't want to leave your son overnight, is it possible that you 3 go on an overnight or weekend trip? Maybe swing for a suite type room so that after your son goes to bed you guys can have some quality time.

I like the suite idea! Go somewhere like Great Wolf Lodge so that the kids is worn completely out at night and goes to bed early. 

[supertrooper1]

At the beginning of July, I took almost 2 weeks off. It included a 3 night trip and then a 6 night road trip. I think I even mentioned here that it felt like we reconnected. But as soon as we got home to no water and a broken pressure tank, everything went out the window. Life seems to be getting in the way.

Pre-DS, we didn't do much. We went gambling at our local casino often, would go out to a bar for drinks, or go to a gun range (not after the bar). We can't do any of those things with DS and DH quit drinking. On our dates, which don't happen very often, we usually end up at the casino. I don't mind but I want to change it up. I came up with several options for our last one, like a newly opened pinball bar, but he shot down my idea.

I like the idea of setting goals for what I want out of counseling. I can't change him or work, so I guess I need to work on my mental health. Now that school is starting, I should be able to exercise a little more because I have 2 afternoons a week that I have 1.5 hours to myself. I just have to be motivated, because when I'm not, I tend to come home and take a nap. Which isn't always bad if I'm really tired. But I think not being in the right mental space is making me feel tired when I'm really not.

[xctsclrx]

supertrooper1 , Why doesn't your DH trust anyone to watch him? Isn't he four going on five? It sounds like your DH might be having some anxiety issues.

Can you guys go out for a family bike ride or walk depending on DS, or maybe a laser tag place with him. That way no babysitter, all of you guys have fun. I have realized as an adult you still need time to play.

Not sure what is around you, but see if you can look up some local (maybe even free) family activities.

[supertrooper1]

We have 3 sets of grandparents within an hour of us, but he doesn't trust any of them to watch DS. I trust all 3. We have a couple babysitters, but he wouldn't want to leave DS with them overnight. He does have anxiety issues and is on medication for it. Ironically, we recently had a safety issue with someone he trusted. Everything is fine, but it could have been bad. DS will never be allowed at his friend's house again.

I think I have DH talked into trying bowling as an activity for all of us. Bike riding is difficult as we live on a rural road with no shoulders, so we would have to go somewhere. DH is content staying home and watching tv, so sometimes it can be difficult to get him to do activities. I often do these things with DS on my days off.

[traveltheworld]

Aug 22, 2017 10:57:18 GMT -5 xctsclrx said:

supertrooper1 , Why doesn't your DH trust anyone to watch him? Isn't he four going on five? It sounds like your DH might be having some anxiety issues.

Can you guys go out for a family bike ride or walk depending on DS, or maybe a laser tag place with him. That way no babysitter, all of you guys have fun. I have realized as an adult you still need time to play.

Not sure what is around you, but see if you can look up some local (maybe even free) family activities.

I second the family bike ride / walk idea.  I think being outside together doing some form of physical activity is great.  We finally got DS off of training wheels and now we go for a family bike ride almost every night.  Sometimes I don't want to go because I'm tired, but I tell myself that I just have to do a few blocks, then we always end up doing more and I always feel better afterwards.  We also try to hike every weekend.  While DS and DD are busy trying to make it up the trail, DH and I would have nice conversations.  I find that we all start irritating each other if we are in the house for an extended period of time.  Yes, our house becomes a disaster zone on weekends, but in my view it's worth it.  And the kids are usually so tired by the end of the day that they crash quickly, leaving some time for DH and I to decompress and reconnect.

[billie]

I know it's hard getting the motivation to exercise when you're tired, but at least for me when I exercise regularly I feel less tired, not more. I bet if you use that time to exercise instead of nap you'll feel more energized.

From what you wrote I think you and YH would benefit from couples therapy to reconnect and better communicate. Hugs, this stuff is so hard.

[covergirl82]

I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to add my support, supertrooper1. I think it's a good first step to talk with a counselor, maybe consider couples therapy as others suggested. And hopefully when your OT settles down, you will start to feel a little better. I agree with others that exhaustion can cause emotional and physical harm.

I also think adding a family activity is a great idea. Maybe go to a park or playground, or you could even stay home and play cards or board games. I would also agree that adding in a calming exercise (yoga, tai chi, walking) might help as well.

[erinshelley21]

If he is on medication for anxiety it sounds like the medication isn't working.

Would he be more comfortable if the grandparents watched your son at your house?