Online dating ::sigh::

[achase123]

I have only done this for short spurts of time in the past so I need some advice here. One of my biggest complaints about online dating is putting energy into emailing or texting someone only to meet them and there's no spark whatsoever. My friend termed it as "it's almost like you have a BF you've never met before". She's right, in a way.

This guy emailed me on Sunday night after I reactivated my account. He seems really nice and a co-worker used to work in the brokerage industry with him so she confirmed he's a nice guy, divorced, two kids, etc. He seems really interested and I gave him my number (because my co-worker knew him and said he was normal) and we were texting last night.

So my question is, at what point in time is it appropriate to meet up? And should I go ahead and be the one to suggest it?

I would normally let the man be the first to suggest meeting up or making the first move, but the reality is that I would like to meet up sooner rather than later to try to prevent this. And to also keep me from getting turned off if someone seems too eager, too soon, when in reality maybe that's just the "culture" of online dating?

[blackkitty]

I would like to give you advice but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to listen to me.

[bullygirl979]

Sept 18, 2012 10:47:12 GMT -5 achase123 said:

So my question is, at what point in time is it appropriate to meet up? And should I go ahead and be the one to suggest it?

I really don't have any issues with ME being the one to suggest getting together. I don't adhere to that rule that the guy needs to be the one suggesting it. I think it is way too old school.

As for how long, I usually exchange 2-3 emails before meeting up. I can usually tell if they are fairly normal and intelligent in that time frame. But, like you, I really don't want to waste time if there isn't a spark.

[Deleted]

So I recently set up an account just because I'm bored. This time I'm refusing to get caught up in the email/text/phone before we meet cycle. One email exchange back and forth and if I'm interested this is what I'm saying. "Hey I'm not much for the online communication and prefer to get to know people in real life. Let me know if you'd like to meet for a coffee or for a drink."

I really think online dating should be a tool to meet someone not to get to know them. I totally understand about wanting the guy to make the first move, but I'm throwing it out there and letting them do the official asking if they are interested.

[starburst604]

I think if he seems slow to suggest it, you could go ahead and suggest a meeting. I found that usually within a day or two of connecting the guy would suggest it once there was a little back and forth banter that seemed promising. I don't blame you for not wanting to waste time, it was a big letdown to communicate for weeks only to find there was zero spark.

I will say that I think *sometimes* communicating a bit first can be helpful. Only because I think T and I texted and talked on the phone for like 10 days before we met, because he was OOT, otherwise I think we would have met sooner. While I don't think we hit if off just because we got to know each other a bit first, I do think it made our first date less awkward and more chummy because we already knew a lot about each other. I have been let down many a time before by someone I thought I would like, but I will say that I was almost positive that I would like him and he would like me before we met. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Good luck!

[Bernadine]

Not long at all. I figure it's safe to meet right away, as long as I'm taking the right precautions (ie, not going to his house for the first date, not telling him where I live, etc.).

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 10:53:54 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I think if he seems slow to suggest it, you could go ahead and suggest a meeting. I found that usually within a day or two of connecting the guy would suggest it once there was a little back and forth banter that seemed promising. I don't blame you for not wanting to waste time, it was a big letdown to communicate for weeks only to find there was zero spark.

I will say that I think *sometimes* communicating a bit first can be helpful. Only because I think T and I texted and talked on the phone for like 10 days before we met, because he was OOT, otherwise I think we would have met sooner. While I don't think we hit if off just because we got to know each other a bit first, I do think it made our first date less awkward and more chummy because we already knew a lot about each other. I have been let down many a time before by someone I thought I would like, but I will say that I was almost positive that I would like him and he would like me before we met. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Good luck!

Thanks! Yah, I have no problem suggesting meeting up and I think it's a great line to say "hey, I'm not much for back and forth communication. If you want to meet for coffee or a glass of wine let me know!" I think that's a good way of doing it because then you find out if they're on the same page.

I guess that's what I was saying is that I think it should be a tool for meeting someone, not for getting to know them. If it's the other way around it generally seems like a waste of time.

I already know enough about this guy to say he seems normal and I'd be interested in meeting him. I think next time we talk I'll mention this.

[formerlyak]

Does he know you have this co-worker/friend in common? If so, I think you are fine at this point asking him to meet up for lunch or something and if he ever comments that it happened fast you can just say, "Well, usually I wait longer, but x confirmed you weren't a psycho."

Fi and I emailed back and forth a few times on eharmony, but arranged our first date the first time we spoke on the phone.

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:04:06 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Does he know you have this co-worker/friend in common? If so, I think you are fine at this point asking him to meet up for lunch or something and if he ever comments that it happened fast you can just say, "Well, usually I wait longer, but x confirmed you weren't a psycho."

Fi and I emailed back and forth a few times on eharmony, but arranged our first date the first time we spoke on the phone.

Yah, he was the one who brought it up because it is a small area and I mentioned I worked for an investment firm. He knew that my coworker (actually the president, now) worked here so he put two and two together. He told me to ask her about him.

[dakotadangerdog]

I always suggest meeting up as soon as I decide I want to meet them. "Hey you seem cool, let's grab coffee this Saturday"

I see no point in emailing for two weeks just to realize they are lame in person. The only guy I dated long term from a dating site I barely even talked to him before we met.

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:13:44 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

I always suggest meeting up as soon as I decide I want to meet them. "Hey you seem cool, let's grab coffee this Saturday"

I see no point in emailing for two weeks just to realize they are lame in person. The only guy I dated long term from a dating site I barely even talked to him before we met.

This is why I kind of dread the whole thing. It's like this weird sense of "something" that you create and the longer you go back and forth the more intense it gets. Then you meet up and it's like "poooof" wind gone from the sails. It's just....awkward.

[dakotadangerdog]

Oh yeah. I met this guy online, thought he was GREAT. Like, amazing. we talked for like 2 weeks, maybe three. Then... we met. DREAMS ARE SHATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:21:29 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Sept 18, 2012 10:52:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

So I recently set up an account just because I'm bored. This time I'm refusing to get caught up in the email/text/phone before we meet cycle. One email exchange back and forth and if I'm interested this is what I'm saying. "Hey I'm not much for the online communication and prefer to get to know people in real life. Let me know if you'd like to meet for a coffee or for a drink."

I really think online dating should be a tool to meet someone not to get to know them. I totally understand about wanting the guy to make the first move, but I'm throwing it out there and letting them do the official asking if they are interested.

Absolutely this. I had someone say to me in about a 5th email, "I'm not looking for a pen pal." Made perfect sense to me.

Exactly!!! That's why I'm always so cautious on here when people say they're SOOOOO excited to meet with a date they met online. I just feel like generally it's not going to be as great as you make it out to be, especially if you've had time to develop expectations and build it up in your mind, kwim? I think the longer you draw it out, the worse it is because no one can live up to what you've (subconsciously) created in your mind.

I like the term "I don't want an online pen pal".

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 18, 2012 11:21:29 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Sept 18, 2012 10:52:18 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

So I recently set up an account just because I'm bored. This time I'm refusing to get caught up in the email/text/phone before we meet cycle. One email exchange back and forth and if I'm interested this is what I'm saying. "Hey I'm not much for the online communication and prefer to get to know people in real life. Let me know if you'd like to meet for a coffee or for a drink."

I really think online dating should be a tool to meet someone not to get to know them. I totally understand about wanting the guy to make the first move, but I'm throwing it out there and letting them do the official asking if they are interested.

Absolutely this. I had someone say to me in about a 5th email, "I'm not looking for a pen pal." Made perfect sense to me.

Exactly, cuz some people on there are scared to actually meet and WILL just talk to you forever, then when you ask to meet they bail. Such a fucking waste of time.


i am SO GLAD I am done with online dating. Even if shit ends with CFG I won't go back for a long time, I've got too much other shit goin on!

[blackkitty]

Sept 18, 2012 11:24:01 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:21:29 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Absolutely this. I had someone say to me in about a 5th email, "I'm not looking for a pen pal." Made perfect sense to me.

Exactly!!! That's why I'm always so cautious on here when people say they're SOOOOO excited to meet with a date they met online.

:Y:

I am always leery of a guy that seems too excited to meet me too. I had a guy once ask me if I would be willing to move if we got married. And we hadn't even met yet.

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:25:45 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:21:29 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Absolutely this. I had someone say to me in about a 5th email, "I'm not looking for a pen pal." Made perfect sense to me.

Exactly, cuz some people on there are scared to actually meet and WILL just talk to you forever, then when you ask to meet they bail. Such a fucking waste of time.


i am SO GLAD I am done with online dating. Even if shit ends with CFG I won't go back for a long time, I've got too much other shit goin on!

Yah, I really go back and forth about it. I'm trying to not get too discouraged and just look at it as one more way of meeting people. But it does feel exhausting sometimes.

I just texted him and suggested meeting for coffee or lunch. He said he was thinking the same thing but didn't want to be "that guy". So we're doing lunch on Friday because he's out of town for business until then (otherwise he said he would've done it sooner).

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:26:36 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:24:01 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Exactly!!! That's why I'm always so cautious on here when people say they're SOOOOO excited to meet with a date they met online.

I am always leery of a guy that seems too excited to meet me too. I had a guy once ask me if I would be willing to move if we got married. And we hadn't even met yet.

OMG!!!! I had a guy who seemed like he just wanted to be a "pen pal". He was out of town and just kept texting. I told him I was running a half marathon and he asked if I would mind if his son and him came to cheer me on. I was like what.the.fuck? We never did meet, I got too creeped out after a 6:30am text on a Saturday morning asking if I'd had a good night. Huh???

[formerlyak]

Sept 18, 2012 11:09:15 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:04:06 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Does he know you have this co-worker/friend in common? If so, I think you are fine at this point asking him to meet up for lunch or something and if he ever comments that it happened fast you can just say, "Well, usually I wait longer, but x confirmed you weren't a psycho."

Fi and I emailed back and forth a few times on eharmony, but arranged our first date the first time we spoke on the phone.

Yah, he was the one who brought it up because it is a small area and I mentioned I worked for an investment firm. He knew that my coworker (actually the president, now) worked here so he put two and two together. He told me to ask her about him.

Well, then ... in a flirty way ... next time you talk I'd say, "Well I asked x about you like you suggested ... she confirmed my instinct that you seem like a nice guy. So I was wondering if you want to meet up for lunch instead of all this back and forth on the phone/text/whatever."

[achase123]

Sept 18, 2012 11:45:01 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Sept 18, 2012 11:09:15 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Yah, he was the one who brought it up because it is a small area and I mentioned I worked for an investment firm. He knew that my coworker (actually the president, now) worked here so he put two and two together. He told me to ask her about him.

Well, then ... in a flirty way ... next time you talk I'd say, "Well I asked x about you like you suggested ... she confirmed my instinct that you seem like a nice guy. So I was wondering if you want to meet up for lunch instead of all this back and forth on the phone/text/whatever."

Already way ahead of you

I suggested meeting up and we're meeting for lunch on Friday (would've done sooner but he's OOT for work).

[aerochyck]

Sept 18, 2012 11:21:24 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Oh yeah. I met this guy online, thought he was GREAT. Like, amazing. we talked for like 2 weeks, maybe three. Then... we met. DREAMS ARE SHATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is exactly why I don't talk online forever. If they won't talk on the phone for 5 mins and arrange a quick coffee / drink then I don't waste my time.

[formerlyak]

Woot! Have a good lunch

[sparkles17]

Honestly, I never had time for the endless emails/chats/texts/phone calls and if he didn't, I always suggested meeting up sooner rather than later, that way I could decide if he was worth my time or not.

Of course, I say that, but SO and I chatted for nearly 2 weeks before our first date, it just worked out that both of our schedules were crazy, and here we are 10 mths later, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me