Husband post partum depression?

[konapoppy]

H has been home since the girls were born and has become a bit apathetic to the girls’ crying. They don’t cry too much, but when they are both crying it can be overwhelming. He also does the heavy lifting during the witching hour (when they generally alternate being fussy) because I essentially do the overnights and need some rest. I stay in the room and help as needed, just snooze a bit on the couch.

Sometimes when the girls have been changed, fed, and swaddled and are still fussy, he doesn’t really try to console them. He will let them cry a bit (not longer than 5 minutes) and calm down. He admits their crying doesn’t bother him.

Would you be concerned about this behavior? Anyone go through anything similar? He is polling his internet dads too for advice he has been great and so helpful, but this concerns me a little.

Tagging some MoMs (I know I am forgetting some!): fryjack2, vtdiamond, melsbels, connie0000, tarajane, linz, ridethelightning

[jeaniebueller]

Is he showing other signs of depression? When my kids were babies, my H was def much more ‘whatever’ about them crying too, so him being slow to respond doesn’t sound terribly abnormal to me, to be honest.

[raangoli]

Not a MoM, but MH definitely had a different style from mine (and still does) when it comes to consoling. He waits longer than I would be comfortable with when she's crying/upset/hurt but I think that's just how we approach things.

I'd keep an eye out for any other signs and keep an open dialogue on how you're feeling. I found by doing that he was more willing to share with me rather than keeping it bottled up.

[ridethelightning]

MH doesn't help much, as he is rarely home, but I will tell you he does things totally differently than I do. I always thought men were wired differently, and the cries don't pierce into their skulls like they do mom's. They certainly don't bother him as much.

I do think dads can get ppd, but I, of course, can't tell you if this is it. If you're concerned, have him contact his doctor just to have a discussion about it.

[pennylane]

I think it’s good to keep an eye on how both of you are adjusting to having two new babies. But I will ditto the others who have said their H is slower to react to crying. I think Moms tend to be more bothered immediately by any crying/distress. Plus I think it’s hard to accept that your spouse is going to do things differently when they are very little.

[konapoppy]

Thanks, all. They are so young and webmd told him he was a monster - at least it wasn’t cancer? - so we weren’t sure. He does a lot of things differently which is fine (and tells me how to do things half the time), but I didn’t realize how common it was to be okay with longer spurts of crying. He will literally hold a baby and do very little to console it as it is screaming. I will get used to it or leave the room

[konapoppy]

That is exacy what I needed to hear connie0000. Thank you.

[pennylane]

konapoppy I have an almost 2 month old and H will do the same thing (holding her crying screaming and doing nothing). It drives me nuts with one baby, so I can’t even imagine two. You guys are amazing for keeping two babies fed/mostly happy/diapered/etc!

[aprilsails]

I haven’t had twins so I can’t imagine how much more difficult that is, but if they are swaddled, fed, clean, etc and they are still fussing during the witching hour while being held there us pretty much nothing else your DH can do this point. Prior to 12 weeks some nights DD would just cry and cry if she wasn’t nursing at all times. I would be exhausted and have to tap out and DH would be left with an inconsolable little creature. I thought he was amazing to be able to put up with the fussing. I knew she was inconsolable though and that we had tried absolutely everything.

I can only imagine it would be tougher with two.

[dcn]

My husband also didn’t/doesn’t respond to crying like me. That itself doesn’t raise red flags.

[tarajane]

Agree that it's different with multiples. I am really good at tuning out the crying and whining because I have to be. I can't take care of them all at the same times sometimes. I would have done the same sometimes with wait a bit longer depending on the baby. I told myself that no one has died from crying a lot when they were crying. I got to them as best as I could in that moment. It sounds like their needs are being met first which would be my only concern. If he was waiting while they were crying and he knew they needed to be fed because it had been 4 hours, I'd be more concerned with letting them cry.

[starburst604]

Honestly I wish my H could have been a little bit more like that. Her crying sent us both into a such a tailspin, and he would just hand her off to me, feeling like he was doing it wrong and she preferred me. Even now he is less able to stand up to her tantrums than me, so this trait may serve you both well in the toddler years!

[konapoppy]

tarajane I am in awe that you manage three. Superwoman!

[icedcoffee]

I think it's great that you're keeping his mental health in mind, but this all sounds normal to me. My H would often watch DS during his witching hours while I took a hot bath. DS would SCREAM the entire time while DH kind of ignored it (not completely, but he wouldn't do what I would do). I ended up turning the bathroom vent on to tune it out because I NEEDED that time.

I think it's really normal for men to do this. The more I talked to people the more I realized how normal it was. I was convinced DH was deaf and couldn't hear DS. I think also that as the mother you hear EVERY peep. It's just how our bodies are wired.

I would consider leaving the room during that time to really get some time for you. The babies will be ok and you need to take care of you. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Hugs--I can't imagine twins. You're doing great!

[icedcoffee]

Nov 2, 2017 6:52:33 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Thanks, all. They are so young and webmd told him he was a monster - at least it wasn’t cancer? - so we weren’t sure. He does a lot of things differently which is fine (and tells me how to do things half the time), but I didn’t realize how common it was to be okay with longer spurts of crying. He will literally hold a baby and do very little to console it as it is screaming. I will get used to it or leave the room

I once walked in and DS was screaming on the couch NEXT to DH.  I was like "umm...can you pick him up and try SOMETHING?!?!".  He just stood there like "Nothing works so I gave up".  

This all passes. As far as I can tell DS has not been damaged by this.

[konapoppy]

Nov 2, 2017 7:46:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Nov 2, 2017 6:52:33 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Thanks, all. They are so young and webmd told him he was a monster - at least it wasn’t cancer? - so we weren’t sure. He does a lot of things differently which is fine (and tells me how to do things half the time), but I didn’t realize how common it was to be okay with longer spurts of crying. He will literally hold a baby and do very little to console it as it is screaming. I will get used to it or leave the room

I once walked in and DS was screaming on the couch NEXT to DH.  I was like "umm...can you pick him up and try SOMETHING?!?!".  He just stood there like "Nothing works so I gave up".  

This all passes. As far as I can tell DS has not been damaged by this.

This was basically H yesterday.

Good news - if it does somehow damage them emotionally they will forever have each other to complain to about their neglectful parents lol.

[scm1011]

Nov 2, 2017 7:52:00 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Nov 2, 2017 7:46:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I once walked in and DS was screaming on the couch NEXT to DH.  I was like "umm...can you pick him up and try SOMETHING?!?!".  He just stood there like "Nothing works so I gave up".  

This all passes. As far as I can tell DS has not been damaged by this.

This was basically H yesterday.

Good news - if it does somehow damage them emotionally they will forever have each other to complain to about their neglectful parents lol.

This is my H sometimes, too, and I find it kind of infuriating. I want to be like, well clearly sitting on the couch with him isn't working - maybe try a little harder? I mean I don't like walking around my house singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star 75x in a row, but it beats listening to DS scream. But I guess maybe screaming is preferable to DH, lol

This thread is a good reminder that just because dads do something differently doesn't make it wrong. I definitely have trouble remembering that sometimes.

Kona, I cannot imagine how hard it is to have newborn twins. I think the fact that you and your DH are having conversations, and he's hearing you enough to poll his Dad friends, means you're doing awesome.

[noodleoo]

Nov 2, 2017 7:52:00 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Nov 2, 2017 7:46:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I once walked in and DS was screaming on the couch NEXT to DH.  I was like "umm...can you pick him up and try SOMETHING?!?!".  He just stood there like "Nothing works so I gave up".  

This all passes. As far as I can tell DS has not been damaged by this.

This was basically H yesterday.

Good news - if it does somehow damage them emotionally they will forever have each other to complain to about their neglectful parents lol.

LOL!  Just to say it:  a little crying definitely won't hurt them!  When DD was born, I could NOT take her crying.  I would literally jump the second I heard her.  And extended crying made me insane.  H was a lot more tolerant of it and it drove me crazy.  I felt so bad for her!   It made me nuts in the morning when he was supposed to get her and 1) he could sleep through her crying (I could not) and i'd have to wake him to get her and 2) he would go pee first, or go get a drink first, or go something else and let her cry for a few mins.  I couldn't understand how he could let her cry.  I realize now that i was being over sensitive to it.  I think part of it is new mom instinct.  Women really do hear the cries more (something about the women being more attuned to high pitches, it is an evolutionary thing).  I've definitely calmed down about it and we ended up sleep training relatively early which was torture but worked really well for us.  

Anyway, if your H seems fine otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it.  

[laurack]

I think in general crying maybe doesn't bother men as much .. it might be some kind of biological thing in women where we cannot stand the sound of them crying? I remember when sleep training I used to have to go to the basement or just leave the house while my H dealt with it because he was fine with the noise but I couldn't handle it.

I can't even imagine the difficulty of caring for two, or three newborns at once. You guys are doing your best and you are doing great. If this is the only concerning thing I probably wouldn't be too worried as it sounds like it's "normal" for men to be a bit more meh about the crying.

I hope things get a little easier soon.

[fryjack2]

Nov 2, 2017 7:52:00 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Nov 2, 2017 7:46:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I once walked in and DS was screaming on the couch NEXT to DH.  I was like "umm...can you pick him up and try SOMETHING?!?!".  He just stood there like "Nothing works so I gave up".  

This all passes. As far as I can tell DS has not been damaged by this.

This was basically H yesterday.

Good news - if it does somehow damage them emotionally they will forever have each other to complain to about their neglectful parents lol.

I'm going to ramble but hopefully something I write is comforting  

We had a bit of a different experience. The boys were in the NICU for a month and a half.  My recovery was rough and I still wasn't right when they came home.   When they came home, H stayed home for a month with us.  I was definitely just going through the motions of keeping 2 newborns alive.  Looking back, I had some PPD and OCD that should have been treated and it was kind of a blur.   I don't remember if H let them cry or not, but I know I probably did for sure.  Sometimes out of necessity and sometimes because like your H, I knew they were fed and changed and needed nothing and they could either cry in their rock n play or cry in my arms and damn it, I was tired. 

Our neighbors had twins almost exactly a year after us.  They are a 2 dad couple.  One is French.  His parenting approach is very much Bringing Up Bebe.  Crying didn't phase him at all.  He could ignore so much that I was in awe.  The kids were never in danger or neglected.  His Midwestern husband had a harder time with not attending to every cry and sound they made.  Both of them are amazing parents who love their happy healthy children.  Showed me that there really are many different ways to parent. 

I remind myself of that a lot.  Lots of ways to parent and most kids will not be forever damaged by what you do.  Like the bed sharing we did a lot of because we were desperate for sleep after 4 years of crap sleep.  No one can tell if you were sleep trained, slept in your parents bed, if your mom slept on the floor of your room, or your dad slept in your crib, so why feel guilty about however it is that you get sleep to happen for you or your kids? 

Twins is HARD.  So hard.  Our boys had colic as well.  We spent every evening for weeks carrying them around the city in ergos so we wouldn't go insane from the crying. 

I do think that you learn to tune kids out if you have more than one.  Even now, the boys re 5.5 and sometimes I have to tell H that Henry is talking to him so can he please answer, or that Jack asked him a question 5 times before he realizes its not just part of the constant noise we live with  

You are both doing a great job.  Seriously. You are.  

Sending you hugs and a sleep fairy. xoxo

[vtdiamond]

Hugs to you, it is so tough with twins in the beginning and especially during the witching hour when they are crying the most.

My DH would respond to the crying pretty quickly, but didn't have the patience for crying that lasted a long time. He really is a fixer and would get frustrated after trying to get them to stop for 5 mins or so and then hand them off to me. I spent many evenings rocking crying babies as DH just couldn't handle it for more then 5-10 mins.

I think one of the hardest parts of twins is that you really get no breaks, once one was settled down then something would happen with the other one.

In the early days we really tried to be supportive of allowing one another to hand off the crying/inconsolable kid if we were nearing our breaking point.

[tarajane]

Nov 2, 2017 7:34:00 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

tarajane I am in awe that you manage three. Superwoman!

Barely. and I'm not sure I am still sane.

[fryjack2]

Nov 2, 2017 8:48:50 GMT -5 tarajane said:

Nov 2, 2017 7:34:00 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

tarajane I am in awe that you manage three. Superwoman!

Barely. and I'm not sure I am still sane.

Hey, you are in here helping another mom out while juggling 3 kids.  That's pretty amazing. 

[konapoppy]

vtdiamond yesss to the fixing. He said that yesterday!
noodleoo my husband literally had to do ALL the things before helping me. Lucky(?) for me he is like this with everything in life so I have a tiny bit of patience. Emphasis on tiny.
fryjack2, I am sure that will be our future too. Sometimes I even have to ask H something 5 times for him to hear me lol.

Thanks all for the advice. It was an early Christmas present to H to tell him he isn’t a monster or broken 😜

[clseale]

Nov 2, 2017 6:52:10 GMT -5 connie0000 said:

Also, the best advice I got when I was sending myself into a sleep deprived hell and running up every time they would fuss... No baby has ever died from crying for an extra minute. Us twin moms have it different. We simply cant attend to every single fuss, we can just do our best. 

Love you mama. 

I mean, I had to tell myself this when I was home alone and dealing with ONE colicky baby who basically screamed at me 99% of her waking hours. So, yeah. MoM, cut yourselves some slack. 

[tarajane]

Nov 2, 2017 8:51:20 GMT -5 fryjack2 said:

Nov 2, 2017 8:48:50 GMT -5 tarajane said:

Barely. and I'm not sure I am still sane.

Hey, you are in here helping another mom out while juggling 3 kids.  That's pretty amazing. 

I've actually got a 4 year old plus the triplets. It gets better once they sleep. And triplets are actually better sleepers than the singleton!

[lolo]

Even a respectful parenting guru thinks we should calm down about babies crying:

www.janetlansbury.com/2011/09/7-reasons-to-calm-down-about-babies-crying/

[redheadk]

A couple thoughts:

- my dd was super colicky and cried a ton. Something the best we could do was make sure that all of her needs were met then absent-mindedly hold her and pat her. You can only actively soothe without any result for so long. She was dry, fed, and not in pain.

- my sis has twins. They weren't big criers as infants but she said that sometimes, one baby just had to wait and cry while she attended to the other twin's needs, especially when she was nursing and they were too big and uncooperative to tandem nurse. It's just the way it is. She also works full time. Sometimes they have to cry while she gets herself ready for work. They are perfectly happy and loved little toddlers now.

- If they are calming down some after 5 minutes of crying, I think that is great! He is giving them the opportunity to self soothe

- Moms, including myself (very much, though I had PPA/PPD so take it for what it's wroth) get too worked up about crying. These people that don't shower for days because baby won't stop crying but is otherwise ok? Put the baby in a safe place and take care of your basic needs. Ignoring a tiny baby crying for hours is a problem. Ignoring a tiny baby crying for 10 minutes isn't going to do irreparable harm. I wish I had gotten to a place while DD was little where I was more objective about her crying and less stressed out about it. It would have been better for us all.

[egishere]

Mom of triplets here. DH was very much the same way. I think men can just tune out stuff like crying better than women. It always made me very anxious if one of the babies was crying. I wouldn’t worry about this.

[melsbels]

Ohh I feel you. I really do. Being a twin Mom is so hard. I struggled with this exact same issue with my H for a bit. I don’t think it’s necessarily concerning, but I get how you feel.

I think my H just felt so overwhelmed in the beginning, and rightfully so! He’s never been around babies and it frustrated me to no end that he wasn’t as attentive as I was, and didn’t seem to try as hard. How two crying babies didn’t phase him the way it did me, I may still never know lol.

I’m super hands-on and so is my family, and he tends to be quite passive, so he almost took a back seat role for the first few weeks while we had a ton of help. But when that help was gone and I needed him to step up, he didn’t. It’s not like I wasn’t sympathetic to his struggle, but I just had no time to deal with it some days because hello - two screaming infants lol. We had talks when I was pregnant about being a team, and supporting each other no matter what, but those things easily slip your mind when you’re sleep deprived parents of multiples. Now we’re 5 months in and things are SO much better. I think we both realized that we just hated the newborn phase, and that’s ok.

I’m so glad to hear that your H is seeking advice! As long as you guys are communicating about everything no matter what, I think you’ll be ok

Side note - I watch Outdaughtered sometimes (so I can thank my lucky stars that I only had 2, not 5 lol) and the Dad was super open about his struggle with male post-partum depression. Might be worth a shot!