Sleepover Issue--UPDATE

[nicolewi]

UPDATE:
I tried making the decision for her, but then she was like, "But maybe I do want to go!" So we talked about it at her therapy session on Thursday and she kind of decided to go but was still wavering. Then the party day came (by now I am stressing out about it!!) and she came home from school all confident that she wanted to go. So somehow she finally worked it out internally. She went, and it all went pretty well, and I'm glad she did it! The one friend was a little mean, as expected, but not too bad. They were up way too late, but generally, she had a good time.

Not sure which way to push my daughter (the anxious one). She is going to a 9th bday party on Friday and it's a sleepover. There will be five other girls there. One is leaving early and not sleeping over--her parents don't let her sleep over if they don't know the family well. The other four are girls she isn't really best friends with this year. Except for one, but that friend tends to  not be very nice with other girls around and generally ends up stuck like glue to another girl, who will also be there. My DD is back and forth about whether or not she wants to sleep over and she's starting to stress out about it.

I was kind of encouraging her just to join the group and stay over, but really I'm worried it might not be a great experience. I would also feel bad for the birthday girl, though, if two of the girls she invited don't stay overnight. DD has only been to this girl's house once before, and it was in a big group. So she's not very familiar with it. 

I have no idea what's planned for activities. Random thoughts? 

[livinitup]

I just went through this with my DD and I really stressed that it was her choice - right until the day of the party. My DD does not fall asleep well, so her anxiety was “putting herself to bed”, so she practiced a few times that week. She didn’t want to be awake and alone in a strange house.

Our plan was to send her with her gear and give her a choice to be picked-up at 10:30 (or whenever) with the option to return in the AM. It really helped that she had a plan, a big sleeping bag and her great big stuffed animal.

As a kid, I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepover parties, so I can’t relate to the anxiety. All I ever wanted was to go! My H said being awake and alone was horrible as a kid. I just let DD have the choice and not make a big deal either way. I don’t think you owe the birthday girl a sleepover - a present and late-ish pick-up is more than enough.

[lexus]

Don’t feel bad for the birthday girl. I think pp’s advice is good. Let her wait and see what she wants to do. Give her a plan and practice the parts that are intimidating.

[gastro]

With her anxiety and the group dynamic I would just tell her she can’t sleep over. Another girl isn’t so it’s not like she will be the only one- maybe coordintate with the other parent so you are picking them up at the same time. Im guesing with her anxiety she is sort hoping you’ll take the decision out of her hands. I’d tell her now so she can quit worrying about it.
If you think she will be really upset by that then of course don’t, but from the background you’ve shared in this post and in the past I would make the decision for her. She’s 9.

Edit: as a child I didn’t really like sleepovers and dreaded the night time sleeping hours when I just wished I was home.

[cjcouple]

Yup - I agree, let her decide that night. My son and his friends have all done the same. I just explained to mom beforehand that he may not stay. I just send a bag in case and checked in at 9pm.

[nicolewi]

I appreciate the advice. I do think gastro might be on to something. I think my DD would probably like it if I made the decision for her and she didn't have to go back and forth about what she wants to do. I'll talk to her again tonight and feel it out a bit more, but I do wonder if she would be happy if I just said she should come home.

[dizzycooks]

I agree with gastro I’d probably tell her sleeping over won’t work this time and say you need to pick her up early bc X. End of story, no more stress for her.

[cabbagecabbage]

Even combine both ideas and say, “You know, Honey, I’m not certain it’s a great plan for you to stay all night. We can definitely say it was my decision that you stay home if you agree with me. You don’t have to tell the girls you didn’t want to.” And see what she says.