It started with a knife..trigger warning..

[leviosa]

I don’t typically post here. But I’ve been looking for an outlet to share this. Since it’s rather political, I thought CEP was a good place to post it. I know most people here believe in gun control, but in case there are people here who don’t believe in gun control, I hope my story might help change your opinion.

If this isn’t the place. Please fee free to delete.

Trigger warning though. Abuse/rape is mentioned.


The most common comment I hear from people who don’t believe in gun control is ‘well. If it wasn’t a gun, it would be a knife.. or something else.’

And that makes me sick to my stomach. For me, it started with a knife. Or the threat of a knife.

My ex used to get drunk, pull out his hunting knife, and sharpen it in front of me. He’d then put it on the bedside table and tell me if I made any noise, he’d stab me. Then he’d rape me repeatedly.

And I had this plan in my head. If he ever tried to get me with a knife, I could probably outrun him. If I’m running it’s unlikely he’d cut me in any way that could kill me. I held on to that. Week after week.

One day he came home with a package. Something he had ordered online with all the gadgets and add one you could imagine. He opened it in front of me. It was an M-15 rifle.

He took me to the shooting range to show me how adept he was at shooting the gun. Then he laid it on the counter. Got drunk and said ‘if you try to run. If you make any noise. I will shoot you.’

In that moment I thought I was dead. I could never get out. I could never outrun a semi automatic weapon. He’d spend some evenings cleaning it. Then the next day we’d go out and he’d shoot it in front of me.

I had lost all hope. If I tried to get out, I’d likely die. He’d kill me.

I had a chance against a knife. I had no hope against an M-15.

I finally left him after he beat me up enough to put me in the hospital. He left for work and I managed to get myself there.

Police officers wanted me to press charges, get me a restraining order. I asked if he’d lose his guns. They said only if he was convicted. How long could that take?
A piece of paper vs a gun? If I pressed charges he’d for sure hunt me down and kill me. I had finally gotten out. Charges couldn’t be what did me in. So I didn’t.

When I talked to my lawyer, they informed me that even if he was convicted, he wouldn’t really have to give up his guns. Officers could go to the house and tell him they knew he had weapons. All he had to say was that he got rid of them already. They don’t do a search for them. He could keep his guns.

More reasons not to press charges.

My greatest relief was when a mutual friend called me and let me know my ex had gotten rid of his guns because his new girlfriend didn’t like them. I only had to worry about knives again.

Years of therapy later, I’m finally in a good place. But I’m still terrified of guns.

There are people who shouldn’t have guns. There are guns that shouldn’t be sold. Who need an M-15 rifle? My ex hunted, but the sole purpose of that rifle was to torture me. He didn’t use it for hunting.

People are fighting the ability to give someone a fighting chance.

Why were his rights to own a gun greater than my rights to be safe?

Why is anybody’s right to own guns greater than someone else’s right to be safe?

We need better laws. Keep fighting for better laws.

[WOT?*]

Oh my God that was hard to read. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine living through that. I'm so sorry.

[lilac05]

I'm so sorry. Your story is heart-wrenching, and I'm glad that you are now in a better place. Thank you for sharing it. I will continue to fight with you to get laws changed.

[VillainV]

Thank you so much for having the bravery to share that. NOBODY should go through what you did.

[sonrisa]

How awful.

Thank you for telling your story here. your bravery is incredible.

i wish everyone who is in a position to legislate guns could read, feel, and understand what you wrote.

[bex]

I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing your story.

[averyjessup]

Holy shit dude. I'm SO sorry. I don't want to make this about to me, but I want to tell you in solidarity - I was nearly stabbed once, nowhere near the same but a random act of violence by an angry guy on drugs. I was absolutely frozen with fear and my H managed to push him away from me. I have absolutely no doubt that if the guy had had access to a gun, I'd be dead. People who harp on about how if it's not a gun it'll be a knife or something else enrage me & I'm 100% with you.

[wildrice]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing.

You bring up such a good point that I've been thinking, too. Yes, it would be great if those convicted of domestic violence were unable to access guns. But a conviction is a really dangerous and difficult thing for a woman to pursue. So many of us don't, and how many abusers are out there who shouldn't have access to guns?

PDQ
My story is much less scary than yous, but my violent XH also had guns. He never physically threatened me with them, but would sometimes say stuff like "I wish I could just take you out back and shoot you and bury you in the woods" when we'd argue. The physical abuse from him was minor - things like pinning me to the bed when we were arguing to get me to stop yelling, or he bit me a couple of times, and broke my stuff. I am 99% sure I wouldn't have had anything to convict him on, but in the years since we split I've many times read something about a husband who snapped and murdered his wife or girlfriend and felt very lucky that my XH never snapped like that - it would have been very easy for him to grab one of his guns and murder me. For a while after we divorced I felt really glad he didn't have my address...just in case (though he could have probably easily found it).

I don't think we should just throw up our hands and say "it isn't enough so we shouldn't bother". But taking guns away from those convicted doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the threat to women everywhere. Even if we took away from those who have something reported it doesn't do enough. I don't know how to solve that.

[penguingrrl]

I am so sorry for the horror you have lived. And glad to hear you got out safely. There are so many people who shouldn’t be gun owners and nothing in place to prevent it, and it’s terrifying. So many lives needlessly lost to “freedom.”

[vicky]

I’m so sorry you had to experience that. You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you went through that. I also had an abusive ex. He threatened to slit my wrists so people would think I killed myself. I feel your pain. I also didn't press charges because I knew that would put me in more danger.

[eponinepontmercy]

I didn't want to read and not respond. I'm so sorry you went through that.

[krystee]

Oh my goodness, I have chills reading that, thinking of your terror and hopelessness. You are so strong for getting out and speaking out. If you feel comfortable enough to publish this anonymously (maybe changing some details like the exact type of gun so he can't identify you), I bet the Huffington Post or Slate or Vanity Fair might run it.

[thejen626]

I'm so sorry.

[jreeds]

I'm so sorry he put you through that.

[sent]

I'm so sorry. What you went through was awful. I've been in spousal situations where the law makes you feel hopeless. When someone is a nasty menace behaving within the rules of law, what chance do any of us have?

[starlily]

This was chilling to read and I'm so glad you're safe now. I'm sorry you had to go through that at all.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[aurora]

I'm sorry he abused you like that. I'm glad you are in a better place now.

The "if it weren't a fun, it would be a knife" argument drives me batty, even without the same sorry if trauma you experienced.

[Deleted]

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry he did that to you. I am so glad you got away.

[bronxgirl]

I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. Thank you so much for having the bravery to share this. you have a very important perspective that needs to be heard.

[sugarbear]

My God.
I am so incredibly sorry you had to endure that.

[leviosa]

krystee. I’ve sent letters anonymously to the governor and senators in my state (they are currently working up some better gun laws). I might send them to some of those places.

wildrice. I agree completely. There is not enough in place to protect women who’ve reported. I don’t think that much could have been done for me, If I reported. It was my word against his. He was manipulative, and I am 99% certain that he would have talked his way out of it. That would have put me in much more danger.

I wish there were secured apartment complexes for all women who have endured abuse. With guards or something. . A place they could live in and feel safe while they fought their abusers in court. With a shuttle to drive them places so they don’t need to get in and out of their cars alone. A secure driver who walks them in and out of work.

I feel like for me, that would have been liberating. Even though I had someone with me all the time. It would probably be the first time I felt safe, ever. And that is liberating.



Thank you all for your kind words. Sharing my experience is hard, but if I can help make a change, and encourage others to stand up for change. It’s worth it.

We can do better. We need to do better.

[tessalb]

Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I’m so sorry it happened to you.

[isabel]

I am so glad that you got yourself out of that situation. No person should ever have to go through anything like that and I am sorry that you were victimized by him.

I am 100% with you. I truly wish that we could just melt down every damn gun in this entire country.

[anlo]

Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry he did that to you.

[Pom]

You were brave to leave. I hope you have peace all of your days ahead. Thank you for sharing.

[macmars45]

I'm so incredibly sorry you went through all of that. You are so brave as are the other posters who shared their experiences in this thread.

I will continue to fight for gun control laws.

[winecat]

I'm so sorry that you were abused and that the system failed you on so many levels. I'm glad you are safe now. Big hugs and thank you for sharing your story.

[jeaniebueller]

I am sorry you experienced that. Hugs.

It’s also so frustrating because the feds do not enforce the prohibition against people who are convicted of DV owning guns. It’s appalling.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I also didn't want to read and not respond. I'm so, so sorry.