Difficult Boss

[stellarose]

Ladies, I am at a loss.  I really am not sure what to do or where to turn at this point. 

I like overseas on an expat assignment.  My boss is American, but has been an expat for quite some time.  For two years I have dealt with him but I feel at the end of my rope.  It has appeared to me that he often tries to gaslight me, or just hold higher standards to me vs my male coworkers.  When we started the assignment, there were two direct reports, but that colleague since has changed his reporting structure to someone else.  We then brought another person in to fill that spot.  So far, my boss has pulled some of the same antics on him as he has on me, but the way the conversation is had is completely different. 

My boss will often appear very upset with me, gets red in the face and talks very defensively to me.  We are setting up a new venture with another company.  There are cultural hurdles, hurdles from two companies coming together, and overall two different mindsets.  I am dealing with a lot from many different angles.  For two years, he has never supported me in any situation.  Instead he repeatedly tells me it is my fault, that they expect more out of a senior level, and that I need to figure this out.  He's told me that people at our headquarters are losing their patience with me and that many of our problems are because I am too harsh. Now, there are many things I could ask you guys for advice on, but I am trying to stay focused on how to deal with him.  Essentially, when I ask anyone for real examples or constructive feedback I am met with a blank stare.

He has also told me that critiques at this level come by a two by four, that he won't hit me with it literally, but know it is in the corner.  Since then he has referenced it another 5 or so times.  My last conversation with him was around my home leave dates.  He immediately comes into these meetings with a hostile attitude.  No matter what I say it is met with confrontation.  He was upset with the way I was booking travel (I have a choice to take cash or let company book), he said I have been away too much (which he has been gone since mid-May with the exception of 2 weeks and my other coworker has been away since the end of June to first week of August).  

At this point, I am having panic attacks every time I know I have to speak to him bc of how he treats me.  I try to stay as composed as possible and just nod my head and thank him for the advice, coaching and guidance (when it is none of those things).  

I just really don't know what to do when you have a boss that seems to hate your guts.  My one on ones with him are often 3 hours long, where he barely checks in with my male coworkers and when he does it is over beer and is more of a social get together.  We have a female admin on our team as well and similar things happen to her.  

Does anyone have any advice?  I have a year left on contract, but hoping I can get out sooner.  I don't know if I can mentally take him another year.  I feel shattered as a person from this.  TIA

If you need more context, let me know.

[sadlebred]

Definitely talk to HR. They may be able to help you resolve the situation locally or find you something else within the company.

[konapoppy]

That sounds like a difficult situation. I would definitely talk to HR. If you work for a large global organization, I would think there would be a contact for you - either an HR Business Partner, Career Managers, or Talent Management. At this point I would think they would also be talking to you about repatriation or another assignment since you are a year out from the end of the current assignment.

[Deleted]

This is rough, he’s seems like a really shitty boss. As PP stated, document everything. You can’t make a shitty boss better but you can protect yourself and your well being.

[dottyblue]

“He has also told me that critiques at this level come by a two by four, that he won't hit me with it literally, but know it is in the corner.”

Is this a threat? It’s a very poor choice of imagery if it’s not a threat. Go directly to HR. Take as much documentation as you have if possible, but if you don’t have anything in writing, HR should still start documenting as well.

I would be a wreck working under this person too. What an unpredictable nut job. Hang in there.

[stellarose]

Thank you all for your responses. I have documented some, need to put it all together better and probably should report it into HR. After some previous experiences I never feel completely confident confiding in them.

I will try my best to be prepared and let whatever roll off my back. It’s hard...but this isn’t the first or the last time I’ll go through this.

[stellarose]

“I would be a wreck working under this person too. What an unpredictable nut job.”

This exactly. Its ruined my confidence, I’m having panic attacks and gritting my teeth at night. I have no support or credibility from him in any situation which is not helpful in a global role where we are setting everything up differently than how the locals work.

I wish my leadership could step back for a moment and look at the bigger picture instead of repeatedly telling me to figure it out. 🙄

[4speedy]

Is your company an American based company? What kind of protections are in place when dealing with sexual harassment? Also, what support is in place for you if you leave your contract early? Will they still repatriate you or are you on your own?

[goldengirlz]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know how crappy it is to have an abusive boss (and he is being abusive) and I’m sure it’s made worse being overseas. How big is the office there? Unfortunately, in my case, the only way to get out from a bad boss was to report to someone else. Would that be an option?

I also seem to recall the advice that sometimes it’s better for two or more women to go to HR together. HR is there to protect the company so they need to know this is going to be a major headache for them if they ignore or stonewall you. Strength in numbers and all that. If the admin is willing, would going together be appropriate?

[drloretta]

Do you have contact with people at your HQ? He says they are upset about this, but do you know for a fact that they are? I'm wondering if there is a way to get some direct feedback from them and find out how they are really seeing the situation.

Beyond that, definitely document and talk to HR.