DH Cancer/Family vent

[ECB]

Honestly- I WOULD say that to them. Well, not those exact words. But something along the lines of "It's stressful to DH when people cry and get upset to his face. This is a hard battle, but he's trying to stay positive because the prognosis IS good. He really needs encouragement and hope. Not tears.".

My aunt has been battling cancer for over a year now, and my IL's can be intrusive - we out and out told them "follow her lead and don't question her too much if she isn't open to it".

[cc]

You are totally making sense and I think I'd be acting the same way as you are right now. I think that, if I were facing cancer, I'd be uncomfortable if my loved ones were crying around me.

[foundmylazybum]

Everything you say makes sense to me.

From a slightly detached--but perhaps helpful perspective. My boss had cancer and went through chemo and radiation. While her work became a bit more spotty b/c of the treatment, she maintained a pretty regular schedule (I guess we all just got used to a new normal).
She was definitely still our leader and a part of our team. There was none of this boo hoo stuff going on at work, and she did NOT just disappear into a "sick bed" situation.

It was eye opening to see that...I guess life just went on.

I think sometimes people have this image that a person with cancer--their time is now 100% cancer--all the time, everything...but while it CAN be like that, many times it's not. You still have everyday life--and you HAVE to keep doing that life stuff. It's really REALLY important to keep present.

[Deleted]

That's pretty awkward that they are more upset than he is.

I think you're doing fine. If you were telling him to man up when he is upset, that would be bitchy.

DH's stepmom was mad that DH and I weren't upset and crying when FIL had bipass surgery. Sure it's major surgery and we were worried, but most people in his circumstances do well. We're not bad people because we felt confident of his chances. We'll save that for a time something had actually does happen.

[ttt]

Sept 16, 2012 11:45:15 GMT -5 ECB said:

Honestly- I WOULD say that to them. Well, not those exact words. But something along the lines of "It's stressful to DH when people cry and get upset to his face. This is a hard battle, but he's trying to stay positive because the prognosis IS good. He really needs encouragement and hope. Not tears.".

My aunt has been battling cancer for over a year now, and my IL's can be intrusive - we out and out told them "follow her lead and don't question her too much if she isn't open to it".

Ditto this.

I have no other advice, just wanted to offer support.

[ringstrue]

I would totally bring up at some point that them crying in front of him stresses him out. I think I would also point out that you ARE holding everything together and having to be strong for him, your toddler, your pg, etc. Really, you BOTH need their support and strength and they need to stay strong for you too.

[epphd]

I had to write my mom an email to get that point across. I only wanted helpful positive people around. Cancer is scary enough - patients DO think about worst case scenario - often. The last thing we need is people reminding us of it. I told my mom that she was not allowed to come to me with her fears... about ME.

You're doing the right thing.

[foundmylazybum]

::hugs:::

The situation is just..that--the situation. So you, your family, your husband--can all choose to look at it like "OMG! CANCER--UGLY CRY!" and take away the scary, negative, horrible things or just even things that suck like being sick and tired.

OR you can focus on being in the present, the good things, optimism (his prognosis is good thank goodness), moving through the process and staying busy--and even finding joy IN staying busy--your pregnancy, the kids etc.

Here is my internet stranger two cents: You will (and have) had a balance of both moments as you described..but keeping the optimism in the forefront is GOOD. It's good for you and all the closest people around you.

Only you and your family know exactly what you are going through..and the "right" way for you all to handle it.

[bronxgirl]

I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I think you're handling it beautifully and you sound like a super supportive spouse. The thing with them crying in his face all the time is that it makes it about them and their nopt thinking about what your H needs most at the situation. If you see someone drowning you don't jump in the water and drown with them, you rescue them. What his relatives are doing is trying to drown with him, while you're trying to pull him out. My best friend and her husband were in a similar situation a couple years ago and he handled it similar to how you mentioned your husband is handling things and it worked well for him. he has been cancer free for about 2 yrs now.

[dirtyred]

As a cancer survivor, let me say that you are 100% correct. With all the crap you're going throug, you want the rest of your life to be as normal as possible. People crying all over you is NOT normal and, as you said, stressful.

I'd tell them to eiter knock that shit off or stop coming around. Seriously.

[SmartyCat]

Sept 16, 2012 11:40:09 GMT -5 incogneato said:

I know they mean well and I know I would have a harder time being strong if it was my child who was sick (much harder!) but I just wish they would try to think of how he's feeling and base their interactions more on that than on pity and their own worries.

I think others gave good advice. YOU are the one who is being a good support for your DH, based on what he needs.

I have to comment on the above - it's really good to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to walk in their shoes a bit, but they are not actually the ones going through the crisis. You are. If they can't imagine anything other than their own panic and try to walk in your DH's shoes and yours, you guys may need to spell out what is and isn't helpful behavior from them. Because they're letting their own fear run how they behave around you and your DH, and that's not helpful.

A good friend of mine had a really nasty bout with breast cancer. She is thankfully fine now, but her mother sounds a lot like your ILs. The day before my friend had surgery the whole family had to go to the emergency room. Not for my friend, mind you, but for her mother (who had been nicely told to stay home, but showed up to "be a support") who was hysterical and sobbing and throwing up in the kitchen sink.

[2vermont]

I'm noticing that you keep saying that you "feel" they think this way/feel that way about you. is this just a gut feeling or have they said or done things around you/to you to make you feel this way? KWIM?

[livinitup]

I agree with 2Vermont that some of this might be in your own head. You see them indulge in their feelings, even when it crushes your DH. Why do you "feel" they think you are "supposed" to be ding this, too?

And I absolutely agree that they should be told what outbursts are and what outbursts are NOT helpful. And it should be from DH, not you. You can back-up what he tells them - but be sure that HE should be telling them that their outbursts are not helping. And to be blunt, coming from him -and not you - will go over much better.

After all, the last thing he needs to manage is their reaction to his serious medical treatment. I'm sure he'll be loving and generous when they get upset, but PLEASE! they are supporting him, not the other way around. He ca say that! More than once.

[copzgirl1171]

*hugs*

[SusanBAnthony]

I haven't read all the responses, fwiw.

With DH's heart surgery last week, yes I was very upset, but DH was falling apart and I had to hold it together for him. Plus, I knew the risks, and they were low, and I trusted his surgeon. So I wasn't completely freaking out.

My MIL was losing her mind, and kept telling me how upset *I* was. I wanted to slap her. So you are very very very not alone. I have no advice, I mostly just ignored my mil, which may not be the best solution, but it kept me from whacking her.

[rubytue]

Lurker from MM butting in - you are absolutely doing the right thing. The last thing a cancer (or any patient) needs is the stress from other people crying around them. It makes you feel... I don't know, guilty maybe, that you are causing them all this stress. You don't need sympathy, you need support.

My boss and I both had the same type of cancer (about 6 years apart) and we both agreed that the people issues were one of the more difficult things to deal with. Everyone expects you to be a sick cancer patient, when you really just want some normalcy. I worked as much as I could through chemo just to maintain some normalcy.

In fact, I think the only time I actually played the cancer card was in the elevator to my oncologists office b/c some old man made a comment some comment about how I must have been out partying all night. I just took off my hat and glared at him.