I think it totally depends on the guy. The girl I was with after my first marriage broke up insisted that I destroy / trash all the photos of my ex wife / marriage. I didn't regret it, although I realize I have no pictures of my ex wife at all, so cant even remember her really any more. But then, I am not sentimental and don't really do regret.
On the other hand, if the girl he is with was anything like mine, she is gonna be trouble - because she is probably insecure / lunatic. Insecure is fine, but insecure / lunatic is trouble lol.
Post by thumper55 on Sept 17, 2012 15:58:12 GMT -5
agree with you but I totally get where she is coming from
maybe flameful but years ago, I threw away all H's photos of his ex gf without telling him . I know he doesn't have a thing for her, but seeing the pictures bugged me. I think if I had asked him, he would say it's OK to throw them out, but I never asked him.
Post by mominatrix on Sept 17, 2012 15:58:49 GMT -5
I honestly don't get the "don't talk about it / destroy all evidence of it and it will cease to exist" mentality.
My H was married for 7 years before we met. It's not like he had a five minute marriage. The marriage (and the time he was with her before they were married) was a huge chunk of his life.
My mom gets pissed if he mentions his ex, like ever. So my mom can say something like, for example, "have you ever been to Florida before?" And my H, being a social person who actually answers questions, will say, "yes, I have been there once, to Disney World, with my ex-wife." ...and my mom will GO OFF on him for being insensitive to me for actually mentioning the fact he has an ex wife.
Like, I know he has one, mom. I also know that they aren't together anymore, and his ex wife lives 2000 miles away, with her new husband and their kids. So why would you get pissed off at the mention?
Destroying the pictures won't change the fact that he was married before.
agree with you but I totally get where she is coming from
maybe flameful but years ago, I threw away all H's photos of his ex gf without telling him . I know he doesn't have a thing for her, but seeing the pictures bugged me. I think if I had asked him, he would say it's OK to throw them out, but I never asked him.
I don't think their relationship is off to a good start. Is she threatened by the fact he's divorced, perhaps?
DH has zero pictures from ex-w, but I did make sure that any of the things he brought into our home together once we were married weren't items he received as wedding gifts from wedding with ex-w.
SBP - Welp. In that case, if he wants to throw them out do it. I'd just respond with "Good for him. Sounds like he's doing some cleansing." Leave it at that.
ETA: And don't offer any real advice in this situation. I'd be very generic with everything. Sounds like professional help is needed for ole' boy at some point.
Jesus. This!!! Back away SBP. BACK AWAY.
Talk about fashion..those rain shoes you just liked...something else friendsy--stop this talk.
She sounds jealous and insecure. I have been there, so I know the feeling. I pulled this kind of crap with a boyfriend in my early 20s and now I cringe thinking about the way I acted. Fortunately I grew up before meeting H, who not only has pictures of his ex wife but she has actually been an overnight guest in our house (which turned out to be a disaster, though not because of jealousy issues - because she is a hot mess lol).
Ditto pp that these are not her demons to handle. Sounds like she has enough of her own.
ETA: I have some pictures of me with an exboyfriend somewhere, I think. I kept them primarily because I was really thin then and looked awesome and I like to have proof/memory of this. And he wasn't a bad guy - just bad for me. But I did throw out all the pictures of a different ex-boyfriend who was horrible - I came across a photo of him unexpectedly while moving and it literally made me physically ill to see his picture. Ugh.
I just think she's not really dealing with her shit. She thinks she's "fixing" him and maybe he needs fixing. But so does she and her efforts would be better spent on herself.
If she's got security issues I don't see how him throwing away pictures is magically going to fix the situation.
It won't. She'll just find something else to fixate on.
Post by heightsyankee on Sept 17, 2012 19:36:21 GMT -5
THere are no pics of DHs ex in our house. He was still married to her (but separated and living in different cities) when we met. He had no pics of her in their apartment. I think his family has some, but I've never seen them.
When DH and I 1st met, he had a lot of animosity toward his ex. She cheated and he was depressed and then really angry. I told him we could move father in our relationship when he wasn't angry anymore because if he was emotional about it that meant he wasn't over it. I could tell when he was really past it because he would crack a joke about it in some way or another.
Maybe, and again this is without knowing anything about them, the fact that he harbors so much anger freaks her out a bit and she wants to help him purge to move past it? I agree with others who said that forcing him isn't the best option and that she sounds insecure about the relationship. It kind of sounds like they needed more time before cohabitation.
Post by SmartyCat on Sept 17, 2012 22:41:30 GMT -5
DH and I have both been married before. Me for about 3 years in my 20s, him for 25 years. I got rid of my wedding-to-ex pictures long ago, but would totally give the side-eye (and probably ditch) any guy who tried to "persuade" me that it was time to get rid of them. DH didn't bring any photos of his ex into our marriage, but again it was because HE was done.
It actually freaked me out a bit that his XW knew what I looked like but I didn't know what she looked like - she mentioned in an e-mail having seen us together - and I was relieved when some old group photo surfaced and I could put a name with a face. So, you know, if she ever runs me over in a parking lot I'll know for sure it's her. They had been split up for a while before DH and I met, but apparently his job was to forever be despondent after she dumped him - his being happily remarried was not in her script and she's still pissed.
Agree with others and your own assessment - her focus on his past/issues is a nice distraction from dealing with her own.
Post by explorer2001 on Sept 17, 2012 23:00:02 GMT -5
My exH is an abusive sociopath. I have purged everything I can related to him and those memories and I still have pictures from our wedding. That album is the only place I have certain pictures of me with my best friends (who live all over the world) together and certain family members who live on the other side of the country.
I'd be the wrong person to ask because I don't think I've thrown out a picture, ever.
No way in hell, I'd throw out wedding pictures, even if they sat in a box, collecting dust.
The marriage happened. Your friend needs to accept that. Removing the photos doesn't negate that. If she was asking him not to display them, I'd think she was right.
To me, keeping photos doesn't even necessarily mean you are overly fond of the people in the photo...but still, it's your history and your memories.
He says (according to her) that the reason he hasn't done it until now is because he just didn't want to have to think about her. Because he hates her so much...
If he truly wanted to do it anyhow, o.k., fine. But still. You say she said she had to "persuade" him to do it...??
I'm taking that as he wants to do it, but at the same time doing it means having to deal with it, KWIM? I don't think he really wants to keep them at all.