How to teach my 1 year old to be gentle

[hungrycaterpillar]

He's a beast. He's constantly stepping, climbing etc all over me and while I know he doesn't mean to hurt me I'm getting less tolerant of it. When frustrated he either hits/swats/bites or throws himself directly backwards on the floor. He's climbing the couch and then either running the length of it or jumping off. Needless to say he is very active at 16 months.

We try to discipline with a firm no and saying: we don't bite and then he goes into "time out" for about a minute. I don't know where he learned to hit. We never hit and he doesn't go to daycare.

I'm just frustrated. He gets so angry at the smallest things when he doesn't get his way. This is normal, right?

[usuallylurking]

Constant redirection. You're honestly at my least favorite stage because they're mobile, into everything, and you basically have to be their 24/7 shadow when they're up and about to be able to catch their behavior. They're hilarious at that age, but it's work.

We didn't do time outs at that age. Just "we don't hit/throw/whatever" constantly. A lot of catching their hand while mid strike/throw and remind that "we don't hit/throw." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Sounds normal to me

[nsl]

At this age it's instinct, pure and simple. There's no "learning to hit;" he hits because it's what feels right and natural when he needs to lash out. Keep redirecting, keep showing him that the behavior doesn't lead to a desirable outcome. Repeat 1,000,000,000 times.

Seriously, toddlers are awful. They just are. It does get better.

[Kristinmo]

It's all instinct at this point, not learned behavior. Only advice is to continue to redirect and wait for him to get older.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Thanks guys. I pretty much figured it had to be instinct. I wish it was easier.

[mala]

I think it was around that age that I would just tell her no, then get up and move away (if I could do it without leaving her in a position where she could get hurt). She got it really fast that if she did something to hurt me, I was going to get up and move away.

[darnkatz]

It's totally normal and developmentally appropriate. He doesn't know how to express himself yet so he just does what feels right. I teach a class of 12 17-mo to 30-mo olds and they are either going through this or have just moved past it. Use constant redirection and offer other alternatives. I like to say, "Oh, you are MAD, aren't you? XYZ made you so mad that you hit, but our hands are not for hitting (feet not for kicking, teeth not for biting, etc). Let's do XYZ instead to help you feel better." I also like to take their hands and gently touch my arm or their friend's arm and say, "We use gentle touches." They move on after a while. 

[noodle]

I takes most of my cues from DS's daycare providers. They take his hand and demonstrate "gentle touches" on whatever he is touching too forcefully. And they try to demonstrate the same gentle touch on him so he feels it and makes the connection. So he hits my face, I grab his hand and show him how to touch it softly, then have him touch his arm/face/whatever I can manage in the moment.

We have been doing this for months with our cats, since he wants to grab their fur and doesn't realize that he is annoying them. I just noticed this weekend that he is getting more gentle with them and pets them really sweetly now.

Of course, he is almost 13 months, so I'm sure he is just going to get more rough as he grows and starts walking independently.

[VillainV]

Definitely a phase, and developmentally normal. Also, one is the perfect age for the sign for "gentle." We love babysignlanguage.com for learning signs.

[thebreakfastclub]

I once read that kids under 18m are developmentally on par with chimpanzees, hence the biting and hitting. I would not bother with time outs and just redirect & say gentle hands, etc.

[Deleted]

Patience and wine.

They don't grasp timeouts or concepts like "gentle" really yet at that age.

[macmars45]

I say gentle and make his hand do gentle on whatever he hit/grabbed/yanked/pinched etc. If he bites me I say no bite, put him down & walk away.
I do flick his hand if he is intentionally mean to our cat after I just showed him gentle. Like we just did gentle pets together, he looks right at me and then yanks her tail. And when he pulls my hair I pull his to show him it doesn't feel good.

[lolo]

This is the approach I follow: www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/biting-hitting-kicking-and-other-challenging-toddler-behavior/

[woodgnome]

Everyone else has good advice. I will say that this got a lot better when my son became more verbal. He turned 2 in June & he still has his moments of being physical but nowhere near what it was before he could speak well.

[Sloane]

I feel for you, DS was like this for a long time too. I repeated myself, showed what "gentle" would look like, etc. Like most of my parenting techniques, I'm never sure if they outgrow it, or if it was my influence. With DS I suspect it was related to language too and extreme frustration at not being able to keep up with DD, now that he's in preschool with his peers and can express himself better, he's nearly stopped altogether. When he does get rough, it's nearly reflexive and alomost always means he's overtired.

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2017 5:54:02 GMT -5 noodle said:

I takes most of my cues from DS's daycare providers. They take his hand and demonstrate "gentle touches" on whatever he is touching too forcefully. And they try to demonstrate the same gentle touch on him so he feels it and makes the connection. So he hits my face, I grab his hand and show him how to touch it softly, then have him touch his arm/face/whatever I can manage in the moment.

We have been doing this for months with our cats, since he wants to grab their fur and doesn't realize that he is annoying them. I just noticed this weekend that he is getting more gentle with them and pets them really sweetly now.

Of course, he is almost 13 months, so I'm sure he is just going to get more rough as he grows and starts walking independently.

This is my 8 month old. He looooves the cats but he has no concept of gentle yet, so he just grabs handfuls of their fur or their whiskers or a leg. I've been demonstrating "gentle" to him every time for months. Here's hoping it sinks in soon. Poor kitties.

[spitforspat]

I'm just here to commiserate- this is a hard age!

[loira]

Commiseration here. My 19 month old DD can get like that, hitting and trying to bite me when frustrated. I do the same as pps suggested. Try to anticipate it, hold her hands firmly and say no, we don't hit etc. She's now learned that when someone says "ouch!" it means they're unhappy at the very least (not sure she understands the concept of hurt yet - obviously we don't do the 'bite back' thing), and she'll switch to giving me a hug. She's very verbal, so I really try to encourage her to use her words, tell me what she wants, tell her I understand that she's frustrated.

[macmars45]

Sept 5, 2017 10:34:38 GMT -5 @fs said:

Sept 5, 2017 5:54:02 GMT -5 noodle said:

I takes most of my cues from DS's daycare providers. They take his hand and demonstrate "gentle touches" on whatever he is touching too forcefully. And they try to demonstrate the same gentle touch on him so he feels it and makes the connection. So he hits my face, I grab his hand and show him how to touch it softly, then have him touch his arm/face/whatever I can manage in the moment.

We have been doing this for months with our cats, since he wants to grab their fur and doesn't realize that he is annoying them. I just noticed this weekend that he is getting more gentle with them and pets them really sweetly now.

Of course, he is almost 13 months, so I'm sure he is just going to get more rough as he grows and starts walking independently.

This is my 8 month old. He looooves the cats but he has no concept of gentle yet, so he just grabs handfuls of their fur or their whiskers or a leg. I've been demonstrating "gentle" to him every time for months. Here's hoping it sinks in soon. Poor kitties.

It took my DS from 8-15 months to finally sometimes be gentle with our cat. It was a long 7 months. And we're still not there. *sigh*

[noodleoo]

Yup, I remember that phase. At 27 months, she's much better although still can be rough when she's made. I think that was the time when I bought the books "Hands are not for hitting" and "Teeth are not for biting" off Amazon. I think it helped a little to read them with her, but more likely she just finally outgrew it.

[miso]

I'm impressed with all the advice.

My take is that you can't teach a one-year-old anything.

Well, at least, I can't. LOL.

[noodle]

Sept 5, 2017 10:34:38 GMT -5 @fs said:

Sept 5, 2017 5:54:02 GMT -5 noodle said:

I takes most of my cues from DS's daycare providers. They take his hand and demonstrate "gentle touches" on whatever he is touching too forcefully. And they try to demonstrate the same gentle touch on him so he feels it and makes the connection. So he hits my face, I grab his hand and show him how to touch it softly, then have him touch his arm/face/whatever I can manage in the moment.

We have been doing this for months with our cats, since he wants to grab their fur and doesn't realize that he is annoying them. I just noticed this weekend that he is getting more gentle with them and pets them really sweetly now.

Of course, he is almost 13 months, so I'm sure he is just going to get more rough as he grows and starts walking independently.

This is my 8 month old. He looooves the cats but he has no concept of gentle yet, so he just grabs handfuls of their fur or their whiskers or a leg. I've been demonstrating "gentle" to him every time for months. Here's hoping it sinks in soon. Poor kitties.

We have been working on this for at least 6 months. He LOVES them and will race after them, squealing, and then yank fur or grab their faces. But yesterday he actually did a gentle touch...

[TR]

Sept 5, 2017 9:49:56 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

And when he pulls my hair I pull his to show him it doesn't feel good.

Wut. 

[adhdfashion]

I have good luck redirecting Archer's toddler rage with asking if he needs a hug. Also, Saying hey dude let's high-five instead of hit. Stupid, but it works with him.

[mskitkat]

I have lost count of how many times I have repeated "gentle with the kitty" to my 18 month old. It's only successful half the time. The other half, she smiles the biggest shit eating grin and whacks the kitty as hard as she can.

[hungrycaterpillar]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I feel so much better that many have been there. I was getting worried I'd created an angry baby.

[FastHands]

I'm pretty sure I made an identical post when ds was this age. Fuck it's just the worst.

Timeouts started working marginally at 18mo, but not before.

Before that, just agonizing redirection. I found ds responded occasionally to the ol' "OW!" and put him down somewhere dafe and walk away routine -- if you're an asshole, you don't get my attention.

[cville]

Wait it out.

Might take 18 months to never.

[FastHands]

Sept 5, 2017 20:24:05 GMT -5 cville said:

Wait it out.

Might take 18 months to never.

3 year olds. *laugh*sob*FMLICan'tDrink.

[Deleted]

Ughhh because hes so young but so mobile already, its really hard to keep Wesley out of everything. Its not like he even understands "no" and redirecting is an all.damn.day.process. This kid is nonstop and I'm TIRED.