Fear of dating someone who never married before.

[heavenly]

I seem to be attracting males who never been married before. I can't tell if this is a silly thing or not but I am afraid to fall into a relationship someone who does not have divorce experiences.

I've been married twice, both big and beautiful weddings (first time was first for both of us; second time was a first for him).

I can't help but think... I don't want another wedding so it is unfair to the guy... He may not understand why I behave the way I do now because divorce does hurt ... and so on.

Am I alone thinking this way?

[explorer2001]

I think its odd. Then again I divorced young and a lot of people my age either haven't married yet or are still on their first marriage.

What do you think a guy lacks because he hasn't been through divorce? Would he have potentially less baggage, drama, no crazy ex spouse, no fear of getting divorced burned again?

I'm not saying this is true or that divorced people necessarily have these issues. It just seems equally as unfair to rule a guy out because he hasn't been married as it would be to rule someone out because they had been and did the work needed to deal with whatever the issues were.

[doriswe]

I think you're overthinking things.

[Deleted]

I think all people have different experiences with divorce and relationships so I think it's silly to rule people out based on that fact alone.

My divorce was actually very easy emotionally and in fact I have a very hard time relating to other's experiences like MCC's. Until recently I actually really lacked empathy people who went through a break up at all and couldn't "get over it."

If you are acting in ways you think might be difficult to understand don't assume just because someone was divorced they will "get" it.

[wrathofkuus]

Hey, you don't have to justify what you want to someone else, even if you criteria are as petty as can be. Wanting someone who has experienced divorce is about a billion times less petty than wanting a guy who is over six feet tall, for example, and few ever question a woman on the height criterion.

[formerlyak]

I think you could be ruling out a great man without giving him a chance with criteria like this. It would be like a guy ruling you out because you have been divorced twice and he might assume you don't "get" marriage because you have already had two that didn't work out (I am not saying this is true for you, but one could assume that).

Some men spend their 20s and part of their 30s really focusing on career, buying a house, etc. and marriage is a "future thing" for them. They know they want to be married but want to be at a certain place in life first. I can respect that and appreciate that. I know that there are things that are much easier for fi and me because he took that time to build his career and buy a home (which in our area to have 20% down you are looking at near $175-$200K so that takes time to save). We are both comfortable in our careers and financially and that is something we don't have to struggle with the way I struggled with it in my first marriage.

Also, while someone who hasn't been married may not understand what getting a divorce is like, they can sometimes empathize. I am divorced with a kid. There are things my fi doesn't understand about being a parent and having to make a hard choice related to your kid. I've even said to him, "You just don't understand because you aren't a parent." and he replies, "But I love your ds very much and I want what is best for him. Tell me how I can help." Or when we were first dating or when we got engaged and I got nervous because of things I went through in my divorce ... he didn't understand because he hasn't been divorced, but he would just let me know he was there to support me and ask what he could do to help me.

On the flip side, fi has been through a few very traumatic non-relationship things that I haven't and could never understand and he has certain "baggage" because of those experiences. But just like when I get nervous about certain relationship things because of my past, when things come up relating to his "baggage" we work together.

You aren't going to go into a relationship with all similar past experiences. But it's how you support each other and work to understand the other person that matters.

[achase123]

Hmmmm, maybe I'm different but I feel like maybe the person just hasn't met the right one for them yet. I also feel like having a big wedding probably isn't that important to some people, it all depends on the person.

I wouldn't rule someone out because of that, but that's just me.

[formerlyak]

Sept 18, 2012 13:01:46 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Hmmmm, maybe I'm different but I feel like maybe the person just hasn't met the right one for them yet. I also feel like having a big wedding probably isn't that important to some people, it all depends on the person.

I wouldn't rule someone out because of that, but that's just me.

Correct on having a big wedding just not being important for some people. Especially as men get older, most just don't care. I dated several people before my fi none of whom had been divorced, and a few of them are now engaged and are on my facebook and none are planning big weddings. Fi has never been married and doesn't want a big wedding at all.

[chrissie3416]

I know what you mean although I dont feel the same. Im divorced and my BF has never been married or had children. However, I do think he is able to relate when things get dicey b/c of other experiences he has had. My XBF however, had been married, had a nasty divorce and was hell bent against marriage. So he couldnt relate even though we were both divorced. I think its all about finding someone who supports you and tries to understand and empathize with what your going through and dealing with...married or not.

[naeljun]

Didn't read responses but at my age (41) and those I would date in my age group, I would be leery of someone who was never married before.

[Deleted]

Sept 18, 2012 13:12:20 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Didn't read responses but at my age (41) and those I would date in my age group, I would be leery of someone who was never married before.

I'm always interested by this statement. Why is that? Clearly most of us are in this position because ultimately we still haven't found the right person. Should we fault those who are holding out for the right one or for not turning and LRT into a married when they realized it wasn't right?

[naeljun]

Sept 18, 2012 13:16:10 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 18, 2012 13:12:20 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Didn't read responses but at my age (41) and those I would date in my age group, I would be leery of someone who was never married before.

I'm always interested by this statement. Why is that? Clearly most of us are in this position because ultimately we still haven't found the right person. Should we fault those who are holding out for the right one or for not turning and LRT into a married when they realized it wasn't right?

Very valid point. I really have no concrete reason to believe this but my thought is they may have a fear of commitment or too attached to their mother. I like the way you think though. Maybe I will have to open my eyes - should I ever get asked out.

[heavenly]

Sept 18, 2012 12:48:07 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

What do you think a guy lacks because he hasn't been through divorce? Would he have potentially less baggage, drama, no crazy ex spouse, no fear of getting divorced burned again?

I'm not saying this is true or that divorced people necessarily have these issues. It just seems equally as unfair to rule a guy out because he hasn't been married as it would be to rule someone out because they had been and did the work needed to deal with whatever the issues were.

ETA - I rambled here... I just can't get the thoughts and feelings I have mentioned into words. It is hard to describe but maybe my post is forcing me to see a side of me that I never dealt with before so this is good for me to think about and sort out my thinking.

Like another poster say, I think empathy is really important to me. For me, I didn't have much empathy until my second divorce which was a totally different experience than my first divorce. Maybe rather than a divorce, having a loss and being able to understand that feeling will go a long ways for me.

I do still have some healing left to do since I am kind of the girl who waits for the other shoe to drop and I am trying so hard to change that defense mechanism. But this is not an easy process that I can overcome overnight. I do need a sensitive guy who doesn’t mind giving me the time that I need to open up again. For some reasons, I feel a never married guy would have higher expectations from me and less patience. On the other hand, it seems to me that guys who have been through divorce seems to go at a slower pace which is what I am more comfortable with. I guess I contributed that to the experiences of divorce but maybe I am wrong.

I know I don't have the same dreams I had before my divorce and I can't go back to it because things have been done to destroy that dream but I can move forward making something ugly into something beautiful in a whole different way. I feel like I would be unfair to a guy who still has that dream I used to have.

[Deleted]

Sept 18, 2012 13:24:13 GMT -5 heavenly said:

I do still have some healing left to do since I am kind of the girl who waits for the other shoe to drop and I am trying so hard to change that defense mechanism. But this is not an easy process that I can overcome overnight. I do need a sensitive guy who doesn’t mind giving me the time that I need to open up again. For some reasons, I feel a never married guy would have higher expectations from me and less patience. On the other hand, it seems to me that guys who have been through divorce seems to go at a slower pace which is what I am more comfortable with. I guess I contributed that to the experiences of divorce but maybe I am wrong.

I know I don't have the same dreams I had before my divorce and I can't go back to it because things have been done to destroy that dream but I can move forward making something ugly into something beautiful in a whole different way. I feel like I would be unfair to a guy who still has that dream I used to have.

It sounds like you still have a lot to work out from your divorce. You keep focusing on what you need from a guy, but I think what you really need is to spend some more time working on yourself before dating. This will help prevent bringing too much baggage into a new relationship.

Honestly it just sounds like you aren't ready to date yet and need more time to heal.

Once that is taken care of and you meet the right person a lot of these worries will go away. At the end of the day divorce or not, loss or not, everyone is different, so it doesn't make sense to adhere to these generalizations.

[blackkitty]

I think you are overthinking things as well.

[heavenly]

I probably am overthinking but it was stuck in my head. It felt good to get it out. Thanks for listening.

[messykitchen]

I didn't read every response but I find this really interesting. I am 37, and I have never been married. Why? I haven't found the right guy to spend 50 years of my life with. I would way rather be with a guy who knew he wasn't ready/she wasn't right for him than a guy with a few divorces and alimony checks under his belt. And ex wives are usually so fun to deal with, as well.

That said, my bf has been divorced twice. One ex is fine, one of them is insane. I guess everyone is different, but I would never rule out a guy for not jumping into a marriage. I like life as baggage free as possible.

If a potential date JUDGED me for never being married, I would laugh hysterically as I walked out the door.

[mandimija]

At my age, most of my peers have never been married, let alone divorced. Those my age that I do know who have had any kind of encounter/history of marriage are still on their first one.

Mijo has never been married. To clarify, Mijo has never had a serious relationship before I came along; he just never found someone that he wanted to pursue that with. And yet, we're a great fit because who we are as individuals matches so well.

I had some of the same questions/doubts that you're expressing. That said, I repeat to you what my therapist told me six months ago: you're overthinking it.

[Deleted]

My wonderful amazing husband was 45 when i married him. He had never been married before.
Glad i didnt ignore him.