Dear Prudie: roomie's parents offer money to be her friend

[jeaniebueller]

slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/dear-prudence-help-should-i-be-a-rent-a-friend.html



Q. No strings: I am a struggling college student up to my ears in loans and am estranged from my family. (I am gay and an atheist; they are deeply Catholic.) I have roomed with “Natalie” since freshman year. Natalie has many mental issues. She is school-brilliant, but socially not so much. I spent a lot of my first two years with her, pulling her out of the dorm and into socializing. She has a private therapist and is doing much better, but she still relies on me for a lot. She will not go out if I am not there, and has refused invitations to events if I am not invited. I was thinking of dropping out of school to work when Natalie’s parents approached me. They told me I was the best thing to happen to their daughter, and they were willing to fund my education if I stayed and “continued to be her friend.” They also don’t want Natalie to know.




I am very, very tempted to take the money. Natalie comes from serious, old-world money—like yearly vacations to the family home in the Alps kind of money. I also know it will kill Natalie to think her parents bought a friend for her. What should I do?

[tres3]

do it honey.

[mbcdefg]

Mar 20, 2018 9:18:29 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I also know it will kill Natalie to think her parents bought a friend for her. What should I do?

But it seems like OP would continue being Natalie's friend if she could afford to stay in school, correct? OP never says she wants to end the friendship or indicates that she doesn't like/is tired of Natalie.

It's a generous offer from Natalie's family, but there are so many ways that this could backfire spectacularly. I don't think I would take the offer unless I was desperate - especially if staying in school meant the difference between having a place to live or not.

[captainobvious]

This has Lifetime movie written all over it.

[pixy0stix]

I'd take the money. They're not financing someone to be their daughter's friend. They're helping a friend of their daughter.

[tealblue]

Mar 20, 2018 9:35:00 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I'd take the money. They're not financing someone to be their daughter's friend. They're helping a friend of their daughter.

I agree with this. She’s already been Natalie’s friend for “free” for 2 years. They aren’t paying her to hang out with Natalie, they are helping her continue in school, which benefits the writer and also Natalie, who won’t have her friend drop out of school.

[ESF]

I read a novel once that had a similar-ish plot. It was a crappy but entertaining beach read. I think it was called Bittersweet.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I'd take the money. Agreed that it's not paying her to be their daughter's friend since it seems pretty clear LW isn't trying to stop being her friend.

[imobviouslystaying]

I'd take the money and I'd usr some of it for my own therapist

[mouse]

I think the only ethical way to take it would be if Natalie knows. And it doesn't have to be presented as "your parents are buying you a friend" it could be "I'd be your friend anyway, and your parents have offered to fund my education so that we can stay close." And if that isn't true enough, she needs to walk away.

[notreal]

I would almost guess the letter writer misunderstood the whole situation. The parents probably heard the lw was struggling, offered to help and said they wanted nothing in return but for the LW to continue being Natalie's friend.

[bimbi284]

I would take it but only if I could talk to Natalie about it first, because her finding out later is what will make this go all wrong for dumb reasons.

If they really are friends, then the writer may have already discussed her plans for dropping out with Natalie. AND if they are friends, it’s not unlikely that Natalie’s parents care about her as a close friend of her daughter and if they have the means to help her out and are offering, there’s nothing wrong with that.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense about this is the not telling Natalie part.

[isabel]

Prudie says that it seems like the LW is trying to get out of Natalie's life. Why does she think that? I didn't get that at all.

I think the writer should get the parents to put it out in the open under the guise of wanting to help out a friend of their daughter. There's no reason for Natalie not to know that they are helping to fund this girl's education. It can be implied between the two parties that she continue to be friends with Natalie, but it didn't seem to me like she planned to drop that anyway.

[imojoebunny]

Poor Natalie. I can't imagine how heartbroken she would be, if she found out her parents had so little confidence in her that they were willing to pay someone to be her friend. I do not see this working out for so many reasons.

[onomatopoeia]

Mar 20, 2018 9:57:44 GMT -5 bimbi284 said:

I would take it but only if I could talk to Natalie about it first, because her finding out later is what will make this go all wrong for dumb reasons.

If they really are friends, then the writer may have already discussed her plans for dropping out with Natalie. AND if they are friends, it’s not unlikely that Natalie’s parents care about her as a close friend of her daughter and if they have the means to help her out and are offering, there’s nothing wrong with that.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense about this is the not telling Natalie part.

I agree, especially with the bolded. This could work out great as "rich parents helping out a friend of their daughter", but could really backfire in a way that was hurtful to all involved and devastating to Natalie.

I'd also be worried about what exactly being a "friend" means to the parents.  How many strings are attached to this?  A certain number of social gatherings per week?  Do all the dirty dishes?  Don't call her out on annoying behavior?  Help her with her homework?  

[jinkies]

This is an incredibly generous gift from the parents of friend. They can afford it, and it sounds like they are giving the money freely.

I would like to have it out in the open, I think. But I would totally take the money, especially if the alternative is dropping out of school or crippling student loans.

[wawa]

Mar 20, 2018 9:55:29 GMT -5 mouse said:

I think the only ethical way to take it would be if Natalie knows. And it doesn't have to be presented as "your parents are buying you a friend" it could be "I'd be your friend anyway, and your parents have offered to fund my education so that we can stay close." And if that isn't true enough, she needs to walk away.

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

[WOT?*]

I melted a little wawa . Sounds like you have an awesome mom (and friend.)

But yeah, I'd run it through friend, not keep it a secret from her. Keeping it from her is manipulative and not very "friend"-like.

[4speedy]

Mar 20, 2018 9:35:00 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I'd take the money. They're not financing someone to be their daughter's friend. They're helping a friend of their daughter.

This is where I’m at.  They should tell their daughter, “So and so has been such a good friend to you and we think of her like family.  We would love to help your dear friend out so that she doesn’t have to drop out.  How about if you make the offer to her on behalf of our family?”

Then there is no lying or deceit that could backfire.

[rjamz]

Mar 20, 2018 10:13:15 GMT -5 wawa said:

Mar 20, 2018 9:55:29 GMT -5 mouse said:

I think the only ethical way to take it would be if Natalie knows. And it doesn't have to be presented as "your parents are buying you a friend" it could be "I'd be your friend anyway, and your parents have offered to fund my education so that we can stay close." And if that isn't true enough, she needs to walk away.

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

Your mom is awesome

[litebright]

As the mother of a high-functioning daughter on the autism spectrum (which it sounds like Natalie may be), this one just hurts my heart. And to imojoebunny, being realistic about your adult child's social skills limitations does NOT mean that a parent doesn't "have confidence" in their child.

To be blunt, even a family with money to burn CAN'T buy what the kind of friendship and emotional support that letter writer has given their daughter over the past two years for free. You can buy therapy, you can buy companionship and supervision, but you can't buy friendship. To someone with mental illness and social skills deficits, no matter the diagnosis, that kind of friendship is heaven-sent for both them and their family. So I can easily see where the parents would want to do everything they could to support that relationship, up to and including financial support since they obviously have the money to spare.

I agree that there should be honesty with Natalie, but I also wonder if Natalie herself may start seeing the friend as an "employee" if she knows her parents are paying the friend's bill and may be more demanding because *she*, rather than her parents, would see it as more of a transaction, and her parents are trying to avoid the friend becoming even more of a crutch than it sounds like she already is to Natalie. But it still seems like honesty and being up-front would still be the way to do this, if you're going to.

[wawa]

Mar 20, 2018 10:33:11 GMT -5 rjamz said:

Mar 20, 2018 10:13:15 GMT -5 wawa said:

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

Your mom is awesome

She totally is.  But she'd probably be all uncomfortable and be like, "it was just as much help to me as it was to her!"  Mama enjoyed having a roomie when my friend moved in after her divorce.  And when she lived there during college she helped mama pack up my childhood crap.  I still have boxes of random mementos with her handwriting on them. 

[meshaliuknits]

Mar 20, 2018 10:13:15 GMT -5 wawa said:

Mar 20, 2018 9:55:29 GMT -5 mouse said:

I think the only ethical way to take it would be if Natalie knows. And it doesn't have to be presented as "your parents are buying you a friend" it could be "I'd be your friend anyway, and your parents have offered to fund my education so that we can stay close." And if that isn't true enough, she needs to walk away.

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

My sister has a friend whose family was like that. Growing up they made her an Easter basket, invited her over for dinner a lot, taught her to drive. They made up for a lot of the shortfalls of growing up with a father who was meh on his kids. They would have helped with school had she needed it. She's so much family that when the mom got a tattoo with her kids names on it my sister's was included.

[imobviouslystaying]

Mar 20, 2018 10:50:43 GMT -5 litebright said:

As the mother of a high-functioning daughter on the autism spectrum (which it sounds like Natalie may be), this one just hurts my heart. And to imojoebunny, being realistic about your adult child's social skills limitations does NOT mean that a parent doesn't "have confidence" in their child.

To be blunt, even a family with money to burn CAN'T buy what the kind of friendship and emotional support that letter writer has given their daughter over the past two years for free. You can buy therapy, you can buy companionship and supervision, but you can't buy friendship. To someone with mental illness and social skills deficits, no matter the diagnosis, that kind of friendship is heaven-sent for both them and their family. So I can easily see where the parents would want to do everything they could to support that relationship, up to and including financial support since they obviously have the money to spare.

I agree that there should be honesty with Natalie, but I also wonder if Natalie herself may start seeing the friend as an "employee" if she knows her parents are paying the friend's bill and may be more demanding because *she*, rather than her parents, would see it as more of a transaction, and her parents are trying to avoid the friend becoming even more of a crutch than it sounds like she already is to Natalie. But it still seems like honesty and being up-front would still be the way to do this, if you're going to.

I'd bet money that's part of why het parents don't want Natalie to know.

I'm not sure I'd press to make it known. Putting it out there even ahead of time could be just as damaging as finding out about it later.

The roommate needs to ask the parents how Natalie' s therapist feels about this move. This is also why tyke roommate needs a therapist of her own.

[downtoearth]

I feel bad for Natalie that her parents can't be open with her. I also feel bad for Natalie that her "friend" doesn't say she's "been friends" with Natalie since freshman year, but instead just roommates. I think it's a bad idea to take the money without talking directly with Natalie - it would come out at some point in her life and she should know.

[yentl]

I could totally see this being a win/win for everyone, but they can't have all this secrecy. The idea of bringing it into the open as parents helping her stay in school makes sense and it's very telling that the parents didn't think to frame it that way from the get go.

I'm beginning to understand a bit why Natalie has some issues.

[msmerymac]

I'm sure Natalie's parents know more about her emotional state and whether or not telling her is a good idea for myriad reasons than the LW.

Also, in this case, I'd rather have a fully paid college education than take the moral high ground.

[amberlyrose]

Mar 20, 2018 11:02:55 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Mar 20, 2018 10:13:15 GMT -5 wawa said:

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

My sister has a friend whose family was like that. Growing up they made her an Easter basket, invited her over for dinner a lot, taught her to drive. They made up for a lot of the shortfalls of growing up with a father who was meh on his kids. They would have helped with school had she needed it. She's so much family that when the mom got a tattoo with her kids names on it my sister's was included.

This is me with my "brother"- he was my brother's best friend, but was always treated as a sibling. My real brother was socially awkward and a rule follower, "adopted bro" was a cool kid but got in trouble a lot. They fought like brothers and did everything together. If my parents had the money to help him out, I don't think anyone would've considered it as paying for a friend. Just because a relationship like this develops as an adult rather than as kids, doesn't mean it is different. 

I think the writer may benefit just as much from this friendship beyond school costs. It sounds like she is missing a support/familial system and Natalie has a family that seems to really care for her. Just like our situation, my brother had someone to guide him through awkward teen stages and social circles, but his friend received a stable family relationship he could rely on. Plus, who doesn't want to be invited to family vacations in the Alps? 

[iammalcolmx]

Mar 20, 2018 10:13:15 GMT -5 wawa said:

Mar 20, 2018 9:55:29 GMT -5 mouse said:

I think the only ethical way to take it would be if Natalie knows. And it doesn't have to be presented as "your parents are buying you a friend" it could be "I'd be your friend anyway, and your parents have offered to fund my education so that we can stay close." And if that isn't true enough, she needs to walk away.

I agree with this.  Be honest with yourself - are you this girl's friend or not?  If you are, then I see no problem as long as Natalie is in the loop in the manner described above. 

My mama and I had a running joke that she was buying me friends because I had a very close friend in high school that my mama adopted a little.  Gave her an old car.  She moved in to my room when I moved out for college (she was going to a local school) so she could get out of her parents house.  Lived with my mama again for a bit when she got divorced and was deciding what to do next.  She's stayed close with my whole family - sees my mom more often than me since they live in the same city.  

Mama was not ACTUALLY BUYING ME A FRIEND.  She was my friend no matter what.  But she was my friend with a less life and financial stress because my mama reached out to her.  

Your Mom is awesome. 

Did she also teach your friend how to throw people across the club if need be?   ::runs:::

[lissaholly]

Nope. The writer doesn’t call Natalie her friend, she doesn’t say “ I would be her friend anyways” and she only details what she has done for Natalie. She wants the money but she doesn’t want Natalie to know her parents bought her a friend. Clearly, she is calling a spade a spade, she isn’t even lying to herself about “ framing it up right.”

I also think that in two (4) years, when she gets her education she isn’t allowed to walk scot-free. I think that old world money people can be nasty. It could all work out well- but it could not and that stress could be more damning than financial stress.