Etiquette WWYD?

[mrs.jacinthe]

This is a weird one, and I already may be in serious etiquette breach, but I don't even know.

Back in December, my 19 y/o "niece" (actually my cousin's daughter, but I'm an only, and so I treat her like my niece) got married.  I'll be honest, there's a shitTON of backstory here, and I don't have all of it, so I'm trying to just stick to what I am sure of.  Her S/O is military, stationed across the country.  She is still living in her apartment, presumably trying to wrap up loose ends and, I presume, waiting for married housing to open up on base before she moves across the country with him.  So they are not living together at present.

As far as I can tell, this was a spur of the moment, JOP wedding.  No announcement, just a quick "we're married" post on FB and that's been pretty much it.  I haven't gotten anything formal (or informal) in the mail, or via email.  Or a phone call.  Or even a FB message, just incidentally saw the post as I was scrolling.  I did acknowledge the post with a "Congrats!" so I know she knows I saw it.  

I have not sent a gift of any kind.  Should I?  If so, what amount/type of gift?  And where do I send it?  Her apartment on the east coast?  Wait until they've moved in together here on the west coast?  Wait until I get a formal announcement or something more formal than a FB post?  

What would you do?

(If ever there was a post that makes me feel 90-million years old, it is this one.)

[lookingup]

I don't think any rules of etiquette apply here; just do what you feel like doing. Gift giving does not have to be so hard.

[notoriousmeg]

I don’t think you are in serious breach territory at all. If she is moving soon I would probably send a card to her current home and follow up with a small gift once she is settled with her SO.

[juliachild]

This is probably not even on her radar. It is nice of you to send a gift. I would wait until she moves.

[HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan]

Your cousin didn't even contact you? Are you sure they like you?
There is definitely no etiquette going on here. Do what you feel like doing.

[readyin07]

Are you in touch with your cousin? I would not expect a formal announcement. I would ask your cousin “I would like to send niece a wedding gift with my congratulations. Is there anything specific she needs or would she prefer cash or a a gift card? Where should I send it to make sure she receives it” easy!

[sofamonkey]

I would suggest calling her to chat. See how things are going, offer congratulations, and ask if they will be having a reception. If they have a reception, I’d bring or mail a gift for that. Otherwise, I’d mail something after you verbally congratulate them.

[mrs.jacinthe]

Apr 28, 2018 13:33:14 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

Your cousin didn't even contact you? Are you sure they like you?
There is definitely no etiquette going on here. Do what you feel like doing.

LOL!  Yes, they like me.  My mom, however, is another story.

Also, said cousin's mom and dad both have some SERIOUS health problems going on right now.  Like, MAJOR.  I'm guessing this is not even on their radar.  I'm just a chronic overthinker, doing what I do best, I'm sure.

[knx9211]

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

[mrs.jacinthe]

Apr 28, 2018 13:48:32 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

This is totally what I was stressing about when I wrote this post.  Argh.  

[TR]

Apr 28, 2018 13:56:07 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

Apr 28, 2018 13:48:32 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

This is totally what I was stressing about when I wrote this post.  Argh.  

But who cares? Let them be mad. They made their choice.

[pantsparty]

Apr 28, 2018 13:48:32 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

How did you find out they were mad?

[icedcoffee]

I had a (kind of) similar situation with my cousin. I saw pics on FB and mailed them a check. There's a lot of backstory, but i decided to send a gift. They cashed it and mailed me a thank you card. I don't think there's a wrong answer here. Mail her a gift if you want to.

[dexteroni]

Apr 28, 2018 14:14:35 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

I don't think there's a wrong answer here. Mail her a gift if you want to.

I agree; there's no must here. If you want to wish them well with a gift and/or card, go right ahead. If you don't want to but are asking if you have to...no, you don't.

If you do want to send something, I would do it now rather than waiting for her to move. If the family isn't communicating well, I wouldn't want to have to be all "Did she move yet? How about now? What's her new address?" etc. Stick a check in a card now and be done with it. 

[Leeham Rimes]

If you’re close to them, happy for them, and want to wish them well, send a gift as your budget allows.

Wedding presents don’t have to be treated as admission to the event.

[cabbagecabbage]

If she is a niece to you, then I think a gift is appropriate and will be appreciated. At that age, money is always needed but buying something special might be even more special. At that age they’re setting up a home so they’ll need just about everything. They probably aren’t getting many gifts either. Whatever you can afford is always fine.

The common etiquette rule is that you have a year after a wedding to give a gift. So you’re fine by the books too.

[ECB]

Apr 28, 2018 15:06:55 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

If she is a niece to you, then I think a gift is appropriate and will be appreciated. At that age, money is always needed but buying something special might be even more special. At that age they’re setting up a home so they’ll need just about everything. They probably aren’t getting many gifts either. Whatever you can afford is always fine.

The common etiquette rule is that you have a year after a wedding to give a gift. So you’re fine by the books too.

but usually a wedding you’re actually invited to. As she wasn’t invited, there is no “rule”.

And OP - seriously, you can’t base this on them being mad! They made their choice. They have no right to expect anything from anyone.

[isabel]

I'd send a card and check. Done and done. No need to overthink it, money is always nice, and she can use it for whatever they need.

[knx9211]

Apr 28, 2018 14:14:20 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Apr 28, 2018 13:48:32 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

How did you find out they were mad?

They expressed to another member of the family that they were upset no one sent them something. They’re having a party here to celebrate this summer,I assumed that was the appropriate time to give a gift!

[circa1978]

I would also send a card and check in this situation.

[JayhawkGirl]

If her parents are in poor health, that may be driving the wedding and moving decisions. Spoil her a bit.

[sacattack]

So DH and I got married, spur of the moment. His mom was sick and it was important to him that she "be" at the wedding. So we decided to do it on Sunday and did it on Tuesday. We didn't really tell anyone and announced it on Facebook. This was a 2nd wedding for both of us and after much debate decided not to do anything beyond that. A few friends/family sent a gift (gift card to restaurant or a kitchen ware). We never expected anything but it was really nice to have some acknowledgement.

So call her, congratulate her and then send a gift after you get a better sense of the situation.

[MixedBerryJam]

Apr 28, 2018 13:56:07 GMT -5 mrs.jacinthe said:

Apr 28, 2018 13:48:32 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

Anecdote: My cousin and his now wife had a Wednesday JOP wedding that we all found out about on Facebook. Then they got pissed no one sent them gifts. What?

This is totally what I was stressing about when I wrote this post.  Argh.  

Not quite the same ... But I eloped, and while I wasnt pissed that practically no one gave me a wedding gift, I was genuinely hurt that some siblings (in particular) did not. We're still very close and it didn't harm or relationship or anything, but it did make me extra-aware to send a gift to elopers. The gifts I got mean the world to me and recipients often have an experience similar to mine, I vote send something, even if it's something small, because they'll really appreciate it. I don't think you need to rush though. It might even make more sense to wait until after she relocates

[sushi]

It's not uncommon at all for military couples to jop last minute. We were engaged and had a wedding planned when h's command came to him and said to get married asap because they thought he'd get orders overseas where I couldn'tgo unless married, and we'd have to miss the wedding. 5 days later we were at a courthouse. In the end we did make it to our (purposefully small because we knew the possibility of cancel) wedding.

No expectation of gifts ever both personally and etiquette. My parents even told me not to send invites to mom's family for fear it would be seen as gift grab. That probably pissed them off, even though we knew they wouldn't come.

There's no right or wrong on whether you give a gift, but don't hold jop against. Give or not as if it were traditional. There are myriad reasons mil couples jop quickly.

[wildrice]

I think you should send something. I don't think it's too late. Sure, it would have been better to send something earlier, but it's too late for that and not a big deal anyway.

If they do have a reception or something later, you don't have to bring another gift if you've already sent something.

I got married last year via elopement. My parents didn't send out an announcement because it had basically traveled by word of mouth ahead of time (it was planned) and then there was an announcement on FB. We did not have a reception. Sending out a formal announcement felt like a gift grab, so we didn't do that.

Most of my extended family didn't do anything other than write "congrats" on FB. I am not mad, but I am honestly a little hurt. It's probably my own fault for doing things this way, but I would have expected people to be more interested in the fact that I got married. I can't imagine something big happening to my niece or nephew and not even sending a card.

So - I think you should send something.

[jennistarr1]

I would call cousin or niece, offer congrats and ask what would be a good gift maybe offering a few suggestions like towels, dishes, money for furniture

[mrs.jacinthe]

Apr 28, 2018 19:22:54 GMT -5 sushi said:

It's not uncommon at all for military couples to jop last minute. We were engaged and had a wedding planned when h's command came to him and said to get married asap because they thought he'd get orders overseas where I couldn'tgo unless married, and we'd have to miss the wedding. 5 days later we were at a courthouse. In the end we did make it to our (purposefully small because we knew the possibility of cancel) wedding.

No expectation of gifts ever both personally and etiquette. My parents even told me not to send invites to mom's family for fear it would be seen as gift grab. That probably pissed them off, even though we knew they wouldn't come.

There's no right or wrong on whether you give a gift, but don't hold jop against. Give or not as if it were traditional. There are myriad reasons mil couples jop quickly.

Oh, I definitely don't hold the jop, or the speed, against them. I actually made sure to mention the military thing for context in that regard. I've actually never met the so, he didn't come to my dad's funeral at Mom's request (again, backstory) but overall, I have no issue with the whole thing altogether. I just wasn't sure what/how/if to give.