WWYD: Family Drama

[iamtorn]

POOF

[panicked]

100% report. If he needs a clearance, he will be working with classified information. With his history, I’d have a hard time not speaking up. He hasn’t shown that he can be trusted with anything, let along classified info.

[y4m]

I wouldn't lie and I wouldn't actively make a report.

The clearance checks I have been involved with seem to be less about figuring out whether you've done bad stuff in the past and more about figuring out whether you have secrets that could be held over your head. So if you did bad stuff before and own it, it probably won't hurt you.  Asking people to lie about it...is doing it wrong.

[cabbagecabbage]

Are you sure he isn’t stealing your identity?

[flex]

I'm Team 100% Report. He's 19--time to start experience consequences for his behavior.

[InvaderGIR]

If he's asking you to lie, it means he's planning to omit that info on his end as well. I'd absolutely contact someone and pass along the texts he sent you. Him doing any of those things isn't an issue if he reports it. That's what the forms are for. Him lying/asking others to lie about it it HUGE.

[TamiTaylor]

Dec 14, 2017 17:12:12 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

Are you sure he isn’t stealing your identity?

That was my first thought.

[megstoo]

Certainly don't lie for him.

I'd be inclined to make a report if it could be anonymous. If you said he's back to his old ways using drugs/drinking that could be a problem for him down the line working with any classified information or secrets.

I know they will check criminal and financial records so if he was never charged most likely nothing will show up.

[wildrice]

I would stay out of it, unless asked. Then I'd tell the truth.

He is still young, and while that doesn't excuse his past behavior, I think it also means that he still has a chance to grow up and learn to behave properly. If you haven't been close with him recently, maybe he's there already. I'd let someone who isn't as emotionally invested in the situation evaluate his readiness for this.

[iamtorn]

Dec 14, 2017 17:12:12 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

[iamtorn]

Dec 14, 2017 17:15:59 GMT -5 wildrice said:

[cleo29]

I would not lie for him and if you are truly concerned on what this job would entail and his lack of trustworthiness, I would consider making a report. I do think he is at a point where real consequences for his actions would not be a bad thing AND I think he is still young enough that this would not be life or career ending. He has plenty of time to get his shit together, but he won't until he really has to.

It sounds like you and brother A already are tough with him, which is good, so I would not stop now. Also, so sorry he betrayed your brother like that, that would be pretty hard to forgive.

[tacoflavoredkisses]

Dec 14, 2017 17:08:37 GMT -5 panicked said:

100% report. If he needs a clearance, he will be working with classified information. With his history, I’d have a hard time not speaking up. He hasn’t shown that he can be trusted with anything, let along classified info.

I have a government clearance and have never touched classified material.

I would not go out of my way to make a report but I would be honest if they asked you.

[smock]

[Source] iamtorn said:

He showed his true colors when mom was still alive so I truly believe this is how he's going to be.  

I can see that your brother is causing a lot of hurt in your family, and harm to himself. But if he's only 19, that means he was 13 when your mother passed away--that's still a child. Some people are assholes from birth, but it sounds like he's gone through a lot and this might not be "how he's going to be" forever.

He's clearly struggling, and obviously you shouldn't lie for him, but I hope for everyone's sake that he can get his life back together and have a relationship with his family.

[rosiebear]

I would not lie and I would not make a report.
It seems that Brother A is extremely, unusually, responsible and mature, and has been from a young age.

Brother B is not, but honestly his behavior is not THAT out of line for s very young man whose early teen years were spent watching his mom be very sick and then pass away.

Also, in families where one kid takes the mantle of “the good son,” it’s not unusual for the other one to act the role of the fuckup, at least until he can figure his own way.

He’s going into a serious job, which could be very very good for him. I would not go out of my way to stop this opportunity.

[flex]

This is just an FYI and not sure if this will help, but I've dealt with workers who had government clearance when I was a union rep. If they get a job, continue with their shenanigans, get in trouble over it and don't self report, they are in a heap o' trouble. If you choose not to report, etc., eventually his immature, irresponsible behavior (if he continues with it) will catch up with him sooner or later.

[mrssandro]

I would not lie and I would not make a report.

This is a hard situation all around. I try to think that deep down people have good in them. They make big mistakes sometimes and obvs. at this point he can't be trusted. But on the other hand he is trying to make something of his life better even if he did out of boredom. Perhaps he was tired of being a bum.

I also grew up in a military family. My cousin was kind of a bad teenager and wasted so much time and basically was a bum but he joined the military and is now a good father of 4 serving still after 10 years. He is doing really well and seems like he finally got his life together. So I could be considered biased.

[mcsangel2]

I guess I'm just not familiar enough with government and military employment, because the next question I have after the identity theft one is how is a 19 year old with his employment history in a position to apply to something that needs government clearance?

[lilac05]

No need to answer here, but I'd consider how it may or may not affect your clearance. Is there a "mandatory reporter" expectation that comes along with it? Would there be an issue down the road if he did get in trouble and they found out that you knew important information and didn't share it?

I know nothing about clearances, but if there is such a thing, I'd report now. No need to put your job in jeopardy for him.

I hope B is able to get his life together. Losing a mom at 13 has to be incredibly difficult, and I think that lots of this could be related to that. He also probably knows there's nothing he can do to measure up to A, so why try?

[Nonny]

Lying to the military to help someone get clearance when you have government clearance of your own seems like a really good way to lose your own clearance.

Also, your story and timeline makes no damn sense.

If your brother is currently 19, and your mom died six years ago, then he would have been 13 when she passed away, and yet:

Brother B refused to help out at home (prior to mom passing). He chose not get his license and his friends drove him everywhere, disobeying curfew, drinking/drugs with friends. He chose to work 1 day a week and spend everything he earned. My parents wouldn't get him a car since he wouldn't be able to afford it and no license also no maturity.

A 12-13 year old was refusing to get his license? But the reason why your parents wouldn't get him a car was because he wouldn't be able to afford it... not because he was underage.  

[miso]

I also thought this didn't make sense.

But there was nothing interesting or salacious about it to be satisfying MUD either.

Good luck?

[themysteriouswife]

I want to find your brother and give him a hug. He's a kid who dealt with heavy grief in the most developmental time for a teen. 13 is a hard age to begin with. He had a lot thrown in him very young. An ill parent I'd hard at any age.
Give the kids a chance before declaring him a lost cause

[bugandbibs]

In case this is legit: I would not make a voluntary report. I would let Brother B know that you will not lie for him and encourage him to self report anything now. At 19, he is making strides to improve himself and the military structure may be a really good fit for him. His own job performance will determine what happens next.

[jewel]

Dec 14, 2017 17:25:58 GMT -5 iamtorn said:

Dec 14, 2017 17:15:59 GMT -5 wildrice said:

I would stay out of it, unless asked. Then I'd tell the truth.

He is still young, and while that doesn't excuse his past behavior, I think it also means that he still has a chance to grow up and learn to behave properly. If you haven't been close with him recently, maybe he's there already. I'd let someone who isn't as emotionally invested in the situation evaluate his readiness for this.

  He showed his true colors when mom was still alive so I truly believe this is how he's going to be.  

His true colors, when he was 12 and his mom was dying?

I understand that he's probably made a lot of poor choices along the way, but this CHILD watched his mom die, at a particularly difficult age. He's lived in the shadow of 2 abnormally mature and responsible siblings. His brain isn't even done developing yet.

Unless failing to report is going to affect your job/clearance, I don't see any reason to go out of your way to report. If/when he turns his life around, some decision has to be the first "good" decision. Maybe this is it? Maybe not. Either way, the military is going to figure it out.

[eclaires]

My brother was a spoiled dumbass when he was a teenager. He occasionally did selfish, dumb shit even after he joined the national guard at 18.

He's now 34 and an officer. A ranger. And a Green Beret. Very well respected in his position. Many awards over the years. Top of every class/training he's done.

Idk. It seems like you are really invested in him experiencing some consequences but this could potentially be just what he needs and it seems pretty shitty to actively try to torpedo it. I wouldn't lie for him but I also wouldn't go out of my way to ensure he is told on. If he fucks it up, he fucks it up. But he might not. And I think I would want to let him have that chance because it's not really affecting me.

[AutumnRose25]

Your brother is a fuck up because at age 13 , when his mother died, he was only employed one day a week and didn’t have his drivers license?


Way harsh.

[cville]

I consider myself a pretty decent human being, I have grown up to be relatively productive in society, and when I was 12 and my mom was hospitalized and underwent for surgery for what we thought may be life-threatening issues (thankfully they were not), I was not helpful around the house or even particularly nice. Your brother may have been a non-ideal kid, clearly suffers a great deal in comparison to your "good" brother, and may be a total asshat for life, but, dang.


Don't lie for him.

[kath16]

My brother got in heaps of trouble as a teenager and our parents are both still alive and married. He was bored and did stupid things. He became a high ranking officer in the military because he was highly suited in the specific skill sets that he needed.

Don't lie for him. Don't go out of your way to jeopardize him either.

(If this is real. The timeline is wacky.)

[pandora89]

Brother B wasn’t 13 when his mother died, he is 13 years younger than OP. I think he was at least 16/17 when his mother died.

[ECB]

I’m going to assume that your timeline is perhaps a bit wonky because of storytelling.

Past that, i agree with the last few posters. Your brother lost his mom at the age of 13. Did he show some crappy behavior before that? Sure. But that doesn’t mean those were his “true colors”. He was 11/12/13 years old. He was a KID.

If we were all held to our behavior when we were PRE teens - Lordy.

Don’t lie for him but don’t report him. Try to find a little compassion.