I have been thinking that I would be a dream for a FMIL who only had a son/s. I already had my first wedding, and it was exactly what I had always wanted - I just did a shit job choosing a groom. For my second, I think I have more groom choosing sense and I don't really have an opinion on the wedding -- big, small...whatever - its about being with the right person.
So, as long as future FI is on board and getting what he wants as well, I'll make FMIL happy too. Also, as long as it is in the budget - lol. I am not going into debt or anything for a party that I am meh on. If she wants to foot the bill, have at it.
I love how I am non-planning my imaginary wedding to a dude I may not have met yet. I reserve the right to rescind my current opinions in the future.
I’m trying not to be hurt by my future daughter-in-law’s attitude towards the wedding she’s planning with my son, “Paul” but it’s proving difficult. “Mara” is a young widow and had a big wedding with her late husband. I can understand not wanting to do that all again but this is Paul’s first and hopefully only wedding. Paul is our only child so this is the only wedding our family will have. Every day I hear more details about the wedding and it sounds so depressing. Mara’s wearing a green, tea-length dress, no veil, casual flowers, Paul will wear a suit, there will be no groomsman or bridesmaids, the reception is at restaurant with only recorded music and so on. Paul is a romantic and had always looked forward to a big wedding and elaborate reception but now says he’s deferring to Mara’s wishes since she doesn’t want to look tacky. Money is definitely not an issue here, not on either side. We’d happily foot the entire bill for a big wedding if she’d let us. It seems to me Mara is more worried about outmoded rules and what people will think than what will make her future husband and his family happy. Should I talk to her about this or continue to bite my tongue?
A: Carolyn Hax
Keep biting! Egads.
Because this is none! of! your! business!
Zero.
But I'll elaborate anyway in hopes it helps you reorient your thinking into something less bitter.
This is "not the wedding he really wants," perhaps, but Mara is the partner he wants, so this is how the wedding goes. His priority is clear: He'd rather share his life with Mara after a small wedding than anyone else after an elaborate one.
And yes, of course, each half of a couple gets equal say in wedding plans under normal circumstances, but we're not talking about skipping sushi tonight because Mara just had it yesterday; we're talking about accounting for life-altering trauma.
If you take your son's explanation at face value, then you're free to think it's just about appearances, and of course I'm typically all in favor of taking people at their word. But it's not Mara's word, it's your son's, and don't you think the mere fact of burying one's husband at a young age would more than suffice to explain why Mara would want this wedding to leave a markedly different imprint from her last one?
Even if her reasoning weren't as sympathetic as death, what's not to understand about someone who prefers to plan her day somewhere that ghosts aren't likely to find?
There's also the fact that if you choose the right lens, a green tea-length dress and casual flowers and two people who love each other look about as romantic as love gets.
Again--I offer all these merely as mind-reorientation tools. The fundamental fact here remains that it's not your wedding. That means your job is to show up in time and smile big, unless the couple invites you to contribute more.
— SEP 29, 2017 12:31 EDT
This is something I worry about a little bit. We've both been married before, but where I had the big shebang, he had a quick, kind of thrown-together thing with a woman he hated. When we talk about (eventual) wedding stuff, I want something small like this bride. 10-15 people max, on the beach, tea-length dress, tasteful casual shirt for him. But he wants the fancy wedding with all his family (a LOT) and floofy dress, black tie. Ugh! When I tell him how much that will run these days, he usually agrees that smaller is better. But he's always dreamed of a big wedding, so he feels cheated.
It's at least 3 years away, and we're not engaged yet, so we have time to hash it out. 😊
I’m trying not to be hurt by my future daughter-in-law’s attitude towards the wedding she’s planning with my son, “Paul” but it’s proving difficult. “Mara” is a young widow and had a big wedding with her late husband. I can understand not wanting to do that all again but this is Paul’s first and hopefully only wedding. Paul is our only child so this is the only wedding our family will have. Every day I hear more details about the wedding and it sounds so depressing. Mara’s wearing a green, tea-length dress, no veil, casual flowers, Paul will wear a suit, there will be no groomsman or bridesmaids, the reception is at restaurant with only recorded music and so on. Paul is a romantic and had always looked forward to a big wedding and elaborate reception but now says he’s deferring to Mara’s wishes since she doesn’t want to look tacky. Money is definitely not an issue here, not on either side. We’d happily foot the entire bill for a big wedding if she’d let us. It seems to me Mara is more worried about outmoded rules and what people will think than what will make her future husband and his family happy. Should I talk to her about this or continue to bite my tongue?
A: Carolyn Hax
Keep biting! Egads.
Because this is none! of! your! business!
Zero.
But I'll elaborate anyway in hopes it helps you reorient your thinking into something less bitter.
This is "not the wedding he really wants," perhaps, but Mara is the partner he wants, so this is how the wedding goes. His priority is clear: He'd rather share his life with Mara after a small wedding than anyone else after an elaborate one.
And yes, of course, each half of a couple gets equal say in wedding plans under normal circumstances, but we're not talking about skipping sushi tonight because Mara just had it yesterday; we're talking about accounting for life-altering trauma.
If you take your son's explanation at face value, then you're free to think it's just about appearances, and of course I'm typically all in favor of taking people at their word. But it's not Mara's word, it's your son's, and don't you think the mere fact of burying one's husband at a young age would more than suffice to explain why Mara would want this wedding to leave a markedly different imprint from her last one?
Even if her reasoning weren't as sympathetic as death, what's not to understand about someone who prefers to plan her day somewhere that ghosts aren't likely to find?
There's also the fact that if you choose the right lens, a green tea-length dress and casual flowers and two people who love each other look about as romantic as love gets.
Again--I offer all these merely as mind-reorientation tools. The fundamental fact here remains that it's not your wedding. That means your job is to show up in time and smile big, unless the couple invites you to contribute more.
— SEP 29, 2017 12:31 EDT
This is something I worry about a little bit. We've both been married before, but where I had the big shebang, he had a quick, kind of thrown-together thing with a woman he hated. When we talk about (eventual) wedding stuff, I want something small like this bride. 10-15 people max, on the beach, tea-length dress, tasteful casual shirt for him. But he wants the fancy wedding with all his family (a LOT) and floofy dress, black tie. Ugh! When I tell him how much that will run these days, he usually agrees that smaller is better. But he's always dreamed of a big wedding, so he feels cheated.
It's at least 3 years away, and we're not engaged yet, so we have time to hash it out. 😊
I know I am going to regret asking this but why did your SO marry someone he hated?
My MIL had a hard time with me not inviting every 5th cousin. But turns out DH is closer with his 5th cousins than I am with my first. So he sacrificed many friends coming so he could have his extended family within our guest limits. The guest list really stressed me out though. And I have the nicest MIL in the world.
I wonder if this MIL could say that she's always wanted to have the big blowout for her son, so could she host a post-wedding reception for the couple, a big BBQ, an engagement party, or something where all the family could come and celebrate together? Maybe she just wants the big party to celebrate her son? She could do that separately without infringing on their small, intimated day-of. Only with the bride's consent of course.
This is something I worry about a little bit. We've both been married before, but where I had the big shebang, he had a quick, kind of thrown-together thing with a woman he hated. When we talk about (eventual) wedding stuff, I want something small like this bride. 10-15 people max, on the beach, tea-length dress, tasteful casual shirt for him. But he wants the fancy wedding with all his family (a LOT) and floofy dress, black tie. Ugh! When I tell him how much that will run these days, he usually agrees that smaller is better. But he's always dreamed of a big wedding, so he feels cheated.
It's at least 3 years away, and we're not engaged yet, so we have time to hash it out. 😊
I know I am going to regret asking this but why did your SO marry someone he hated?
Lol... He was 20, and had been with her for a few years, and it was the next step. On their wedding night, she insisted that her long-distance friend stay at their apartment. With them. Romantic, huh? He knew then that he'd made a terrible mistake.