I want a dog, dh doesn’t.

[juliahenry]

Our dog died almost 2 years ago and I really miss her. I’ve started checking out petfinder, looking at breeders’ websites, and thinking about what sort of dog (probably a labradoodle or similar due to allergies) and what we might name her. 

The kids want a dog and are now old enough to be helpful. Ds is almost 12 and in middle school. He could do the after-school walk when he comes home (which would be good for him), and I don’t mind doing morning and evening walks.

but dh is the dealbreaker. He won’t even consider it. I’m starting to resent that he doesn’t do a ton around the house but still manages to kill off this idea. I feel like I’m supportive of him and his ideas for things and rarely say no, but for some reason he’s just absolutely unwilling to support something everyone else wants.

No dog for us, right?

[sparkythelawyer]

Correct. No Dog.

Signed,

The "No Dog" police in my house.

[juliahenry]

Dec 8, 2017 12:13:46 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Correct. No Dog.

Signed,

The "No Dog" police in my house.

But why not? Seriously, what’s the harm?

[jigsy]

Lose the husband, get the dog.

[devonpow]

I have a good friend going through this right now. What’s his reasoning behind not wanting a dog?

[TR]

What are his reasons for not wanting a dog?

[sofamonkey]

Your H wins here. Also, I wouldn’t count on your kids being available for afternoon walks for too long. Sports, clubs, etc happen, and it Will fall on you/H.

Also, why do you say yes to things if you’re going to resent them? Maybe it would do you guys some good to talk about this. (Not the dog, the general give andtake interactions you guys have)

[turnipthebeet]

You both have to want a dog, and he doesn’t. Unless you can change his mind, I don’t think you can have a dog. You don’t want to bring a dog into a home where one owner is resentful anyway.

[jlt19]

I was the no dog person, but DH knew I would break, so he started sending me links to rescues. A week later and we had a dog. That sleeps in my bed only and I'm 90% responsible for. But, that was part of the reason I didn't want one b/c I knew I'd do most of the work. If you're the one knowing you'll do most of the work (really, you cannot rely on the kids) then I don't see what DH's issue would be.

[liverandonions]

We're experiencing this on a lighter level-Our kids are only (almost) 5 and 2, so they're still not helpful and make tons of messes themselves. I want a dog now, but my husband just thinks now isn't the time. He's still willing to consider it if we find the right dog, but that means I literally have to the find the perfect dog. SO therefore it's not happening now. It's so hard. I want a dog in our house.

[dexteroni]

No dog until he agrees, but I would keep talking about it. It doesn't sound like you know his reasons, so you should try to find them out, either so you can accept them or talk him into it. Also it sounds like there are more issues at hand than just the dog, so I strongly recommend thinking/talking about those, too, because they'll keep coming up again and again.

[juliahenry]

Dec 8, 2017 12:17:36 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I have a good friend going through this right now. What’s his reasoning behind not wanting a dog?

He says he already has enough going on in his life, does not want to be responsible for another life.

I’m annoyed because since he has too much going on, he never washes a dish or picks up his socks. And yet i somehow magically am managing to keep the house running and mostly tidy, keep the kids alive, and work a full-time big job that works out to 55 hours a week and he doesn’t want the work/responsibility of a dog.

[jinkies]

We've been going through the dog/no dog debate for about a year now. In our case, though, the "no dog" parent varies depending on the day. We've never both been in the "yes dog" camp at the same time that an ideal dog has been available.

My biggest concern is the lifestyle change-- we've never had to worry about being gone all day, and right now we have the freedom to go straight from picking the kids up at the bus stop to an activity or run errands, without worrying about a dog's bathroom or social needs. Also our mornings are pretty hectic, and I worry about adding a dog walk to that.

My husband's biggest concern is the cost. Vet bills, boarding, grooming, food.

In either case, getting a dog is a long-term commitment, and if he is not on board, I think you need to respect that.

[imojoebunny]

I have a friend in your shoes. She compromises by being my dogs god mother. She takes my Doodes every so often. I didn't want a dog, DH did, for 16 years, I finally agreed to get an Australian Labradoodle, after my brother got one. I spent a lot of time with his, and could still breathe and not have a terrible headache and watery eyes. If your DH is allergic, he might associate dogs with chronically feeling bad. Once I found one that didn't make me feel sick, I ended up loving DH's dog so much, I got another one for my birthday.

[lust2hart]

Dec 8, 2017 12:16:00 GMT -5 juliahenry said:

Dec 8, 2017 12:13:46 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Correct. No Dog.

Signed,

The "No Dog" police in my house.

But why not? Seriously, what’s the harm?

Think of all the times you can't take the dog for a walk - you're late for work, you have an evening event, etc. - so you ask DH to do it. He either refuses because "I never wanted a dog in the first place," or he does it, the whole time grumbling, "I never wanted a dog in the first place." 

You say that he won't have to deal with it if he doesn't want to, but that's just not true. 

Plus, you're signing him up for the expenses that come with a dog - in addition to the regular food bills, there's the petsitter / boarding costs when you go out of town that he didn't sign up for, the vet bills he didn't sign up for, etc. 

[thelurkylulu]

You mentioned buying from a breeder, so I am assuming you want a puppy. Puppies are a TON of work and labradoodles are notoriously high maintenance. Your kids may "want" a dog but they don't want the responsibility of it so that's all going to come back on you and your DH. Maybe he would consider getting a rescue/older dog who has been trained on some level? All dogs require work I the beginning, but if you really want a dog, he needs to be on board.

[jigsy]

I am also cringing at your "hypoallergenic" reference...you know that is a myth, right?

[lust2hart]

Dec 8, 2017 12:29:08 GMT -5 juliahenry said:

Dec 8, 2017 12:17:36 GMT -5 devonpow said:

I have a good friend going through this right now. What’s his reasoning behind not wanting a dog?

He says he already has enough going on in his life, does not want to be responsible for another life.

I’m annoyed because since he has too much going on, he never washes a dish or picks up his socks. And yet i somehow magically am managing to keep the house running and mostly tidy, keep the kids alive, and work a full-time big job that works out to 55 hours a week and he doesn’t want the work/responsibility of a dog.

This is a valid annoyance on your part, but this is something you need to work through, not just go out and get a dog in spite of these issues.

[sparkythelawyer]

Dec 8, 2017 12:16:00 GMT -5 juliahenry said:

Dec 8, 2017 12:13:46 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Correct. No Dog.

Signed,

The "No Dog" police in my house.

But why not? Seriously, what’s the harm?

Without knowing if he has offered any more concrete reasons:

1)  It is not fair to bring any living creature into a home where it is not wanted. 

2)  "The kids will help with the dog" is famous last words.  

My husband would LOVE a dog.  I just....don't.  I didn't grow up with dogs, and I have no interest in acquiring any new living thing in my home that requires me to set my schedule around its needs.  I have not interest in cleaning up more poop, etc.  I just.   don't want a dog.  Maybe later, down the road, but I just don't want one.  And that should be respected too.

[BaliHai]

I think you're conflating the dog issue and the husband issue. If you're feeling resentful because he doesn't pull his weight, maybe work on that first and then revisit the dog idea once that's settled. In the meantime, no dog.

[juliahenry]

Dec 8, 2017 12:32:06 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I am also cringing at your "hypoallergenic" reference...you know that is a myth, right?

Yes. We’ve had dogs before. Some types are ok, some are not. 

[juliahenry]

Dec 8, 2017 12:33:22 GMT -5 BaliHai said:

I think you're conflating the dog issue and the husband issue. If you're feeling resentful because he doesn't pull his weight, maybe work on that first and then revisit the dog idea once that's settled. In the meantime, no dog.

I’m not sure that I am. Our balance of work/responsibilities works for us, I’m just resenting that he uses the workload as an excuse not to consider a dog when he doesn’t actually do the work.

i would never get a dog if he wasn’t on board, but I wish he was more open to considering it.

[Aquatica]

Dec 8, 2017 12:33:22 GMT -5 BaliHai said:

I think you're conflating the dog issue and the husband issue. If you're feeling resentful because he doesn't pull his weight, maybe work on that first and then revisit the dog idea once that's settled. In the meantime, no dog.

This.

From your posts it sounds like you are very busy and bringing a pet into the mix sounds like an extra unnecessary stress until prior issues are worked on first.

[bittybomb]

I fought for a long time against a dog in my house. But it was because I knew that I'd be doing all of the work. I also never had a dog so I didn't "get it." And I had my 3 kids in 3 1/2 years so I was over the thought of caring for another living thing. I finally caved after my youngest turned 5, and I freaking love the shit out of our little guy (schnauzer/poodle mix so he's especially amazing when it comes to allergies), and I am wrapped around his paw completely. But I was right - I do nearly everything for the dog.

[TR]

Dec 8, 2017 12:36:27 GMT -5 juliahenry said:

Dec 8, 2017 12:33:22 GMT -5 BaliHai said:

I think you're conflating the dog issue and the husband issue. If you're feeling resentful because he doesn't pull his weight, maybe work on that first and then revisit the dog idea once that's settled. In the meantime, no dog.

I’m not sure that I am. Our balance of work/responsibilities works for us, I’m just resenting that he uses the workload as an excuse not to consider a dog when he doesn’t actually do the work.

i would never get a dog if he wasn’t on board, but I wish he was more open to considering it.

Well, so just think about how much more resentful you'll feel when he's not doing any of that stuff AND not helping with any dog stuff. I love our two dogs to death, but they are a giant pain in the ass at least 25% of the time. And there's no way just one of us could be fully responsible. Sometimes the older one pees on the floor when I'm home, sometimes it's when FI's home. Sometimes I can get home to let them out, sometimes he has to do it. There's no way to do it without both people being on board.

I do think your H sounds like kind of an asshole, but we are only getting your side and that's the problem I think you should work on first.

Bottom line is it sucks, but no animal should be brought into a home where someone doesn't want them.

[tamarindy]

He doesn’t want one, and it sounds like you would expect him to pull that workload. He’s being smart by being honest and realizing the commitment it would involve.

Plus, (may be flammable) if you’re going to give money to a breeder rather than rescue, just don’t do it anyway. You can always volunteer locally to walk dogs at a shelter or for a rescue.

[candreco]

It sounds like there might be bigger issues to resolve before you get to the dog. Why is he opposed?

[TR]

Oh and I kind of skipped right over the breeder/designer breed thing. Don't do that, period.

[BaliHai]

Dec 8, 2017 12:36:27 GMT -5 juliahenry said:

Dec 8, 2017 12:33:22 GMT -5 BaliHai said:

I think you're conflating the dog issue and the husband issue. If you're feeling resentful because he doesn't pull his weight, maybe work on that first and then revisit the dog idea once that's settled. In the meantime, no dog.

I’m not sure that I am. Our balance of work/responsibilities works for us, I’m just resenting that he uses the workload as an excuse not to consider a dog when he doesn’t actually do the work.

i would never get a dog if he wasn’t on board, but I wish he was more open to considering it.

I'd argue that if it worked for you, you wouldn't be feeling resentful, but you know better than I do! Good luck.

[lolalolalola]

I feel your pain. I want a dog, DH doesn’t. So, we got 2 cats lol. They are much less work.