Conferences- leader vs bossy

[closertofine]

We had kindergarten parent teacher conferences tonight. This is in lieu of a report card. Academically, she's doing wonderfully. Then we get to social/personality. Teacher said dd has a really strong personality, and that we need to guide her leadership qualities in a positive direction because she is already showing signs of bossiness and even potentially being a bully. The teacher said dd isn't there yet, but she could see it happening. None of this is surprising to me at all, though I'm a little disappointed she is being less than kind sometimes.

So what do I do about this? Her brother is much more passive usually and just lets dd call the shots. So I'm sure she's getting some of this from their interaction at home. How do I guide her to being a leader and not a bully?

[y4m]

Did the teacher give any examples? As I'm sure you know, the line between leadership and bossiness for women and girls can be...thin. I would want way more detail and then to action that detail specifically.

[pooh8402]

Nov 21, 2017 20:30:10 GMT -5 y4m said:

Did the teacher give any examples? As I'm sure you know, the line between leadership and bossiness for women and girls can be...thin. I would want way more detail and then to action that detail specifically.

This was my first thought, too, but didn't know how to say it eloquently. Depending on what the behavior was, you may want to encourage it rather than discourage.

[VillainV]

Leadership is generally modeling behavior and getting them to follow without straight out telling them what to do. Bossiness is telling people what to do.

This is hard for kids because most just don’t have the maturity or verbal skills to lead people without being bossy. Heck, most adults don’t either. I think for kindergarteners, telling people what to do is probably pretty normal. I would want examples of the “almost bullying” though.

[thebreakfastclub]

Given the fact that the OP isn't surprised at all by the assessment and sees the same at home, it seems like the call out is worthwhile. I have no advice, but it seems to be worth taking seriously to me.

[circa1978]

I probably wouldn't do anything right away other than monitor and encourage kindness/be mindful to discuss bullying. Maybe model allowing others to speak their turn and the importance of listening rather than waiting for your turn to talk. I was a bossy little girl, no doubt, and am now a woman in leadership. Those were lessons I wish I had learned a little earlier.

[isabel]

Nov 21, 2017 21:35:03 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Given the fact that the OP isn't surprised at all by the assessment and sees the same at home, it seems like the call out is worthwhile. I have no advice, but it seems to be worth taking seriously to me.

I️ would say I️ agree, but the example the OP gave is that her brother is passive and let’s her order him around. That’s not bullying. You can say she’s being bossy, or you can say it’s a leadership characteristic that should be fostered and encouraged, albeit in a nicer way, but it’s not bullying at this point.

I’d want to know what she’s doing that the teacher considers unkind.

I️ actually consider my DS1 to be pretty bossy, but his Montessori style daycare routinely calls him a leader in the classroom and talks about how helpful he is with his peers. So, it’s entirely possible to have those characteristics without being a bully.

[closertofine]

Thanks for the feedback thus far.

I left the meeting feeling some way, but I'm not sure what. The only example the teacher gave was that in group settings, Dd tries to boss her peers and is unhappy when they don't comply. She didn't really give any details as to why this is "almost bullying" though.

What I see between dd and ds is the same. She tells him what to do. On the infrequent occasions where he disagrees, she gets pissed off and yells at him or stomps off. She is quite awful to play games with. I work on this often, and we've made progress.

I've been very happy with her teacher and her feedback thus far. Last night's mtg was rushed, extremely tense because xh, and he dominated the mtg. Maybe this is something to keep working on at home and ask about after Christmas?

Eta. I asked specifically "is A being unkind?" And the response was hesitant, "noooo...but I could see her heading in that direction." I should have asked for more clarification.

[macmars45]

My DS is only 18 months, but my oldest nephew (now 8 yr old) was very bossy and terrible to play games with in kinder. He's gotten way better with age, maturity and lots of modeling the correct way to play games and be less bossy. He is actually fun to play games with now.

closertofine, you could send a follow up email for more clarification on what she said if that would help you in how you go forward.

[imojoebunny]

I would ask for specifics, so that you can better address giving her the tools to be mindful of others, not taking on the role of "enforcer of the rules" or whatever the root cause is. You can also ask to meet with the school counselor and the teacher, so that you can get ideas and resources to help. They have groups at DS's public school with the counselor to work on specific social skills. DS did one in K and it seemed to have helped. They call it something like "buddy lunch", so he had no idea.

[VillainV]

A few thoughts on your updated information. She could just be the kind of kid that REALLY craves structure. She likes rules and likes things to go a certain way, and gets worked up when other people don't follow rules or do their own thing. I was very much like this as a kid, and as an adult I can see it manifest itself in mild anxiety over order and rules. She could also just lack the verbal and social skills to appropriately express her displeasure so she gets huffy instead. She could also just be WAY smarter than some of the other kids and gets frustrated when they can't keep up with her intellectually (i.e.: she hears directions for an activity and immediately knows exactly what to do, and gets frustrated when she tries to explain and others don't get it).

I don't really think that's "unkind" or "headed toward bullying" though I can see how it could cause social issues if she gets mad when people don't do what she says. You could work with her on understanding how others might want to do things their own way and that it's okay if other kids don't agree with her. You could work on verbal skills to express how she feels (frustrated, anxious, left out, different).