Staying at IL's

[honey987]

If you have to travel to visit your IL's do you stay with them or get a hotel? DH's parents are divorced so we have to visit both of them when we stay. Neither one is very comfortable for me. I try to be understanding, but I am an only child so when we stay at my parents, we have the entire upstairs to ourselves, own bath etc. Private and comfortable.

When we stay at DH's one family lives in a 2 bedroom apt with the parents and 2 adult children (18 and 22). The 22 yr old sleeps in the corner of the living room on a blow up. He is leaving for the navy soon and wasn't expected to move back home so this is just temporary. They have 1 bathroom. When we go, we sleep on the couch and usually we only stay there 1 night out of the 6-7 that we go.

At the other house there are 2 bathrooms and 2 bedrooms, but only 1 room with a bed. They give us the room with the bed which is very nice of them. They have a large young dog so 1 of them usually sleeps downstairs with the dog to take it our during the night or first thing in the morning. This set up would be fine, but MIL does not understand privacy at all. She walks right into the room without knocking all the time, several times I had just walked out of the shower. She also wakes us up early every morning so she can get something out of the closet. Even if we sleep in the extra room, she does the same thing. She actually even did this in our own home when she came for a visit. DH yells at her, but she seems to forget.

DH would never stay at a hotel. We would then have to rent a car and this is also how he grew up and he is so used to his mom have no boundaries and just sleeping wherever at the other house. There are also not any nearby hotels so it would be a pain to do that as well. It's very different for me. It makes packing annoying because I can't really spread out my clothes anywhere bc their dog will get them. It's a pain to get dressed because i have to do it all in the bathroom since as soon as I walk out of the bathroom everyone is in the bedroom.

Any tips on how to make these trips more enjoyable? I do like when we go there, I'm just so used to having private space to get ready/dressed and there is none of that here. I do think things will change when we have kids, but right now its just the 2 of us and its not a huge issue, just a little uncomfortable for me.

[chessie]

We never stay with any family, mine or IL's, that our rule. I keep things separate to keep me or DH out of harms way. Too much family time I feel is not a good thing and can cause issues.

When we travel around family, we plan stuff with them and time away for us to enjoy ourselves alone as well. We rent a car, get a hotel and pick up some local maps to see the sites.

[Redpoppy]

My mom will barge in so we lock the door as needed. We also plan a vacation activity just far enough to warrant a hotel on a night or two (they are near Orlando so not too hard to find). It's less privacy as an issue but because they've become crazy cat people.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 8:07:06 GMT -5 chessie said:

We never stay with any family, mine or IL's, that our rule. I keep things separate to keep me or DH out of harms way. Too much family time I feel is not a good thing and can cause issues.

When we travel around family, we plan stuff with them and time away for us to enjoy ourselves alone as well. We rent a car, get a hotel and pick up some local maps to see the sites.

We aren't going to stay at a hotel, especially at my parents. Even at DH's the closest one is 30 min away and would be more of an expense/pain that its worth. We only visit 1 time a year and we are there to spend time with family. They are fun to be around and I don't mind spending 24/7 with them since its only about a week a year if that. Plus it's really important to DH. It's very comfortable for him to be home.

[ssmjlm]

I would be at a hotel, close or not.

This is why I'm happy the IL's are close and we don't have to stay with them.

[ECB]

When we've lived a long distance from the IL's, we would stay with them. But there was room and they respected our privacy.

What do you mean by:

Sept 19, 2012 8:03:33 GMT -5 honey987 said:

I do think things will change when we have kids, but right now its just the 2 of us and its not a huge issue, just a little uncomfortable for me.

You "think" things will change- how? There are no hotels nearby, you'd have to rent a car. To stay.... where?

Think this through a little more and actually hvae a discussion w/ your DH about this. Dont' wait until you have kids to figure it out and THEN find out that your DH doesn't think things need to change.

[drloretta]

Yes, we stay with parents.

I would LOVE to stay in a B&B down the street from MIL, but she would be hysterical if we did that. She just put an addition on her house, so the bedroom/bathroom situation is much better than is used to be. Still not deal, but manageable. My biggest issue is that she's a borderline hoarder, so there's crap everywhere and we can't hang out there much, considering we have a toddler.

My parents are easy. Their main house is 4 or 5 bedrooms and 3 baths, so there's plenty of room to spread out. Their apartment on the coast has a separate bed and bath, so again it's very manageable.

In your case I'd try and be proactive. Heading into the shower? Let MIL know and ask if she needs anything from your room. Bring your own air mattress for the second bedroom if you think it would work out better. Lock the door if you can.

[Deleted]

We stay at my MIL's when we visit, but my MIL is also not an a$$hole who walks in a room without knocking just because its her house. I'd probably put a chair or suitcase or something in front of the door to keep her out. Or your H needs to say "we're not going to stay here anymore if you can't knock" and actually mean it.

[chessie]

Sept 19, 2012 8:25:28 GMT -5 ECB said:

When we've lived a long distance from the IL's, we would stay with them. But there was room and they respected our privacy.

What do you mean by:

Sept 19, 2012 8:03:33 GMT -5 honey987 said:

I do think things will change when we have kids, but right now its just the 2 of us and its not a huge issue, just a little uncomfortable for me.

You "think" things will change- how? There are no hotels nearby, you'd have to rent a car. To stay.... where?

Think this through a little more and actually hvae a discussion w/ your DH about this. Dont' wait until you have kids to figure it out and THEN find out that your DH doesn't think things need to change.

Completely agree on this. Dh and I long time ago agreed put ourselves separated and it will continue even after children. Kids will make it worse if you don't have a decision beforehand. I would imagine kids would make it even more difficult and more stressful on the family.

[thedutchgirl]

We stay with my mother and H's mother when we visit our hometowns. Both are comfortable, although I'm obviously more comfy at my own mom's. And he's more comfortable at his. I just deal because it is important to H.

Could you block the door with your suitcase? And stay in the room without a bed to try to avoid the necessity of his mom coming in? And lock the door if you can.

[winnied]

99% of the time we stay with my parents. They have a larger house, respect privacy usually, and they allow my dog to stay with us.

Prior to FIL's second marriage and move to a smaller home the 456738 grand kids ran around all day and night and there was zero personal space. Now in his new home it's better but we still like to bring our dog when we visit family.

For the record, our parents live in the same town, 20 min apart so it's easy to see everyone regardless of where we stay.

[Susie]

My ILs are close enough that we don't have to stay over.

We do stay over at my parents' house, pretty frequently. We don't have the same privacy issues though. There are more bedrooms & bathrooms, and my parents are good with giving us some space.

I'd probably struggle with visiting your ILs too. With no hotels nearby I'm not sure what I'd do. Probably just keep visits short and have low expectations for privacy.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 8:25:28 GMT -5 ECB said:

When we've lived a long distance from the IL's, we would stay with them. But there was room and they respected our privacy.

What do you mean by:

Sept 19, 2012 8:03:33 GMT -5 honey987 said:

I do think things will change when we have kids, but right now its just the 2 of us and its not a huge issue, just a little uncomfortable for me.

You "think" things will change- how? There are no hotels nearby, you'd have to rent a car. To stay.... where?

Think this through a little more and actually hvae a discussion w/ your DH about this. Dont' wait until you have kids to figure it out and THEN find out that your DH doesn't think things need to change.

Well, we won't stay at FIL's house at all with a baby since we don't have our own room. We have already discussed this and we rarely stay there anyways. At his mom's she won't barge in because she would wake the baby. We have already talked about this. If it doesnt work, we can always stay at his grandma's or uncles, but I know that would hurt his mom's feelings so she would give us more space if we asked for it.

[badtzmaru22]

We stay with the ILs, but I'd rather stay in a hotel. I sleep for shit on air mattresses, and in a hotel I wouldn't have to feel guilty about going to bed when I wanted. I suck it up once a year, but if I was forced to visit more often, I'd push for the hotel.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 8:37:12 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

We stay with my mother and H's mother when we visit our hometowns. Both are comfortable, although I'm obviously more comfy at my own mom's. And he's more comfortable at his. I just deal because it is important to H.

Could you block the door with your suitcase? And stay in the room without a bed to try to avoid the necessity of his mom coming in? And lock the door if you can.

This is us. My parents is just more comfortable for me. They have plenty of space and we can bring our dog with us. I have room to unpack and hang up my clothes. My parents never come upstairs. They actually have a separate HVAC unit up there so they just close it off if they aren't having company. It's just nice and what I am used to.

DH is used to tons of ppl in the house all the time and 0 privacy. He is comfortable with either. Plus it takes him 2 seconds to get ready. MIL's is no unbearable. It's very clean and we use many of the same products so she lets me borrow hers so I dont have to pack as much. I guess I could lock the door before I get into the shower. I just feel bad if she needs to get something out of her room while I'm taking my shower.

[honey987]

Thanks for the advice. I am going to have DH talk to his mom to see if we can sleep in the extra room with the blow up mattress. She is trying to be nice by letting us sleep in her room, but it makes more more uncomfortable not being able to spread out. Plus I feel bad she is being put out. I'll also make DH lock the door from now on.

[orangeblossom]

We've done a hotel and we've stayed with them. It really depends in who all is down there. DHs parent's are divorced, so if FIL and SMIL are on town we'd need to stay at MILs (not gonna happen) or get s hotel, since FIL will be staying sg GMILs.

This holiday season, we're staying at a hotel. I couldn't be happier.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 8:57:54 GMT -5 @chloe77 said:

I'd get a hotel room.

And not that you asked, but I would never take the only bed at my IL's house and let them sleep elsewhere! They are older, it's their house - they get the bed.

Yep, hotel is not an option. In addition to really really hurting DH and MIL feelings, we either wouldnt be able to bring our dog or have a find a dog friendly hotel or board him. Then we would also have to rent a car as the nearest hotel is 30 min away. For a weeks stay this would cost us around 1000 which would be silly just so I can have some privacy and be able to spread my clothes out.

We prefer to sleep on the blow up, but SFIL always sleeps downstairs on the couch with the dog. Then the dog wakes up in the am and goes into the extra room to sit by the window. They don't want to mess with the dog's routine by shutting the door. We have insisted sleeping in the other room, but this is what they prefer so we just gave in. I do feel bad though.

[flygirl22]

We stay with our parents or sometimes his siblings. I'd rather stay at a hotel but I think they would be insulted so we don't. Just like you, we travel specifically to see family and that is what we do 24/7 while we are there.

As much as it sucks to say it it sounds like you just need to change your expectations. Your MiL will not change, so you just need to get used to it. As you said, it would be more of a hassle to get a hotel and rental car, and it's only 1 week per year.

I'm pretty laid back though, very little bothers me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed (happens usually with my big family at my place) I got for a walk, it helps!

Good luck!

[max88]

Honey, can you buy a blowup mattress and sleep in the other room at the MIL's? I wouldn't be sleeping at the FIL's place at all in those conditions.

I think your husband needs to explain to his mom what privacy is. Or just lock the door.

[miss1180]

my parents are 2 hours away, and ILs are 4 1/2 hours away... so we stay with each of them pretty frequently.
my parents, since its only 2 hours away- we usually only stay for a night or 2 (like if theres a family thing going on at night, and we don't feel like driving home). its not bad- my parents got a new queen mattress in my old room, and they have 2 bathrooms- so its comfy. the only issue is that we have our dog, and they have a yappy little yorkie that wakes up early in the AM... but its manageable.
for ILs- they come to see us more than we go out there, just bc they are retired and have more time to travel the distance each way. they have a newer house that they had built like 5 years ago.... so we have our own bedroom and own bathroom there, too.
In your case, I would say that you just have to deal with it :-( doesn't sound like a hotel is an option for you guys... so you just have to make the most of staying with ILs. i would totally be locking the door!! after the first time, she'll learn to get everything she needs out of there ahead of time! also, i agree with having your DH talk to her more firmly about not barging in!!
this is what has helped us deal with ILs craziness sometimes- DH isn't afraid to put his foot down with them. DH sometimes comes across as an asshole to them... but thats really the only way to get through to them, and get them to learn their boundaries.

[sporky]

We used to stay with DH's family, but it was always uncomfortable. DH is one of three boys so for a long time if we stayed at their house, there were four of us using one bathroom. When my BIL got married, we finally started staying at a hotel for logistical purposes and it is soooo much better!

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 9:05:42 GMT -5 flygirl22 said:

We stay with our parents or sometimes his siblings. I'd rather stay at a hotel but I think they would be insulted so we don't. Just like you, we travel specifically to see family and that is what we do 24/7 while we are there.

As much as it sucks to say it it sounds like you just need to change your expectations. Your MiL will not change, so you just need to get used to it. As you said, it would be more of a hassle to get a hotel and rental car, and it's only 1 week per year.

I'm pretty laid back though, very little bothers me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed (happens usually with my big family at my place) I got for a walk, it helps!

Good luck!

I do think I need to adjust my expectations. DH is very laid back, so none of this bothers him, but he has no issue telling his mom to knock or lock the door if/when she just comes in. The last time we were there she did knock, but then came right in after. DH was sleeping, but it woke me up. It's only a week, I really need to just suck it up.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 9:13:49 GMT -5 max88 said:

Honey, can you buy a blowup mattress and sleep in the other room at the MIL's? I wouldn't be sleeping at the FIL's place at all in those conditions.

I think your husband needs to explain to his mom what privacy is. Or just lock the door.

They already have a really nice blow up in the extra room and we used to sleep in there until they got the dog. Now that the dog uses that room early in the morning, she would rather sleep in there than shut the door bc the dog might scratch at the door. I feel like we did have a little more privacy in there. DH is going to see if that room might be a better option.

[honey987]

Sept 19, 2012 9:08:35 GMT -5 @246baje said:

Sept 19, 2012 8:34:36 GMT -5 flygirl said:

We stay at my MIL's when we visit, but my MIL is also not an a$$hole who walks in a room without knocking just because its her house. I'd probably put a chair or suitcase or something in front of the door to keep her out. Or your H needs to say "we're not going to stay here anymore if you can't knock" and actually mean it.

This.

I must say I don't understand the need to spread one's clothes out. That is a red herring in all of this. The issue is the lack of boundaries. Discuss this.

It's not so much spreading out the clothes, I just like to unpack a bit and not live for a week out of a suitcase. I like to hang my clothes up (last time she had 0 extra hangers or space). I have to pack everything back up each day and all my clothes are wrinkled all the time. Just annoying, but I know I need to just be more flexible.