@ Do you think this is fair? *DH vent - long*

[picksthemusic]

So, way back when M was teeny, I did the majority of her care because I was BFing and supplementing and it was just easier, especially since DH was working and I was on mat. leave. When I went back to work, we figured out that it was just easier for me to get up first, get my showering/getting ready out of the way so I could get M up and get her ready for the day. So, essentially, I get up at 5:30am, and DH gets to laize around in bed till 6am. He's just as capable of taking care of M as I am, I just feel like he likes to sleep in that extra half hour and make me do all the baby work. His excuse before was that it takes me longer to get ready, but in actuality, it really doesn't.

So, I proposed to DH that he should get up at the early time a couple times a week and be the one to get M ready to give me a small break. He fought hard about it ("But you get Saturdays to sleep in!"), but I told him that he gets an extra half hour of sleep/relaxation time EVERY DAY, and I only get one day a week (I try to sleep in on Thursdays, but M gets up at the same time every morning, so I don't get to sleep in). Well, he finally conceded that we'd try it and see how it goes. So I poke him this morning for him to get up first, and he goes, "No, we'll switch it up tomorrow." I wanted to kick him in the balls.

I just think sometimes he doesn't realize how much I do with M in the mornings and he thinks it's all easy and I'll just get everything done and he just has to worry about himself. It's not easy, and now that she's so mobile, it's really hard to wrangle her and make sure her diaper bag has everything it needs for the day, and it just bugs me that he leaves it up to me because he thinks I know better. Same thing with her car seat. He hates putting her in her car seat, because I criticized him one time that he didn't make it tight enough (like unsafe loose, not just a little bit). I've been making him do it more often, though, because I'm tired of doing it all the time.

Part of me thinks he does this so he can blame me if something is missing from her bag, or something goes wrong so he can say, "I didn't do that, you were supposed to make sure she had everything she needed," and it bugs the heck out of me. He also does this if we're going anywhere with her (like out to a restaurant or something) and it's up to me to make sure she's taken care of.

I have to say that he is a great dad. He plays with her, he changes the occasional diaper (I change way more, though), he will feed her, and all that, but it just feels like a majority of the time that most of her care falls to me. He will do something for her if I ask him to, but I care for her more often than not.

[jennlin]

he's a boy. i would say this is typical..we come with maternal instincts, they don't...so yes, we are "better" at being a mom, but they are perfectly capable of learning...just takes time.

as for the switching it up, i think you should do maybe 1 week at a time....one week he wakes up early, next week week you do, etc. same with packing the diaper bag..one week it's your responsibility, one week it's his. that way it's easier to remember at the end of each night or early in the morning who's "turn" it is.

[kwpnjumper55]

Um, I would be pissed. He is a dad right? So he needs to step up and be one. It's not just about taking care of M, it's about bonding with her!

[picksthemusic]

Sept 18, 2012 12:00:59 GMT -5 jennlin said:

he's a boy. i would say this is typical..we come with maternal instincts, they don't...so yes, we are "better" at being a mom, but they are perfectly capable of learning...just takes time.

as for the switching it up, i think you should do maybe 1 week at a time....one week he wakes up early, next week week you do, etc. same with packing the diaper bag..one week it's your responsibility, one week it's his. that way it's easier to remember at the end of each night or early in the morning who's "turn" it is.

Yeah, but every time I try to "teach" him, he complains that "he knows that already". He knows how to do everything already - he just doesn't WANT to do it. Like, if I'm giving her a bath, he does help, and sometimes does it on his own. Which is great! But it's only a handful of times that he's bathed her by himself.

But I should suggest the weekly thing to him - I think that's a great idea!

[livinitup]

"I'll do it tomorrow"? Are you kidding me? So now, you have to get up early and take care of the baby OR get up early and get your DH to get-up and take care of the baby.

Who brings the baby to child care? What happens if the baby isn't ready to leave when you leave?

When DD was little, like you, I did all of the up& out in the morning b/c I BFed and then drove DD to child care. Our was a little out of my way and a lot out of DH's way - so logistically it made sense. Also, I left for work a full hour before DH got up.

But that got really hard, really fast. And, like you, I had to have a few conversations with DH to stop the insanity. Yes, he had to get-up a lot earlier to BE A FATHER TO OUR CHILD - but it was a "family" job, not doing me a favor. SO, the night before, we packed as much as possible and then in the morning I would get myself ready and he would get the baby ready - AND into the car.

I'm not saying it was an easy transition. It did take a good deal of cooperation and DH giving a shit at how hard it was for me. But beyond the kindness and understanding DH also knew that I was hitting a wall and if the baby wasn't ready and in the car when I needed to leave - I was leaving without her and HE would be left to do it. And that was NOT something he was willing to risk. Partly because of the unholy aggrevation it would give him and partly because of the shitstorm it would cause to be pushed to do that.

I think first and foremost you have to express that you WILL NOT wake your husband up to get the baby ready. If he doesn't do it - then its on him to d it later. You are a mother to your child, not your husband.

Second, this is not a daily negotiation. Each of you has to know who does what and when - and there is NO backing out at 6:30 AM. Becuase your brain doesn't function at 6:30 AM. Just be grown ups and DO what yousay you will DO.

Third, complain about nothing baby-related that won't kill the baby. And don't correct anything baby-related in front of him. My DD went to child care in mismatched outfits on occassion. I bit my tongue and let it happen. Inssit he LEARN carseat safety and stop avoiding it.

Its a tough road but you can get a handle on this. You need to for your own sanity.

[picksthemusic]

Sept 18, 2012 12:04:27 GMT -5 kwpnjumper55 said:

Um, I would be pissed. He is a dad right? So he needs to step up and be one. It's not just about taking care of M, it's about bonding with her!

It doesn't bother me most days - because honestly, I'm just faster and know what needs to be done and just get it done. I just think because I've taken over so much that he doesn't feel like I need help, maybe? I don't know.

But I do agree it's about bonding with her. But he's great at playing with her - she LOVES playing with Daddy and he's quick to drop whatever he's doing if she wants him to hold her or play with her or whatever. So it's not all bad.

[InBetweenDays]

Nope, not fair. But honestly, I think "maternal instinct" is an idea that men developed to let them off the hook . Sure early on the brunt of the responsibility will fall on the mother if you're nursing, but beyond that dad's are just as capable as mom's for child rearing.

Mom's aren't born knowing what to do any more than dad's are. But early on mom's are more forced to figure it out while dad's often step back to let the mom run things. And sometimes mom's won't let the dad do anything (because they'll do it "wrong").

I think trying to teach him what he needs to do sounds a bit condescending - unless, such as the case with the carseat straps, it is something that puts your daughter in danger. Tell him it's his turn for bath night (or ask him to give a bath while you clean up the dishes, etc.) but let him figure out what to do. If he asks of course tell him how you normally do it, but I wouldn't try to tell him how he should be doing it.

So the work most definitely shouldn't fall more on your shoulders, but unfortunately I think it will fall on you to ask him for help. If he balks just have an honest discussion about how you're feeling and how you can't do it all. Hopefully after awhile it will become more part of his routine and you won't have to ask for help as often.

[niq]

Yeah I would just keep pushing him to wake up and do stuff for M in the morning more often during the week. Maybe you can explain to him that none of it really requires that he be super awake/attentive? Can you let him take longer in the shower those mornings or something?

It's hard though ... W and I can barely keep things even when it comes to our cats, and it's not like they need BFing or diaper changing, lol.

[Deleted]

I would be pissed if my H acted like that too. There are certain things that he just sucks at (aka the car seat) I'm sorry.

[maddysmum]

Sept 18, 2012 12:38:04 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Nope, not fair. But honestly, I think "maternal instinct" is an idea that men developed to let them off the hook . Sure early on the brunt of the responsibility will fall on the mother if you're nursing, but beyond that dad's are just as capable as mom's for child rearing.

Mom's aren't born knowing what to do any more than dad's are. But early on mom's are more forced to figure it out while dad's often step back to let the mom run things. And sometimes mom's won't let the dad do anything (because they'll do it "wrong").

I think trying to teach him what he needs to do sounds a bit condescending - unless, such as the case with the carseat straps, it is something that puts your daughter in danger. Tell him it's his turn for bath night (or ask him to give a bath while you clean up the dishes, etc.) but let him figure out what to do. If he asks of course tell him how you normally do it, but I wouldn't try to tell him how he should be doing it.

So the work most definitely shouldn't fall more on your shoulders, but unfortunately I think it will fall on you to ask him for help. If he balks just have an honest discussion about how you're feeling and how you can't do it all. Hopefully after awhile it will become more part of his routine and you won't have to ask for help as often.

I agree.

The only parenting tool I have that my husband doesn't is boobs. Unfortunately, they did not come with SuperMum powers. ;D

We all learn as we go, and for us, it's always been 50/50. Actually, now that I'm at home with kids all day, the evenings are definitely way more my husband's domain. He does bedtimes and lots of bath time and general play time and all of that stuff so I can be "off" for a little bit.

I didn't get any instruction when they handed us that little person at the hospital, and it didn't "come naturally" to me any more than to anyone. I learned through trial and error. I'd let him do the same.

I'm of the firm belief that men can do anything women can! ;D

[picksthemusic]

Sept 18, 2012 12:38:04 GMT -5 InBetweenDays said:

Nope, not fair. But honestly, I think "maternal instinct" is an idea that men developed to let them off the hook . Sure early on the brunt of the responsibility will fall on the mother if you're nursing, but beyond that dad's are just as capable as mom's for child rearing.

Mom's aren't born knowing what to do any more than dad's are. But early on mom's are more forced to figure it out while dad's often step back to let the mom run things. And sometimes mom's won't let the dad do anything (because they'll do it "wrong").

I think trying to teach him what he needs to do sounds a bit condescending - unless, such as the case with the carseat straps, it is something that puts your daughter in danger. Tell him it's his turn for bath night (or ask him to give a bath while you clean up the dishes, etc.) but let him figure out what to do. If he asks of course tell him how you normally do it, but I wouldn't try to tell him how he should be doing it. So the work most definitely shouldn't fall more on your shoulders, but unfortunately I think it will fall on you to ask him for help. If he balks just have an honest discussion about how you're feeling and how you can't do it all. Hopefully after awhile it will become more part of his routine and you won't have to ask for help as often.

Right, I don't often tell him what to do or teach him unless he asks. But my main point was that it just feels like he skirts responsibility sometimes, and it's getting tiresome.

[picksthemusic]

Sept 18, 2012 13:14:34 GMT -5 @lauralynne said:

Teh bottom line is you feel like the burden isn't evenly distributed. I would start there. Can you both get up 15 minutes later and split the "out the door" duties? One of you packs the bag, makes the bottles, while the other one changes/feeds/dresses the little? Switch it up every now and then. It only seems fair. With 2 working parents the duties need to feel even for both parents. Hell - with only 1 working parent the duties need to feel even.
Sometimes it's just perception and that's a communication issue.

Thank you - you hit the nail on the head. I've been trying to communicate more, and I think it's working. I just think he needs to actually do something (action speaking louder than words and all) for me to really believe that he's willing to help out. I just hate to have to ask, KWIM?

[InBetweenDays]

He needs to buck up. Like I often tell my kids - fair does not mean equal. But right now you're feeling overwhelmed and he isn't pulling his weight. Unfortunately you may need to ask somewhat frequently until you guys sort of get into a groove of how to distribute the work. But he most definitely should be ready and willing to do his part.