I'm not one to casually throw out "men and women are different!" but I really do think there's something about a new mom and a baby crying that is biologically wired to induce panic or at least discomfort.
I was super paranoid about letting my son cry and my H humored me about it for the most part, but he definitely did not have the same sense of urgency.
I think it's awesome that he's listening to you and considering the PPD thing and polling his internet friends. Those are all great signs for how this parenthood thing will play out for you two.
But also, just in case you're bothered more than you let on, I just want to say that DTMFA feelings are super common when you have a newborn (and probably doubly so with twins). So you're handling it quite well, too, in my opinion. I felt a lot of resentment toward my H for much longer than I expected. But, for me at least, it was a phase. Babies are hard!!!
I'm not a twin mom either. But my H was the same way, lettiing our son fuss for a while whereas I would immediately go to him. It took me a long time to remember that some crying is okay.
Now that our son is 2, I'm the one that lets him tantrum and DH is the one who can't stand the crying! He's the softie now!
You got this, it is so hard. And 10x harder with more than one.
My H is not fazed by the kids crying when they were babies. If they would scream loud, then he would get a little upset and I would take over because he didn't always know how to calm them down. But if they were fussy he wasn't as affected. Has he seemed down? I would be more worried if he is showing the common signs of PPD. I do believe dads can get it, especially if they are around the girls a ton or feeling a lot of pressure.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Nov 2, 2017 15:19:57 GMT -5
I think lack of emotional response to crying can be a sign of depression, but that would be more like, "I hear my baby crying and I know it's because she has a poopy diaper, but I don't have the mental energy to get up and change it, or the emotional energy to care," or even "I am so emotionally overwhelmed all I can do is cry too." If you think the babies' crying means they are telling you that they are lonely and that's a need you believe should be responded to by rocking them sleep, or something like that, tell your DH your perspective. He might have another perspective on what the crying meams that is informing his emotional response to it. I think this is likely because he has responded to crying to do some things, probably those things he believes the babies need. My baby's mantra cry when she needed to sleep upset me greatly before I learned to recognise it. After I learned to recognise it, it didn't upset me because I knew what I needed to do (provide her an environment without distract from her falling asleep--which can look a lot like "doing nothing" or not caring) and I knew it meant that she "had this" on her end.
I think these days that women are socialized to believe every cry from baby represents the failure of the parents to do something or an unmet need of the baby. Men don't get told that nearly as much (instead we tell them they are dad of the year if they know baby's name), and I think that means they tend to experience less of an emotional response to the crying, because they are taught to interpret crying differently. Imagine the emotional response you'd have if your babies were verbal and crying "mommy, mommy, mommy, help me! I'm scared! I can't move my arms! Something hurts!" Vs if your babies were verbal and singing their ABCs to themselves because they are bored and making the most of your refusal to read them yet one more story. Totally different, right?
That said, I'm pretty sure postpartum depression in new dads is a thing. In addition to the major upheaval in your lives right now, some men also experience hormonal changes during the perinatal period. And, of course, regular depression can strike anyone. I think it's a leap from what you've said to guess he is depressed, but you may be thinking this for more reasons than you've described. I don't know what you looked up on WebMD, but I would suggest if you are looking for medical answers at home on this, instead of WebMD, I'd administer a PHQ-2/PHQ-9 or EPDS (Google for them), score it according to the directions, and follow up with his PCP or a mental health professional if he scores positive.
The day the kids were born O went right to the NICU because of her size, but N was allowed to come back to the room with us (and ended up going to the NICU around 4am). She cried a lot, which is to be expected, but I remember H getting so frustrated and saying "is she going to cry this much all the time?" LOL. Clearly we didn't have much experience with babies.
I remember yelling at him a few times during the first 3 months because he would not go right away if they cried or just pick them up and not actually do anything to soothe them. I just didn't get it (and still don't) - wouldn't you rather NOT hear the incessant crying? Our kids are almost 6 now and he still has a similar style. I'm definitely the nurturing one. As much as his parenting style annoys me sometimes, our kids listen so much better to him and they whine so much less around him.
I do agree with others that crying isn't bad, and with twins especially it's unavoidable. When you're alone with them, you can't make them both happy at once. Neither H or I really enjoyed the newborn stage (aside from the newborn snuggles, which were far and few between for me as I juggled trying to breastfeed, pump, and just care for them), so that didn't help matters. Not wanting to go through that again is a big reason why we're done with having kids.