Encouraging parents/ILs to move?

[Brie]

Right now, the ILs live about 4 hours away from us and the rest of the family in a rural area. It can be difficult to go see them if the weather is bad because you need to take a lot of twisty back roads on hills that aren't maintained well in snow or ice, so access is somewhat limited for part of the year.

They are both currently in decent health, but are in their mid-60s. FIL's health has been declining some lately--nothing life-threatening, but serious arthritis that makes yardwork and such more difficult. Both are retired, although FIL does a bit of consulting online from home that could be done anywhere. I don't know the specifics of their MM situation, but they own their house outright and are generally very MM, so I'm pretty sure they're in great shape for retirement and such. Their current home is a ranch, but they have a few acres of land to maintain that goes with it. It just doesn't make a ton of sense for them to stay where they are and we're not sure what keeps them there.

We would love to have them near us. They are currently building a block of ranch-style townhomes around the corner that would be perfect--no stairs or outdoor maintenance, easy access to us and the rest of the family, close to their grandkid, etc. I am confident we could live around the corner without them being overly intrusive, and we have a generally good relationship.

Anyway, obviously this is kind of a sensitive topic, but we'd like to broach it with them as an idea when they visit us after the baby gets here without it sounding like, "hey, you're getting old."

Has anyone dealt with this? How did you handle it?

[zelda25]

It doesn't sound like they're unable to care for their current property, so suggesting to them that they're getting too old and decrepit to stay there would probably sound offensive (rightly so). You could broach it by asking if they've thought about moving closer to the rest of the family and see what they say. They might be thinking about it, but don't want to assume their kids would want them that close, or they might really love where they are and don't see a reason to leave yet.

[mollz007]

Sept 17, 2012 17:39:39 GMT -5 zelda25 said:

It doesn't sound like they're unable to care for their current property, so suggesting to them that they're getting too old and decrepit to stay there would probably sound offensive (rightly so). You could broach it by asking if they've thought about moving closer to the rest of the family and see what they say. They might be thinking about it, but don't want to assume their kids would want them that close, or they might really love where they are and don't see a reason to leave yet.

Agree with this

[Brie]

Sept 17, 2012 17:39:39 GMT -5 zelda25 said:

It doesn't sound like they're unable to care for their current property, so suggesting to them that they're getting too old and decrepit to stay there would probably sound offensive (rightly so). You could broach it by asking if they've thought about moving closer to the rest of the family and see what they say. They might be thinking about it, but don't want to assume their kids would want them that close, or they might really love where they are and don't see a reason to leave yet.

Yeah, we DEFINITELY don't want it to come across that way. They're perfectly independent and capable now, we're just kind of thinking ahead and know they probably won't always be.

I guess we mostly just want to let them know generally that we're open to the idea without it sounding like we think they're incompetent.

[heygrey]

i would more or less joke about it... "hey they are building some really nice ranches right around the corner - you should move up here! baby would love to see you more."

you might find that they love where they live and don't see issues the same way you do. my parents are 10 years younger, but have similar property and i can see them facing the same issues in the future, however they are planning to hire help as needed so they can stay there as long as possible.

[ECB]

My IL's are in their 70's and not in great health. We feel they need to downsize. They live about an hour from us. We've broached the topic in a very general way - and they like where they live! They have their friends, their temple, etc.

You need to keep that aspect in mind- their social lives, whatever that amounts to. ANd your IL's are FOUR hours away. I know you're thinking "They'll be near us and our kids", but if they have a support structure where they live, getting up and moving 4 hours may not be attractive to them.

Just something to keep in mind.

[Deleted]

Dangle adorable newborn. Say it's too bad you have to go home. Wait for their response. Maybe have the real estate section open.

[Deleted]

I would just mention in passing that you saw the new homes and that they made you think of them and that it would be nice to have them so close by. Since it isn't an immediate issue, you are just sowing seeds right now.

[Brie]

Sept 17, 2012 17:56:18 GMT -5 ECB said:

My IL's are in their 70's and not in great health. We feel they need to downsize. They live about an hour from us. We've broached the topic in a very general way - and they like where they live! They have their friends, their temple, etc.

You need to keep that aspect in mind- their social lives, whatever that amounts to. ANd your IL's are FOUR hours away. I know you're thinking "They'll be near us and our kids", but if they have a support structure where they live, getting up and moving 4 hours may not be attractive to them.

Just something to keep in mind.

Yeah, this is a good point. They have a lot of friends and volunteer-type stuff in their current town, but if they moved near us they would have us and also five of MIL's siblings that she's close to.

I think for now we're just in the very tentative seed-sowing stage.

[cjeanette]

I read the title as you were encouraging them to move away...lol.

[Deleted]

are you sure you would want them living closer? It seems like it's easy to say you wouldn't mind them living closer to you when they are currently 4 hours away. Right down the street could be another story.

[Deleted]

Sept 17, 2012 17:35:07 GMT -5 Brie said:

we're not sure what keeps them there.

Maybe they like it.

I've heard, "What's keeping you there?" so many times during my job search. Sometimes people like where they are for reasons that aren't evident to outsiders.

[starlily]

Sept 17, 2012 17:56:18 GMT -5 ECB said:

My IL's are in their 70's and not in great health. We feel they need to downsize. They live about an hour from us. We've broached the topic in a very general way - and they like where they live! They have their friends, their temple, etc.

You need to keep that aspect in mind- their social lives, whatever that amounts to. ANd your IL's are FOUR hours away. I know you're thinking "They'll be near us and our kids", but if they have a support structure where they live, getting up and moving 4 hours may not be attractive to them.

Just something to keep in mind.

All of this, plus the fact that old people are stubborn.

[drloretta]

I'd mention the THs and tell them that would be a great option if they were ever thinking of downsizing. Then see what happens.

DH's grandmother should have downsized a few years ago, but everyone recognizes that she'll leave her house when she's dead. It is what it is.

[chessie]

Are you sure you want them near you? I would mention downsizing, like the others have mentioned. Normally I suggest moving down south since our area is too expensive to retire. Hoping ours moves to FL so they can live their retirement with out any issues..we shall see.

[dirtyred]

I don't know. We couldn't talk my parents into moving across the street to get out of their nightmare two story house into a ranch after my dad's back surgery and my mom's knee replacements.

And they had talked for years about how much they would like to own said ranch house.

[Deleted]

Sept 17, 2012 18:32:51 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

Sept 17, 2012 17:35:07 GMT -5 Brie said:

we're not sure what keeps them there.

Maybe they like it.

I've heard, "What's keeping you there?" so many times during my job search. Sometimes people like where they are for reasons that aren't evident to outsiders.

:Y:

My parents are retired and have a lot of land. They love it. They have zero desire to be closer to us kids. They alwasy wanted to retire with land and just lazily do yard work and work on their house. My parents would be like ^o) if we asked them to move closer. You know them best, but maybe they really do love it there.

[rosiedozie]

Have you asked them if they already have a plan?

[dr.girlfriend]

I would just mention it, like, "Hey, if you ever think of retiring closer to us, there's some nice ranches being built around the corner" or something. My mom is obsessed with her grandson, but I still wouldn't want her to move up here because she's also really involved with her friends and neighbors. She'd love to live close to us, but we couldn't replace her women's group and wine club and dinners out with neighbors, etc. Not sure if that's the case with your ILs, but if they've lived there for ages they may be more connected than you think.

Keep monitoring the situation as the kid gets older and more interactive and starts to ask for them all the time. ;-) And honestly, mid-60's is nothing these days. My parents are hitting their mid-70's and still going strong, tramping around Italy.

[heyrebekah]

Sept 17, 2012 21:56:56 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

I would just mention it, like, "Hey, if you ever think of retiring closer to us, there's some nice ranches being built around the corner" or something.

Ditto, except I wouldn't say "ranches." That just screams "You are getting to old for the stairs, you old fogies." if they are interested they will look and find that out.

[macmars45]

I would mention it casually. Not in a you're old way but a we'd love to have you closer way.

My ILs live on a boat in SE Alaska. We tell them all.the.time how awesome it would be if they moved down the Seattle area where we are. The aren't budging though, they love AK.